#wiitwd

I juggle a few kinks as my "top" kink. Denial is certainly in the top three. What do I like about it? I like the focus on wanting.

Not the refusal, or even the eventual release--though it is often stronger and more pleasurable for the leadup.

The wanting.

Wanting made more poignant when immersed in uncertainty. Is this it? Is this? Say something come on say something, no not that--

Not knowing what you want. Wanting contradictory things.

I have thought of devotion as a giving over

As becoming other, else

To serve another's needs

My first correction was

"What of my own needs? Need I not sustain myself to be devoted?"

Then

"Do I wish to be devoted to one who would ask such a thing?"

But then

Oh

Iron remains iron when it is forged

The soil that holds a tree is still earth

Perhaps

Devotion is not giving over myself

Perhaps

You turn to answer the question, already drawing breath when you realize there's literally a penny in their hand,

There's a penny in your hand. You've just finished an exhale.

Someone I can't pick out in a crowd is choosing what music I'm hearing. The loss of control, the uncertainty of what's coming next.

Build it into a routine. Leave my headphones available, seeing what they want me to hear.