The Princess and The Pea-ist oFF PAPERBAG THATS WHAT (part 1)
While Black Hat ruled a "kingdom" per say,
Hint hint it's the kingdom of Hell
The Dark One went by a formal title of "Lord"
Dare anyone call him a Prince,
King seemed more of a fit, but the title was taken by a Scottish demon in Hell playing the Hokey Pokey with some "Winchester Brothers" like isn't that the name of a gun or something?? Not like Black Hat cared, he'd rather have a title to reminisce his, spine-tingling presence, like "Monster from Hell", "El chupacabra", "That Guy With the Long Ass Eyebrows" or "Edgy Mad Hatter".
Actually the last two were names spoken by two people only, both of which had not survived to spread the name.
Anyways, one Friday evening on the Thirteenth of The Cold Season,
The emperor of Darkness sat in his usual armchair at the dinner table, awaiting his scheduled supper. Unfortunately the cook ran away on horse back after pouring soup in Lord Black Hat's top hat, by accident apparently, and was reportedly never seen again, so it was the witch, Demencia's, turn to cook that night. The rain patterned against the window in a slow but mournful rhythm, losing the man in a top hat to his thoughts.
Suddenly Demencia's return was announced by kicking open the front entrance with a muddy sneaker and scrounging up her way to the dining hall,
"That's the last time I'm ever trusting delivery to find their way past the castle's fortresses" she said with a huff and she threw down the soggy pizza boxes, depicted with a cartoonish dragon devouring gooey cheese on the front. Ironically teasing the delivery man's fate with the dragon the witch and top hat had as their defenses.
"So anchovies or pineapple?" The demented witch asked,
Lord Black Hat held his head in his claws, "This isn't working, why isn't it?"
"I don't know, pizza is hard to deliver, it's depressing enough that their employees don't get enough tips!"
"I'm not talking about the idiotic pizza, you ignorant hybrid! I'm talking about the business," Black Hat shouted from across the table,
Demencia rolled her eyes and flopped on one of the dining room chairs, plucking a veggie and anchovy slice from one of the boxes, she never payed mind to the business or "network" Black Hat had under his name unless she was told to kill something. But other than that, she had no interest in these evening rants.
"So what's the problem this time?" She asked,
"It's the profits, we aren't selling enough," Black Hat explained,
"Well you don't really have much to sell, other than assassination services, ancient evil wisdom, kidnapping princesses-"
"And princes..." Black Hat added,
"Cause women can be heroic knights too," Demencia added to express their progressiveness,
"and the occasional merchandise." Demencia replied, stabbing her pizza slice with her fork.
"I know that! That's what I'm saying, what else do I need to make me the greatest ruler of the land? If not the world?" Black Hat shot back
"How should I know what people want from rulers? I just a measly wood witch that listens to K pop on weekend evenings," Demencia said,
"So that explains the nauseating sounds that 505 complains about," said Black Hat, "but that's not the point! What I'm trying to convey to you is necessary to my kingdom, I need to sell something that makes me feared by all of those pesky warriors and praised by the lesser evils of this land. Once I have my network at my fingertips,
I'll pull the strings and watch them all dance,"
the dark ruler said with a greedy smile, clutching his fist at invisible strans.
Demencia would of clapped at the dramatic performance, but she thought that scene was written a little weak, even if it was edited months later. Just then, Demencia thought of an idea,
"Weapons!" She exclaimed,
"People fear people with weapons! And people are always looking to throw their money away for even more weapons, what if we could sell that?" Demencia explained
"Precisely, but how would we find weapons to sell?" questioned the top hat,
"Couldn't you just manifest weapons out of nothing?" Demencia asked,
"My manifestations are only temporary and there's no way I'm selling my power away, that would defeat the whole purpose of this business," Black Hat said, "I'm going to need assistance." Black Hat looked at Demencia who dropped her iPhone in the cheesy mess of dinner while trying to take a picture for Instagram and then proceeded to eat the cheese off of her touch screen.
Black Hat cringed. Like the person reading this now.
"I'm going to need someone with unsurpassable intelligence, someone mad enough to recreate their darkest nightmares, someone one willing to perfect every plan in every detail," Black Hat said strangely specifically in thought, "someone whose imagination runs as dark as their blood,"
"And someone who can go to my guitar concerts!" Demencia said while strumming some air strings.
505, the the bright blue and lovable, man-eating, dragon came up to the window, now darkened with the on coming storm, making big exaggerated movements towards the sky
"Go away 505 I don't care what you have to say about the thunder, go hide under a rock or something,"
Said Black Hat with agitation and dismissal,
But 505 continued his frantic charade to warn his castle inhabitants,
"What is it boy?" Asked Dementcia, "Jimmy's stuck in a well??"
The dragon sighed, "What part of pointing at the sky means "Jimmy's stuck in a well," to you?" said the exasperated dragon,
"Fair point," Demencia said
Suddenly there came a thundering crash, too sudden and terror-some to come from nature, and the top hat who defies all of nature had nothing to do with it.
Black Hat noticed this odd disturbance, on guard and slightly interested,
"What was that?" He exclaimed, Demencia answered with disinterest,
"Tree I guess, or 505 could've fainted,"
"Go check it out,"
"Meh,"
"MEH??"
"If it's outside, it's 505's problem." Demencia explained texting away at her phone,
"You will do as I say, when I say it, even if you are incapable of doing so!" Black Hat threatened with his powerful fiery eyes and sharp teeth,
Demencia was about to shoot back a reply when something popped in her head,
"Aw crap! My enchanted skateboard!"
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