#whosyourdd

As a woman, if this isn’t a reason to rethink drinking and driving, I can give you many more. #caringforcrick #tumblr #whosyourdd

(1/9/13) Tuesday I went to see my doctor about weaning off my Cymbalta. I explained my brain zaps and other withdrawal symptoms and then relayed my Monday night mental breakdown, and he assured me that that breakdown was not a withdrawal symptom, but my actual depression off the medication right now. He believes it’s best to remain on the Cymbalta for another 6 months and then we’ll see what all I’m dealing with in my everyday life, and if I’m better, I can then wean off. My episode Monday night was pretty scary for both Shea and I. I couldn’t stop bawling at the drop of a hat and thought Shea was pretty much against me (laughable now, but not so much at the time). More than anything I needed him to read my mind to know what I wanted, and dammit it was pissing me off that he couldn’t! So yea, I think it’s safe to say I need that one pill each day, for now. I had my doctor check my eardrum since I never went in when I had that ear infection and I’m still getting shooting pains. He informed me that my eardrum is perforated and all future sinus infections/ear infections are going to be even more severe and painful than we thought. (My maxiollfacial surgeon told Shea I’d be prone to sinus infections big time). So I’m going to see an ENT doctor next Monday and hopefully he can at least patch it up. Yesterday morning my lawyer’s assistant called to ask if I was on my way to court. No. I had no clue I needed to be there, considering the last time I spoke to him was around July of last year and he told me the judge recognized my situation and I wouldn’t need to go back again until I was better. Long story short, it was a communication issue and I’m very lucky the judge understands my situation and had no problem postponing it until March 19. I’m accepting my plea deal, I’m guessing they feel I’ve gone through enough punishment, because they dismissed my fines, gave me 16 months probation, and will work with me on physical aspects, like community service. Beyond fair enough. Today I’ve been pretty lazy with my pups, they make it look so peaceful ;) Speaking of peaceful, I ordered a beginners yoga book by Tara Stiles, whom I’m pretty obsessed with and incredibly inspired by. So I’m excited for that, but until it gets here I’ll stick with YouTube videos because I want today to be the day I start, no point in waiting for the book, or I’ll have a different excuse that day too. A friend posted a video on my page (you need to check it out) about a man told he’d never walk unassisted again, and through yoga he surpassed their greatest expectations and he could run. I bawled like a baby watching him remove his arm stands and taking his first steps, I knew everything he was feeling in that moment and I know that if he can do it, so can I. The past few days I’ve been thinking about what I love, what inspires me, because I want to move forward doing more of what I enjoy, and less of what stresses me out. I’m lucky to have this time to reflect on it all and figure it out. 💕

(12/5/13) Yesterday I attended Shea’s AA meeting for the 2nd time. It’s weird for me, because I have such a different perspective than everyone, but it still helps to hear other’s views and experiences. After speaking with a few family members and to each other, I’ve decided that it’s best if I don’t discuss Shea’s legal issues until everything’s final. At this moment I don’t like thinking or talking about it. Not only is it personal, but it’s not exactly a happy note. So I’ll just say this… I’m terrified. I depend on him for a lot. I am fully aware that I am extremely blessed having the family and friends support system that I do. But it’s not just about financial dependency or I’ll miss him. Of course I’ll miss him. I can’t imagine going to bed without him. Or him not coming home for lunch. Who’s going to remember to feed my dogs? Who’s going to mow my lawn, take care of my house, and clean things I can’t get to because of my condition? Who’s going to kiss me goodnight and early in the morning? I’m terrified. But before I can even get to that, I have to prepare for my next surgery. And all I can do right now is pray he’s at least still out to be here for me, because I know I can’t imagine going through it without him.

(12/3/13) I woke up at 7, laid in bed till 7:30 thinking about how different the day was going to be compared to the last 8.5 months. I couldn’t decide wether I was more scared or excited. I showered and got ready. Brandi, a friend from work that happens to live out in the sticks too, picked me up at 9:15. We got a new system at work so I had two of my girls that I trained, training me. But it was a really good day. I loved getting out of the house, doing what I know, and feeling independent. After about 5 hours, Shea picked me up and as soon as I got home I had to ice my knee and foot because they’re both extremely swollen, and I am extremely exhausted. But it was so worth it! I have a terrible migraine and I’m ready for bed early. Can’t wait for my next adventure. :)

(11/26/13) For some reason I’m just feeling down the past week. I get my feelings hurt pretty easily these days, and I’m not used to that and I hate it. I miss being able to just brush it off and ignore things I don’t like. Or maybe it’s just too many upsetting events happening one after another. I’m really great at giving advice. I am horrible at following through with my own. Everything is always easier said than done. I don’t just wake up and lounge in bed all day while people serve me, as some think. I get up and get my breakfast together and eat in the kitchen, by the time I’m done with that it’s almost lunch time. I force myself to do something, anything, that’s normal each day, like the dishes or laundry or cooking with Shea (because apparently it scares him that I try these things when no one’s home). I’m constantly on the phone back and forth between doctor’s offices making sure everything’s correct, checking in, scheduling appointments, ect. Something’s usually messed up, mostly because every doctor has me either under Curtis OR Spradley so I never know which I’m under and things get filed wrong. After almost two weeks of calling the radiology department to schedule my CT scan, they finally realized they had my paperwork all along, it was just under Curtis AND Spradley and it threw them off. Even if I don’t have to physically go to PT, I still have to exercise. Literally everything I do frustrates me. No matter how grateful I am to be alive and recovering, it’s still extremely hard. Yes, being able to walk around Target on my own without depending on someone to push me in my wheelchair was great, but it was hard. It hurt physically, I was out of breath and had to stop every few feet, and the stares are unbearable sometimes. You can tell me over and over that my face is unnoticeable to you. But it’s not to me. And it’s not to strangers seeing a 20-something year old limping with a walker and sunken eye. It’s something I’m self conscious about no matter how many times Shea and my mom and friends tell me I’m still beautiful. That’s why I’m ready for this next surgery to be done with. But at the same time, I’m terrified. I’m going under, AGAIN, my scalp is being cut open, AGAIN, and it’s not a sure thing I’ll be able to see normal or even look normal again. On top of all that stress and worry, I let negative comments from several others get to me. I know this is going to sound crazy, but after watching the Ellen show today (because she always makes me laugh) I decided I’m being crazy. I have enough to worry and stress over and the only way others can hurt my feelings is if I let them. And I don’t have the time or strength to let them right now. But I need everyone to know… Nothing I post is meant in a negative way towards anyone. I do not set out to hurt anyone’s feelings and if I do, please just tell me so we can clear it up and there’s no drama. I love all my friends and family and I’m blessed to have so many people on my side, I’d be stupid to intentionally hurt one of you. I think I need someone to teach me how to meditate or do yoga, something to calm and relax my crazy nervous system!!

(11/13/13) Yesterday I had a check up with my orthopedic surgeon. He gave me permission to put full weight on my right leg/foot with my walking boot on. It will be a very long and slow process because I can barely put 50% weight on it before I’m wincing from sharp shooting pain in my ankle and shin. But he said that once I work my way up to handling that, I can then start walking without the boot. Very exciting, but frustrating because I just wanna start taking off, not wait till the pain subsides. But I’m so lucky to have made it this far, so it can’t hold me back too much. Afterwards, my momma came to get me so I could stay with her for today’s doctor appointment and my grandmother’s surprise birthday party on Saturday. I was under the impression that I’d be scheduling my surgery today, but I was way off. He explained the surgery and took pictures of my eye, then sent my information to the CT Scan center. They’ll be calling me to schedule all my scans, send my doctor the results, my doctor will plan out the operation, and then he’ll be calling me to schedule the surgery. He said it should be by the end of the year, and I hope he’s right because I thought it’d be as early as next week, so I’m more than ready to get this over with. My mom and I took a trip to Hobby Lobby, ordered my Nanny’s birthday cake, and got pizza for dinner. Now we’re lounging before bed. I’m having extreme Lola withdrawals and don’t know how I can sleep another night without her! But I’m loving every minute with my momma. As much as I’m over being dependent, I’m trying to soak in all the downtime I get with loved ones and by myself. Once this is over, I’m going to be going nonstop! :)