#whilemina venable

 Ever since you were a kid you managed to get yourself into the strangest situations, and they always seemed to outdo each other. About now you were starting to think you reached the peak of life experiences, after the apocalypse what else was there for you to see?

When the end came you weren’t too phased. You just watched things happen to you and accepted them, not that there was anything else you could do. But you didn’t panic. You didn’t cry for your lost life. There wasn’t much to lose either way. 

You met Timothy eventually. You had time to think about all of these questions he kept asking you, but you didn’t really. For the most part you were numb. You knew he was trying to get to know you, given that you were in this situation together for a reason, and sure, you talked to him, you cracked a few jokes to ease the tension. You told him a bit about your life in the past year or so, and listened to his and to his plans for the future studying at UCLA. 

After some time you came to understand that you two were supposed to be some sort of modern Adam and Eve, the new beginning to humanity. The both of you were told about your perfect DNA, and that just magnified the voice inside you saying that this was a big mistake. You didn’t say anything about it because this was the only reason you were alive, but deep down you knew this was wrong. You were sitting in someone else’s spot. 

Sometimes you would look at Timothy and feel like there was a rock sitting in your stomach. He was good looking, sure, for a guy. But that was just the problem. You never had any actual relationships, you always distanced yourself from people. You did feel attractions, you did feel love, but not for men. You didn’t hate kids, but also didn’t want to have any. Especially not now with this guy you were stuck to. You also didn’t hate him. None of this was his fault, so you pushed the thought aside for the most part.

Two weeks later you were sent to Outpost 3, and soon enough you met the person in charge. Wilhemina Venable and her perfect everything. She showed you to your rooms and explained the purple-gray hierarchy, and at that you heard that voice again, telling you this was wrong, surviving And also being part of “the elite”?

Timothy asked a few questions, and you almost shivered at the tone in her voice. Very determined and void of emotions. You understood the sureness of everything she said and it didn’t leave any space for you to answer or question. You didn’t have anything to say really. You weren’t that interested in the logistics of this whole thing. If you started thinking about it you knew it would be hard to stop.

“The house rules are simple. You will refer to me only as Ms. Venable.” she said, looking straight into your eyes. She also said something about not leaving the building, not that you were planning on running away any time soon. The ice in her demeanour was impressive, you wondered for a second if her makeup and hair had looked this perfect when the bombs fell. If her outfit looked as crisp and if the grip on her cane was as strong, or if she was holding the cane at all. You could have assumed it was just an accessory, it didn’t look out of place on the hand of someone as elegant as her, but something told you otherwise.

You must have looked spaced out because Timothy was staring at you. She raised her voice just a bit, adding  “No unauthorised copulation of any kind, under any circumstances.” And at that you felt that rock get a bit less heavy, relieved you wouldn’t be forced into it at least for now.

“The two grays you saw on the way in should work as a reminder” 

Sure you were happy with the rule, but not everyone would, and it made you a bit uneasy to think about the tension that would form after a while. Killing people for it felt unnecessary and if there were other purples you knew there would be complaining to be heard. Just something else to look forward to!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the first week there you mostly listened to the other purples blabber on about their lives, and all the things they didn’t get to do and all the money they didn’t get to spend on all these useless things. There was arguing all the time, no one seemed to agree on anything except all of what they lost, and pitying themselves for the situation they were in. You appreciated Dinah’s attempts at motivating everyone and keeping a positive mindset, but all of those empty words fell flat. 

One day (or night? Or afternoon? You weren’t sure) everyone was sitting in the music room, purples in the couches, Mallory sitting on the floor next to Coco, some grays standing around and Venable at the farthest table seat from you, reading a book. You could sense the silence wouldn’t last long. It was only a matter of time until Mr. Gallant started complaining about the song playing on repeat, but before he could, you tried something.

“Let’s say we had a cat at the outpost”

Everyone looked at you curiously, a cat? Why would there be a cat?

“What would you guys name it?”

Coco looked at you as if you had just offended her family name “I don’t know why or how you plan to get a cat in here. Have you lost your mind Y/N?”

You chuckled at that “I don’t want a cat, it’s just a question, to get our heads away from the whole apocalypse thing”

She made a face at the stupidity of your question “I don’t know, probably Oscar or Felix or something”

“Ugh Coco don’t be basic. You know, I would name it Rip Taylor, or Larry Kramer. Or any of the great gay radicals of the 70’s and 80’s” Gallant said gettig more exited about the question.

Andre said “Judas, or Alejandro. Cats are traitors”

Gallant smirked “I see what you did there” 

Evie leaned forward, cup swaying in her hand “I don’t know about cats but I quite like poodles. Maybe even a greyhound. I would name him Mr. Chandon. After the champagne of course”

“My grandma had a cat, she was called Pumpkin.” said Timothy.

Coco scoffed “Let me guess, was she orange? How original”

“Actually she was white” he answered with a malicious smile.

Coco tried to change the attention from that interaction “Alright, Y/N you asked the question and you haven’t answered it yet. What would you name it?” 

You gathered everything in you to make a serious face. You waited for a bit until everyone had their eyes on you and answered “Fish.”

At that the room erupted with laughter, after a minute or so you wiped your eyes so that your makeup wouldn’t get ruined, your cheeks already hurting. You managed to straighten up a bit and looked across the room to Venable. You’d imagine she would call you all dumb and set a new rule that kept everyone from laughing, but instead she just looked at you with her eyes slighly narrowed, the rest of her face covered by the book.

“How about puppy?” Mallory said. Everyone laughed even harder.

Your voice was now high pitched, you struggled to get the words out all at once "You see… that's a great one, but i think Bark is even better" 

"Come here Bark" said Andre, laughing harder still and slapping his knee.

You knew this would make you look stupid, because it was. But still you welcomed a laugh after all this time, and only something this dumb would work. 

After that you took it upon yourself to keep people entertained. You wouldn't let your fears show in front of all these fancy people, especially not Venable. It would be much better if they thought you were funny and light hearted than to find out about the monsters you kept sitting in your room.

You knew she could crush you with a finger anytime, and you found yourself thinking about her way more than you should. Was it her looks? Was it the attitude? You had always been one to look in wonder at the strong confident women you met throughout your life. But you also convinced yourself you didn't need anyone. 

The things you had lived through were more than enough to confirm it. You always managed to figure things out on your own.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By the third week you understood Mr. Gallant’s annoyance at the song constantly playing, even though you only had to assemble in the music room for the “Cocktails” once a day. Everyone was thankful about how oddly soundproof that room was, you couldn’t hear a thing down the corridor, and for that reason it would be mostly empty for the rest of the day. 

Despite that annoyance about the song, you still spent quite some time there. Ever since you stepped into the room for the first time, the shelves completely lined with books called out to you. For a while, the free time you didn’t spend reading, you spent hovering about the shelves, registering the titles and reading the synopsis for the ones you didn’t recognise.

The other thing about the room that called out to you was the piano, just sitting abandoned. It would probably get very dusty if not for the greys who had to keep the outpost spotless. You were surprised no one had played anything yet, after all, you were stuck with a bunch of rich people, and in your head every rich person had piano classes when they were little. At least that was the type of rich person you always wanted to be.

You had been anything but rich before the apocalypse, but you did know some music theory. You were a band kid and played classical guitar since you were little, and you found yourself thinking about how lucky you were that your mom put you in those classes. Music did become a very important aspect of your life very fast, always the thing you could use to escape, to soothe whatever mood you found yourself in. The end of the world, of course, couldn’t come without irony, and the one thing that used to keep you sane was starting to have the opposite effect.

Piano was most definitely not your instrument. You loved to listen to it, but to play anything you needed a lot of practise. Still, by now you wanted anything to drown out the voice calling the occupants of interplanetary craft, so every now and then you would try to go by ear on the chords for a pop song you remembered, and mess around with it until some other purple entered the room.

One evening during the Cocktail hour Coco asked you to play something. “We all know you can play, just please, I’m so sick of this song” She said looking at the radio with a disgusted look on her face.

“Ehrm, I don’t actually know any piece all the way through. Piano isn’t really my instrument so most of the music I remember would also not sound right.”

“You don’t know it all the way through, but that means you know at least a little something. Go on darling don't be shy” Evie said, and you couldn’t help but feel uneasy playing in front of these fancy people. 

You sat down on it’s large bench, you wanted to at least try something classical, to try and show them that you weren’t absolutely uncultured. Choosing Moonlight Sonata might have been predictable, but at least it wasn’t Fur Elise. The first movement was all you could remember, but it was the piece you knew the best. In the end you were met with applause, to your surprise.

“Ah splendid! I had no idea poor people even knew about Beethoven!” Evie was certainly one for theatrics, the way she overreacted made you giggle, almost letting you forget the shakiness in your hands.

“Play something you can sing to, I heard you sing before, you have a lovely voice” Timothy said with a big smile, and you realised just then how that sounded. When did he even hear you sing? By the way Coco and Gallant looked at eachother you could tell they had gossiped about you before, and the thought that the whole outpost might be thinking about it too made you want to puke. 

To hide your discomfort you started playing the first song you could think of, and while you played the only thought on your mind was Ms. Venable. What if she thought you and Timothy had a thing? Would she kill you both without even hearing you out? Somehow that wasn’t the part that disturbed you the most, though you couldn’t quite understand what was. She didn’t hang around the music room much during the day, and when she did she would either hide behind a book or have an argument with someone and leave. Right now you hoped she wasn’t even looking at you and didn’t hear the tone of what he said.

Of course nothing good could ever last. Not those few nights of sleep or the good mood that you were back on.

Because of the accusations she made you couldn’t help but feel paranoid about everything you did or said. If you were too nice to someone she would take it all wrong, you just couldn’t do that. And about not deserving things, what was the point she was trying to make really? Did she know you weren’t supposed to be there? That couldn’t be it, she would’ve killed you as soon as you stepped in there. Or maybe they didn’t do that because it would take away from the cooperative’s legitness, making a mistake like that. If you weren’t that busy panicking over all that you would have noticed that it was weird how she just knew you didn’t take her offer. Could she have been expecting you? Stayed up waiting for you? Or asked someone?

But then again, those were questions that skipped your mind.

Someone suggested to play truth or dare between the purples, only without the dares because there wasn’t really much you could do. So, in practise it was just a question game, getting to know each other a bit more, what was wrong with that? Everyone had to co-exist, so understanding who you had been before could only do good right? Yeah… trouble was that the person you were before wasn’t really a nice light topic of conversation.

“What did you want to be as a kid?” asked Dinah.

“I just always wanted to prove that I was capable of doing things on my own. Like, being successful on my own. I didn’t feel like my dad’s money should be just that, whatever it was that I was going to be, I wanted people to know that I was worth the things I owned” Coco said.

“Wow Coco, who would’ve thought? You finally said something that makes people sympathise with you.” André retorted, to which she only answered by making him a face.

“I wanted to be a hairdresser from the start. I know what I’m good at.” announced Mr. Gallant.

“Yes you sure did..” said Evie.

Everyone took their turns, Dinah said something inspirational, Timothy said something boring, Evie said something extra, and unfortunately, they didn’t forget to ask you as well. The smart thing to have done was just probably saying you wanted to be a model or an astronaut or a doctor, but of course, you said the truth and made it awfully awkward.

“I… I didn’t want to be anything really. I was terrified of the future, if I dared to dream then I would have to live with the disappointment of my failure. I never really thought I’d make it.”

“Yikes….. Okay things got kinda too deep.” Said Mr. Gallant before Dinah dismissed him and said “Oh but you did, didn’t you? We’re all here still! How wonderful is that? We have been that strong!”

“Well, since we’re on a depressing note already, might as well talk about all our dead loved ones” said Coco.

“Hah loved ones, that’s a funny one” you said.

“What do you mean?” said Timothy.

“Well… no loved ones to account for really”

“Are you serious? What, were you an orphan or something?” asked Coco.

“No, not really” a pause from everyone, expectant on you to go on. “So, my mum died when I was a kid. She was nice. The only nice thing I had really. Then my father was an absolute fucking asshole piece of shit who just kept hating on her for no reason, and he didn’t care about me either, kept me around for the child support money. I left that place as soon as I could. Then I didn’t care much about making friends really, too busy with other things.”

“Wow that was quite the life” Gallant mocked.

“But you’re always so jolly dear, how come?” asked Evie.

“And isn’t that the best cover for a ruined mind?” You answered.

From then on you were not only paranoid, but nostalgic as well. Realising how you had wasted your life away to how bad you felt about yourself. And the irony in that was how now you were wasting the last chance away as well. Every other passage in a book made you cry, everything everyone said was too much. You stopped hanging around the others when it wasn’t mandatory, no one would catch a glimpse of you except during meals and cocktails, and on those occasions you were spaced out for the most part, not really adding to any conversations or cracking dumb jokes anymore.

Your little concerts slowly stopped happening, you just pretended you didn’t see that keyboard anymore. Hell, at one point Coco even stopped commenting on you tired or down you looked, it was the new normal, and it was just uncomfortable to bring up anymore, even for her.

What you didn’t find out until later was that Venable was on the balcony to the music room during the game. Not that your life story would soften her, of course nothing ever could, but the outpost did become even more insufferable than usual after it.

The days had rolled on and on for a while, your nights melting into days, melting into nothing. Waking up tear stained yet again, no clue of what time it was supposed to be, you noticed a small purple leather book that hadn’t been on your table before.

You stumbled your way to it, wondering which of your steps would make it dissolve into the air. But none did. It was right there. And you recognized it. You dreamt with it every night. Or, was it a dream at all?

Or, wasn’t it all a dream?

No, you tried to rub the sleep from your face. You knew the book because it so often stood behind those brown eyes. Eyes that you couldn’t stand to look at, but had somehow been etched into your eyelids. Eyes that went from left to right, then right to left over the pages on your table.

You turned your back to it and went back to sleep, the only thing that made sense, if only for a couple minutes at a time. Your dreams swayed from one to the other with a berry liqueur flavour to them, some clear, some red as blood. And when you woke up there was the blueberry book still.

You opened it, praying answers would drop from it. Whatever God or Goddess you prayed to had been listening apparently, although not entirely. Were they answers? No, maybe it was just another bunch of questions really, but what dropped from the book was a handwritten note.

The offer still stands.

The shock made you stand right up.

“Uh.. Good Morning Ms. Venable?” you said before feeling even more dizzy than before, roughly grabbing a chair to keep you steady.

“Good- Are-?” you alright was what she was probably going to say before she remembered who she was.

“Has something happened?” you asked, realising that her presence in your room could mean no good.

“I should be the one asking you that.” She said coldly, and with a lift of the eyebrow added “You’re bleeding”

“What?” you touched the back of your hand to your nose when you felt something hot there.

You turned away from her to go look for a towel, and then when it was firmly pressed to your face, you leaned against the bathroom door slightly, looking at her in question.

“I found this in the library” She said, turning the cover of a book toward you. “You might want to take a few notes and work on your terrible form. Also there’s a couple pieces.” Squinting at the book you made out the black and white of piano keys.

You stared at her for a bit, still in shock. A “Thank you” was all you could think of to say.

She left without adding anything else, and after a while, sitting on the floor again with the towel still pressed to your nose, you wondered if that could have just been your imagination.

Had she really come to your room before the wake-up call? You turned the book in your hands without really being able to read it.

Later on when a gray came to “wake you up” you had a glass of water and cleaned the dry blood off your face, and went to have breakfast with the others.

“Wow, you look even worse than usual Y/N” Coco exclaimed as you sat down with a grunt, already starting to feel sore from your workout.

“Thanks" you said with a fake smile.

Other than those incidents, the meals were the only times you ever stood close to Ms. Venable. Her presence had always made you uneasy, but recently you found it almost impossible to even look her way. It felt like the two of you shared a secret, one that your life depended on. Maybe it didn't really, but her authority on the outpost made it so you couldn't even mention her name when she wasn't around, too afraid that the walls themselves would tell her about your actions.

Right now as you stood a couple seats from her own, even though you didn't dare look at her, at times you swore you felt a laser burning into you, her gaze fixing itself upon you unapologetically.

You fucking bled in front of her. You with your supposedly perfect DNA, barely standing straight and bleeding. Was she going to question how you even got to the outpost? Surely she must have realised that you were never supposed to survive the apocalypse. Or was she going to ask what the hell you were doing? Could she think you were up to something shady?

You knew she hated your guts. How you stood out from the others, trying to be funny and nice. At least right now you hated yourself, your own cheeriness starting to annoy you. But then you broke the damn rules and after that she got the confirmation that you had to be an impostor. With your plate now empty, you stared at it. The bizarre spotlessness of a plate that had food in it making your insides turn, no bread crumbs, no grease from your bacon, nothing in it at all. It was only a matter of time before she ordered you to be killed surely. You survived the apocalypse to then be killed for doing so by accident, your existence as evident to whoever made it as the cube that hadn't stained your plate.

She had to hate you right?

But what was that book for? Why did she care to come to you? That was the detail that made the rest of it all blurry. It just didn't make any sense to you.

You were so caught up in your thoughts that you didn't realise everyone was staring at you, and Timothy had his hand on your arm. You realised you were bleeding again. Nice, this time in front of everyone, so they all could witness that there really was something wrong with you.

"Oh my God are you dying Y/N?" Coco asked, as if you knew.

"Coco do you always have to be this insensitive?" said Dinah to your surprise, she didn't usually react to what Coco said.

"If I am, let's just hope it doesn’t take me too long so you don’t have to look at my ugly face anymore” you snapped back, getting to your feet before sarcastically excusing yourself from the table.

From the other side of the room you could still hear her say “Guys I know that the Stu incident was kinda traumatic but I wouldn’t mind having a bite of her." you speed walked to your room, electing to ignore her.

You got to your room, dirtied yet another towel with your blood and before you could sit down you heard Ms. Mead and The fist storming in.

Ms. Mead waved the radiation measuring device around you for a while before putting it away, an annoyed expression etched on her face, clearly disappointed that you hadn't set the thing off so she could punish you. Both of them got out of your room without saying a word to you.

"All clear." she said just outside your room, and she could only be talking to the boss herself.

Then you heard the shuffle of feet walking away, and the sound of her cane getting closer.

"If there is a matter of health you would like to tell me about, now is the time for it" she said, getting into your room for the second time that day.

"There isn't." you answered with a nasal voice. She made a disbelieving face at you and added "We have a stock of medicine in case someone were to need it" emphasising the someone.

"Well not that I would know, it's just a nosebleed, it'll go away."

If you didn't know better, you would say she looked concerned. The barely noticeable way she tapped her finger to the head of her cane, her jaw tense and eyebrows furrowed ever so slightly. When she didn't move from her spot you said "I'm fine, I'm not radioactive and I'm not dying."

The mixture of your tiredness, annoyed state and general bad mood made you blurt what came after without thinking twice.

“And what would any of you assholes care if I died? Means more food for you, whatever way that might be.”

“Are you done Y/N?” she asked simply, her calmness even scarier than her usual anger, and the use of your first name throwing you off.

But this wasn’t actually a moment of quiet before the storm, because somehow there wasn’t one. Her chest was falling and rising with more effort than it was supposed to, and her eyes were fixed on you with the glow of an old fire, sad and tired.

“We don’t want you dead.” she paused, shielding her eyes again, taking a breath to hide the display she had just offered you.

Everything she said and did worked only to confuse you. Try as you might, there was no way of understanding her. She scared you to your bones and yet you couldn’t help but cling to the little spots where she let some niceness show through.

“I decided to workout before the book thing?” you admitted, trying not to say anything someone could overhear and twist up. “As I’ve said before, I’ve been having a hard time sleeping, so I thought that maybe if I got myself tired enough it would be easier? I might have pushed myself a bit too much, that’s why this happened.” you pointed at the towel you were holding with the other hand.

You were starting to regret your little rant before she said “If that is the case, then I suppose I could allow you to practise your technique on the piano, even after hours. If that’s something that could help.”

Was she actually being kinda nice? On every single one of your encounters you had made a fool of yourself, never knowing what to say to her, there was no reason she should be acting this understanding with you. You still didn’t know what to say this time, but with your eyebrows pushed together you fished for words.

“Are you serious?”

“If your little sleep deprived brain can’t understand what I’m saying or maybe you don’t want to, then by all means, don’t.”

“No no no, yes, I do want it, thank you I-”

“So that will be that.” She interrupted you, then tapped her cane, turned around and left.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Seriously there's no way you're not cheating Y/N!" Said Mr. Gallant.

"She just knows her cards dear, you don't have to be a sore loser about it." Evie answered, the compliments from these people never failing to surprise you

"Look, I'm sorry that I've been the president for the last like ten rounds? And it's not on me that you have been the scum for half of it." you said, shuffling the cards and then giving them to André on your right to deal.

"Alright, how about we change the game to something else? Spades?" said Dinah.

You nodded before Gallant threw his head back and said "She'll win whatever game it is we play, she's like an old mafia dude who owns a chain of casinos. Not even worth it…."

And the bell rang for dinner, Ms. Venable holding it with her free hand. You didn't hear her coming in, so she probably stood in the room for a while, not getting the immediate attention she usually does because this time everyone was busy with the end of the game and laughing at Gallant's complaints.

Everyone went on to the dining room while you stood behind, putting the cards back in their box. You were making your way to the shelf where the cards were stored before Mallory stopped you “I’ll take care of those” then smiled at you, not before shooting a glance at the door.

“It’s like two steps away but sure, thank you sweetie.” you made your way out, stopping before Ms. Venable, who was blocking the way purposefully. She tapped her cane twice, a clear instruction apparently because you heard Mallory’s hurried footsteps up the spiral staircase and away, leaving the two of you alone again.

“I sincerely hope you haven’t forgotten the color you’re wearing Ms. Y/L/N, or your privileges. Or the house rules for that matter. The grays are only alive to work, but you aren’t. Please don’t spit into the golden plate that the Cooperative has so kindly placed in front of you.”

She then took another step closer, uncomfortably so and added: “And it also appears as though you either magically remembered how sleeping works, or you just, once again, took an offer you don’t deserve and did with it as you pleased.”

She knows. And you know she knows that you’re not supposed to be there. You felt your neck get hotter, and though the dizziness disappeared after that night and stayed gone over the past couple of days, it was starting to come right back. Only it wasn’t the same light headed feeling, this time it was your very soul spinning, distressed.

“I’ve actually slept… I- because I didn’t feel well, I guess, I just dozed off.”

She smiled that cynical smile of hers and with her face very close to yours she whispered “I am really hoping that your dozing off happened in your room and without company, because you know very well what happens otherwise. And wouldn’t that just be a shame? Hm, sweetie?”

Ten seconds ago you were scared of her, but her implications made you forget that as fast as you heard her say them. You took a step back so she could see your face.

“Are you serious? You saw me that morning! I could barely stand and you think I screwed someone?” you exhaled in frustration and kept eye contact.

She lifted her chin with a satisfied smile and with a tap of her cane said “Let us not be too late for dinner:”

“This.... is insane Jeff” you said as you took your sunglasses off, squinting very hard.

“I told you! I don’t know what’s so hard to believe about it. The whole multi-million company thing wasn’t convincing enough to make you believe this place is nice?” He said as he led you around to his office.

“Well, I’m just saying that coming from you I expected more of a nerd bunker than a sci-fi spaceship”

“Are your standards really that low Y/N?” he said with his hand on his chest, pretending to be deeply offended.

“Yeah, in the beginning you bragged for months about your Van”

“Oh but you can’t say that a company on the move isn’t cool”

“Sure” you said, shifting your attention to the woman in purple sitting behind the desk.

“Hi, you must be Ms.Venable! I’m Y/N, Jeff’s sister.” You said with your hand stretched out in front of you.

She looked from you to Jeff, and then at your hand, considering whether she should take it or not. Slowly, with the help of her cane, she stood up and shook it.

“And I hear you would be joining us to prepare for tomorrow, although I’ve told Mr. Pfister I have it handled.” She said, shooting your brother a menacing look, but you were too distracted by the feeling of her gloved hand still in yours. Had someone turned off the AC?

“I know Ms. Venable, I just had to show her the place before the party so she would believe it is nice. And by having her help get things ready she would know we didn’t mess things around to make it look better than it is” He said, and when you managed to shift your gaze away from her you noticed how Jeff looked. Someone finally taught him respect?

“If I had met Ms.Venable before, maybe I wouldn’t doubt how nice it is.”

“If you hadn’t left home for so long, maybe you would know more about the company”

“If you didn’t have so much blow up your nose all the time back then, maybe I wouldn’t feel the need to run away!” 

“Awww family reunions are so cute” You turned to the circle door on the left side of the room to see your brother’s work partner leaning against it and looking at you two with a pout.

“Oh… hey Mutt” 

“How is my favourite Pfister doing? I can’t believe how long it has been since I’ve seen you bro!” He said giving you a hug you did not expect.

“Hey! What the hell? Your favourite Pfister? Really? Stop flirting with my sister, asshole” said Jeff.

“I’m not! But it’s true, your sister is the best. Back then before we even dreamt of Kineros, the three of us would have so much fun!” Mutt answered, his arm still around your shoulders.

“Yeah I guess, before you two started your bullshit in between the lines” you said, scratching at your nose.

“Oh, speaking of flirting, how is that girlfriend of yours doing?” Jeff asked.

“Girlfriend? What… Ah. Yeah, well- she..” You laughed “ I swear I can’t make this shit up. Has it been that long since we spoke really?” The topic was making you even more uncomfortable, and you noticed that Ms. Venable was looking at you with an almost curious look? Was it? She was hard to read.

“Well, would you believe it, she fell in love with your dear coke instead.” Jeff looked at you as if he had just broken your favourite toy.

“Yea she just dumped me a while back and hit the streets. I tried to look for her, but she was just gone. I have no clue if she’s even alive.”

“Shit Y/N I’m sorry” Jeff said.

“Are you? Or are you still sniffing lines like a mad man?” 

“Technically not lines no.” He said, smiling at Mutt knowingly.

You took his arm from your shoulders. “So you’re telling me that if I punch your ass right now it wouldn’t be snowing in here?”

When he didn’t answer with anything other than laughter you went on “It’s not funny! None of this is funny Jeff! Not now, and not that time I had to take your ODing ass to the ER! And not on all those times you were in withdrawal!”

He only laughed more, and said “It would be hell if that happened again!”

“Jeff! Have you-”

“I’m terribly sorry to interrupt, but the last of the decorations for tomorrow are just arriving.” said Ms. Venable. And despite her low voice, all three of you went silent.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You worry too much”

“What?” You asked through the pen you were chewing at, with your back still turned to her from the top of the chair, as you exchanged the regular lightbulb with a colorful one from the box you were holding.

She didn’t repeat herself for a while, as if she regretted saying anything in the first place. The past hour or so you had barely exchanged more than a couple words, her impassive looks making you assume she just didn’t like you.

“You worry too much about him.” She said, her voice loud and clear this time.

You stepped down from the chair placing the white bulb on the box she was holding with one hand. Thinking about your brother now made something clench on your stomach. To hide how hard it was to find an answer for her, you went to write a check on the lighting part of your to-do list.

“How could I not?” You asked.

“I must admit his lifestyle is… interesting. But it seems to have worked to bring this company to where it is today.” She said.

“I know he’s your boss, but you don’t have to doll-up how things are around here. And don’t give him more credit than he deserves, he is cocky enough about it.” after a pause you added “I know that if it were up to him, he would still be assembling robots amidst his dirty socks. It doesn’t take much to realise who’s behind everything that isn’t necessarily robots here.”

You reached for the box she was holding to go put it away, and noticed she was standing as still as a statue. Grabbing it from her with the ghost of a friendly smile on your face you went on, since she didn’t seem to know how to answer you this time.

“He used to say it helped him think and work better. And maybe it does but as his sister I can’t just ignore it and pretend I’m okay with it. He never takes things that matter seriously.”

“Before we got here I- for some stupid reason- actually thought he stopped it. He isn’t like he was before. Something has changed about him.”

“It has.” She said. “I think his dedication to the job put him in his tracks somewhat. Whatever his tracks are” She added with a smirk.

Giggling at that, you said, holding the checklist for her to see “Now that we´re done, how about we go get a snack and talk about something that doesn’t involve dumb and dumber or their tragic hairstyles?”

Fighting back a smile, she guided you somewhere you could eat, and said “I’m glad you don’t have a bowl cut too.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For the first hour or so Jeff introduced you to random people at the party, none of them getting much of your attention at all. Fancy and famous people, and though it was hard to believe seeing your brother around them- their nice suits next to his striped shirt, jeans and hoodie- you didn’t feel astonished at all. You felt crushed by everyone around you and took every opportunity to avoid dull conversation.

Some of them were surprised to meet you, to see how his casualty wasn’t a trait you shared, and given that you knew this would be a somewhat big party you did, in fact, dress up to the occasion. You decided to wear a nice blazer over a silk lingerie type shirt, straight legged pants and heels, hair slicked back and makeup dark and bold. Anywhere else you would look out of place, but here you managed to melt into the rest of the well dressed crowd. Thankfully that worked to your advantage so you could be away from the center of attention.

On the quick calls you did have, your brother never failed to gloat about his life and how great things were, and a part of you hoped blindlessly that it would mean he left his bad habits behind. Though now as you stood under the coloured lights it was more than obvious that he wouldn’t change, and all the bad memories from his addiction came back to you at once. Overwhelmed by your thoughts and the ambient itself, you made your way to the outside of the building unaware of the tic-toc of a cane following you.

“Where are you going?” her voice pulled you back to reality.

“I don’t know. Just away from this” you said, hand waving in the air. Then you took a second to look at her, as formally dressed as the day before, lilac suit and all, only her expression had changed. Though you knew she would never admit it, her face was contorted in a plea, almost begging for you to stay.

“I thought he changed. I really did. Like a foolish fucking child.”You blurted out.

“You don’t have to leave like this.” She stated, sounding disinterested despite herself.

“I do. I really do.”

“I never come to these events… I hate these people just as much as you do.” You narrowed your eyes at her, waiting for the rest of it, and when it didn’t come you asked “What made you come this time?”

After a long pause she said “I was surprised to meet you. I would never believe your brother had someone as… prudent and sensible in his life.” Another pause. “I’m trying to say don’t leave m-” She stopped herself.

“Then take me somewhere” You said without thinking, looking straight into those brown eyes as they seemed to soften. And for the first time her face twisted into what was definitely, unmistakably, a smile, and all you could do was smile right back.

After a while the purples naturally expected your daily performance, and even suggested songs and sang along. You got into the habit of going to the music room when everyone was busy elsewhere to remember chords to songs and practise, and the mood did seem to lighten up. But despite that, every now and then Ms. Venable would look bitterly at the piano, and a feeling of uneasiness would settle within you. How long would it last until she ordered for the damn piano to be destroyed? Or maybe she would just throw you out of the outpost and feed you to the monsters?

Her coldness toward you sure worked at keeping you down, not that anyone would know. Despite being the one always coming up with jokes and ways to make everyone get into friendly conversation, there was that constant sadness. Every minute you spent alone in your room was a minute you spent thinking about the past and all the things that went wrong in your life. The memories from your parents always came up, before you ran away from living with your dad in search for a life you would enjoy. You hated him. You couldn’t help not to.

Every time you said 'thank you" a heavy silence would fill the room. As if the words 'you're welcome' would burn a hole through his mouth. All you ever wanted was reassurance, to feel heard and to know there was someone to lean onto. But that hadn't been the case, not then, and it wouldn't be any different after the world collapsed.

At night you would let the tears take away the weight on your soul. You would remember when you were a child, crying in your mom's arms because of your scraped knees, and wish she had never let go and walked away. Some nights you questioned the Gods on their decision to take her when they could have just taken you, of cursing the earth with your broken form, where hers was light, and sweet, and kind and perfect.

You couldn't help but feel like a thief, sitting in bed holding within you something as wonderful as life itself. As you skimmed through your dusty cabinet of feelings, you could find nothing but guilt. And the thought of it made you feel even more guilty. Until there was just guilt everywhere again. It was all too familiar by now. On the inside of your pillows there was guilt. On the table by those poetry books, hidden in the corners but always in plain sight there was guilt. On each thread of each garment you wore, there was guilt. Guilt in the sky. Guilt in the sea. Guilt in the perfume of flowers and in the taste of fruit.

Nothing you ever tried would make it go away. Not the nicotine or the alcohol. Not the sleepless nights or the unconscious days. And every time you sank lower into it you wondered if the warmth of someone holding you would. Just the same way your mother's embrace would make the pain go away.

The end of the world brought a numbness with it at first, but it gradually receded to the guilty conscience and with that came your inability to sleep.

It was one of the unspoken rules to not be out of bed at night, because someone could assume you were sneaking to be with someone breaking the actual copulating rule, and also because everyone had to be on time for breakfast.

Still, after a couple of days of waking up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night or not being able to fall asleep at all, you decided to try and walk around the outpost to see if you could find sleep hidden in some corner somewhere.

The eeriness of the place was actually comforting. The silence and the soft shadows that the candle in your hand casted for some reason did work at calming you down, and after a few days it was your new “bad” habit.

That was of course until that night.

At some point in the night you found yourself in the corridor that led to the music room, staring at the door. It had the tiniest crack open, and through it you could see candlelight. 

At first you just assumed someone forgot to put the candles out, but as you came up to the door you realised someone was still up. And that someone was playing the piano? You opened the door a tiny bit wider to peek inside. Yes, someone was playing. That someone was playing what you recognised to be the third movement from Moonlight sonata, and was playing it perfectly. It sounded furious. And passionate. It was like every note was rippling through your very bones, you could almost feel yourself vibrating along with its anger. You simply couldn’t turn away from it, the melody wrapped itself around you and you could not budge even if you wanted to.

That someone, funnily enough, was none other than Ms. Venable herself. Once you realised it was her it was already too late to think about running back to your room. As the last chord rang she looked straight into your eyes, a look so unbearably cold that it burned.

Her hands floated away from the keys and toward her cane, and with its help she turned around fully and stood up. She stood her ground, and after a second or two she tapped her cane.

That was when you realised you were holding your breath and your mouth was open. You blinked a couple times in disbelief as you struggled for words.

“That was… it was beautiful” Seemed to be all you could get out.

She made her way toward you slowly, but you could tell how angry she was by the deafening tic her cane produced with each step. “What on earth are you doing up?” She said punctuating each word.

“I-” She grabbed your chin forcefully, making it impossible to look away from her.

“I couldn’t sleep” You managed to whisper

She narrowed her eyes at you and said “Make this the first and last time I find you outside your suite after hours without permission.”

You nodded stiffly before she let go of your face, and as you turned around to leave you bid her goodnight. Madness? Was that the thing running in your veins? She elected to ignore you and with that you slipped off back to your room, the grooves of her fingerless leather gloves still imprinted onto your skin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Miss girl, you have to drop by my room one of these days so I can lend you some concealer! Those eyebags are offensive to be honest." Coco said while sitting across from you at the dinner table, Mr. Gallant nodding in agreement.

"Sure thing Coco" 

Up until that night you managed to sleep a few hours per night, but after it, things got even worse than before. Three days had passed and you doubted you had slept as many hours.

Since googling how to sleep wasn’t an option anymore, you tried remembering on your own the sort of thing some health wellness website would advise. Drinking water: you did drink water? That one is always the solution they give. Eating a healthy,varied and balanced diet: yes of course. Your jelly mystery cubes surely gave you a wide range of options. Meditating: you tried a couple times, but on your own all you managed to do was sit cross legged for hours trying to fight off the thoughts. Working out? The last resort.

Running around the outpost didn’t seem like a very good idea, so you just stayed in your room doing push-ups, squats, sit-ups and lifting books in your pajamas one early morning before breakfast.

But considering the aforementioned nutrition situation, it wasn’t surprising how after almost an hour of repeating those exercises you felt dizzy and nauseous. You were sat down on the floor, back against your bed and head resting on your hands, which in turn rested on your bent knees, trying very hard to not pass out, when you heard a knock on the door.

You assumed it was a gray coming to help you get ready for breakfast, even though it felt too early for that, and lifting your gaze toward the door you mumbled “Come in, it’s open.”

To your surprise, the person who pushed the door open wasn’t dressed in gray, but in black, cane ticking in announcement of her arrival.