Hello! I've been reading a lot about John's depression in early 1968, but I read here on your blog that Paul wasn't doing so well either. Could you please give some examples?
Paul was a mess in 1968. That summer, he opened his house to the fans and groupies who camped outside, and according to Tony Bramwell and Hunter Davies, Canvendish was often full of half-naked girls. He was binging on sex and alcohol, while the house itself descended into chaos until Linda fortunately came into the picture later that year. Derek Taylor (who was never especially fond of Paul) said that he had never hated anyone more than he hated Paul in 1968, recalling that Paul sent him and his wife strange, cryptic letters during this time. In the studio, people noticed how tense Paul was about Yoko’s constant presence; one account even describes him snapping at John, saying, “She leaves or I leave,” only for John to reply, “She’s not going anywhere.” Paul stormed out in a rage. Francie, who was dating him then, described just how volatile he had become. She recalled that he could be cold toward her in front of others for no reason, and that sometimes he would come home from the studio, strip off his clothes as he walked through the house, and head straight to bed without saying a word. She also remembered being called to pick him up from a bar, only to find him outside, crying on the street. The pressures were enormous: he had just broken off his engagement with Jane Asher, and at the same time, he was forced to watch as John became inseparable from Yoko. Francie (I hate to have to quote her so much but she actually dated Paul during this time so...) said:
"Paul wasn't happy. But the big things that were drving him mad were beyond me. When John came over, all he could talk about was how much he loved Yoko. That disturbed Paul. In spite of John's obvious happiness, Paul stifled his jealousy with not-very-cute bursts of racist crap. He cruised Jane’s house, and rang her from the phone in his Mini, She would say, “Sorry, I've pot somebody here.” He would creep home in a rage."
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AN: i have been feeling down for the past months and needed to put my feelings into something, so here it is.
I want you to remember - even if it feels like no one sees you, you matter more than you know. if you ever feel like you don't, please reach out to someone you trust. or if you think someone needs help, please help them, you could be what they need.
You were an Avenger. But that didn’t mean you mattered. Now really.
They always said you were a family, but families don’t forget you exist. They don’t need you only when you have to patch the cracks. Family don’t leave you sitting alone in your room while they go outside to hang out, not even inviting you.
They always need you to save them, but they are never here to save you.
You were the second option, the backup plan, the one they called only when no one else was available. And you told yourself it was fine – because when you’ve grown up as the last option for everyone, you learn to swallow it down.
But being surrounded by people who have everything you didn’t; families who loved them, partners who held them close, friend who never let them feel alone. No one texted you. No one asked if you were okay. They just assumed you were fine, because you never showed that you weren’t. And when you tried? When you let something slip? They made you feel like a burden. That made the emptiness inside you so much louder.
So you kept quiet. You smiled. You listened to their stories, pretending you were happy about them. You tried to stay in the background. Closed your walls and didn’t let anyone see the real you. You had everything under control.
Until you didn’t.
That night, when the Compound was full of laughter and music and you were lying alone in your room, staring at the ceiling, that thought came again. The tempting one. ‘What if you just disappeared? Would they notice? Would they care? Or would it just be quieter in the halls?’
So, you wrote a note, short and messy. And then you did it. Because maybe the only way anyone would ever remember you... was if you were gone.
~
And when they found you the next day, they remembered about your existence. But it was already late. You didn’t exist anymore.
They found the note you left. It was short. It wasn’t a goodbye letter or a dramatic speech. Just a few scattered sentences, shaky handwriting and some dried out tears.
“I’m sorry that i was never enough. I just wanted someone to care. Someone to remember me. I hope you will miss me, even a little. That would mean I mattered.”
Natasha’s hands trembled when she read it out loud. She couldn’t keep her tears. It was the first time the team saw her ever cry. Steve sat down slowly as like his legs gave out. Bucky didn’t speak. He just pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. Wanda broke the moment Natasha had finished the note. Tony took the note from Natasha, reading it to make sure it was real. He read it a few times.
The room was silent except for the crying. No one knew what to say. They'd all been so wrapped up in their own lives, that they hadn’t noticed you slipping away. And now it was too late.
summary: still mourning Steve, the loss of her life, she was willing to fill the space he’s left with anyone, even if it’s his cheap double she can’t stand.
warnings: set during & after fatws, heavy angst, hurt/no comfort, mourning, hints at depression, rough sex
a/n: some small fractures of this have been rotting away in my drafts for such a long time, but I was feeling angsty tonight so...here we are! it somehow didn't feel right to use 'you' for this one, but it's not an OC either. Just a little concept I played around with!
⍟
She should’ve been over it by now.
No one told her that.
But she could see that they were thinking it, softening eyes full of pity whenever she let someone close enough to see all the shattered pieces.
And with every passing day, it became harder to not squirm away from them, the idea of withdrawing so quietly no one would even remember her an alluring outlook.
The fight was over.
Wars were won.
A good man was buried and the stones were returned.
And Steve, her Steve, never came back home.
While all the people around her finally dared again to speak of a future, hers was lost together with the love of her damn life.
People moved on.
She didn’t.
Didn’t know how.
*
Shaking her head, she remembered how to blink.
A warm arm tightened around her shoulder, signalizing that she was still being listened to.
“In those five years…everything I did was for a future where we’d finally be at peace. Happy. And then he came back with Tony and something had changed.”
In the dark of the night, when the shadows were the cruelest and her mind the loudest, she could see the flicker of guilt passing over Steve’s face back then.
Like there had been a moment where he had forgotten she existed and was now painfully reminded of it.
“There’s a way.” Bucky said softly and before he even spoke his next words, she knew what was coming. “You don’t have to deal with this on your own. You got us. And my therapist has offered an hour just for you, so you can see if this could be something for you. To talk to someone.”
She stared at him. “I’m talking to you right now.”
Bucky shook his head. “A professional.”
There was no answer for him after that.
*
The first time she saw him, he was on top of the world on national television and she was so drunk the ceiling spung around above her head.
Everything was wrong about him.
The southern drawl, clean shaven face, the brightness with which he explained his duties. The audience cheering him on like there was no tomorrow.
She looked at him and saw a ghost.
She saw John Walker and knew whatever thin thread she had been clinging on to was dead. Irreversibly broken.
The glass in her hand hit the screen, shattering into pieces and drowning the room in darkness.
*
Her hands were shaking all the time now.
But she still called Bucky.
Staring at the playbacks of the interview, unblinking.
Clips of him working out, carrying the shield with elite excellence.
Wrong.
Wrong.
Wrong.
Wrong.
No answer.
She tried Sam.
Then Bucky again.
They’re busy, a small remaining rational part inside of her whispered. Try again later.
But what if they had forgotten her?
After all, she was never good enough for people to stay.
Steve didn’t.
*
When John hit rock bottom, she had been around there for a while.
She was an open wound, raw and dripping, yet longing for someone to put their finger into the mess and twist.
It’d be better than feeling nothing at all.
It’d be…a relief to know she could still feel anything at all.
*
The bar was cheap, the drinks disgusting and she was tired.
Out of all people she could’ve stumbled upon, John Walker had not been on her radar tonight.
He was sitting by the bar like some kind of punished god, head hung low and shoulders tense.
He had the wrong hair color.
Nose crooked, broken before he’d gotten to the serum.
Staring at nothing.
He looked dangerous.
She wasn’t interested in the world anymore, but he had been going through a rough patch, she knew.
Stripped of the glory.
Wife gone.
Home empty.
Like hers.
Losing Steve had made her reckless. Self-destructive.
Sam and Bucky weren’t here right now to stop her from breaking just a bit more.
“Is this seat free?”
Blurry blue eyes met hers.
There was no sparkle in them, no light.
She watched his hand with the wedding band scrub over the stubble on his cheek as he took her in.
“I suppose so.”
And he scooted over.
*
The wall against her back was cold, but his body pressed against hers was hot.
Not soft or comforting, but scalding.
The kiss angry.
Merciless with one another.
His lips tasted like cheap whiskey and it was so fucking blue, she nearly crumbled right there in his arms.
It hurt and she needed it to hurt even more, until they had used each other’s body to drown out the sorrow and feel somewhat close to bliss, just for a while.
John panted against her neck and she hissed as he bit her, hands roaming over his body. With her eyes closed, it might’ve felt like he was someone else.
But he wasn’t.
A broken sob tore from her throat as his hand pushed the dress out of the way and found her wet.
She burned her hands on him and bruised her lips against his as he took her apart with two rough fingers.
Quick.
Efficient.
Somehow knowing exactly how to ruin her.
Scalding whatever had been left of her in a desperate attempt to prove himself he was still there.
It was her who tugged his pants down.
Her giving him the rest of encouragement he needed with a few sharp strokes and a low, whispered fuck me.
He did.
And it was the closest to feeling human ever since Steve had left her behind.
They’re both had been left behind.
Left to themselves like they had any clue what to do, how to live like this.
Description: You had anxiety and depression, and Tony and Bruce were more than happy with getting you anxiety meds the moment that you asked. When you stop taking your meds, your mental health plummets and spirals as well as your physical health, and everyone notices. Don't worry though, they're there for you.
Pairing: (Platonic) Avengers x Teen!Reader
Type: Fluff, Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Warnings: Depression, anxiety, sickness, fainting, dizziness, taking meds(both medicated and just vitamins/iron supplements), dehydration, insomnia, depressive and hurtful thoughts, reader doesn't talk very much in this, nicknames(Kiddo, Kid, Hun)
Word Count: 1,627
Note: I may or may not have written this with too much of myself being present… But it's fine! I also wrote this at like 2 in the morning so it's kinda rough but I just needed to get this typed out so here ya go! Also, the characters might be kinda ooc because I haven't watched any marvel movies in a little while but I've been hyper focused on fics with them lately so yea. And I am working on my tlou and tech fics, it's just hard to find the motivation to write them, but don't worry, I'm working on em.
-~-~-~-~-~-~
You were quick to notice that you stopped taking your meds. You knew that they helped you, but you couldn't get yourself to start the habit of taking them again. You wanted to, most definitely, but you couldn't. Every day was the same. Wake up, look at your meds, contemplate taking them, saying you'll take them later, go train, eat, and then not take them.
You also stopped taking them at night too. You had even set alarms so that you'd remember to take them, but it didn't help at all. Natasha was the first to notice that something was up, being the closest one with you. When she realized that something wasn't quite right, she made sure to keep a close eye on you. She was quick to pick up how dizzy you looked when you'd get up, sometimes not even being able to stay standing before you crumbled back onto the couch. You'd always play it off as if you just lost your footing but she and everyone else knew that that wasn't the case.
One morning you had gotten up much later than you had recently been getting up. When you checked the time, it was around two in the afternoon. You got up and went to the kitchen, feeling extremely hungry after forgetting, and also just not wanting dinner the night prior. When you arrived in the kitchen, Tony was there. He had kind of taken up the father role in your life.
The moment he saw that you had finally arose, he was quick to make a snarky comment in good fun, “Ah! The beast has finally awoken from their slumber, now off they go to find their beauty.”
You only roll your eyes, ignoring him. You felt exhausted, even though you got close to ten hours of sleep seeing as you fell asleep around 4 in the morning. You couldn't find anything easy to fix or that looked appetizing in the fridge or pantry so you just opted for a bottle of water that you would only take a sip or two of then leave with your other five almost full water bottles on your nightstand.
Before you could go back to the confines of your room, Tony had to ask you a question, “ Hey kiddo, did you take your meds?”
The question caught you off guard, not expecting him to ask seeing as he hasn't asked in a real long time.
“Oh yea! I, um, took them earlier but fell back asleep. Yea, that's what I did!”
You try to make it seem like you weren't lying through your teeth, but weren't very successful because of how exhausted you were. However, before Tony could confront you, you book it to your room. You hide there for the rest of the day, not coming out for Dinner. Steve had come by to tell you that dinner was ready but you told him that you weren't very hungry as you just kept your
on the book that you had your nose in. You kept your light on all night, not feeling tired.
The next morning, Nat knocked on your door around eight, coming to get you so that you could train with her. When she opened your door, she saw you laying on your back staring up at the ceiling. You looked exhausted and had dark circles under your eyes. When Bat opened the door, you flung up in surprise. You hadn't heard her knocking so you weren't expecting for the door to randomly open. You couldn't tell who it was at first because your vision went fuzzy black as your body tried to accommodate the sudden movement that you caused. Nat waited for you to acknowledge her.
When you did after a couple seconds, you looked over at the time, confused. It had just been two the last time you looked at the clock. How could it be eight all of the sudden? You were brought out of your thoughts by Natasha trying to talk to you. You zoned back in, giving her a questioning look.
“I said, are you ok? You look exhausted Hun. I came by to get ya to come train but it looks like you need to rest for a couple days.”
“Oh! No, I'm fine. Just give me a couple minutes to get ready and I'll be down and we can get to work in no time!”
She gave you a skeptical look but nodded, closing your door behind her.
When you got down to the training room, Bucky and Steve were there with Natasha. They smiled upon seeing you walk in. However, Bucky and Steve's bright smiles dropped upon looking at your figure. You were slouched, tired eyes not fully open and your eye bags were extremely dark.
Bucky was the first to point it out, “Hey Kid, you ok? You aren't looking too good.”
You only shrugged, your body aching and your throat feeling scratchy and sore for some reason.
As you're sparring with Natasha, you continuously have to stop the match because you go into coughing fits. As finish with your last coughing fit you go back to Natasha, but she's packing her stuff up.
“Wait, where are you going?” You're voice comes rather harsh and rude as you ask the red head.
“I think you should rest for the rest of the day Hun. I'll come check on you in a little while. But go take your meds and also some cough syrup and eat something.”
You didn't say anything as you grabbed your stuff and walked back to your room. This was stupid. It was just a little cold. You can still fight. You need to train. Deep down though you knew you needed to listen to her and do as she said. In the end, you don't. You go back to your room, take a sip or two of water, get a small snack and then sit down in the living room with a book.
You try to read it, but you can't stay focused for long enough to. Your mind is spiraling and racing. You kept replaying how training went. You were so pathetic. And rude. How could you be so rude? Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. You slam the book down onto the sofa, huffing.
You hadn't noticed that some of the others had joined you in the living room. They look up at you, surprised. They weren't used to seeing you like this. You tried to get up quickly, wanting to get away from this embarrassing situation.
The moment you get up, the world goes black, buzzing and ringing is the only thing you can hear as you collapse. You feel something picking you up and setting you down on the couch. You blink your eyes a couple times, slowly feeling sensation being restored in your body. You look around you and see that Bruce is coming over with a damp cloth and water. Nat has your head resting in her lap and Tony has your hand in his. They all look worried as they stare down at you. You hear gasped as Steve and Bucky walk in.
Questions are being thrown at you, too fast for you to comprehend. You instinctively put your hands on your ears, feeling overwhelmed. They all quiet down upon seeing this. Tony is the one to ask the questions from then on.
“Hey, it's ok. We're sorry, didn't mean to overwhelm ya like that. Can ya sit up?”
You nodded, feeling embarrassed now. Tony nodded and Nat helped you sit up, allowing you to lean against her.
“Ok, drink some water, you're ok,” Tony hands you the water that Bruce had brought over as Bruce is wiping your face with the cold damp cloth.
“Ya feeling better?”
“Ya, I'm fine.”
“Have you been taking your meds, kid?”Tony doesn't hold back, knowing what it looks like when you don't take the meds that have been helping you produce what your body needs.
You sheepishly look down at your hands that are fidgeting in your lap. You inhale sharply before shaking your head no.
They all sigh, Natasha being the one to talk this time, “Why haven't you been taking your meds, Hun?”
“I-I just don't want to… I don't like the feeling.”
They looked at each other, wondering what to say. As they look at each other, you go to stand up, but they make sure that you don't get up.
“Sit down now and rest,” Bucky's voice comes from behind you, his hands still on your shoulders.
“I'm sorry…” Your voice comes out in a whisper.
“You're forgiven kiddo, but ya gotta start taking your meds again.” Steve comes over and sits on the other side of you as he speaks.
“I know.”
“How bout I take my medication with ya? God knows that I haven't been taking it as much as I should be,” Tony chuckles as he tries to negotiate with you.
You didn't know if it would actually help you but you were open to the idea.
“Good, drink some more water. Now what do you want to watch? Hm? TV's all yours,” Tony stood up, giving you the TV remote as everyone decided to sit down on the couch.
You picked your comfort movie as you snuggled up with Steve and Nat. Tony had gotten you some actual food, and by the time the movie was over, you had drank all the water, ate all the food, fell asleep, and almost everyone else had fallen asleep as well. You felt safe with the people that cared about you all around you. You knew that this would be a journey, but you also knew that you weren't alone.
-~-~-~-~-~-~
Tag list: @fakegingerrights @macchiato-dreaming22 @silnebula
Once again rewatching New Girl and I cannot fucking believe they actually made Nick to be poked fun of because of his body. So this made me think about the recent representation of male bodies in media.
You cannot be serious and call this guy "fat boy", chubby, tell him he has a gut, while he has a decent amount of overall muscle and you can see his ribs.
Even though his weight fluctuates through the seasons, he's never shown to be actually "fat". Sometimes he's leaner, sometimes he's puffier, but never fat.
Nick is just a normal guy with a shit sleeping schedule who mostly eats take-out and likes to drink. He doesn't go to the gym, but spends time moving bottle-full boxes, is shown to play football with the guys, go on the occasional run, and still cares about how he looks, even if not that much. He wears baggy clothing for comfort, and looks damn good in a Henley, his jaw is quite defined and his arms don't look half bad. He's not athletic, he's a normal looking guy.
The leanest I've seen Jake Johnson is probably in The Mummy, and that's still closest to how he is in lots of New Girl than in one of the more recent things he's been in. You can't compare the two and say "Yeah he's fat". That's the biggest he's been, and he's 40 there, while on New Girl, he's put in huge flannels, made to wheeze at the slightest strain and called "chubby", but when his shirt comes off, he has a normal, healthy layer of fat on his stomach and hips. He's a 30 year old mostly sedentary man who doesn't actively work out. He looks fine.
I'll go as far as to make another comparison to one more of his characters.
In ITSV, one of Peter B's main characteristics is the fact he let himself go and put on weight. Being animated, the gut is exaggerated for comedy, pushing on how he's different from Peter Prime, older, fat, out of shape, depressed.
But in any other scene, while still sporting a bump, Peter is still in very good shape. He doesn't have abs or shredded muscles, but he's still toned and fit overall. The belly is mostly from his eating habits, drinking sodas and plain being depressed, and being almost 40 certainly doesn't help. The only activity he's doing is Spider-man work. He's strong, but tired. He's not doing that much movement anymore, but his body still retains 22 years of hard work muscle.
He has a strong, defined jaw, large shoulders, toned arms and legs, a series of specific extremely defined micro-muscles that allow him to move as swiftly and in control as he wants. He's fit. He just happens to have a pronounced stomach. He's "out of shape" for Spider-man standards.
To anyone used to a shredded, washboard abs Spider-man, Peter B looks "thicker", as May points out, which is relatively true, because he is. But again, just like Nick (even more so due to his muscle mass), he's a good looking guy who just eats messily, doesn't sleep well, and generally doesn't put that much effort in his appearance. He's not, in any way, shape or form, fat.
Now, this made me think specifically back to the early 2000s, where we had normal looking fit beefy Wolverine, Clark Kent, even Tony Stark, lanky but fit Spider-man and Amazin Spider-man, and underdog fat guys like Adam Sandler and Jack Black.
This sparked in my brain while watching Heated Rivalry. The main guys are toned and fit, they have Vs and visible abs, tho their stomachs aren't always flat. They're relaxed, rounder, shown to be soft at times, even when Shane is modelling, he has just a bit of muffin tops showing on his hips. And that's 2008-2014 peak athletic male form, but my brain almost immediately pointed it out like "Oh? Why aren't they sucking their stomach in?" Like what the actual fuck. For an ED recovering personal trainer who was a teenager on tumblr starting from 2014, that was a terrible, horrible thought to have.
As the years progressed, it got worse and worse. Dehydration, insane work outs and diets, the new "super hero standards". The more we go on, the more bodies like Nick's are made fun of and treated like a younger Schmidt. The male-gaze making it so that a normal guy, even a rather fit one, looks at himself with self-consciousness because of a healthy layer of superficial fat or the lack of bulging muscles.
The male-gaze makes women starve and wither away with the desire for petite-ness, and makes men poison and break themselves with the desire for greatness.
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Some days Clint felt small. Like a pin-sized needle hurled into the ocean.
And normally, he'd yell to compensate for the thrashing waves; make a big show till he stuck with people. And in the great pile of superheroes who found themselves washed up on New York's shore—he'd feel seen.
Like he mattered in someway.
Today wasn't one of those days. 'Today' was rarely ever one of those days, but today especially wasn't.
"Sorry," The Store Clerk dug a knuckle in his ear, jostling it a bit as he leaned on the counter. "Nobody wants Hawk Guy as much—"
"Hawkeye." Clint said.
"What?"
"It's Hawkeye—look, you gotta be advertising 'em wrong or something. I mean Hulk literally takes up half the doorway." Clint jutted his thumb to the person-sized Hulk blow-up bobbing against the doorway.
"People like Hulk. He's interesting." The Store Clerk said, simple.
Clint glared through his cheap sunglasses. He looked pretentious, even he felt that; ordering some poor Clerk who probably didn't know half the names of anything he sold to give him a 'why'.
Why was every Avenger's face all over the storefront while Clint's was in a beaten cardboard box?
"D'you even put these on any shelves?" Clint pushed.
"Look, I dropped the price down to nothing and well," He shoved the box full of Hawkeye merchandise over to Clint. "I don't got storage back there to keep all this, so am being nice giving it to you. Here, they got coasters."
He offered Clint one. "Use some."
Clint lugged the box back to his place through a puddled street, stopping for an underpriced hotdog to distract himself.
"Just mustard and relish." He said, letting his eyes wander up to an over-sized billboard behind the vendor.
'All New Avengers Merch! Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, Black Widow, Hulk and others!'
And others.
Clint ate through five hotdogs, hated each one, and tossed the box on the coffee table when he got home—planting his face in the couch.
He didn't even look at Sam.
Sam who, watching the whole thing, threw an eyebrow up. He was on the floor, a stretched vibranium wing over his lap as he soldered an exposed wire.
Was soldering.
Now, he was standing to see what had his boyfriend dramatically slamming their front door.
He fished a bobble head out from the cardboard box, the spring loose so its head hung way over its neck.
"Y'know there's loving yourself then there's...this."
"Harhar." Clint grumbled into the cushions. "Nobody wants any of it so they gave it to me. Thought I'd appreciate my face on a coaster."
He flung one of the coasters out from his back pocket over to Sam who caught it.
His face looked like it was melting on the print.
"Aw, its kinda cute," Sam teased. "In a cheap, underpaid labour sorta way."
"There's mugs if you want. Nobody else does." Clint mumbled.
Sam frowned a little, looking back down at the coaster. 'Hawkaye'. They misspelt it.
"Y'know Tony paid for like twice the shelf space." He joked, expecting a gripe or punch up but Clint just kept his face in the cushion. "Probably bought half his merch just to shoot up the price, too."
Quiet. Not even a grunt.
Sam sighed.
"Babe..." He began before spotting a receipt from 'Arjun's Dogs' jutting out from the box. He plucked it, reading over the order.
If ever a calling card for Clint's depression...
Just then Redwing came zipping in; intrigued by the new addition to the apartment.
He scanned over the box—beeping, whirring—then, diving in, wrangled around. A second later and he came out tangled in shirts, Christmas ornaments and keychains.
Sam chuckled. "Well someone likes it." He said, picking them off when an idea popped in his head.
Clint listened to Sam pick up the box and receed into their bedroom, a pang of curiosity shooting over him as he kept his head down until...
"I don't know if they got one in my size but this is the biggest I could get." Sam said.
Clint lazily turned to face him and then...just...gaped.
Sam was decked head to toe in a Hawkeye shirt, sweats, a mug, fuzzy socks and purple sunglasses.
"You think Hawkeye'll like it or is this kinda thing scary from a fan?"
Clint sat up, taking him in for a moment. Then he laughed. Loud, involuntary and into the nook of his elbow till he was wheezing.
"What?" Sam asked. "C'mon, am tryna get the guy's attention."
"You look—like an idiot." Clint gasped and Sam grinned. Walking over to the couch, he pulled Clint in for a kiss. "All the best Hawkeye merch and I got it all to myself."
"Yeah, yeah." Clint wrapped an arm around his torso, leaning into the kiss. "Just don't wear any of this stuff when am taking it off later."
Some days Clint felt small, but in the raging stream of pin-sized needles in spandex—it was nice to be looked for by Sam.
If you were at the writers desk how would you write Stellas pregnancy and it's impact on stellaride
if i’m writing an actual pregnancy i would’ve opened the premiere with the ultrasound and everything looking completely healthy with the baby. they’re both very excited but kelly can also tell stella’s a little off. and we get to see stella be vulnerable and explain that she wasn’t sure she wanted to be pregnant because of what she experienced with her aunt laverne and her postpartum depression but seeing the positive pregnancy test for the first time brought her nothing but joy.
but there’s still a part of her that’s scared that kelly will have to watch the joy and happiness from her eyes disappear like she had to with her aunt laverne. and kelly reassures her that they’ll get ahead of this in any way possible. so they book an appointment to talk to a obgyn who listens to all their concerns about ppd since stella is genetically predisposed to it. and we also see kelly doing research on his own for the entire pregnancy because he takes stella’s concerns seriously and he wants to be aware of all the signs and how to help stella in the best way. whatever makes stella’s life easier kelly will do.
throughout the pregnancy we’ll see stella’s anxiety, not just about the ppd, but about the kind of mother she will be. stella has supported kelly and reminded him about how he’s nothing like benny. i think it’s now kelly’s turn to support stella and remind her that she’ll be an amazing mom.
i think in the beginning stages of her pregnancy stella will continue to work on truck until she steps down for maternity leave. then she’ll work in the bullpen, girls on fire, and the acadmey. because like she said in s9 if she stayed home at the loft she’d be tearing her hair iut. she needs to stay busy or she’ll go insane and that’s exactly what she does for the remainder of the pregnancy
besides these serious scenes, i will take full advantage of the cute moments and comedy scenes we could do with stella being pregnant.
for the cute moments i want to see stella having intense pregnancy cravings and kelly bending over backwards trying to satisfy them even if it’s the middle of the night. i want kelly kissing her baby bump, helping her through morning sickness, calm her down when she’s emotional and starts crying out of nowhere. we’d see them paint the nursery. and by “they” i mean kelly while stella watches in a rocking chair while she has a bowl of pickles dipped in chocolate resting on her baby bump. we also see them building the crib. we see violet and kylie plan the baby shower too!
as for the comedy scenes we’ll see the firehouse walking on eggshells around stella so she doesn’t burst out crying or get mad at them. and obviously kelly threatens squad that if they are the reason for stella crying he’ll make them run drills until they puke. we’ll see capp and tony try to surpise stellaride with a crib that they built but it’s actually so terribly put together it breaks the second someone touches it. we’ll see stella wanting to make something for the firehouse so she makes one of her pregnancy cravings thinking they’ll like it but it’s actually so bad that start gagging behind stella’s back but tell her they love it so they don’t upset her. there’s so many comedy storylines i’m just blanking on more. but i’ve definitely posted more ideas i had. if i find it i’ll link it here
as for the labor, i want drama. stella giving birth in the firehouse because there’s a blizzard outside and ambo is out. so violet and lizzie have to talk kelly through delivering their baby on his own. i just love the idea of kelly being the one to deliver his and stella’s baby while they’re in his office alone.
but yeah that’s how i’d write the pregnancy. definitely have more thoughts but this is a more concise version of it
Magically de-aged Bucky! Bc I miss writing fluffy Bucky-centered stuff (like Love and Kisses)
Shenanigans ensue
First thing Bucky does is running to Steve because he knows, by instinct or whatever he has in his tiny head, that this grown man is his Stevie
He's around 4 and so fucking full of life Steve has a breakdown. And to make the matters worse, it's BUCKY standing between Steve and everyone else while he's sobbing on the ground, protecting his best guy because it's one of his base instincts
Bucky's a GOOD BOY, in every meaning of the word. He's smiley, knows how to sit and be quite, he's smart, listens to people, eats what's put in front of him. He's just a bit confused as to why Steve is so big now. Steve knows all of those things are because of his asshole of a father who made sure he was always quite and never stepped out of line, paired with the poverty they were both brought up in during and even before The Depression
Steve, Nat and Bruce are the primary caretakers, but everyone else in the tower of course contributes. Well, more like Steve is the primary caretaker, and Nat is Steve's caretaker whenever he gets overwhelmed
Bucky spends most of his time in Bruce's lab because the doctor is trying to find a way to change him back. Steve is there holding his hand because he just refuses to leave Bucky's side. But when it gets too much for him emotionally, Nat takes over. It's a good thing Bucky has a schoolyard crush on Natasha. He's on his best behavior around her. He sometimes tugs on Steve's sleeve and whispers to him "Natasha is so pretty" while giggling. Steve has a heart attack from cuteness aggression every time
Steve encouraged him to go tell Natasha the same thing and he did, with a red face. Natasha was very smug and satisfied when she thanked Bucky and kissed the top of his head. Then she asked Bucky, mostly to fuck with Steve now that his boyfriend was back to being a kid: "Well, what about Steve? Do you think he's pretty?" Bucky sputtered and blushed even harder looking between the two adults before running out of the room with tears in his eyes. He found consolation in Tony, who took the matter very seriously despite wanting to laugh his ass off
Thor is on exertion duty. He plays around with the little kid until he's ready to be put to sleep. He puts Bucky on Mjolnir and throws it, letting him fly around screaming and giggling. Steve almost has a heart attack but it's fine he's safe. Another thing Thor notices is how Bucky can carry Mjolnir around. Thor is speechless while Bucky just keeps bringing the hammer back to him after every time Thor throws it like playing fetch with a dog. He doesn't really tell anyone else. He also tells Bucky all kinds of stories from Asgard and his crusades over the years, Bucky is more than excited to listen to him, even if he thinks everything he says is fiction
Clint and Wanda are in education duty. Because they've both got experience with kids. Clint with his own kids, and Wanda with Pietro. They re-teach him basic things, since they don't know how long it'll be before they can turn him back. Also because he needs mental enrichment along with physical activity. Bucky is a bit shy with Clint, Steve tells him, through gritted teeth, that it's because Clint obscurely resembles George. Paired with the the fact that he's an adult male playing a father role is just the bitter cherry on top. Clint is devastated but does his best to be gentle with Bucky. And Bucky foes warm up to him with time
Wanda, though? She's like the older sister Bucky never had. Wanda plays with him, uses her powers to make him float around. He's also taught basic stuff, things you'd teach a toddler. "What's this called?" "What color is this?" "Do you know this animal, Bucky?" "Can you tell me how many paperclips Tony has on his desk?" The alphabet song. You know, toddler things
Though there's one thing Wanda noticed was weird that she told Steve about. She told him when they're counting to 100 together, without a hitch, Bucky always struggles on One, Nine, and Seventeen, like he just can't get the words out. Wanda didn't know why Steve went still and quite when she told him that, but she didn't press when he told her it's fine
Sam, along with Joaquin, is on chore duty. They help Bucky make his bed together, collect the little amount of toys they acquired for him no matter how much Bucky told them he doesn't need them, making him put his plate on the sink after meals, put the lid down after bathroom, wash his hands at appropriate times, change his clothes before and after bed and put the spares away. Teaching him basic responsibility. Despite doing what he's told with no problems, Sam noticed the nasty side eyes Bucky kept giving the two along sassy comments only children can make without getting in trouble, and mockingly parrot the things they say to him. Some things never change despite the memory or the age
Walker was there briefly, with the other Thunderbolts. He was so weirded out besides being amused upon seeing a child Bucky. But what he got in the short time he was there between missions was how protective Bucky was of Steve even as a child. That just made him realize even more how much it meant to him when John got the shield, and why it effected him so much. The depth of his loyalty to Steve, his protectiveness and affection towards him. He couldn't find it in himself to antagonize Bucky much about it afterwards
Speaking of Thunderbolts. Ava, Bob, Alexei and Yelena were all obsessed with a Tiny Bucky™. They didn't get much time with him because they had to leave for another mission, but Bucky loved all of them. Especially Ava, for reasons no one really understood, including Ava. But when Steve asked him about it after they left, Bucky just shrugged and said he felt kinship to her for some reason. Well, he actually said "she looks in pain, and, I don't know why, but think I understand it". But, you know, child language
Tony doesn't have any specific responsibilities since he's the provider anyway, but Bucky spends as much time as he can around him anyway. Tony is a genius for Bucky, well he already is but you get it. Tony doesn't get along great with adult Bucky. But child Bucky? That's just his own kid. He gets spoiled, he gets carried around, he gets cookies before dinner, he gets his own safety goggles that slip from his face and a mini tool set to play with while Tony is working, he's told stories about space, explanations he doesn't understand about Bucky's inventions, full access to JARVIS, and they do reading time. Tony reads aloud while Bucky just sits on his lap listening and looks at the words, usually sipping a juice box, asking Tony meaning of big words while Tony patiently teaches him
Tony is just "making up for the time", says it's for Bucky, while he's secretly happy he's spending time with a kid in a way his own dad never did with him. It's healing to him. Steve wants to cry watching the two because he knows how horrible Bucky's childhood was, especially his relationship with his dad. Tony is also mad protective against Bucky to the point Bucky has to step up to stop Tony from sassing Steve so much
Tony is still once rendered speechless when Bucky asks where are Tony's parents. He just says they're not around anymore. But he has to take a minute when Bucky puts his tiny hand on Tony's cheek and tells him he's sorry, he wishes he had more time with them because Tony is amazing and deserves it. Tony feels that ugly, bitter feeling churn in his gut as he listens to that, but seeing the little kid who just wants to spend a good time with him and everyone else, and never really had a proper childhood himself, makes it much, much harder to blame the guy. Even after Bucky's back to normal, Tony notices he's much softer towards him, and really notices how much of a victim Bucky was properly for the first time. He knew that logically it was never his fault anyway, but seeing a child Bucky just made it much easier to humanize the normally cold and detached and sassy guy he saw day to day
And Steve, oh Steve. Like growing up through Bucky's childhood once wasn't enough. He recognizes every tell, every ick, every silence, every smile, every expression, even after a century of not seeing them. He sticks by his side everywhere he can, being the only person he actually knows there. They eat together, play together, study together, run together, sometimes they even sleep together so Bucky feels safer in the unfamiliar environment. It's not like they hadn't slept together before during sleepovers at Steve's place when George was back home drunk and Winnifred wanted Bucky out of the house so he didn't have to see it
Steve is so gentle and soft with him, so unlike his own snarky, snappy childhood. And Bucky's enamored by Steve, seeing his tiny friend grow up to be such a big and handsome and strong and important man. Bucky still holds Steve's hand like he wants to protect him, still crosses his arms and scrunches up his nose when he sees Steve acting stubborn with something. Still tells him to rest, to take care. Steve can't take it, he physically can't. For the weeks Bucky spent as a kid in the tower, not understanding what happened, where he is, who these people are, and where his family is, Steve spends so many nights crying because Bucky is trusting him when he says "everything will be okay", even if he has no idea what's going on
He knows he can never make the past right. Can never change Bucky's, both their childhoods. But he's so happy to give him a few good memories of a comfortable times while it lasts before Bucky is changed back
