#which is confusing

The clicking from his processors had been quiet for the first few nanos he was awake but that reminder sent them racing again. He wasn’t Tron, he could never be Tron, no matter what the fractured old memories shifting around in his code suggested, but none of that mattered when Flynn himself spoke and Rinzler broke. If that wasn’t bad enough, CLU and Flynn were both gone now, and they had left Rinzler drowning in a torrent of old data he didn’t understand. He barely woke up and already the pieces were rattling around under his skin again, trying to push their way to the surface.

Rinzler rezzed his helmet just to hide behind something. He didn’t want to deal with them now, he couldn’t, he had functioned fine without them all this time so when the first memory bubbled to the surface he shut it down before it could play, just like he did with CLU’s debriefing from before. Annoyingly, another rose up instead. He shut it down too, but a third surged forward with force and anxiety rose in his chest as he struggled to stop it from playing. His processors were grinding badly again, he wasn’t sure how Beck hadn’t been woken up by them, and in his effort he felt something slip past his defenses -

I didn’t want to do this, but you forced my hand, Someone said, their slimy voice causing all sorts of warning messages to flood his mind. Rinzler looked down at himself to see he was bolted down on a table with great gashes across his chest. That, at least, explained the pain radiating from every inch of his code, not that he was making a single sound because of it. He only gritted his teeth, refusing to even look the program in the eye who just spoke because something about the traitor felt hard to look at and Rinzler didn’t care to give him the satisfaction no matter what he tried.

Apparently the speaker didn’t like that. He slammed Rinzler’s head down and then yanked him back up by the hair, like CLU had done a thousand times before. Rinzler would have laughed at the meager attempt at cruelty if he was permitted to, or if a circular saw hadn’t appeared at that moment and stopped the laugh in his throat, spinning dangerously close to his eye with an eerie blue light. 

I am going to show you what it’s like… To be imperfect, the program simpered. Rinzler’s code raced, he knew was was coming and braced for it, locking his jaw shut just as the saw carved deep into his face and sheared off a swath of voxels, pain exploding from the spot on his jaw and the horrible sound reverberating inside his head -

But the scene stuttered and fizzled, something wrenched at his mind and suddenly he was staring out at the Sea of Simulation in silence, a ghostly burning sensation hot on his face where the saw had just been.

This is it, man, A different, familiar voice said, and Rinzler turned with a start, his words locked up in his throat for a moment before he realized it wasn’t CLU who was speaking… It was Kevin_Flynn. 

You know, Seneca said, “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity,” The Creator continued as Rinzler stared at him, frozen in confusion. But I put preparation and opportunity in one place, the Sea of Simulation. I had no idea what would happen...

Rinzler followed his gaze, trying to breathe slowly to settle his still racing code, even though it was silent now and the pain from before only lingered, his face intact. They were at the edge of the Sea of Simulation, at least, that’s what it had to be, but… But it was different than he remembered. The surface of the waters sparkled with the light of the portal from the other side, and the data it fed into the grid felt… Alive.

How was that possible?

But this is where the ISOs came from, Kevin_Flynn explained, even though it was only the two of them and Flynn was the enemy. No one else was there, no other allies, no one important. Rinzler stared in dumbstruck confusion, but Flynn only smiled as he continued. This is what I made, and somehow, it made them.

“It’s beautiful,” Rinzler said. The words had slipped from his mouth before he could stop them, but before Flynn could respond, something jerked in his code. When he turned his face back to Flynn in alarm it wasn’t Flynn there anymore, it was CLU, grinning at him with a particular smile that made all the warning errors that had just ebbed away bombard his processors all over again, only a thousand times worse. Rinzler snapped his mouth shut, even behind the helmet. He would be punished for that, if CLU knew, and CLU always knew, CLU already had his discs! He held both of them in his hand, staring contemptuously at the image of a female program hovering in the air above them with a triangular circuit on her chest. 

I can see what Flynn saw in her, but you?! CLU snarled down at him, and Rinzler met his eyes, he had to. Ignoring CLU would only make it worse, and he was already in one of his worst kinds of moods, pacing in a fury overhead with an insatiable look in his eye that made fear twist deep in Rinzlers code, but he couldn’t show it. He could never show it. 

After everything I’ve done for you, all the time I’ve spent fixing you, you let her get to you?! My right hand man, my champion, bested by an engineer?! 

Rinzler said nothing, he knew better and he already knew he would be punished for this, but he tucked his chin at the admonishment, just enough to show it was acknowledged without making the mistake of taking his eyes off his master. It wasn’t that simple but that didn’t matter. His injuries, his low power reserves, and the number of days he’s been at this had slowed him down, impaired his judgment, but all that was just evidence of how broken Rinzler was, wasn’t it? He knew how this game was played. He had to prove he was worth fixing again before CLU would bother, and this particular rebel was making that a difficult thing for Rinzler to prove. She wouldn’t give up or just turn herself in like he wanted, she had to delay the inevitable. All he wanted to do was get this over with and take a damn sleep cycle, not that his needs ever mattered. But she was competent, anticipating his moves, staying just out of reach and wearing him down, bit by bit, until his reserves were tapped and he was close to crashing and then…

Something happened, but he didn’t know what. That part of his memory was empty and blank, but CLU’s fury now and the warning errors flashing across his display, highlighting a chunk of voxels somehow missing from his side, told him enough. He had been on a mission, and he had failed. Thats what mattered. 

No can do, buddy, CLU continued dangerously, shaking his head as he paced, then suddenly halted and became unnervingly calm. He turned to Rinzler with that grin, that terrible, predatory grin, and Rinzler forced himself to stay still on his knees instead of reel back, to freeze in place instead of fall apart, even as a voxel fell from his side and plinked against the ground, rolling towards CLU. 

CLU let out a cold single chuckle at it and brushed it away with the side of his foot. So here’s how this is going to work. No rest, no repairs, until you fix your little mistake. Get back out there, bring me their leader and derezz the rest. I need to have a little chat with her I think, you understand, right?

Rinzler nodded his head. He understood perfectly well.

Good, CLU said in a dark undertone, closing the gap between them. After that… CLU raked a finger affectionately down the side of Rinzler’s cheek, tugging at the edges of the scar and sending his processors grinding, even though Rinzler refused to wince. The horrible grin tightened on CLU’s face at the sound. I’ll decide what you deserve. I’m a nice guy, Rinzler, so tell you what, if you don’t fuck up again maybe I’ll even -

“Tr-Rinzler?” 

As suddenly as the memories overwhelmed him, Rinzler was yanked back from them to the present, skin tingling where the old injuries had been and processors grinding as loudly as they had in the vision. 

“I guess that sound means you’re awake,” Beck yawned, finally pulling his hand back from Rinzler’s grip as he stretched his arms overhead.

Rinzler swallowed hard, scrambling internally for what was left of that paused memory and shutting it down. He knew what happened next. Unlike the old strange shards this had started with, that memory was perfectly clear, most of the ones from his thousand cycles with CLU were, but he still didn’t want to see it or feel it or relive it ever again…

“Hey, you okay?” Beck asked naively.

Rinzler looked away.

“Still tired?” Beck said softly, and Rinzler just nodded, burying the unfinished file deep in his code. It was as good an excuse as any. Beck yawned again, but rolled lazily up onto his feet and offered Rinzler his hand. “Me too,” He muttered. “Hell of a night.”

That was an understatement, but rather than voice it, Rinzler just took the programs hand and let himself be hoisted to his feet.

“Come on. I’ve got some energy drinks stored in the next room, you look like you could use some,” Beck continued. “I know I can.”

Rinzler only responded with a low grunt that almost matched his processors, which has settled back into their usual clicking since the barrage of unwanted memories subsided. He let himself be led away from the healing chamber room, through a doorway and into another part of the hideout, where the ceiling was higher and the light overhead brighter than the one he woke up in.

“Red kind or blue kind?” Beck asked, stopping in front of a clear pane in the wall, full of vials. 

“No,” Rinzler griped after a couple silent moments.

“Well, I don’t have gold,” Beck shrugged, grabbing one of the blue ones and holding it out to him, as if he did this every damn day. Like bringing enemy programs to some secret hideaway, letting his guard down and offering them resources like energy that they obviously hadn’t earned was just part of a normal millicycle for the Renegade. “That stuff is nasty anyways,” Beck continued. “You used to like this flavor… If you remember that.”

Rinzler stared down at the little glowing vial in his hand without taking it, perplexed, then shook his head.

“What, why not?” Beck blurted out, his eyebrows shooting sky high like this was some sort of shock. “Your circuits are still dimmed, you need something.”

“I…” He started, but how would he even explain it? That he didn’t deserve it, that he had failed? He’d failed CLU, he’d failed Flynn, it didn’t even matter which master won in the end because they were both dead, weren’t they? Rinzler had failed! The conflict and confusion he felt over the new or… Or old jagged shards of broken data pieces didn’t matter if he didn’t have anyone to go back to anyways, no master, no orders, no purpose, he was -

“Hey, why don’t you sit back down for a minute,” Beck interrupted again, and Rinzler realized he’d gone stiff again while his processors ground furiously. “That doesn’t sound good.”

“It’s fine,” Rinzler rasped.

“I don’t think so. Does it hurt?”

What the hell kind of a question was that? What didn’t hurt? He was supposed to hurt! Especially now, after he failed, he deserved to never have them repaired, that was the whole point-

“I want to help you, but I can’t if I don’t know what -“

“You can’t!” Rinzler snarled in pain, lunging at Beck and batting the energy out of his hand, but he didn’t even draw his discs, because… Because why? Because Beck thought they were friends? Was he really that desperate? Fuck, CLU would…

And just like that, CLU’s predatory grin flickered into his mind. It only lasted a nano, but that nano was enough and he felt himself glitch, felt that familiar fury and fear take hold. A dull ache shot up his knees as they hit the floor, his head bowed automatically and his jaw clamped shut, holding in a scream behind his teeth-

“Can you tell me what’s going on? I promise I’m not gonna hurt you-“

You really like testing me man, and I gotta say, it’s getting pretty old, CLU’s voice scraped at his code.

“Talk to me, say something,” Beck said in alarm from somewhere far away, but CLU sang right over it with horrible glee.

Ah ah ah! Your loyalty is mine, but apparently you need some help remembering that, buddy, so hold still-

“Rinzler! Come on, snap out of it!”

Then several things happened at once. CLU reached to yank his discs off his back just as his visage flickered and faded, the scream Rinzler tried to keep strangled erupted from his throat, and he whipped his discs away from CLU’s ghostly fingers in panic, activating them. His skin burned, his code raced, error messages blinded his vision and CLU’s laughter rang in his ears as he swung them through the air in a rage to make everything go away! He would cut it all to voxels if he could, all the old memories, the useless directives, the forbidden stores of energy and the rebels that made his job so much more difficult than it had to be and the humiliating orders CLU gave and everything that hurt! It was better like this, he was better, a weapon, unfeeling, nothing more, just like CLU wanted…

Then his disc collided with another, a rebel, but that didn’t matter, he’d left plenty of them a pile of voxels before when they were stupid enough to stand in his way and he’d do it again! There was nothing but CLU’s ever increasing laughter in his ears reminding him exactly what he was meant for as he twisted easily in the air, ducked a blow from the unlit disc and brought his own up against the programs shoulder, eliciting a yelp, then sank a second deep into their thigh. I obey CLU, the directive whispered. I fight for C-

THE USERS-

Rinzler froze rigid and earned himself a kick to the chest, which didn’t hurt but sent him stumbling back. It was hardly a setback, he pulled his disc back to strike again-

“Please!” Beck begged, standing on shaking legs in the middle of the wrecked room. “This isn’t you! I know it’s not, I don’t want to fight you!”

Rinzler held his shot, the conflict in his code screaming.

“It’s not you,” Beck - BECK! panted, lowering his disc and taking a limping step forward on a leg with a huge gash in it, making Rinzler nearly glitch all over again. “It’s okay, I… I’m sorry I pushed…”

No no no, not Beck, not his… his friend, shit he shouldn’t even have a friend, he only needed CLU didn’t he?! He only loved CLU?! But when more loose voxels shook loose from Beck’s damaged leg Rinzler rushed forward and caught him under the arm before he could think about that, unwilling to let him fall. 

“Thanks,” Beck said, slinging the arm around Rinzler’s shoulder and sucking in a shaky breath. “I… Knew there was a reason I avoided fighting you.”

Rinzler ran a quick scan over Beck as he held him up, but the result didn’t make him feel any better. There was more damage than just the leg. Beck was sliced up badly. He’d been a good enough combatant to just barely avoid instantly lethal damage, but he wasn’t stable, he still held his disc uselessly at his side…

“You didn’t activate your disc,” Rinzler said accusingly.

“Nope.”

“Why?” He asked, wincing a little at how strained the word came out.

“I said I wouldn’t hurt you,” Beck replied, as if that somehow explained everything.

“This is different,” Rinzler snapped. “I could have-“

“I’m okay,” Beck wheezed. 

“Liar.”

“Just need to see Paige, she… She can fix me,” Beck told him patiently, doing his best to stay upright. “Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.”

Rinzler wasn’t about to believe his friend about that in the first place, but the nano Beck tried to take another step, his leg crumbled below the knee and he inhaled with a sharp hiss.

“That… Isn’t good,” Beck pointed out stupidly.

The pang in Rinzler’s chest tightened. That was the understatement of a thousand cycles, Beck was really hurt, not even the healing chamber could rezz up an entire limb! Maybe Rinzler shouldn't care, just a day ago he would have been happy to see the Renegade derezzed himself but that… that couldn’t happen now, he couldn’t let it! He thought as quickly as his damaged processors would let him, trying to think of anything that might stabilize him, that might help.

“Where’s Paige?” Rinzler finally growled in irritation.

Beck looked up at him, surprise twisted on his face along with the obvious pain he was in, but after a few nanos hesitation, he dropped him a ping. Rinzler took a quick moment to pull it up on the map and rolled his eyes when he saw its location. They’d suspected the clinic was a hub of rebel activity for some time, but never got any concrete proof. Typical.

“Don’t die,” Rinzler scoffed, hoisting Beck’s arm up so it sat more snugly along his shoulders and wrapping his own arm around Beck’s waist, making the damn Renegade chuckle.

“I’ll do my best,” He said a little too cheerily for the circumstances, in Rinzler’s opinion, not that his thoughts really mattered. “But if this doesn’t work… It’s not your fault. Okay?”

Rinzlers processors stuttered on that statement. Not his fault. That couldn’t be right, everything was his fault, he literally attacked Beck just now, didn’t he? His discs cut into Beck’s code, riddling his body with pixelated gashes and slicing off his leg, how could this possibly not be his fault?! But instead of argue with Beck about that he focused on the first part of the statement.

“It will work,” Rinzler said stubbornly, dragging his idiot friend back the way they came.

They made it down to the garage without Beck losing any more voxels and managed to stuff what was left of him into a light runner of Becks that Rinzler rezzed up, one of the annoying modified vehicles that somehow functioned in the outlands, another thing that made the rebels and the Renegade notoriously difficult to snuff out. They peeled out of the hangar with Rinzler at the controls, whipping through the outlands, but halfway back to civilization Beck’s head drooped dangerously.

“Stay with me,” Rinzler barked automatically, and Beck jerked up with a start.

“‘Ts alright… Just tired. Gonna close my-“

“No,” Rinzler snapped, pushing the runner for more speed. “Stay awake.”

“But-“

“Keep talking.”

“Mmmmkay,” Beck muttered groggily. “If you a-say…” But he droned off. When Rinzler looked over in alarm the programs eyes were open and still bright, but full of confusion. 

“C-C-Can’t-“ His words malfunctioned, and Rinzler gritted his teeth, biting back the dread rising in his chest, the things still lurking below the surface that could compromise him all over again when Beck needed him! But Beck kept fighting with himself, trying to form some sort of words even as the gash from his shoulder splintered up his throat, and his eyelids fluttered.

Useless, CLU’s voice whispered cruelly in his head, but there was another voice, too. It was so similar to CLU’s, but with a naive warmth that CLU never had.

Nothing you can’t protect us from, it said. You keep the grid safe…

Flynn. He would never listen to what Flynn said that he was, not unless he was forced to like he had been in the skies above the sea, but he did need to protect someone, didn’t he? He had to keep Beck safe even if he didn’t quite understand why, and before Rinzler realized exactly what happened, that sliver clicked into place. He felt it snap along the edges of an empty part of his inner workings, making the gaping swath of missing code there just a little bit smaller, a little less incomplete, and the realization raced through him with a jolt.

“I -“ He started like he had before, taking a steadying breath this time, but Beck had to stay awake and Rinzler didn’t know what else to do or to say to make sure that he did. “I have old data. Like the file of… You,” He told the other program with great effort. “But it’s broken.”

“Mmm!” Beck grunted enthusiastically, screwing up his face for a second and managing to eek out a single word. “What?”

Rinzler almost smirked at the way he said it, the way he gestured with a hand like he wanted him to go on in spite of the cracks in his code, but the contents of those fragments… Well, some were fragments and some were just memories of CLU inserting themselves where they didn’t belong, but no one should ever know about those. 

“Flynn rambling by the sea,” He said bitterly. “And…”

He reached up to towards the scar spanning from his jaw up his eye, almost into his hairline, as if to touch it if it weren’t for his helmet in the way. It was difficult to explain the first one from when he woke up this millicycle. He hadn’t gotten a look at the programs face, but he knew it wasn’t CLU. CLU might have recreated those scars on him as a punishment or for fun or both, but someone else put the originals there, someone who wanted to show him what it was like to be imperfect.

It had been a stupid venture, honestly. Rinzler was never perfect, no matter how much CLU tried to make him that way. 

Beck, though, seemed to catch his intention. “Sca-a-car?” He stammered out, and Rinzler tucked in his head.

“Before CLU,” he mumbled. “There was someone else.”

Beck nodded repeatedly, but the annoying cheerfulness vanished from his face as he did. Rinzler looked at him quizzically.

“You know who it was?” He guessed, and Beck nodded even faster, even with his voice apparently locked up in his throat again. A second later he winced in pain, and Rinzler tried hard not to think about what would happen if those cracks spread any father.

“Almost there,” He grunted, flying into the mess that was Argon City. The blast from the battle had destroyed much of it but he zipped around the debris at a speed that would get a normal program detained. A steely look fell over Beck's face as they got closer. Rinzler hardly dared to say anything else, glancing over at his friend every couple of nanos to make sure he was still awake, until finally they swung down an unassuming alleyway Rinzler had definitely investigated before and came to a stop outside a set of unremarkable doors. There still wasn’t time to waste. He derezzed the light runner and caught Beck under the arm again in one motion, hefting him towards the doorway with his processors grinding in distress over the Renegade, of all programs. They only made it a couple of steps before the doors burst open and a trio of programs with green circuits hurried out.

“Gridbugs, his whole leg-“

“I’m rezzing us a stretcher.“

“You’re such an idiot,” One of the two female programs said worriedly, pushing past the others and cupping Beck’s cheek gently in her hand. Rinzler scanned them all quickly for their tags and found that was the one called Paige.

Beck grinned guiltily up at Paige and tried to speak again, but she cut him off.

“Don’t talk, for users sake, you’ll make it worse! We’re taking him to bay eleven. I’ll tend to him personally,” She addressed them all seriously. The other two agreed, pulling up the stretcher, and one tried to pry Beck from his grip but Rinzler snarled at them.

“I’ll do it,” He bit out before they could touch him. They might be medics but he couldn’t tell how competent they were at their jobs by a simple scan and he was not risking one of them damaging Beck any worse! Beck had said Paige would fix him, so Paige could, but the others were out, at least until Rinzler was sure they could be trusted. 

One of them gasped but Rinzler ignored it, focusing on getting Beck lowered safely onto the stretcher so he didn’t jostle his injuries. Beck gave him a grateful pat on the arm as he let himself lay flat.

“Isn’t that…” The other program whispered.

“It is,” Paige said sourly. 

Rinzler stiffened, but Beck’s eyes went wide and he pushed himself back up, shaking his head and grabbing hold of Rinzler’s hand for them to see.

“Lay down,” Rinzler snapped at him.

“Beck thinks they’re friends,” Paige translated in a voice thick with sarcasm, but Beck nodded enthusiastically before flopping back down on the stretcher.

“Friends?!” One squeaked.

The other shook her head, staring at Rinzler with a look that seriously put her at risk of losing a limb herself. “His circuits…” 

But the growl building in Rinzler’s throat was cut off as Paige pushed the stretcher firmly forward and Beck tugged Rinzler’s hand along with it. He didn't bother giving the gawking programs another glance as they marched briskly past several small bays draped in sleek white curtains, quickly turning into the one Paige had mentioned before, Bay 11. She rezzed a curtain of their own with a flick of her fingers on a data pad and turned to Beck with white hot glare.

“I should really wait to fix your voice last so I can have the chance to tell you just how stupid this latest stunt of yours was!” She scolded him, snatching his disc when he offered it and pulling up the readout with narrowed eyes. Several places in his code were lit up in red. Even on his own, Rinzler could tell how much of a mess that was. “But you already know that, don’t you? And you’ll tell me you know the risks, it’s worth it, remind me where I came from,” She went on as Beck’s face crumpled, looking up at her with big doe eyes she seemed intent on not meeting as she fiddled with his code. “Yeah, I’m right aren’t I? See? I know you, you don’t even need to talk!”

She pulled Beck upright and pressed his disc into his back again, and suddenly the edges of his crumbling leg smoothed out and the splintering cracks up his throat knit back together. Beck slumped forward and let out a breath of relief.

“But I’m not that mean,” Paige sighed, dropping her head into a hand and closing her eyes. “You’re stable. It’ll take much more time to spin up an entire leg.”

“Paige, I-“

“We’ll talk later,” She told him. “Alone.”

Beck ducked his head and swallowed hard, nodding once, but looked back up cautiously after a moment. 

“What?” Paige huffed.

“Just…” Beck started, squirming a little under Paige’s intense gaze, but he looked from Rinzler to Paige and that same stubborn look from earlier settled on his face. “He saved me, Paige.”

“After you saved him.”

“So we saved each other-“

“No I just saved you. Idiot,” Paige said crossly from the corner of his bed. “You had another half-milli if you didn't move and make it worse at best.”

A shiver went through Rinzler’s code hearing that. He still didn’t understand why it should matter, why he should care, he’d even known Beck was in bad shape before the medic confirmed it but the idea still felt…. bad. Very bad. Rinzler nodded in grim agreement with Paige. “I hurt you,” he croaked out, staring hard at the floor.

“See?!” Paige cried. “Even he knows it!”

“And then he got me here. To you, to fix me,” Beck said pleadingly. “It was an accident, I promise. Things are different. And you’re right, this is worth it, just… Give me a chance to show you, okay?”

Paige crossed her arms over herself and went quiet, lips pursed as she glanced between the two of them, so for a few nanos the only sound was Rinzler’s clicking that blended in with the other pieces of equipment in the clinic making beeps and clicks and whirring sounds of their own. 

“I believe you but… Things… Aren’t going to go back to normal, Beck. And you getting hurt isn’t going to change that,” She said heavily, as if every word was a deliberate choice. “I have other patients, I’ll get back to your leg later on. Just… Consider yourselves even, now. Please.” 

The implications of that made something unpleasant prickle at Rinzler’s code, but Paige leaned down and planted a little kiss on Beck’s forehead that made a smile spread across his face in spite of it all. Beck closed his eyes and leaned into it for a nano before she pulled away, shooting Rinzler a last warning look before parting the curtain and leaving the pair of them alone.

Before Rinzler could analyze that interaction too deeply, Beck gave his hand a reassuring squeeze, even as the smile fell off his face.

“Even,” He chuckled to himself under his breath, so quiet Rinzler could barely hear it. “Not even close.”

🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡

This took me FOREVER and I rewrote it so many times but it kept giving me unexpected twists and turned out so different than my outline so, enjoy the seven layer angst dip, there’s soooo many levels of it! And again this fandom is the sweetest place, you make it so easy to want to keep writing, even if it can be slow going! Thanks for the love! 🩵🧡🥰

Chapter 1: Sure, just shatter the box of repressed memories. What could go wrong?