#whatnothin

better than new actually.

its funny because when we first started dating we knew very little about each other if i really think about it and still i like him SO much.

as time went by i'm glad it only grew and we just got used to each other. sitting on the couch or in the car talking or singing or walking i just feel so at peace with you. that's a funny way to describe it but its just so nice to have you around right now. 

I love my boyfriend and I love our relationship. It's really something out of this world. We've grown together, mainly he has watched me grow and he has been there the whole time right by my side through my craziness and my bad times and he still likes me even when all I can do is cry and I can hardly choke out words and when I mess things up he forgives me and when I'm angry he is patient and I try my best to do the same to him and he always appreciates it and even when I think I don't want our relationship I am always proved wrong. 

God has put me in a very wonderful relationship and through Him it just keeps getting better. How can I not love a boy that from the start only wanted to share his faith with me? The best part is we both try very hard to acknowledge that we must be God-centered even when it's hard and easier to not be. I pray every day that I can make it through without being jealously and insecurity of him being away from me and without being selfish and without being negative about our relationship because that isn't want love is, love is support and love is accepting and encouraging and patience and compassion and understanding! I pray that I can love Matt through Him and that my heart can be filled with love! 

This is just a mess of a text post I know, I'm just trying to tell you I love God and I love Matt and when I combine those two things in my life, things just make sense. When I put our relationship in His hands, things are so wonderful, and when I can honor God through our relationship life makes even more sense. We aren't perfect people but we are one real match. 

Even if it's only been 10 months, I really, really love this kid. And I want to thank God for it, everyday, even when it seems like we are just perfect and together by chance and we say things like "who knows what's gonna happen" I wanna acknowledge that it is all in His timing and it is all, no matter what, going to work out for the better so I have absolutely no worries. 

when i think of school i only think of you not being there, when i think of my birthday i only think of you not being there and summer ending and me being sad and you being busy with new people and new sorrundings all making you wonder why you bother with a high school girlfriend when there is a whole world out there. I only imagine me being alone and you moving on.

how selfish of me. 

i don't want to be sad for myself i want to be happy for you. i don't want to cry when i think of you leaving, i want to be hopeful that whatever happens is meant to happen, that there is absolutely nothing i can do to change this. that everything about this situation is soo much bigger than me and you and us.

that if we are meant to be together we will be and that if we are meant to find each other again we will. if we can't do it, it's not the end. things change so fast at this age. 

I love you and i want you leaving to not break me down but maybe strengthen me. make me less dependent and vulnerable, i just know im about to hurt and maybe that will show true faith and true STRENGTH and TRUST. 

But most of all, I want our relationship to be pleasant for both of us. I forget sometimes that you will miss me and everyone as well, i'm so focused on my own feelings I forget. I refuse to become winey-er than I already am and I refuse to make this miserable for you. I don't want to ruin your time at college. 

But man, I hate to say it but you are taking a little part of my heart with you to Boise and it's gonna take some getting used to.

My love shouldn't be this selfish though.