#whatispain

Broken in half. Ripped into pieces. I’m not even sure how it’s still beating. I have to move to catch up with the pace. Racing.

We were never even really together. Still though. I had a chance. One shot. I don’t know. Is there another? I don’t know.

It flutters.

It jumped into my throat yesterday. I didn’t ask. I just sat there and choked on it and hoped for anything else.

Fuck.

I can’t even react how I thought I would. How I want to. Like how I can’t force her to feel a certain way neither can I make myself feel another. Am I that damaged inside?

Patched together from torn shreds. It feels like it could pump right out of my chest. Please just explode now.

I don’t even know what pain is anymore. I want to cry but I just laugh. She smiles and so do I. Why can’t I just be mad at her? Why can’t I just leave. I cherish everything we shared together but I almost wish it would fade away forever. How can anyone else even compare? Will I constantly size everyone up by the standard she is? I feel like I was just an option and I still choose to chase her. If I could forget her I wouldn’t be so messed up.

She’s an enigma.

She’s like sand on a beach. For a moment she was in my hands and then she slipped away.

It feels like waves beating down now. Crashing.

Can’t I just move on? This would seem like crushing blow but I never want to give up. How can she choose someone so far away?

I’m right fucking here.

I want to run away. I want to run to her. I want to never see her. I want to hold her tight.

Am I blinded by love? Maybe I’m just delusional. It was hard getting over her the first time. We were never together then. Not even close.This time. What? Maybe a week. So I finally kissed her and it all changes? Of course it would.

Set my heart on fire. Leave it smoldering. I just want to stomp out the flame. I can’t. Does that make me weak or does that make me strong? A phoenix rises from the ashes doesn’t it?

I thought I would be mad. I thought I would be sad. I’m confused. So confused. Everything is muddled inside.

I tried to be everything she wanted. She might be right for me but I might not be right for her. I would climb the highest mountain and go to the deepest depths of the sea for her. Still, if I’m not the one than I’m not the one.

Do I move on? I said I would wait. I did. I said I would wait more. Should I?

Am I only hurting myself at this point? I can’t blame her because I’m stubborn. She didn’t want to hurt me, but I’m already broken. We could heal each other I thought. Maybe. Maybe not. Always maybe. Never yes or no. Just please tell me no. Never.

I would trade everything to be with her. She says she doesn’t gamble. All my chips are still on the table.

I fucking hate this. I hate that of all the feelings I have these are the ones I can’t just let go of.

Why? She drives me. My drive drives me. It pushes me. I get pushed away.

There’s that flutter again.

Am I addicted to rejection? I’m addicted to her.

Fuck.

Maybe I don’t even know what I want.

No.

I know exactly what I want.

This really sucks.

Really, really, really sucks.

God damn it.

Game over. But I put another quarter in the machine. Can I really win? Probability says no but my heart says yes. What does it know. It’s a fucking wreck. I am at odds. I play the odds. All cards on the table. She still beats me.

What happens if it works out for her? What happens if he moves here? Would that be too much. It already feels like too much. What happens if it doesn’t work out for her? By that point does she even deserve me?

I can’t even think about smoking or drinking. I don’t even want to. There is no remedy for this.

Time heals.

Time heals nothing.

He’s a thousand miles away. She feels a thousand miles away.

I don’t want to hurt myself but it feels like that’s exactly what I’m doing. Or does it?

I want to hurt myself. Will I bleed? Will I feel alive? I feel numb. Am I numb from pain? Is this what ultimate heartbreak feels like? If I really love her I should let her go, right?

I don’t know if I can handle this.

Should I leave? Distance. Time and Distance. They cure don’t they. I’m right fucking here right fucking now though.