What is love?

I don’t even know where to begin. There must be half a dozen half finished letters I’ve tried to express myself in at various stages of pain, anger, happiness, joy, resentment, sorrow, regret, and so on etc…

You are literally the hardest thing I’ve ever had to “quit”. You are like an addiction to me. Quitting smoking was easier that telling you I needed to back off like this. Most of this is my fault and I know there is no apology that can fix this right now. I let myself fall so deeply into what I thought was “in love” with you that all I’ve felt is this tearing feeling inside that if I didn’t say something, I felt like my heart might literally explode out of my chest. You can read what I’ve written before this as proof. If you thought you made it clear that you did not want any relationship with me, you didn’t. I was either naïve, stupid, or just plain was not listening.

This last few months has felt like a struggle. I tried everything to have a chance with you. Even when you told me you had met someone back in February, that didn’t mean anything to me. Why else would you have given me the small, tiny chance that you did? That was a glimmer of hope to me that I could not just let go. You literally told me I had a chance. That’s what I’ve been fighting for this whole time. I told you I would try to just be your friend, and I honestly, genuinely tried my hardest, but I guess that wasn’t good enough because I kept on trying to wedge my way into something with you.

I have tried to be nothing but honest and transparent with you. I told you everything. Literally EVERYTHING. Even when you didn’t tell me everything, I could still read you like a book. Except I couldn’t. I only thought I could. I was blinded my own idiocrasy. If I had seen this then, I would have honestly laid the fuck off like I should have without making your life and mine, including tonight, any harder.

I though telling you exactly how I feel would be good enough for you to realize EXACTLY HOW I FEEL. I can’t even count how many times I literally told you that you are the girl of my dreams and that I would do anything to be with you. I’m sorry if you don’t understand that giving me even as much hope as you did was enough for me to continue pursuing something with you. I honestly thought that everything I was doing was hopefully maybe cute, or romantic, or something enough to coax you back.

I have literally never felt strongly enough about anyone to actually start a blog to put my feelings out there like this. Very little of this will even be anything you don’t already know. What I’ve published is anonymous and raw to the bone. Every single thought here has been poured out like ink that’s been knocked over and spilled all over a stack of papers. There is nothing held back here. Some of it may seem harsh, but I’ve typed this all out, each post, as fast as I can think! If anyone could see my guts spilled out like this, its been you and it still is now. (I highly doubt anyone else has ever read any of this.)

Timing has been anything but perfect between us. It’s never been the right time between you in me in regards to many things. That’s part of the reason I had to come to see you tonight. I couldn’t let this go on for the both of us. I didn’t want to keep hurting either of us and this was the only solution I could think of. There is always going to be the bad guy in these super shitty scenarios and this time it was me.

Here is what I do know. I do love you. 1000%. And I honestly don’t mean that in a way that is anything more than just friends. You are my best friend. I want to be your best friend for as long as I live. I’ve never met anyone I can trust as much as you regardless of this whole mess. You and I have shared some of the deepest and most meaningful conversations I’ve ever had. I cherish every good memory we’ve ever shared together. I also know if you or I want to preserve that, you need to know that the part of me clinging onto the part of you that wants me to let go needs to literally let me go.

I’m so sorry for tonight. It means nothing to you now, but I really mean it. I had to make the move to show you that I surrender. I want to let you be with whomever you choose and not burden the both of us any longer.

Seeing you cry made me want to ride my bike into a wall. The fact that I made it home without a ticket tonight is almost astonishing. I should have been pulled over for how reckless I was for the 5 minutes it took me to get home, which is lucky enough that I even made the choice to go there right away and avoid doing anything more stupid. I thought I would have cried more when I got home, but I haven’t. I feel like maybe I’m a sociopath or something. Why won’t my feelings manifest themselves into anything except destructive behaviour is beyond me. I think I’m just that broken already that I don’t know how to deal with this.

Look, I know I’m just dragging this out now. I want you to be happy. Fuck, I want to be happy. But I know myself really well, even if it means that I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing sometimes. I know that if I don’t just back the fuck off and give you and myself enough time to process all of this, then I’m likely just going to make it worse. I don’t want that and I know neither do you. I know that if I keep this up though, I will ultimately destroy this friendship and I don’t want that and I know you don’t either.

Giving up on you feels like I’m giving up on myself. I don’t give up. I know what I want and I go after it. You’re not a thing though. You are a person. Alive and with a whole gamut of feelings like me. If you don’t want to be with me, then I need to actually respect that, and up until now, I really have been doing a shitty job of that.

Please understand that I am by no means cutting you out of my life. I am simply taking a break from you. I just know that if I don’t separate this part of me from you, then I will fuck it up. That’s the last thing I’ve ever wanted. I need to process what I’ve felt for so long and what I know now and make them make sense in a way that I can continue to support you without trying to engage in something that isn’t even possible between us. This has been an equally shitty rollercoaster for the both of us that neither of deserve and I’m sure is a trial to our sanity. It would be unfair to the both of us for me to continue to be the misguided bastard I have been.

Most of this is my fault and in no way am I blaming you for anything. I realize the full extent of the bullshit I’ve put you through and although I wish you had been more clear with me sooner, I do not in any way resent you or blame you. We are both human and to be human is to err.

I’m trying to wrap this up but my head is flooded right now. I hope as you read this you remember the part of me that isn’t a complete jerk. I hope you remember the part of me that has tried to be a support to you in your life journey. I hope you remember all the amazing adventures we’ve shared together. I wouldn’t trade that for all the money in the world. The experiences we’ve shared have taught me so, so, so much. The good. The bad. I couldn’t have been luckier to have had a better person to share any of that with. You are a rock in my life that I can trust. That’s what makes all of this so hard.

Closure is a bitch. It’s something that many people don’t even get. But we were never more than friends, so that’s what makes this so fucked up. I need closure though because I let myself fall head over heals for you. I so completely lost sight that I didn’t see any of the signs, or just outright ignored them.

I don’t know how long I need to get over you. You already have someone in your life you can fully confide in. I just lost that person, and it’s you. This is the most you will get from me until we can hopefully pick up again in a better place in the future. I don’t know if I need a couple weeks or a couple months. I’ve never experienced anything quite like this. I really hope that we can laugh about this sooner than later.

I care about you so much. If I’ve hurt you to the point you never want to talk to me again, I completely understand. I’m sure this must feel like absolute betrayal to you. My intentions are anything but that. I really do hope you can understand and want to remain friends. I would love nothing more that to create new memories from new amazing experiences with you… I just want to create them on a level that is copasetic and amicable. You and I both deserve that.

I want to say thank you for putting up with me for as long as you have. You of all people in my life deserve to have a happy and successful life apart from all this. I want to say I am sorry for the grief I have likely caused you. I want to tell you that I’m done. I will not peruse you romantically unless you decide to first. That’s your prerogative not mine. I would rather finally share the same page with you now, rather than staying in the same chapter and always trying to play catch up with one another.

I really hope you can understand where I’m coming from and how I’ve been so utterly lost for this entire time. I’m gonna just keep my head down and keep working on myself and bettering my life. If and when the time is right, I will finally be with who I am supposed to be with. Until then, I need to realize it’s not you.

So… that’s it. I’m done. I want you to live your life. I want to live mine. Let’s please still be friends, just let me put a pause on it all to keep it that way. If there is any way you can just even give me a nod or anything to let me know you agree, I would so deeply appreciate that. If not, I will never bother you again.

Here’s to hoping for the best!

Love always,

You naïve bastard. How could you? You did this to yourself. All of the signs were there and you fucking ignored them like an idiot. Like right there! He commented on all of her Facebook posts for like the last month or so and you couldn’t see it. You had that thought in the back of your head but you just pushed it deep down like the rest of your feelings you don’t talk about to anyone.

This is really gonna fuck you now. Who are you gonna trust now? You told her everything. You thought you could trust her? Not now. Keep telling yourself that. She could have told you. This just made it worse and you still keep making excuses for her.

I guess this is what “love” feels like, you fucking moron.

All the hints weren’t good enough? The silence. The body language. How curt and short her replies to your texts were. Even just how long it would take her to reply. She would completely ignore you when you tried to come see her. Her goddamned phone was more important and you could guess why but you just ignored it. Fuuuuuck. The signs were soooooo obvious.

It all makes sense though. Leave your girl to be happy and work hard and prove she can do the same? Backfires. Stays with her shitty boyfriend until it gets so bad she has to leave the province. You try to get over that shit and she meets someone and then tells you all about it. You try to be supportive and it gets you nowhere. Then she comes to visit that summer. Does she stay? No. But you tell your dumbass that maybe now isn’t the time. So she goes back home and hooks back up with that douche she told you about while you just sit and wallow in your own self sorrow and depression. Then what. Blows up in her face and she meets someone else somehow. Nice. Well, you though you had it when she finally came back. Nope. She falls for you and then nothing. It comes to a screeching halt. Now she is back with number 2. You still hold on. She didn’t even count. You didn’t even get THAT far. Why would you. She can play the field, you can’t. But nooooo. You don’t wanna do that. You just want her. That seems nice.

Nice. Fucking nice. That’s what nice gets you.

Wake the fuck up! She isn’t the one. Stop fantasizing. Stop putting her on such a pedestal. If she really loved you, this wouldn’t even be a thing right now. You would be beside her right now. But you’re not. You’re sitting on your couch. Alone. Again. Like you probably deserve.

Three fucking years. It’s been three fucking years and this is what you get. It doesn’t matter what she said then. This is now. WAKE. THE. FUCK. UP. Man, you are so daft sometimes. Stubborn as mule. Just fucked. What is actually wrong with you? You played the fool and bought into her siren song. Crashed your dumbass ship right into her and broke yourself up into a million pieces of self loathe, doubt and pain.

Reality can be so cruel, but you did this to yourself. She could have told you sooner, but you could have seen it sooner too. From miles away you could have seen it. Are you fucking blind?! Apparently! Jeez. This is too much. How could you let this happen?

Broken in half. Ripped into pieces. I’m not even sure how it’s still beating. I have to move to catch up with the pace. Racing.

We were never even really together. Still though. I had a chance. One shot. I don’t know. Is there another? I don’t know.

It flutters.

It jumped into my throat yesterday. I didn’t ask. I just sat there and choked on it and hoped for anything else.

Fuck.

I can’t even react how I thought I would. How I want to. Like how I can’t force her to feel a certain way neither can I make myself feel another. Am I that damaged inside?

Patched together from torn shreds. It feels like it could pump right out of my chest. Please just explode now.

I don’t even know what pain is anymore. I want to cry but I just laugh. She smiles and so do I. Why can’t I just be mad at her? Why can’t I just leave. I cherish everything we shared together but I almost wish it would fade away forever. How can anyone else even compare? Will I constantly size everyone up by the standard she is? I feel like I was just an option and I still choose to chase her. If I could forget her I wouldn’t be so messed up.

She’s an enigma.

She’s like sand on a beach. For a moment she was in my hands and then she slipped away.

It feels like waves beating down now. Crashing.

Can’t I just move on? This would seem like crushing blow but I never want to give up. How can she choose someone so far away?

I’m right fucking here.

I want to run away. I want to run to her. I want to never see her. I want to hold her tight.

Am I blinded by love? Maybe I’m just delusional. It was hard getting over her the first time. We were never together then. Not even close.This time. What? Maybe a week. So I finally kissed her and it all changes? Of course it would.

Set my heart on fire. Leave it smoldering. I just want to stomp out the flame. I can’t. Does that make me weak or does that make me strong? A phoenix rises from the ashes doesn’t it?

I thought I would be mad. I thought I would be sad. I’m confused. So confused. Everything is muddled inside.

I tried to be everything she wanted. She might be right for me but I might not be right for her. I would climb the highest mountain and go to the deepest depths of the sea for her. Still, if I’m not the one than I’m not the one.

Do I move on? I said I would wait. I did. I said I would wait more. Should I?

Am I only hurting myself at this point? I can’t blame her because I’m stubborn. She didn’t want to hurt me, but I’m already broken. We could heal each other I thought. Maybe. Maybe not. Always maybe. Never yes or no. Just please tell me no. Never.

I would trade everything to be with her. She says she doesn’t gamble. All my chips are still on the table.

I fucking hate this. I hate that of all the feelings I have these are the ones I can’t just let go of.

Why? She drives me. My drive drives me. It pushes me. I get pushed away.

There’s that flutter again.

Am I addicted to rejection? I’m addicted to her.

Fuck.

Maybe I don’t even know what I want.

No.

I know exactly what I want.

This really sucks.

Really, really, really sucks.

God damn it.

Game over. But I put another quarter in the machine. Can I really win? Probability says no but my heart says yes. What does it know. It’s a fucking wreck. I am at odds. I play the odds. All cards on the table. She still beats me.

What happens if it works out for her? What happens if he moves here? Would that be too much. It already feels like too much. What happens if it doesn’t work out for her? By that point does she even deserve me?

I can’t even think about smoking or drinking. I don’t even want to. There is no remedy for this.

Time heals.

Time heals nothing.

He’s a thousand miles away. She feels a thousand miles away.

I don’t want to hurt myself but it feels like that’s exactly what I’m doing. Or does it?

I want to hurt myself. Will I bleed? Will I feel alive? I feel numb. Am I numb from pain? Is this what ultimate heartbreak feels like? If I really love her I should let her go, right?

I don’t know if I can handle this.

Should I leave? Distance. Time and Distance. They cure don’t they. I’m right fucking here right fucking now though.

Getting close to her was like flying too close to the sun. Like Icarus’s dream to fly, she was everything I ever wanted. The feeling could not have been more elating. Like tripping a step before the finish line of a winning race, I felt like I would have it all; and then gone. I would lose it all in a fleeting moment. Like a moth to a flame, I would only burn myself.

Her laugh would echo through my mind all throughout the day just the same as her smile would shine and light my heart on fire. Her eyes were a blue million miles; the kind of eyes I could lose myself just gazing into. The kind of piercing blue eyes that could rip through you like a dagger or completely melt you from the inside out. Her skin was fair and satin soft and so gentle to the touch. Her flowing hair would pile thick, framing her face so perfectly. Just the thought of her would send my heart leaping into my throat and cause my palms to sweat.

I never felt so much about anyone. I would lose sleep waiting to talk to her again. I would melt at the sound of her soothing voice. We would spend hours talking about the deepest and most important things we held close.

Opening myself up to her felt like I could finally trust someone; like I could be close to someone again. Nothing was more refreshing than knowing we held the same ideals, standards, and morals. In a world of fake people, she felt so real.

I would dream about her jumping into my arms. I would dream of holding her hand. I would dream about sharing a passionate kiss in the silver light of a full moon. I would dream about lying with her under the sky and counting stars until the sun would rise. I would dream of adventures with her through the thick of the forest and over peaks of mountains. I would dream of exploring the winding concrete mazes of bustling cities with her. I could have been anywhere with her and feel like that’s where I was meant to be.

When her heart broke, mine broke for her. When she left for home I thought I would never see her again. When she came back to visit all I could hope and wish for was that she would stay. She didn’t stay. When I fell into deep depression, all I wanted was to call her. I wish she would reach out but instead she became tangled in her own struggle. When I finally started to pull myself out my own hole I would find out her heart was broken again. It pained me to feel part of her sorrow. When she said she was moving back I didn’t know what to feel. When she did move back I could hardly contain my excitement. I felt like I might finally have a chance.

For a short time, she would open herself up to me. I felt on top of the world. It felt like a sign. Like if I could achieve this, I could achieve anything. My heart would skyrocket when I could finally hold her close. It felt like it might just beat and explode out of my chest. Kissing her was everything I had ever imagined in my mind. I could not have possibly imagined anything more satisfying and intimate. She was the first and last thing on my mind every day.

And then she receded.

The feeling was horrifying. What had I done wrong? Why does she suddenly feel distant? Am I fucking this all up? Is it me? Is it someone else? Is it her? The distance would tear me apart from the inside. My heart would leap into my throat in a way that would make me feel as if I could choke. I would feel constricted. I could feel the storm in my head beginning to brew again.

She said it’s because it’s too soon for her; that she needs to spend time on herself. She’s not wrong and I have no right to take that away. I’ve only ever told her all I want is to see her happy. Now I’m left here not having any clue what to do. She told me getting close to me was bringing up pain from her past. I would never have imagined that could have been an issue. What the fuck do I do? I want to support her and be close but being close is causing her grief? I’ve never wanted to be so close to anyone and now she wants to turn away from me. She says maybe she’s keeping me from finding love. She says she might never be able to reciprocate how I feel about her. I’ve never felt so confused in my life. Trying to draw lines in the sand, but they seem to only be continually washed away by uncertainty.

It’s nearly 3 AM. That’s nothing new. I’m used to plaguing myself with though until this time. I think my mental health is deteriorating again. It’s my own fault. I shouldn’t be surprised this happened. I quit drinking all the time but another beer might help me get to sleep tonight. I’ll watch YouTube, half cut, until I drag myself to bed and try to forget that I have this loneliness that can’t be defeated. I should have known I would only screw it all up and push her away. I should have known I don’t deserve someone as special as her.

I asked her to come watch the meteor shower on Friday with me. Maybe she will maybe she won’t. If she doesn’t maybe I should move on. Fuck. I don’t know.