Pause
I donāt even know where to begin. There must be half a dozen half finished letters Iāve tried to express myself in at various stages of pain, anger, happiness, joy, resentment, sorrow, regret, and so on etcā¦
You are literally the hardest thing Iāve ever had to āquitā. You are like an addiction to me. Quitting smoking was easier that telling you I needed to back off like this. Most of this is my fault and I know there is no apology that can fix this right now. I let myself fall so deeply into what I thought was āin loveā with you that all Iāve felt is this tearing feeling inside that if I didnāt say something, I felt like my heart might literally explode out of my chest. You can read what Iāve written before this as proof. If you thought you made it clear that you did not want any relationship with me, you didnāt. I was either naĆÆve, stupid, or just plain was not listening.
This last few months has felt like a struggle. I tried everything to have a chance with you. Even when you told me you had met someone back in February, that didnāt mean anything to me. Why else would you have given me the small, tiny chance that you did? That was a glimmer of hope to me that I could not just let go. You literally told me I had a chance. Thatās what Iāve been fighting for this whole time. I told you I would try to just be your friend, and I honestly, genuinely tried my hardest, but I guess that wasnāt good enough because I kept on trying to wedge my way into something with you.
I have tried to be nothing but honest and transparent with you. I told you everything. Literally EVERYTHING. Even when you didnāt tell me everything, I could still read you like a book. Except I couldnāt. I only thought I could. I was blinded my own idiocrasy. If I had seen this then, I would have honestly laid the fuck off like I should have without making your life and mine, including tonight, any harder.
I though telling you exactly how I feel would be good enough for you to realize EXACTLY HOW I FEEL. I canāt even count how many times I literally told you that you are the girl of my dreams and that I would do anything to be with you. Iām sorry if you donāt understand that giving me even as much hope as you did was enough for me to continue pursuing something with you. I honestly thought that everything I was doing was hopefully maybe cute, or romantic, or something enough to coax you back.
I have literally never felt strongly enough about anyone to actually start a blog to put my feelings out there like this. Very little of this will even be anything you donāt already know. What Iāve published is anonymous and raw to the bone. Every single thought here has been poured out like ink thatās been knocked over and spilled all over a stack of papers. There is nothing held back here. Some of it may seem harsh, but Iāve typed this all out, each post, as fast as I can think! If anyone could see my guts spilled out like this, its been you and it still is now. (I highly doubt anyone else has ever read any of this.)
Timing has been anything but perfect between us. Itās never been the right time between you in me in regards to many things. Thatās part of the reason I had to come to see you tonight. I couldnāt let this go on for the both of us. I didnāt want to keep hurting either of us and this was the only solution I could think of. There is always going to be the bad guy in these super shitty scenarios and this time it was me.
Here is what I do know. I do love you. 1000%. And I honestly donāt mean that in a way that is anything more than just friends. You are my best friend. I want to be your best friend for as long as I live. Iāve never met anyone I can trust as much as you regardless of this whole mess. You and I have shared some of the deepest and most meaningful conversations Iāve ever had. I cherish every good memory weāve ever shared together. I also know if you or I want to preserve that, you need to know that the part of me clinging onto the part of you that wants me to let go needs to literally let me go.
Iām so sorry for tonight. It means nothing to you now, but I really mean it. I had to make the move to show you that I surrender. I want to let you be with whomever you choose and not burden the both of us any longer.
Seeing you cry made me want to ride my bike into a wall. The fact that I made it home without a ticket tonight is almost astonishing. I should have been pulled over for how reckless I was for the 5 minutes it took me to get home, which is lucky enough that I even made the choice to go there right away and avoid doing anything more stupid. I thought I would have cried more when I got home, but I havenāt. I feel like maybe Iām a sociopath or something. Why wonāt my feelings manifest themselves into anything except destructive behaviour is beyond me. I think Iām just that broken already that I donāt know how to deal with this.
Look, I know Iām just dragging this out now. I want you to be happy. Fuck, I want to be happy. But I know myself really well, even if it means that I donāt know what the fuck Iām doing sometimes. I know that if I donāt just back the fuck off and give you and myself enough time to process all of this, then Iām likely just going to make it worse. I donāt want that and I know neither do you. I know that if I keep this up though, I will ultimately destroy this friendship and I donāt want that and I know you donāt either.
Giving up on you feels like Iām giving up on myself. I donāt give up. I know what I want and I go after it. Youāre not a thing though. You are a person. Alive and with a whole gamut of feelings like me. If you donāt want to be with me, then I need to actually respect that, and up until now, I really have been doing a shitty job of that.
Please understand that I am by no means cutting you out of my life. I am simply taking a break from you. I just know that if I donāt separate this part of me from you, then I will fuck it up. Thatās the last thing Iāve ever wanted. I need to process what Iāve felt for so long and what I know now and make them make sense in a way that I can continue to support you without trying to engage in something that isnāt even possible between us. This has been an equally shitty rollercoaster for the both of us that neither of deserve and Iām sure is a trial to our sanity. It would be unfair to the both of us for me to continue to be the misguided bastard I have been.
Most of this is my fault and in no way am I blaming you for anything. I realize the full extent of the bullshit Iāve put you through and although I wish you had been more clear with me sooner, I do not in any way resent you or blame you. We are both human and to be human is to err.
Iām trying to wrap this up but my head is flooded right now. I hope as you read this you remember the part of me that isnāt a complete jerk. I hope you remember the part of me that has tried to be a support to you in your life journey. I hope you remember all the amazing adventures weāve shared together. I wouldnāt trade that for all the money in the world. The experiences weāve shared have taught me so, so, so much. The good. The bad. I couldnāt have been luckier to have had a better person to share any of that with. You are a rock in my life that I can trust. Thatās what makes all of this so hard.
Closure is a bitch. Itās something that many people donāt even get. But we were never more than friends, so thatās what makes this so fucked up. I need closure though because I let myself fall head over heals for you. I so completely lost sight that I didnāt see any of the signs, or just outright ignored them.
I donāt know how long I need to get over you. You already have someone in your life you can fully confide in. I just lost that person, and itās you. This is the most you will get from me until we can hopefully pick up again in a better place in the future. I donāt know if I need a couple weeks or a couple months. Iāve never experienced anything quite like this. I really hope that we can laugh about this sooner than later.
I care about you so much. If Iāve hurt you to the point you never want to talk to me again, I completely understand. Iām sure this must feel like absolute betrayal to you. My intentions are anything but that. I really do hope you can understand and want to remain friends. I would love nothing more that to create new memories from new amazing experiences with you⦠I just want to create them on a level that is copasetic and amicable. You and I both deserve that.
I want to say thank you for putting up with me for as long as you have. You of all people in my life deserve to have a happy and successful life apart from all this. I want to say I am sorry for the grief I have likely caused you. I want to tell you that Iām done. I will not peruse you romantically unless you decide to first. Thatās your prerogative not mine. I would rather finally share the same page with you now, rather than staying in the same chapter and always trying to play catch up with one another.
I really hope you can understand where Iām coming from and how Iāve been so utterly lost for this entire time. Iām gonna just keep my head down and keep working on myself and bettering my life. If and when the time is right, I will finally be with who I am supposed to be with. Until then, I need to realize itās not you.
So⦠thatās it. Iām done. I want you to live your life. I want to live mine. Letās please still be friends, just let me put a pause on it all to keep it that way. If there is any way you can just even give me a nod or anything to let me know you agree, I would so deeply appreciate that. If not, I will never bother you again.
Hereās to hoping for the best!
Love always,
Me













