#wellfudge

11:49 PM I don't know who to turn to. My cousin doesn't help. He doesn't listen to what I say. To how I feel. He just talks and that's the kind of person he is. And I can't blame him. I'm wishing. I'm wishing for a lot of things actually. But they're unattainable. And I can't really do anything about it. I want my sister back. To talk with her. To cry to her. To know someone is there for you. I love someone who will never want me. And yet here I am. Still. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to stop. I keep telling myself to. Telling myself that everything was a lie. Telling myself that this is better. That they don't care. That they've moved on. That I need to stop, too. But I can't. I'm wishing to better myself. To not think about all of my analyzations of things. But I can't. Why can't I? Because the pain will heal faster if it's me inflicting it. I'm dwelling with just myself. But I can't hold everything in because I have no one to turn to. If I hold it in, I'd probably go back to what I used to do. And I hated it. Hated her. Hated the old me. A post. A nightly post. The posts where I'm able to let everything out. This post with which I'm hoping will release some of the pressure Because the next few days will be finals. And I need to concentrate on that. I'm wishing I can. I can do something about it. It's attainable.

For the first time in awhile, my mind is blank. I can’t really sleep for the first time in awhile. I really tried to. But I can’t. I woke up. Even in my dreams my reality settles. The morning is going to be an even bigger pain though. My eyes will hurt. And I don’t know which is worse. Being asked if I cried last night or continuing to go through my day with this feeling. I’ll really try not to. But I know I can’t. All I know is I had two choices. And I don’t know which is worse. I had to let you go because if I didn’t, you would’ve never healed and never wanted me. And I would never let you or myself go through that. I really did try. But I couldn’t… for the first time in awhile.

So, I think I don’t win in either situation. And it sucks. That’s how I did poorly on my midterm. Which mindset did I take? The one where I went with the flow. It wasn’t an exam where I’m like yeaahhh I know this shit, it was a "let’s see what knowledge you retained over the past two months and put it to the test” and during the whole exam I was freaking out skipping back and forth in my textbook trying to find the answer because I didn’t fuckin know the full information.

12:46 AM Realizing you haven't learned from past mistakes is devastating. I feel like I failed myself, and that it's my fault. And, it is. I seek emotional pain. It's what fucked me up over the last few years. I've inflicted undignified actions upon myself that led to degradation. I basically used physical pain to ease the emotional pain. It was like a drug to me that I only used when I felt my lowest. I never want to put myself through that again. Yet, I'm heading into a path straight into emotional pain. I need to put on my brakes before it's too late. Or maybe it already is. I've only just realized it... and it's devastating.

I’ll be dead on the inside. I’ll go back to being dead on the inside. Yet, aren’t I still dead on the inside? So why can’t I not give a fuck?

Sometimes I just want others to do the same for me.

Raining because finally something out there is feeling what I’m feeling, and that the only thing to help keep me calm is the sound of the rain hitting the rooftop.