#thoughtsforthoughts

Why am I up so early? Why did I dream about robots and the world ending? Why can’t I just go back to sleep? Why do I have chest pains? I’ve been asking so many questions lately. But I don’t have any answers. And here I am, still being young and dumb. I wish to just throw it all away. But I know I can’t. I honestly am upset with myself, everything. I just hope this feeling goes away. I don’t want it anymore. But it can’t let go. i want to travel again. to forget. i need to find a job soon and fast i shouldn’t have went to the health clinic again i shouldn’t be like this if it wasn’t because of that but they were so nice yesterday and everything was quick and no one knows this will probably be the last one i don’t want anything anymore and the feeling is terrible everything is terrible ill act more selfish from now on or at least ill try to fuck everything idgaf Why am I even writing this?

1:13 AM I forgot what it was really like living without all these emotions of anxiousness and depression and stress. Sure, I've had times when I was happy the past months, but I still always had that these feelings come back in an instant. I don't know when I'll ever get to be free from these constant feelings. I just want to be free from them for a day or two in a way that I'll feel hopeful and content fully, but I can't. And I don't really know how. I just want to stop. Feeling nothing again is better than feeling all of these other ones... or not. I don't even know. I'd rather not have either. I guess this is just normal for me.

A heavy feeling, like always. Like it never wants to go away. Like it’s always present even when you’re at your most relaxed than you ever have been in quite awhile. Like the relaxed feeling shouldn’t be something you deserve. Like you feel as though you’re not doing enough with your life. Like there’s something that you should be doing, but you’re just too unmotivated to do it. Like being unmotivated only comes from feeling like you wouldn’t be good enough, if you ever can be. Like you know in your mind you can, but things happened, and you’re unsure whether you should try again. Like trying again would mean leading yourself to hurt, pain, rejection. And then just like that, the heavy feeling would still be prominent. If not, more than before. I don’t want this heavy feeling anymore.

11:38 PM I'm characterized as a reserved person. All my life, I've been the quiet one; the one always left in the corner, not usually noticed. And I was okay with that except when people would point it out. It was like whenever they mentioned it, it was something wrong, that I shouldn't be what I am. People don't call out people on being more social, so why should I be? But being reserved made me emotionless. I barely ever showed my emotions, and when I do, it takes out a lot in me. I had emotions, just hated revealing them. I hate feeling vulnerable, weak, dependent. Yet, I am vulnerable, weak, dependent. I keep it to myself like they were treasures, and I had to guard them from anyone who came close to discovering them. I tried. I've been trying. I am trying. Trying to overcome that side of me where it blocks out emotions. I'm more empathetic than I was when it all stopped 3 years ago. My emotions are slowing displaying themselves more openly and genuinely. It's hard and sometimes it irritates the fuck out of me, however it's also made me feel more content about my life than I ever had before. Noticing that I've been becoming less and less reserved lately, and I'm actually okay with that.

12:41 AM Life is a very complex form. Life is uncanny, underestimated, unforgiving, and especially unpredictable. I almost died once, or it was probably almost seriously injured. I didn't see it though. I was lost in the music playing through my earphones trying to nap. It was almost a car crash. The truck lost control on the icy road and hit the side rail. I didn't know what was going on until I took out my earphones and opened my eyes. Everything was okay, except for the fact that it was probably traumatic for everyone else in the truck with me. Looking back, I was apathetic about the whole situation, all because I didn't see it. The reason I say I was apathetic is because once the truck was back on the road, I put my earphones back in and tried to nap again. I didn't even think about the consequences if we actually did crash hard into that side rail. I was utterly careless about myself and those around me. The force of the truck stopping, sure, I felt it, but it was nothing compared to seeing your life flashing before your eyes which they all probably saw. I think life has a funny way of doing that a lot. One second you're just cruising through life and the next thing you know, something life changing happens. Or even life stopping. Life really is silly, but I figured that along the way, laughing and being truly happy in life is the form I strive to be in. And I aim to reach it.

Well, my state of mind would tell me that I should just get out of the flow and continue on my own. It may be harder because I’ll be the one doing to motivate myself. Though in the end, it’ll lead me to a better path than what I planned to be in. It’s the path that I chose to be on rather than the path the flow was taking me.