I woke up at 3am and couldn’t go back to sleep. A cup of chamomile tea sounded nice, so I stumbled out of bed into the kitchen.

    There, perched on the counter top, backlit by the dim light above the stove was Sue, sucking ketchup straight from the bottle like it was a freaking smoothie.

    My jaw hit the hardwood floor. “Uuuuuuuuhhhhhhh…”

    Sue turned around. Well, her head turned around. The rest of her stayed put. “Oh, hey Melissa,” she said casually, like her head wasn’t turned 180 degrees and her teeth weren’t stained with what...may or may not have been ketchup.

    “Uuuuuuhhhhhh....” I repeated with all the eloquence of a communications grad student.

    Sue turned her neck back to normal human range and chuckled as she slid off the counter. “Okay, I know this looks weird, but it would be weirder if I didn’t tell you my secret, because I know you’ll be wondering about it now.”

    I pinched myself hard enough to leave a bruise. Definitely felt that.

    “I’m a ketchup vampire.”

    I laughed. It was too ridiculous. Of all the things I could have hallucinated in the wee hours of the morning, this is what my brain came up with?

    Sue shrugged. “Sounds crazy, right?”

    I stopped laughing. She was smiling, but... “You’re serious.”

    Sue nodded. “Come on, why did you think all my food is ketchup and literally nothing else?”

    “I just...thought you either really liked fries or went to a lot of barbecues?”

    Sue chuckled. “Well, secret’s out now.” She tipped up the bottle.

    I stared as my roommate guzzled down what had to be half a gallon of ketchup in less than a minute, squeezing the last bits into her mouth while the bottle made fart noises. “Sooo...how did this happen?”

    Sue licked a drop of ketchup off her lip. “I ate a radioactive tomato.”

    “What.”

    She screwed off the cap and wiped a finger in the ketchup that wouldn’t squeeze out. “I studied biology and dated this guy who became a radiologist. One night we x-rayed a tomato and he dared me to eat it.”

    “And...that made you a ketchup vampire.”

    She licked her finger and stuck it back in the bottle. “Yup! It sucked at first, but I’m used to it now.”

    “That doesn’t make any sense.”

    She shrugged as she licked more ketchup off her finger. “Weird, right?”

    I blink. “So, that’s why you don’t show up in selfies?”

    She tossed the bottle in the trash can. “You got it. Honestly, I’m surprised you didn’t figure it out sooner.”

    “I--just--you--I...didn’t think vampires were real!” I ran my hands through my already rumpled hair. There was no way I could sleep after this.

    “Well, you know now. Just do me favor?”

    “Uh…”

    “Don’t tell anyone, all right? I mean I don’t have much of a social life anyway, but the less people that know, the better.”

    “Why did you tell me?”

    “Because I live with you. It was only a matter of time before you found out. And you’re a pretty cool roommate, I’ll be honest.”

    “Um, yeah, okay. I’ll keep your secret.”

    She grinned. “Thanks! You’re the best. I’ve gotta go back to work, but have a good night!” She grabbed her keys. “Or, well, day. Kind of. See ya!” She shut the door behind her. The deadbolt clicked shut. Her hurried footsteps pounded down the stairs and faded into the early-morning traffic noise.

    I went back to my bedroom and flopped on my mattress, chamomile tea forgotten.