Just imagine it. Take the worst hitter on the team, like - we're talking about a man who *routinely* flails at balls that are half a mile outside. You know the guy. He's allergic to hitting with runners in scoring position. But!!! Perhaps our subpar slugger can make contact with THIS: a slow, juicy pitch right over the plate, hung there by a one-man bullpen disaster who's singlehandedly blown four games in the last two weeks.

A few small rule tweaks to maximize enjoyment:

Every ninth batter MUST be a pitcher. No designated hitter. We die like men.

Additional mascot races between innings, for a total of seven. Each race will include the primary mascot for each team in their division. (Teams without an official mascot have to send their manager). Winners of the first six races will then compete in the seventh and final championship match.

ACTUALLY shit they should do that during the world series too lmao

If a team is down by more than four runs, its pitchers are encouraged to start coating that ball with whatever substances they damn well please.

No ABS and also we're bringing in the worst umpires in the league. This game is being run exclusively by officials who are so dogshit at umpiring that you already know all of 'em by name.

All commentary and pre/post game shows MUST include at least one starry-eyed yaoi enthusiast and one sleep-deprived baseball gay in addition to the usual broadcast staff.

And - of course - it's dollar hot dog night, baybeee!

Now, you might think, hey, "let's match up the objectively worst players" comes across as a potentially mean-spirited idea. And you're right! Which is why everybody gets an extra 2 million dollars just for being on the roster, because fuck it - MLB can afford that shit!! And NO, it's not for "a charity of their choice," it's for the players to blow on whatever bullshit makes them happy!

But more importantly, you also gotta consider that this event is for a batch of players who, as a rule, do not get a chance to shine on the national stage. These guys show up every goddamn day but they're not legends. They're not generational talent. They're working hard as fuck just to barely tread water in the same league as their All-Star teammates.

Don't they deserve a turn too? Forget the Mendoza line, forget an ERA in the double-digits, forget all those TOOTBLANs.

So make it happen! Let these players have a chance to be the hero in a dumb exposition game!!!!

Be romantic about baseball!!!!!!!!!!