#weight concerns

Cw: discussion of weight, mentions of COVID-19

Since I was 5 I wanted to lose weight. For a long time I half-jokingly explained that it was because of me reading Merry Poppins and wishing to fly on an umbrella.

I never really DID anything for it. Not consciously. I had not a great appetite and sometimes forgot to it. I was (and probably, am) a spoiled brat, so I expected the numbers of weight to decline on its own. It was a cycle - I lost weight during school year and gained a little back on summer vacation. It was never a lot, I but I still felt unsatisfied every time.

I was slightly underweight for twelve years. I thought of it as it was an achievement. I had that "height minus 110 sm" thing engraved in my mind. My weight was approximately "height minus 115-118" and I was proud of it. I think that 11yo me would cry after seeing me the way I am now. Or not. I don't know and it saddens me.

Then puberty came and hit me like a train. I gained 10 kilos in two months (and grew 5 sm, but it didn't really mattered). I looked normal. I finally had some flesh on my bones. A lot of people told me that I looked better. But the thing is, after all those years, being skinny became a part of my identity. And I felt frustrated, and angry at myself and my body. I dreamed of being underweight again. When summer came, I was hoping to lose weight to return to my self.

It didn't happen. I gained weight again. At 12 I still looked slim. Not anymore. And I hoped again.

At my 14th summer I broke a leg. I layed in my bed and struggled with everything. I ate and read - like I always did, but I didn't move around enough to spent the energy. And I gained weight.

I didn't grew a millimetre since I was 12. So, I looked chubby. But of course, I thought of myself as disgustingly fat. Because it was my body that dared to gain weight. It was my body that disobeyed me. Because I still didn't do anything to lose weight - out of childhood habit. I tried not to eat sweets, tried to make some exercises - but I just ate more later, and I could not stick with my fitness plans. Hating myself was much easier.

A lot of things changed when I discovered Tiktok during the lockdown. My binge watching deepened my knowledge of English, I learned a lot more about queer community and foreign countries in general, but, more importantly, I discovered people. Different people with different body types who loved themselves nonetheless. And when I went to college that same year, I loved myself a little bit more.

I gained weight, I lost weight. I still cared. There were still people, who told me that in April I looked so much better than in September. But it was okay.

I lost 10 kilos last winter, due to COVID-19. (one thing lost by my family, fortunately). 5 kilos in two weeks ( probably, in three days when I could not eat), then two kilos in two months, then 3 kilos when I fell ill again. People told me that I looked better. I could fit into the clothes I almost buried in my closet. Before that I stood at the line of being overweight by the medical standards - which is, apparently, "height minus less than 90" in my country. After losing weight, it was not the case anymore.

I felt bad. I became weaker. I didn't feel like myself. It didn't felt right.

Summer before that, I bleached my hair for the first time. I looked good. People said that I blonde hair suits me. But when I stared at the mirror, it did not feel like my reflection. It was someone else.

It felt like that once more. Not for a long time. I gained a little again, and I felt better. The numbers were the nearly the same for a month or two, and I got used to it. I felt like my body were my friend once more. I had not that painful desire to lose and lose until nothing is left. It felt nice.

I finally gathered the strength to go to phycholotherapist and he wrote me a prescription for pills. One of the side effects was weight gain. I was afraid.

But my weight stayed more or less stable. I felt better physically and emotionally.

Month ago my doctor changed my prescription due to the new things I told him (i visit him every two months). One of the reasons were to help me stick with the healthy diet that I had to maintain for my stomach issues.

I lost 3 kilos. I haven't started eating healthier. I just don't eat. I had this problem before — when I skipped meals because I was too lazy to cook. Or because I didn't get the time. It just happens more often. Maybe it's warmer weather to blame, but I also don't feel the need to eat a lot.

I feel weak. I don't feel healthy. I can't force myself to eat for a lot of times. So I should not feel dissatisfied with my body for losing the weight I always wanted to lose.

One time I came to the conclusion that it was not only the change of appearance that bothered me. It was the change that I didn't do anything for. And I feel it once more.

I want people to do not praise me for this weight loss for it was not intentional. I want to feel like myself. But I guess I have to wait for when it will be stable again. Then I will do something about.

Hey Riley,

You may be slightly underweight but if you’re putting forth the effort to try and gain the weight and you don’t and your doctor hasn’t explicitly stated that there is an issue then it’s likely not something to worry about - its just people that like to judge and don’t have a right to do so. Next time you’re at the doctor, ask him outright to be upfront and tell you if there is a genuine and worrysome issue but otherwise I wouldn’t assume there’s a problem!

Thanks for updating us,

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