#weakestlink

LOL. Imagine being so spineless you have to ASK PERMISSION before calling someone a slur. What’s stopping you? The fear I’ll clap back and turn your entire existence into content? Which slur were you thinking? Be specific, coward. Because I promise you, I’ve been called worse by better people. And unlike you, those people at least had the balls to say it to my face. But sure, go ahead. Hit me with your best shot. Let’s see if you can come up with something that isn’t the intellectual equivalent of a moist handshake and a limp dick. 🔥 REBLOG if internet tough guys are softer than baby shit. 🔥

It’s Oscar season, y’all! Halleluj! This weekend saw the opening of two Oscar contenders: The Goldfinch, based on the 700+ page Pulitzer-prize winning book that I slogged through over the summer and starring the insufferable Ansel Elgort plus Nicole Kidman in a bad wig AND Hustlers, based on the NYMag article about Robin Hood-like strippers and starring JLo plus a bunch of other chicks. The clear Oscar contender seemed to be The Goldfinch, but I chose Hustlers to see this weekend anyway and I chose correctly! The Goldfinch is currently at 26% on Rotten Tomatoes and being called one of the worst films of the year, and Hustlers is at 88% and getting Oscar buzz for JLo. 2019 is wild, you guys, but honestly: GIVE JLO AN OSCAR FOR THIS. But what about the wigs? Let’s discuss:

So this movie is mainly about Constance Wu’s character. She made sure we knew she was the main character because she demanded top billing over JLo. BOLD MOVE (which will probably benefit JLo’s supporting actress Oscar campaign so actually great work!) This was after she had a hissy fit on instagram that she didn’t want her TV show to be renewed because she wanted some big movie instead and officially became the new Katherine Heigl. I don’t watch that show and I’ve only ever seen her in Crazy Rich Asians and honestly she was the weakest link in both that and in this movie. There is something  fake about her and it’s not just her fake ass wig which, ok fine, is actually the weakest link in this movie.

LOOK AT THIS DAMN WIG. Horrifying bangs aside, I have seen better wigs purchased at Duane Reade to be a sexy witch on Halloween. The texture is TERRIBLE and what is even going on in the non-existent hair part?!?!?! GIVE ME STRENGTH.

ENTER JLO. We first see her in the stripper club (where Constance also works) doing the best damn striptease ever to a Fiona Apple song and DAMN JLO IS 50 WHAT. Next we see her having a cigarette on the roof in this ELEGANT FUR and when Constance asks her for a light, JLo wraps her up in the fur with her and OH MY GOD IS THERE ROOM IN THERE FOR ME TOO PLEASE. 

Then JLo takes Constance under her wing and helps her be a better stripper and then  they both start scamming rich dudes out of $$ and you have to wait and see when they’re gonna get caught and basically that’s the whole movie.

But also JLo is friggin amazing in this movie and I am not even kidding when I say that she needs an Oscar for it. Though to be fair, now that Rami Malek has won an Oscar for the garbage fire that was Bohemian Rhapsody, shouldn’t anything be possible?! Still, JLo is charming and sad and conniving and cutthroat and wonderful all at once and she totally has an amazing Oscar clip scene toward the end of the movie. 

It’s when she offers Constance an Orange Julius in a random mall! J/k j/k but that part was great.

I have also decided that since I will never have JLo’s amazing 50 year old body now or any time before I am 50, my new life goal is to at least have these friggin amazing highlights. HER HAIR IS EVERY COLOR AND IT STILL WURQS. I WANT THIS WHOLE LEWK PLEASE. #HighlightlifeGoals #HighlifeGoals?

The fact that JLo’s hair (and everything) look so great further emphasizes how horrifying Constance’s wig is. THIS LOOKS LIKE A LOW RENT ELVIRA WIG HOW DID THIS HAPPEN. When you are in a movie with JLo YOU BEST BRING YOUR BEST HAIR AND EVERYTHING GAME.

Anyway, this movie is a lot of fun but Constance’s wig (and her in general?) get a failing grade.

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ

Monday, May 20th:

(exclusive): Bäckström (AcornTV, season 3 available, all 6 eps)

(streaming weekly): After the Flood (BritBox, next 2 eps), Harry Wild (AcornTV), The Brokenwood Mysteries (AcornTV), Murdoch Mysteries (AcornTV)

(specials): Ugliest House in America (HGTV, 3hrs, season 5 finale), "Stax: Soulsville U.S.A." (HBO, music doc, night 1 of two, ~2hrs), "An Interview With the Pope" (CBS)

(hour 1): All American (theCW), Star Trek: Discovery (SHO), Jeopardy! Masters (ABC, semifinals 3&4), The Voice (NBC, 2hrs), MasterChef Junior (FOX, season 9 finale), Summer Baking Championship (FOOD), The Price Is Right at Night (CBS, special night)

(hour 2): Harry Wild (BBCAm, ~65mins), The Voice (NBC, contd, penultimate), So You Think You Can Dance (FOX, season 18 finale)

(hour 3): Weakest Link (NBC, new night), Independent Lens (PBS, "The Tuba Thieves", 90mins)

Tuesday, April 2nd:

(exclusive): Demetri Martin: "Demetri Deconstructed" (netflix, stand-up), "Together: Treble Winners" (netflix, Manchester City FC soccer docu-series, all 6 eps)

(streaming weekly): Shōgun (hulu), Physical:100 (netflix, next 2 eps, competition season 2 finale)

(hour 1): FBI (CBS), Will Trent (ABC), The Cleaning Lady (FOX), Lopez vs. Lopez (NBC, season 2 opener, 60mins), Finding Your Roots (PBS), Crime Nation (theCW, 2hrs)

(hour 2): FBI: International (CBS), The Rookie (ABC), Alert: Missing Persons Unit (FOX), Kingdom Business (BET), Weakest Link (NBC, season 3B opener, new night), Wildcard Kitchen (FOOD), Crime Nation (theCW, contd)

(hour 3): FBI: Most Wanted (CBS), The Good Doctor (ABC), Shōgun (FX, ~80mins), Zatima (BET) / . / America in Black (BET, 60mins), Password (NBC)

Monday, November 27th:

(exclusive & streaming): Hidden Assets (AcornTV), Steeltown Murders (AcornTV, Welsh split-timeline crime drama, all 4 eps)

(also new): "Christmas in Maple Hills" (GAFam, original movie, 2hrs), Kids Baking Championship (FOOD, "Reindeer Games" special)

(hour 1): The Voice (NBC, 2hrs), Kitchen Nightmares (FOX), Holiday Baking Championship (FOOD)

(hour 2): Masters of Illusion (theCW) / . / World's Funniest Animals (theCW), Let's Make a Deal in Primetime (CBS), The Voice (NBC, contd), Special Forces: "World's Toughest Test" (FOX, season 2 finale), "Love Has Won: The Cult of Mother God" (HBO, docuseries finale)

(hour 3): "30 Coins" (HBO, ~50mins), American Dad! (TBS), Weakest Link (NBC, "How Jane Lynch Stole Christmas" special)