#we'retrying

As I sit and contemplate the possibility that in the next few days (or even right now) I have a chance of being pregnant -- a small chance is still a chance after all -- I lament as I feel a familiar ache. It is an ache I’ve felt before, and often. The ache of an ovarian cyst. I get them a lot, usually every 1-2 months. And while I know I can be pregnant while I have an active cyst, we’re still in the early phase in the conception cycle. What if it’s the ovary that has the zygote / zygote-to-be? I know that such an occurrence would likely lead to termination, and this is something I was already prepared for going into the journey of conception. But it feels like I’m being kicked before getting out of the gate. Why couldn’t it have come a week earlier? Or later? Why now? As easy as it is to try to humanize -- then demonize -- this cyst, it is a biological function that neither it nor myself has any control over. It sucks, yes. But I need to avoid the trap of personification and despair. I need to remind myself that this was something we knew going in. We don’t want to *have* a kid so much as *be parents*. But sometimes it’s hard to keep things like that in mind when your body is at war with itself and your emotions are running rampant. But these things are to be expected. And that’s okay.

Also, I contemplated making him just say "No!" like normal. But I'm in a mood so this is how it's gonna be

Second round of Clomid is complete and Day 12 is upon us. Practice makes perfect right...?

Follow us down the rabbit hole.

So I was talking to my coworker about the whirlwind that has been the last week, and she is great to talk to. She's detached enough from my family life but still has a vested interest in my well-being -- and I know this seems selfish, but sometimes it's nice to talk to someone who's only concern is *me* in all this. She said she knew I was disappointed that I got a negative result; which is true, I really did want it to be positive. But would it have been the same feeling most women get with a positive pregnancy test? And I'm starting to think that, yeah, my coworker is right that I would be happy, but would it have been the "OMG yay I'm preggers!!!" sort of feeling? I'm thinking it probably would have been more like "awesome, proof of concept!" sort of feeling. Still super happy, but I don't think it would have been the same. More like relief that we can move onto the next step, which would be maintaining the pregnancy. Proof of concept for conception only bypasses the PCOS. It doesn't negate the lupus and all the other complications that could have happened. I think that's why we're hesitant to think about IVF and other infertility treatments. Because that only addresses the conception, not maintaining. A lot of things are up in the air so after we get a battery of tests done, we're going to sit down and explore our options with an infertility specialist. If we decide that it's just not the path for us, we'll talk to a friend who has offered to be both surrogate and egg donor for us. I know it seems silly, but I feel like if both my reproductive system AND my eggs make it difficult to conceive, maybe I'd be better off with my genes ending with me. But until we know more, everything is just speculation for now.

So my OBGYN has ordered an HSG test for me and a sperm analysis for my husband. Then we’ll have a consultation with an infertility specialist about what steps we’re willing to take, though we have already decided not to do anything in the vein of IVF since it can cost just as much as an adoption (and we’d rather put that money towards adoption fees, tbh). So, since I didn’t really know a ton about HSG, here is a really great primer I found.

So I was given false hope, and it was just as devastating as I thought it would be. Early in the ovulation week, I had cramping and spotting for a day, and it stopped after that. Someone who has successfully had a kid with Lupus told me it can be a sign of pregnancy. It can be a sign of other things, but I think I just wanted to believe that this cycle of Clomid took. Probably because it was our last chance with Clomid. I began to believe I was pregnant because I had hit day 33 in my cycle and still hadn't started my period. But I took a pregnancy test this morning, and it was negative. I am devastated. And I shouldn't be. This is what false hope does to me. I have an appointment with my OBGYN tomorrow though, so we'll see how we go forward after this.

We’re finishing up the last few days of ovulation on our last round of Clomid. Earlier in the cycle I had cramping and spotting so we’re not holding out much hope for it. But watching my husband pep up his soldier. That was something.