#waiter tips

This post begins a series of sections directly from the book.

After all, why should you have to wait for me to get the thing published to start reading it?

  How to Use This Book

Most of the time, you don't "use" a book. You just fucking read it. 

You read for a bit, and if you get bored, you throw the book in the back of your car and forget about it. You don't touch the stupid thing again until your best friend reminds you that it is their birthday. Today. And you did remember their party, right? 

Then you dig the book out from under the spare tire, wrap it in old Christmas paper, and present it to your friend, surrounded by friends and family, while choir of singing waiters croon "Happy Birthday" at Red Lobster. 

Alright, maybe that's just me. But you get the point. You don't "use" a book."

Well, my friend. This is not one of those times and this is not one of those books. This isn't just a collection of ass jokes and disgusting stories. It's a tool. And like most tools, it took some work -some research and development - to get to the stage you have found it today. Honestly! This is not the first version. Dignity for Whores; A Concise Guide to Everything Every Server Needs to Know, Ever has been through several incarnations. Each was tested and retested to make sure it worked before being put into print. 

Better be appreciative, bitches. It has been a long road.

Why this book is the way it is the way it is the way it FINALLY is.

In the beginning, I tried the straight-forward: "Do This, It Works" approach. That seemed the easiest and is BY FAR the most common among how-to books. About half-way through, I showed some of my close waiter friends the early stuff. They thought it was pretty good but reminded me to keep it short and sweet. "We just want to know what to do. That's it. Tell us exactly what to do without any fluff or explanation. That'll be great!" 

Turns out those waiter friends of mine were wrong. 

The "Do This, It Works" approach was a miserable failure with all the waiters I tested it on. It turns out that the average server is a lot like the average adolescent. They hate being told what to do without a really convincing explanation. The guinea pigs that I gave the test version to would read a section and then say to me: "But… why?" 

Then they would walk away before I had a chance to explain.