#voldi

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Where are you?

Hogsmead with Rax and Nott

Could you bring me some quills?

I'm stuck with slughorn all day

Oh okayyy

"Riddles's not coming, got stuck with Slughorn" I close the notebook and shove it into my bag, catching up with Rax and Nott who are throwing snowballs at first years, then acting like their talking to each other in professional manner. The ground has barely catched snow, it was freezing and the weather was so cold everybody walked as closely as they could to one another.

The two boys are still talking when I come up to them, pushing myself in between them.

Rax is taller, he was always taller but the past year he's grown over two meters his dark long hair is tied back in a bun, even if his mother tries to shave it off everytime he gets home he's still managed to keep it up, the tailord suit is black with silver buttons, his coat hanging loosely, when I approach he gets out his pocket watch and glances down.

Nott is only a little taller than me, his short blondish hair is skimmed back and he grins at me, his crazy blue eyes lighting up, his hands are covered in rings all of them sparkling in the winter sun.

"Well then, let's get a drink first and plan the fucking Christmas Party without him" Nott pushing his arm over my shoulder, and began walking, I glanced at Abraxas who looked around before following us.

"He's been spending loads of times with Slughorn" Rax's Scottish accent is thick and he snarls a little when dropping the professors name, I look up and shrug, Rax was always the perfect son, my father always said I should try and get my son to be like him, but the past years we did go different paths, maybe it was because we took different classes after third year or that we didn't hang out over summer break as much as we used to but since him and Tom began to hang out at the beginning of the year we fell into the same pattern as before, the silent hellos and a common understanding of what to expect with our parents, if we both stayed at Christmas over the break.

We grew up close to each other, our mothers were in the same year at Hogwarts so they pushed us to become friends.

The pub was full, a couple of second years who had snuck down were hiding in a corner, even if it was early in the afternoon hogs head was still overflowing, so Nott pushed the crowd apart and Rax glared at the younger kids in a booth who quickly scrambled away, I let out a chuckle and set down, grabbing my bag and clearing the table in front of me, I sit with the back toward the door while Nott and Rax share the built in bench.

"Alright, which one of you is getting the booze, the house elf's are still pissed at me for last year's party." I open my Transfiguration notebook and flip toward the end, creating a thorough list, planning the parties were almost as fun as attending, even if Ravelclaws reputation was above us we decided to throw this years party since last years was the sudden success.

"Not me fault I might add" Rax pushes his bag onto the ground and lets his head drop onto the table with a bang.

"Shut it" he mutters groaning softly,

"I'll manage the booze, who's doing decorations?" Nott begins to roll a cigarette in his lap, his fingers twitching as he looks up a little.

"Mary mentioned having time to do it, I'll ask her tonight, we're still going with the blue and white theme?" I ask, scribbling down the list of invited and ticket prices.

"I mean it is pretty Ravenclaw colors but since we're inviting half of the castle I guess it's fine." Nott shrugs softly, I look at Rax's who's still laying on the table.

"No objections" he mutters, I hear the door bell and I turn around to look toward the entrance smiling when I see Lucille and Archie walking in, both are seven year Slytherins and I was assisting them last year with the planning, they wave and walk over to us to sit with us.

"Hey sweets" Lucille is tall, her dark hair is pulled back in a ponytail, bright against her skin, her green eyes scanning over the table.

"Heya, how did your midterms go?" I ask a little louder since it's already loud in the pub and they haven't even set down yet.

"Yeah good, no answers yet but I'm sure I nailed them all, Luc Here ist a bit concerned about Transfiguration but I'm sure she got it" Archie lifted his hand and patted her head, a crooked smile playing on his lips.

" you two mind helping out with the decorations? Mary will lead but I'm sure she could use the help." I ask, both of them shrug then nod.

"What's the theme?"

"We're doing blue white" I mutter while putting their names down under Mary's, Nott lights the cigarette and hands it to me.

"I'm going to get some drinks" he says after I've taken it.

"Scotch" Rax mutters

"Daisy ale" I request with a sudden smile.

"Two butter beers for us please " Lucille says with a sweet smile.

"Anything for our quidditch prodigy " Nott says and ruffles Lucille's hair while walking away.

I glance around the pub, taking a hit from the cigarette, my mind calming while smoke fills my lungs.

"Whens your midterms done?" Archie asks I push the quill down and take another hit blowing the smoke out slowly.

"None after Wednesday" I answer, Rax jumps up.

"Oh fuck" he drops his head again louder this time.

"What?"

"I've got potions Thursday" he cried, I laughed softly, the common room had been buzzing for the last week, a massive sheet was hung up, everybody coordinating which exam was where, study groups had been opened to everybody and Tom was probably the only one who was just chilling not concerned about anything.

"how have you still not remembered your schedule" I ask confused

"he's a goldfish and can't help but forget."  Nott places the ale in front of me, I smile at him leaning back and watching as he pushes the other glasses toward everybody else.

"Ey that was mine" he grabs the cigarette back which was half burned down at this point, I chuckle lifting my hands in defense.

"Shouldn't have given it to me in the first place" I watch him as he inhales the smoke, letting it out slowly in a steady rhythm creating circles out of it, in the dim light he almost looks old, staring, I have to blink to look away.

Time passes quick, I let a third year get me Tom's quills in exchange for buying him alcohol and we spend the rest of the afternoon in the warm pub, Rax let's Archie quiz him half of the time, Lucille decided to play cards so me, her and Nott have been arguing over the rules for the past half hour now, every now and then the bell rings when the door opens and I look back to see if it's Tom.

"Ok you cannot do that" Nott throws his hands up, I groan and Lucille shakes her head.

"She's right you can't!" Lucille backs me up, I nod furiously but Nott begins to shout the rules at us again.

"Oy you three are done with cards!" The bartender, an older man with a soft smile waves his wand, the cards fold themselves up in a stack and fly toward him.

We shout in protest but he gives us a stern look.

"Fine. Can I get another ale?" I ask batting my eyelashes at him sweetly.

"Only because it's Christmas next week" he mumbles, a few seconds later someone places an ale down to me and I smile at the passing by witch.

"So how's it going on with you and Riddle?" Lucille asks, I take a sip from the drink lifting my eyebrow in question, my heart beginning to pound.

Every since the small argument in November me and Tom had been kind off soft spoken to each other, but now during exams we barely had time to talk anyways so it didn't really matter.

I look around the table realizing everyone was looking at me.

"Uh nothing we're friends?" I ask trying to stay subtle.

"Oh? Cause I hear you've been staying at his place quiet often" Lucille gives me an annoying smile

"I mean his rooms bigger, it's convenient -"

"Quiet a lot is an understatement, have you seen her dorm, it's almost cleared out. When was the last time you slept in your own room?" Rax says a very knowing tone in his voice, I think about it for a second, realizing it's been well over a month since I last slept in my own bed.

My eyes find Rax's, he narrows them at me and I swallow the lump in my throat.

"Look you all know how it goes. Me and Tom are just friends, we talked about it, he knows. Do I have to remind you all what happened when your parents found out you were dating that Hufflepuff?" I glance at Nott, silence comes over us.

Lucille and Archie are both purebloods, I remember how Archies Father looked when talking about Gryffindors.

Everyone at this table new how it went, everyone understood, if my parents found out I've been fucking Tom Riddle out of all people he would probably be found dead somewhere, or worse.

"I mean it's not like we're getting married, we're just having fun, plus he's Riddle it's not like he can fall in love anyways." I mutter shrugging, I cross my arms and sink into my chair.

When I look up their all awkwardly staring at the table, I from it's not like they don't know about Tom's past, everyone was talking about it during third year.

"Oy come off it, you all know what me parents would do if they found out I'm fucking a mudblood" I spit out angrily.

"Did not order me anything I see" I freeze, my entire body actually freezes, every fiber in my body turns to stone, my eyes water, my throat closes up, I realize they weren't thinking I was being cruel, I realize they weren't staring at the table because of me.

Tom is standing behind me, in his uniform which is as always clean and spotless, his tone doesn't give anything away, he flicks his wand and a chair moves toward him, he takes a seat between me and Archie, leaning over and grabbing my glass of ale.

I can't move, I can't breathe, can't look at him.

I want to throw up, maybe punch a wall, kill someone, because he heard, he heard and he thinks that's what I think, he thinks I think he is incapable of love, he thinks I think that he doesn't feel anything for me. I'm not entirely sure I don't think that but then I remember how I wake up every morning with his head buried in my neck, with his fingers playing with my hair, with his lips kissing up my skin, with his entire body embracing mine, warming me and keeping me close.

How would a person incapable of love, a person born through amortentia be able to wake me with a smile, whisper the sweetest words into my ear and make me laugh until it hurts, how is that not love?

But then I remember how he would drop my hand when someone was looking, how he would take a step back everytime anyone was near.

"Rax how much did you drink? We have practice tomorrow at seven, you too Dolohov."  Tom asks looking between them, the tension lifts, Nott begins to talk first, the others join, I snap out of myself a while later.

It's rather late when we get back, missing curfew by a few minutes, wrapped in our coats and one another we shuffle into the common room still cold from the walk up, Rax and Nott push some second years off a sofa and take over their chess set, Archie takes Lucilles hand and whispers something in her ear making her giggle and begin to walk away with him, as they pass us Archie pats Toms shoulder giving him a warm smile, Tom doesn't return it, just as cold as he always is he nods, then he looks at me, I stare back at him, my eyes watering again.

His brown eyes don't falter, they don't dare to show any signs of hurt.

"It is late. Let us go to bed" he says, again nothing in his voice.

I nod and begin to walk, it feels like forever until we reach his dorm, I pass the corridor towards mine, debating whether or not to enter, but before I can hesitate to stop, Tom takes my hand and keeps walking.

His dorm is warm, it smells like him with a hint of my perfume that is standing in the bathroom, because I put it there along with all of my things, because I haven't been to my own dorm in weeks because there is nothing that I've left to take back here.

I take my coat of, watching as he removes his tie and robe.

"Tom" I whisper softly, my shoulders dropping, my knees threatening to give out.

"I finished the history assignment, it's on the desk" he says, looking up while unbuttoning his shirt.

"Tom" I say again, even softer, my voice unable to make a sound.

He keeps looking at me, I can't help but cry, guilt and disgust washing over me, I drop my head into my hands and let out a soft sob.

"I'm so sorry" I whisper, I can't look up, I can't move and I can't stop crying.

"I shouldn't have said that please" I cry out, feeling my hands get wet.

I hear him take his shirt off then kick his shoes off and walk toward me, placing them by the door, he lingers beside me, I hear the soft thud of his head falling against the door.

I begin to wipe my tears, my fingers moving rapidly, my hands harsh against my own face, I want to hurt myself for saying those things, thinking about it makes me so sick I want to throw up.

I lift my head, still crying, still keeping my mouth closed so I don't scream.

"Do not cry" he whispers but that just makes me sob more.

"It is late, come one" he begins to move, taking my hand and pushing me with him, I can't look at him but he just gently makes me sit on the bed, then he kneels down and begins to take my heels off, he moves slowly, his hand wrapping around my ankle, he places the shoes by the door, then comes back and takes off my jumper, he lifts my hands, then moved toward the wardrobe and hangs it up beside my other clothes.

Then he comes back, reaches under my skirt, undoes the clip ons and begins to take the white leggins off I had worn to keep the cold away, he makes me sit up, then he take off the white shirt, pushing both of them on the floor, he grabs one of his T-shirt pulling it down over my head, unclipping my bra when he's done and throwing it on the floor aswell

He takes my skirt off, then still kneeling before me he waits.

"I'm so sorry" I whisper, heart aching.

"I know, please do not cry" he lifts his hands and wipes my tears away.

"Do not cry because of me" he whispers and I sob.

"I'm crying at myself because I was so horrible, I was so horrible to you, I was so horrible and told Greengrass that I wasn't with you. I was so horrible and wrote my parents me and Rax are friends again" I sob, my entire body hurting.

"You did not hurt me" he says placing his cold hands on my neck.

"You cannot hurt me, I am incapable of feeling" he says for a second time today I forget I am alive, I forget how to breath.

"You cannot hurt me with saying the truth, love" he makes me looks at him, smiling he leans up and kisses me. But it's cold and unloving, it taste like nothing, makes me feel nothing, it's nothing compared to every other kiss we have shared.

"I am profoudly tired" he says against my lips.

I nod, my tears have dried up, for a second I feel just like he says he does.