#vldlangst

The team doesn’t believe it. They heard - it only just, on the intercoms.

“He was so stupid!! He could have dodged it.. he could have...”

“Please, tell me it’s a joke... please, Lance... Buddy...”

“Cmon... say that dumb line!! That chant!!! Tron! Tron tron tron!!”

“Lance!!!”

The realization sinks in. He’s gone.

Back to Cuba.

The team takes him to his Mother’s home. They carry him down and his mother runs outside. She was excited at first, his friends brought him back again!! She had dinner ready and—

She howls out a scream and his family runs out after her.

She’s holding him now, and she rips off his helmet and hugs him tight. Her family tries to make her let go, she won’t. “Baby boy!” She cries.

And cries.

And cries.

The team back away and they see why he missed his family so.

3

Defenders of the Universe, huh?

Journal Date: Haven’t had one yet.  Whatever.  

I thought saving the universe would be a pretty killer job.  But, honestly, it’s more work and heartache than I was ready for.  So much for being a super cool hero, huh?  I’d rather be a nobody back home than this.

Between saving planets, almost dying and never quite being good enough to match the others, being a paladin basically sucks most of the time.  I mean, sure it’s kinda cool that we are saving aliens and making the universe a safer place or whatever, but I want to have friends again, damnit.  I want to be a normal goddamn teenager again.

My place within the Paladins has become relatively clear to me.  The others either forgot, or just don’t know, that I am smart.  So, I guess I should forget too, right?  After all, if my place isn’t as the castle’s jester, then what good am I?  Everyone else has someone.

Hunk has Pidge.  They are all sciencey together.

Keith has Shiro.  If I didn’t know better, I’d say they were brothers.

Allura has Corran.  I mean...obviously they are close.  They’re the only Alteans here.

I know I should be happy that I get to see everyone be happy.  But, sometimes it’s hard to defend a universe you don’t feel like you belong in.

As childish as it sounds, I just want to go home.  At home,  I belong.  There, I’m important.  I’m not just around to make someone laugh or let someone blow off steam.  

It’s stupid to miss somewhere you might not ever return but I really can’t help it most of the time.  At night, I just dream of being back again.  Getting to see everyone once more.  Not knowing the chaos that’s going on in our universe.  Heck, just not knowing that Earth might be destroyed at any given day would be better than this.

At least when I was on Earth, when I was anxious, I could tell stories to Allita and Fernán and it could calm my nerves.  Mom would make cinnamon tea and we would sit on the porch swing.  Sometimes we would say nothing and yet, I always felt better.  We would sit out there for hours and just enjoy the quietude of the outdoors until I felt calm enough to go back to...whatever I’d been doing.

But in space there is no cinnamon tea.  No porch swings.  No bedtime stories.  Space is just trial after trial and an endless night sky. I miss the sunrise. And the sunset.  I want to see it again.

Song for this chapter : Ursine Vulpine

6

I hope I don't need to remind you that the only reason you're here is that the best pilot in your class had a discipline issue and flunked out.

“What was that Lance?!”  Shiro shouts as the simulation ends.  Allura stands to the side, arms crossed over her chest.

“I thought I was in the right-”

“No, Lance.”  Allura cuts him off.  “If you spent half as much time practicing as you do mindlessly flirting with every creature you see, you would be far more in sync with the rest of the team.”

“But the whole point of this-”  Lance starts again.  He knows he followed protocol.  He did exactly what he was suppose to!  Why is he the one getting yelled at?

“It was a team exercise, Lance.”  Shiro tries to explain coolly.  “If it hadn’t been for Keith keeping his eyes open, Hunk would have bit it because of you.  You’re only lucky this was training.”

“Uh, guys, I don’t think-”  Hunk starts but is cut off by a ticked off Lance.

“Well, what?  Are you expecting me to be psychic or something now too?!”  He looks back and forth between Allura and Shiro with his arms held wide.  Lance knew the others usually worked a bit better together, but this was ridiculous.  It wasn’t his fault he didn’t know Hunk had gone off track.

“No, we expect you to pay attention to your partner in battle!”  Allura starts with one hand pointed toward him.  “Pidge was hidden and doing her job perfectly.  Hunk was your partner, you needed to defend him.  It should not be Keith’s responsibility to keep an eye open for you as well.  You need to carry your own weight.”  She doesn’t give Lance the opportunity to backlash before saying.  “Well, with that, training is complete for the day.”  Then storms off, obviously upset the paladins still weren’t working well enough together.

Lance bites his tongue and turns to head back to his room.  He wouldn’t show how angry he was.  It wasn’t anyone else’s fault but his own.  If Keith could do it, he should be able to as well, right?  Swallowing hard, Lance feels himself welling with tears.  The emotion was something between rage and disappointment and Lance wasn’t really sure how to deal with it.

Back in the training room, Hunk clears his throat.  “Uh, you guys know that was totally my fault, right?”  He laughs nervously.  “Like, I totally tripped and was trying to get back on track.”

“Shouldn’t Lance have been keeping his eyes open for you?”

“Well, that’s the thing, he had been.  I just messed up, you know, I was nervous and I think I was a bit hungry.”  Hunk admits bashfully.

Keith had remained quiet through most of this.  He is reminded, rather distinctly, of he and Lance’s earlier conversation.  Family always fights.  But, he remembered also the strangeness that followed after making statements about family.  Lance had hardly included himself in that.  Why?

Deciding it best to not get involved in the “who was right and who was wrong” debate, Keith walks down the hall to Lance’s room.  He knocks twice and waits for a while.  Lance doesn’t respond.  Keith knocks again before realizing the door wasn’t quite shut all the way.  It looked like Lance’s jacket had been plopped on the ground and managed to get trapped, leaving just enough space for the door to stay open.

Still a bit leery to enter Lance’s room without saying something, Keith clears his throat.  “Hey, uh, Lance?”

Lance is laying on the bed.  Headphones over his ears as he stares up at the ceiling. He isn’t crying, but he might as well be.  Both blue eyes are contrasted with swollen red veins and water dances at the edge of his eyelids.  At first, he doesn’t noticing Keith, but the instant he does, Lance jumps up and blinks hard before removing his headphones.

“What’s up, buddy?”  Lance says chipperly.  “Here to tell me how awesome you were today?”  He laughs a little.

“No.  I’m here because we’re family.”  Keith says awkwardly before taking a seat.  “Like you said, we all fight, right?”

“Yeah, I guess.”  Lance nods and tries to smile.  Keith had paid attention that night?  Heck, Lance hadn’t even convinced himself if it had been real.  “I just need to get better.”

“You’re fine, Lance.  Everyone is just stressed.”  He looks over to Lance and is suprised the typically boisterous teen is so quiet.

“Yeah.”  Lance agrees before sighing and looking over to Keith.  “I guess you’re right.”  He perks up again, replacing the tired look on his face with a brilliant smile.  Playfully smacking Keith’s shoulder, Lance laughs.  “Thanks, buddy.  I guess I really needed that.”

“Yeah.  Sure thing.”  Keith looks Lance over, trying to judge if his words had really made that much of an impact.  As far as he knew, this is how Lance always looked though.  Eyes big, toothy smile, confident.  So it must be right.  “Want me to hang out so you can vent?”

“Nah.  I was just gonna listen to some jams and take a nap.”  Lance shakes his head then pulls his headphones back up.  “I’ll see you at dinner.”

Journal

Date: June 10th probably.  If Earth months can apply out here.

Song for this chapter: I Don't Wanna Be In Love : by Dark Waves

9

Know your place and stay there.

Journal

Date: July 3rd  Why am I even keeping track of the dates?  Does it matter...really?

Of course I accepted Keith as the leader.  What else was I supposed to do?  Everyone keeps saying how proud they were of me for stepping back and allowing Keith to be the leader.  But if I can’t pilot the black lion then there really isn’t an argument.  I wasn’t meant to be the leader and we all know why.  

So, despite me knowing that training is totally Keith’s thing, I decided it’s my turn.  I waited until everyone was asleep and I trained… hard.  Sure, I’m not Keith or Shiro yet but if I keep it up I might get there.

And I’m not really wanting to be as good as either of them.  I just want to be good enough.  Realistic expectations and all that, right?

Mama always said to hope big, dream high and pass the sky.  My hopes were to get into the garrison.  I did that.  My dream was to be a pilot.  Bingo, got that too.  And, well, I’m pass the sky now.  

But now I don’t want to be pass the sky.  I want to be on the ground.  On my ground.

Knock knock

Lance stops writing and gets up to answer the door.  It has almost become ritual now.  He opens the door and meets Keith’s gaze.  Keith looks tired too.  And, obviously with good reason.  Today has been trying, to say the least.

He enters Lance’s room and says nothing.  Lance knows better than to ask him anything nowadays.  Instead, he just sits down beside him and starts to tell stories.  Somehow, they have started to help both of them.

“There was this one time,”  Lance starts as he leans back on his arms, looking toward the ceiling.  “When I was...probably seven or eight, that I thought I would be a show off and try swimming all the way out to Miami beach.”  He looks over to see Keith give him an ‘are you serious’ expression.  “No, really.  I thought I was gonna be the coolest kid ever.  It wasn’t that far right?”

“You weren’t the brightest kid were you?”

“I’m not the brightest now, what do you expect?”  Lance laughs again then waves his hand.  “Anyway, after a few miles, I realized this was a horrible idea.  So I turned back around, already tired, and figured I could make it back.”  He scratches his shoulder.  “And I did.  I made it back to the beach, believe it or not.  But I was so tired, I actually fell asleep in the sand.”

“That’s still pretty impressive for a kid you know.”  Keith has relaxed back against the wall.  He was curious where this story was going but didn’t show it.  

Lance decided he would sit back the same way.  “Well, my house was always so loud that they didn’t even realize I had been gone that long.”  He stops and waves his hands.  “I mean, I was gone for hours pretty regularly just playing outside, but this was like...half a day.”  Lance smiles when Keith seems to have an epiphany.

“That’s why you’re so obnoxious.”  He teases.

“No, that’s absolutely it.”  Lance responds seriously.  “You try growing up in a houseful of ten to twelve people at any given time and be quiet.  I guarantee it won’t end well.  We all got used to it.  Multiple conversations going on at once, talking over another conversation so you can input on another.  You have to be loud.”

“Oh.”  Keith looks surprised.  “I guess that makes sense.”

“Aaaanyway,”  Lance starts again, “one of the neighbors found me covered in sand, still sleeping on the beach and wrapped me in a towel to bring me home.  Mama was so worried until I told her what I tried to do.  Then she just yelled at me saying,”  Lance does his best to impersonate his mother, speaking in a thick, Spanish accent.  “What were you thinking?  If you want a vacation, you have to earn it!  And at least take a rowboat!”  Then he laughs again before sighing.  

“So what was the point of that story exactly?”  Keith looks over to Lance, watching him smile one of those different smiles and finds his heart skip a beat.  At the start of this journey, Lance had been the most aggravating, self-centered jerk he’d met.  But, over time, Keith has come to realize that wasn’t the case.  He always goes out of his way to check on the others, help give a smile when he can or listen when someone needs an ear.  Even if it’s just as small as helping Hunk try to cook some weird new meal or getting Pidge the tool she needs. Keith had to admit, it hadn’t taken all that long to question whether Lance really was as self centered as he pretended to be.  Saving Corran had shown it couldn’t that black and white.

“The point is,”  Lance yawns then stretches.  “Sometimes we know what we want, but have to have others there to lead us to do it the right way.”

“But I don’t want to be the leader.”

“But you do want to help people.  And you want to keep the team together, right?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, you might not want to lead, but obviously, out of all of us, you are best suited.”  Lance looks over at Keith and smiles.  “You might not want to hear it, but I think you’ll do great.”  He watches as Keith rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, did great.  Sure.”  Keith’s voice is dripping with sarcasm.

“Hey, I’m fairly sure we can all say today was not our best day.  It wasn’t just you.”

Keith nods but doesn’t say much else.  The sign that he’s getting tired, the typically quiet man grows even more quiet.  Knowing this, Lance decides he won’t talk anymore, rather, he will grab his headphones and just...sit.  After an hour goes by, Lance looks over to see that Keith has fallen asleep, sitting up against the wall.  Worried about Keith falling over and hitting his head, Lance is careful to lay him down before grabbing a spare pillow and blanket.

8

He’s gone.

Shiro is gone.

What do we do now?

Lance sighed as he looked out to the sunset on the planet the team had decided to stop on. They had done their business, saved the planet and whatnot, but Lance couldn’t bring himself to celebrate like the others were. His head had a killer headache, he was tired, and his back was stinging like he was laying on a bush of thorns.

He felt Dirty, it had been so long since he was able to keep proper care of his hygiene that he felt groggy almost all the time. His hands clenched together as he slunched over, blocking out the world around him. His heart started to hurt, he just wanted to go home. He was worrying about many things now. His family, his role as a paladin, his whole purpose...

Suddenly, a soft roaring hit Lance’s ears. His head shot up to the familiar sound... it sounded... it sounded like home.

He shot up and started to take off, almost in a blind daze as he sprinted to the sound, ripping off his helmet to hear it better. Suddenly, it was like he was home. His family on the beach and his nieces and nephews splashing each other in the water. His eyes watered as he ran faster to the water. Home! Home! His family!

He saw his Mama, on the beach, her feet soaking in the water like she always did to look at the sunset. He threw his helmet down into the sand as he ran too her. She turned and suddenly smiled, calling out to her son. “Mijo!!”

But when he ran to her embrace, instead of feeling her warmth and comfort, her image faded, disappearing like dust. His family on the beach, gone.

Lance stood in the waves as they crashed into his ankles, the sea water brushing through his untamed mess of hair. He let out a choked cry, before falling to his knees and yelling out his distress, visciously pounding into the cold sea water. Why, why, why WHY?! Why was he even there?! Why was he doomed with this fate of being unimportant?

Why couldn’t he be back on earth, still at the Garrison being a stupid Cargo Pilot? It would still be better than being here, a useless seventh wheel, a spare, with nothing to offer besides jokes that made the others think so little of him. It would be better than the uncertainty of his family still even being ALIVE when he got back.

Lance didn’t know how long he stayed in that position for, just crying his eyes out, before he felt a soft touch on his back. He quickly wiped his face and let out a soft laugh,”Hah, what’s up, Mullet? Are we leaving so soo—“

Lance was frozen, he didn’t know what to do, Kieth was giving him a hug.

“Don’t hide so much. I’m sorry you feel this way. You’re important. Don’t lie to yourself like this.”

Lance felt his chest tighten before roughly pulling Kieth closer and crying into his shoulder, shaking and sputtering out his worries.