#vld james

Keith felt his heart race while his breathing picked up. He couldn't stop fixating on his thoughts and they were driving him crazy. For the past eight hours it's been the same fucking thing.

Panic swelled in his chest as he tried to think it over-- did he hurt James? Was he a bad boyfriend? Did he secretly abuse James and didn't know it? Was James dishonest or didn't know any better?

Tears welled in his eyes as he scrolled past a message he sent to James during a disagreement. It was petty; basically Keith pushing James away and acting moody, saying something among the lines of "Can you just leave me alone?"

In the moment, he said it because he was overwhelmed and anxious. James seemed exasperated but told him to take his time. Either way, they ended up talking about it and Keith apologized. James said that he was fine and he was just worried. It was small.

But now Keith felt terrible.

What if that was emotional abuse and James doesn't realize? He needs to check.

Before he could stop himself, he went on Google and looked up signs of emotional abuse in relationships. He was on articles... then Reddit... Then threads... Then Quotev... All of which provided him with more uncertainty.

Yeah, he was emotional-- did that make him abusive? He did get snappy at times. Someone said that was abusive and other people said it wasn't. How did he know he wasn't abusing James? He pushed him away-- was he punishing James? No, no. He was just stressed... But what if he was secretly punishing James and forgot about it? And regardless of intentions, can't he still be abusive?

Does James just put up with it? Maybe he doesn't realize... People on Reddit said they didn't realize their exes were abusive until later.

He needed to make sure.

Between all his thinking and anxiety flipping in his chest, he didn't hear James walk up from behind him.

"Baby? What are you doing?"

Keith jumped at the sudden voice in the room. He turned around from where he stood in the kitchen, James looking at his tear stricken face and shaky hands with concern in the doorway.

Wiping his tears away rapdily, he weakly dismissed his concern with, "Nothing, I'm fine," Then turned away to hide his face.

James frowned, walking up to his boyfriend before turning him around by his shoulders. "You aren't fine, you're crying. Seriously, what's the matter?" He held Keith's chin, his eyes analyzing for something that told him why Keith looked like he just killed a man.

Guilt hit Keith like a tidal wave-- he couldn't tell James. That was manipulative. He wouldn't be honest about if he hurt him if he asked and saw him crying.

But he also wanted the reassurance...

But what if he was lying?

"Keith." James gave him a gentle shoulder shake, making him jump. His face softened but he repeated the question, "What's wrong? Say something. Come on..." He coaxed softly, brushing a thumb against Keith's cheek.

For a moment, Keith just stood there and sniffled, unable to look James in the eye. He wanted to keep quiet, but his anxiety was too high-- he needed to ask.

"I think I'm abusive..." He murmured out wetly, the lining of his eyes red whereas his face was painted like that of a guilty puppy.

James' eyebrows flew up his face. "Wow-- that was not what I was expecting. Why do you think that?" He asked.

Keith's shoulders shook, the anxiety and shame swirling in him. Why couldn't he just be a good person?

The little bit of composure he had snapped. Tears rolled down his cheek as his voice got tighter and he started breaking down, "I-I to-ld you t-to leave me-me alone a fe-few months ago a-and I didn't real-ize h-how horrible I wa-was--" He blubbered out with hiccuping sobs only for his shoulders to shake harder in pure sadness and guilt.

Nothing he did ever felt right.

Then, he was suddenly brought into a bone crushing hug. A small, choked gasp was pulled from him as his head was tucked into James' neck like he was protecting him from the world-- his thoughts.

"Oh Keith, you're being weird again." He ran a hand through his dark locks as he swayed him back and forth, the gentle motion shaking some anxiety out of Keith.

The familiar tease accompanied by the caring, tender action made him absolutely melt with a wobbly lip.

"I'm just so ex-exhausted," He sniffled, resting his cheek against James. If there was one thing Keith didn't like, it was self-pity, but right now everything just felt so unfair.

James hushed him wordlessly, pressing his lips against his temple. "I know, I know... You need to take your meds and listen to your therapist, baby." Of course: Keith wasn't the best listener.

The words made him feel small, making him tuck his face into James more. He knows he did-- he knows. It's just hard...

"I'm sorry..." He managed to croak out, soaking in the way James held him in a way he felt like he didn't deserve.

Shaking his head, James smoothed his bangs over before placing a soft kiss on his head. "Stop. You're fine." His voice hissed out only for his arms to squeeze Keith again.

Oddly enough, James bothered, yet caring attitude did more than expected for Keith's anxiety. It wasn't reassurance, which was good since his therapist said that was bad to ask for, but it wasn't dismissal either. It was something in-between.

"Why is this so hard?" Even though he was asking, he already heard the answer in various forms. It was OCD, it was hardwork, it was a learned behavior, it was--

"Because you think too much and you need to stop," He pulled away and gripped Keith's shoulders firmly. Keith sniffled and looked at him timidly. "I love you. You're fine, Keith. So just let me hug you, okay?" His hand cupped his face with a fierceness that left Keith unable to doubt him.

Hesitantly, Keith wrapped his arms around him and muttered, "Okay... Thank you..." A wet sniffle came from his nose when James squeezed him.

"There ya go... I'm here for you..." He kissed the side of his head.