We received so many more questions than we could properly respond to in one sitting, so here we go for part 2. From immigration to some very intimate questions, we respond to them all!
Q: Is it true that everyone in Yara can fix cars?
A: Surely not everyone, but general car repair is a crucial skill to learn early in life when available cars are old and likely to break down. If you do need your car repaired though, please go to a mechanic shop. There are plenty around Yara.
Q: Where can i buy cigars?
A: You can buy cigars at local shops or from stands in public squares and markets. However, it is worth mentioning that many Yarans smoke Mexican tobacco as most of our tobacco fields have been taken over by the Viviro™ industry and may or may not contain a compound used in its production that may or may not cause your eyes to bleed and your brain to fry. Something to keep in mind if you are purchasing a souvenir for uncle Bob.
Q: I want to move to Yara. Any advice?
A: Yes. Stay home. No offense but most foreigners could not handle Yara full time. It’s all fun and games for a few weeks, but you would need to deal with hurricanes, shortages of every kind, the bureaucracy is a nightmare.. we’re not even talking about the housing crisis, the constant economic collapse. Honestly, a lot of Yarans are trying to get the f out of here you wanna come in?! You could always get a non paying job at an Outcast camp if this is truly your dream. They’ll take anybody. You don’t even need to speak Spanish. Otherwise, stay home. You are happy there.
Q: Can you go surfing?
A: Of course! Although jetskis are much more popular and readily available to rent and use.
Q: I want to do a Cruise, but I hate going on boats. What do you recommend?
A: Helicopter tours! - Check it out!
Q: Are there any hospitals? How is the healthcare?
A: We have hospitals and field clinics. Travelers may access medical services as long as they do not have a criminal record. People with a criminal history or history of civil disobedience are not entitled to receive care. (Doctors and nurses can actually lose their licenses and be thrown in jail if they assist you. It’s harsh, we know, but we don’t make those rules.)
If you do suffer an injury or fall ill while traveling in Yara and you believe you do not qualify for healthcare, you can find an unlicensed field clinic that may be able to provide care for a price. But keep in mind, those installations are not always the cleanest. They do what they can.
Editor's Note: Here is one such unlicensed "field clinic" doing what they can.
Q: What do I do if someone tries to sell me crap on the beach?
A: Whatever you do, just be polite. Those people are simply trying to make a living. ‘No, gracias,’ goes a long way. Or perhaps do consider parting with a couple of pesos. Consider it your gift to our beautiful country.
Q: Why is it raining? Isn’t yara supposed to be a tropical country?
A: Hello, hurricane season. We are a Caribbean island and do have a rainy season which spans from about May through November. If you were here in September or October, chances are you got rain.
Q: do they eat dogs in Yara?
A: NO! We do have feral dogs but dogs are not a source of protein for most Yarans in normal times. There are backwoods cantinas that prepare and serve coyote meat but this is not a dish we could recommend.
Q: Are there any vegan restaurants? What do you recommend?
A: Veganism isn’t quite as widespread or popular in our country yet. Meat and fish remain the staple diet in Yara out of necessity. We are unable to recommend any vegan restaurant at this time. Lo siento.
Q: Is Yara LBGTQ friendly?
A: This is always quite the touchy subject because I am obliged to say that “Love is Love” is not quite a thing yet in our country, not for lack of effort to change things on the part of many of our citizens. Same sex marriage is not recognized nor legal in Yara at least at the time this article was written.
That being said, there are some drag shows that the government sponsors in an effort to appear more progressive and open-minded. There is at least one known underground gay bar but we are unable to share its location in order to protect the privacy and safety of the Yarans that may frequent said establishment. All and all, LGBTQ+ travelers, with a bit of research and a lot - a lot!! - of discretion may yet find that Yara’s queer community is alive and well, if away from the public eye.
Q: I don’t speak Spanish. Can I still travel to Yara?
A: Most Yarans are bilingual as English as a second language is taught throughout elementary school. There are some bilingual signs and all public announcements are played in Spanish and in English. As for other languages, we know of a small Russian-Yaran community and perhaps a minority of multilingual people but we cannot make assumptions that any language other than Spanish and English will be widely understood.
Q: Can I speak to the manager?
A: If by manager you mean El Presidente de Yara, this is not something we would recommend attempting. Grievances could be addressed with the PDP (Protectorado de Defensa de la Patria) but this is not something we would recommend doing either.
Q: What’s the best sniper rifle?
A: We are in no way gun experts and do not condone violence of any kind.
Q: Why are all the clocks set to 6:13?
A: That’s an urban legend.
Editor's Note: ...
Q: Why are yaran chicks so hot?
A: Because it’s hot in Yara.
Q: Are the men circumcised?
A: Ehhh I haven't had the chance to interview every man in Yara to find out but from my brief compulsory military service where privacy is practically nonexistent, I wanna say, mostly no?
Editor's Note: Do we edit that one out?
Q: Is it true that cockfighting is legal? Why are you so backwards and barbaric?
A: Whether cockfighting is officially legal is debatable. The authorities are surely aware of tournaments occurring, they just don’t care. It is in no way everyone’s cup of tea and it isn’t a national sport or anything, more of an underground thing. There are known fighting rooster breeders such as Álvarez Farm and Esmeralda Eco Farm but don’t go to that one. Just.. don’t.
Q: Can I get a refund if it rains?
A:¿Puedo obtener un reembolso si las personas me hacen preguntas tontas? The rainy season in the Caribbean runs from late May through November. Perhaps you would enjoy a nice vacation on the surface of the Sun instead? Book your tickets here.
Q: Are there any coconut trees in Yara? I once went to Fiji and was too afraid to leave my room because I have a phobia of a coconut falling from a tree and killing me.
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If you explore Yara long enough, chances are you will encounter crocodiles along the coastline as well as inland around rivers and lakes. In this article, you will learn about Yara’s crocodiles, their importance in our society as well as some safety tips if you ever find yourself face to face with these majestic but dangerous creatures.
Species: Yaran vs Yanqui
Yaran Crocodile
Indigenous to our country, they are smaller than their American counterparts with a longer snout and generally live and hunt in small groups (basks? A float? I’m sure there is a fancy word for a bunch of crocs other than run!)
American Crocodile
They are HUGE. More than triple the size of our indigenous crocs. They emit a deep rumbling sound when disturbed. American crocodiles were introduced into Yara by the Castillo administration for reasons unknown.
American Crocodile vs fighting roosters.
Size comparison Yaran vs Yanqui crocs.
Importance in Yaran Society
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There is so much to say about crocodiles. We do try and keep these articles as concise as possible, but there is a lot to cover.
Crocodile Farms
Our crocodile farms are more intended as tourist attractions rather than actually raising crocodiles. There are several of them across the island as well as theme parks. Too many to show them all but notable attractions include:
Ortega Croc Farm where you can sit and enjoy a meal while watching crocodiles go about their crocodile business. This farm also holds a special mixed breed croc named “Beatriz” on display.
Ortega Croc Farm in Aguas Lindas, Madrugada featuring Beatriz.
Serpentino Park on Cortina River features breathtaking habitats where you can encounter crocodiles in their natural environment. Guided tours may be offered. Check schedules at the visitor centre. Bring mosquito repellent.
Serpentino Park on Cortina River, Costa del Mar, Madrugada.
Hunting and Food Source
People hunt them for food as much as they hunt humans for the same reason.
Pop-culture and the Arts
Croco-Taxi: These novelty taxis are obviously aimed at tourists. The idea was borrowed from our Cuban neighbours but we like to pretend we came up with it.
Sculptures: Yarans from the upper class will commission impressive sculptures featuring crocodiles as a display of power and wealth.
Paintings of crocodiles in a rich gusano's bathroom and office space.
"Art Nouveau:" Taxidermy...not sure how well I would sleep with a dead croc hanging over my bed, but to each his or her own.
Habitat and Conservation
Crocodiles are everywhere even if you can’t always see them.
Yaran crocodiles silently gliding under a fishing boat, Cortina River, Costa del Mar.
Despite our government’s every effort to protect crocodile habitats, there has been occurrences of toxic spills as a consequence of Viviro™ production with disastrous impact on wildlife, including crocodiles.
A mutated crocodile in Cienaga Nublada National Park - Cocodrilo Swamps, Balaceras, Valle de Oro.
Guerrilla Warfare
Crocodiles have been utilized in guerrilla warfare - from tossing chunks of meat into military bases to attract wild crocodiles to actually training them as attacking combatants.
Safety Around Crocodiles
We don’t really need to tell you that crocodiles are dangerous animals but let’s stress the fact anyway. - We are working on a Crocodile Safety Instructional Video which will be made available in the near future. Stay tuned.
In the meantime, if you do find yourself in the murderous clutches of a crocodile, here are a few tips to increase your chances of survival:
You will want to press into the roof of the crocodile's mouth to release/loosen its grip..
Remove your body part from the mouth as fast as possible and clock the thing in the eye..
Then kick as hard as you can and run away.
As you see, crocodiles are truly a part of the very fabric of Yara and, like them or hate them, they are unlikely to go anywhere anytime soon. Yara is their island and we just live on it.
Editor's Note: Loco por los Cocodrilos
Some crazy cabrón held a funeral for his pet croc.
Some even crazier cabrón had a relationship with his pet croc and he … well .. you don’t wanna know. She ate him in the end and she lived happily ever after. Or not. She was shot. What’s wrong with people?
To learn more about activities, places, events, and all things Yara, follow us here and on all major social media. You can also check out our Content Index to find more articles of interest. Stay safe, mi gente.
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Are you going to the town of Segunda soon? You wanna help VisitYaraToday? Submit your best VP of Segunda landmarks and your shots could be featured in next month’s article.
This is unpaid opportunity as the Yaran government gives us zero budget for this. Shots must be of buildings and landmarks in Segunda, Cruz Del Salvador, preferably in good weather. You may submit your shots through DM or by Reblogging this post and adding your shots. You will be credited for the pictures used in the article or any subsequent articles.
Beautifully painted sign at the entrance of the town, Segunda, Cruz Del Salvador, Valle de Oro; Picture by @mynonsenseistingling.
Segunda is the largest city in the province of Cruz Del Salvador in the central region of Valle de Oro. It is home to music, culture, and is rich in our history. This article will take you on a virtual tour of this bustling and lively city.
Main Attractions
Architecture, Shops, etc
There is not one main attraction in Segunda. Rather many small streets surrounding a central square, El Toro Square, featuring brightly painted buildings of Spanish colonial architecture. Taking a stroll through the streets of Segunda is considered by many the town’s main attraction, where you will find shops, restaurants, bars, and old classic cars. The people of Segunda are generally quite friendly and approachable.
FND Recruitment Offices building, Segunda.
Another Church with no name, let's call it La Iglesia de Segunda
One of many businesses in Segunda; Picture by @mynonsenseistingling.
Awh the classic cars... What would be life in Yara without them?
A tourist takes a picture in El Toro Square, Segunda.
And of course, who says public town square says some fellow trying to sell you something. However, Segunda being much more touristy, you will find people selling refresco, food, and of course cigars. Buy some!
Where to Stay
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We searched long and hard but were unable to locate any good places to stay within Segunda. The closest venues are located a short drive around El Tiburón Lagoon. There is a peninsula with many options including the prestigious El Tigre Dormido Hotel. Check local listings for pricing and availability. Also we were told the pool might be closed for maintenance.
El Tigre Dormido Hotel, Burros Bay, Cruz Del Salvador, Yara.
Where to Eat
Good eateries are not hard to find around the city. Just walk around and you will come across many cafes and cantinas. We recommend the Taberna El Escritor Jalado among others.
Taberna El Escritor Jalado, Opened during curfew hours; Segunda.
If you are in the mood for a little adventure and want to try something different, you can check out Los Langostinos Cafe located a short drive north of the city. As the name suggests, they serve fresh langoustines. This author has not personally tried it due to an allergy to shellfish but it looks like a decent place with a large terrace overlooking an old plantation that is still operational today. Plenty of parking at the bottom of the hill and you will need to climb a few stairs to get there, but it’s good para tu trasero.
Los Langostinos Cafe, Cruz Del Salvador, Valle de Oro, Yara.
Art and Culture
Mural painted on the side of a building, Segunda, Yara.
Mural by local artist, Segunda; Picture taken by @mynonsenseistingling.
You will toss a pebble in Segunda and find a beautiful mural or piece of art by local artists. (But not the metal statues. We do not talk about the metal statues.)
This authoritarian-looking monument was apparently given to Yara by the, at the time, USSR, in 1974 and represents “the country’s new, modern pursuits born from its past” or something; Picture by @mynonsenseistingling.
Historical stuff square
You will find an inner courtyard with various artifacts and plaques with bits and pieces of our history. You can go read them but in a nutshell, they recount how Segunda used to be surrounded by many sugar plantations in the 1800’s. “Settlers in the Caribbean used rum as currency in the New World.” Slaves were brought into Yara from east Africa by the Spanish settlers to work the sugar cane plantations. A pretty common historical thread among Caribbean nations except ours has a little bit more “controlling” leaders.
Segunda After Hours
The streets are dead after hours, mainly due to the curfew in place. Curfew starts at 9:00pm and is in effect until 6:00am. But it is not hardcore psycho curfew and it is certainly not as violently enforced as in other towns, but there are armed soldados patrolling after dark.
They will ask you where you are going and may apprehend you if you are visibly inebriated or if they’re just in a mood and they don’t like your face.
A citizen breaking curfew is being searched. She may or may not have a bad day;
However, despite the curfew order in Segunda, on some evenings, government approved live music shows are still running at a bar that is mainly frequented by military service men and women. Maybe that's why they aren't tooooo adamant about enforcing it.
Segunda: A City Divided
Segunda is an interesting place because the people are very polarized when it comes to politics. Perhaps because there is an FND Recruiting Office in town, there is a particularly strong pro-Castillo sentiment amongst citizens. Wear a blue scarf in the street, and you might even be cat-called a traitor.
Pro-Castillo rallies are common in El Toro Square, Segunda, Yara.
This is met by an equally vehement anti-Castillo sentiment, visible in the many anti-government graffiti and general disobedience and mischief. However, this should not affect you as a tourist. Avoid appearing overly pro or con and generally try to leave our politics to our people. This is true across the rest of Yara as well.
We hope that you enjoyed this tour of Segunda. For more information on activities, places, events, and all things Yara, consult our content index at the top of this page. Follow this page and come back often for more content!
This photo encompasses all of the chaotic beauty that is Segunda in one glance.
Special Acknowledgement
A special thanks to our guest photographer, @mynonsenseistingling, who graciously provided some of the shots for this article and for being one of our agency’s first and most faithful supporters.
A side road to Segunda; Picture by @mynonsenseistingling
Editor's Note:
We did visit inside of the FND Recruiting Office. The lady at the counter gave us the side eye.
And later on, some FND recruiter briefly took us in his car. Poor fellow probably thought we were interested in enlisting. Sorry, hermano. Already did our time and paid our dues. Sweet ride though.
Himno Nacional Yarano : Learn our National Anthem with English translation
An Introduction - Includes "Things to Know Before Visiting Yara
Santo Gusto Café Company
Complete Viviro™ Tour ( Available on our YouTube channel)
From Our YouTube Channel:
The Segunda Hangover: What NOT to do in Yara
Storytime with Philly Barzaga: How Chorizo Got His Wheels
Dr. Yanny Dábolos' Shock Therapy
Complete Viviro™ Tour NEW
