#vilija

=> Na východnom a na nejakej časti stredného Slovenska sa tento deň označuje ako vilija alebo vigilija. Toto označenie je odvodené od latinského slova vigília, čo znamená v predvečer sviatku.

I'm perplexed, irrational, but at the same time a pretty altruistic human-being (well, let's be bold or go home, right?)

You can have some of the most beautiful memories in the darkest corner of your mind 

I really can't hate anyone

I'm able to go above the introverted-self in order to achieve a certain goal

Give without expecting ANYTHING in return

NO MORE COMPARISON 

I can ‘smell’ an ugly personality

Less is more in most of the cases 

Compartmentalize my mind

Lead and to be listened to

Feel and appreciate the nature

Love myself even when I'm not that lovable 

Be outspoken and brutally honest if needed 

Eco-friendliness 

Consciousness 

Plant-based nutrition 

Some guitar chords

Identify trees by their leaf 

Approach people first 

Structure my workload (Thank God!) 

Minimalistic lifestyle

Most importantly, I have learnt to be myself, who is sometimes a b_tch, inappropriate, preposterous and do have dark urges.

Lots of love, 

Vilija

It's been a long time since you heard from me. I somehow didn't feel like sharing or I just didn't want to (being super frank). While taking part in all kind of social activities (which I find quite emotionally draining) I've learnt that I've grown as a person in the last half a year. Apparently, I can be an initiator or even the driving force, not the strongest you've ever encountered, but still a force, which has an ability to steer people towards bigger waters. Well, being fair enough it was me who has lately been trying to be as accepting and open for any changes as possible. This turn has been fostered by my effort to cultivate my personal traits such as courage, which kinda lets me to subdue the need to justify my demeanor. I can even say that my inner will to tame the need of validation pushes me to go with the feelings. On the other hand, maybe that is just the effect of autumn, which has always been my dearest love.

Moreover, it might seem like an odd statement, but I'm still learning that it's okay to be written off or left in the margins. In other words, you can't be everyone's cup of tea. No need to say I'm not a saint either and I've written people off several times. However, I believe there's always a reason even if it's preposterous (story of my life), or some kind of subconscious struggle that induces people to convey their thoughts in a negative way. In the last few months I did some things that took some courage, which is one of the things I personally bereft. I submitted a poem for competition, I helped an artist and painted on a massive wall for the first time ever, I opened up to people with who I am not close, I've started the application process for the Erasmus Mundus master degree (yay), oh and I organised a successful event at the Stadsbibliotek.

Talking about the existential joys I've lately rediscovered the delight of audio books and podcasts. I've got hooked on listening to heavier and time to time mind-blowing pieces, which have been shaping my mind-set and views for years. For instance, half a year ago l started listening to BBC Soul Music podcast, which is all about the most exceptional songs with a powerful emotional impact. I'd totally recommend you give it a try and feel the mellow voices of the speakers. The first episode I listened to was about the song 'Hallelujah' and its lyrics that aren't so innocent.  

Most importantly, whenever I click play and begin listening to this podcast I get an infusion of inspiration, which allows me to believe in myself (I know that does sound confusing). What do I mean by the infusion of inspiration? - I've started painting the door of my cabinet (and it looks damn good). P.S. Don't get overwhelmed by the accent, it benefits your brain! and yes, I do prefer the british accent (giggling) Getting back to the real world ... I've got less than four months 'till my project finishes... I must say that is not the most pleasant realisation ever. The time is ticking...

Hej People!

WARNING: Don’t worry I’m not going to vent again

I’m trying really hard to enjoy the ‘summery weather’ we’ve got going in Borås, however, apparently I’m allergic to something out there, in the air, therefore I kinda feel like writing and creating today.

Do you remember me telling you that time to time I note my entangled thoughts?

So, I wrote a poem and I don’t really know so many people who could possibly  comprehend it, or at least interpret it in some way, please be my guest and read it out loud.

P.S. Feel free to hate it or neglect its existence

No Hesitation

No hesitation is not a code for fearless apprehension, nor starvation

It is only a tad in the ocean full of doubts and lost affection

Why are you frightened so much when there is no fortuity that someone will take your salvation and turn it into a false translation

Brace yourself and relish what others have ever given you and stop seeking for existential liberation

All you need is solitude in order to feel again someone else’s heart pulsation

I hope at least one person will bother to read my verses.

Go crazy and live your fullest,

I've always been drawn to solo activities, however the thing is I've got a tendency to quit and move on very rapidly. I haven't even learnt to swim properly 'cos I just simply preferred to gaze at children and see how the water makes them feel. To be honest, the only sort of combined activity I'm hooked on is reading and writing, or in other words noting my a bit incoherent thoughts. Although, that is going well (clapping my hands), and I can sense some personal development, I still yearn for something more manifest and educative.

For this reason and since time is running really fast up here, I've come with an idea to learn to play an instrument (or at least try) and execute a personal project. Hopefully, that will somehow mark my stay in Sweden or give a bit more profound meaning to it. Frankly speaking, all these resolutions have somehow been induced by a friend of mine who told I look like someone who will leave a personal footprint in this insane world. However, as much I want it to happen, I'm lacking self-esteem or I just simply need others to believe in me too. Nevertheless, let's face the bitter reality, which indicates that most of the people (NOT ALL) who belong to Y generation, including myself have the perfectionist syndrome that crawls upon you unexpectedly and always manages to tight your hands whenever you get 'oh this feels so right' thing going on.

As much as I would love to state something contrary, I'm not good at fighting such demons. Whenever I feel that anxiety or 'I'm loosing it all' feeling is coming to my town I try to make an in-depth research and see if there are any new works written on that topic or if there are some new practical advices I'd apply in real life. However, most of the times I rely on the same method of deep breathing and drinking tea, which I always manage to spill. I think there's such a say - it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks. On the other hand, I think everything is relatively hard, but gradually achievable. I've just read what I have written so far, I think I should dear to call myself an idealist and a 'walking contradiction' who always over scrutinizes her life.

By the way, I'm aware of the fact that I've already shared too much information, but I feel this bad urge to spill everything loud and clear, without any hidden agenda.

Besides, lately I've been questioning and nagging myself about the choices I've made in my life since this 'go with the flow' thing isn't working for me anymore. As much as I love being an utterly free creature, time to time I think: how'd it feel to have home (I'm not talking about 4 walls) where someone's always waiting for you or to know where is exactly home is within me without any compass, nor coordinations.There had been times when I believed that all imperative answers are hidden between the lines of my favorite authors' books and in their contemplations. I believed that Kafka, Rilke or even Bukowski will whisper the right words of wisdom and divert me towards this elusive tranquility or enlightenment that will eventually occupy my whole body. Guess what, that never ever happened. Well let's be squarely clear, I've just simply stopped searching for salvation in other people's words and started listening to my own. Don't get me wrong, I still sincerely admire and even marvel those grand minds and I'll read and re-read their masterpieces 'till my vision allows me.

Most importantly, I've finally realised that this constant need to change my whereabouts might be only a cover-up or this great deceit from my own solitariness and inability to answer some philosophical questions that've been bugging me since I pieced together how this word actually functions. Oh well.. (pardon my jumping thoughts) my eye has just caught this quote which beautifully compliments my text and basically says that you might wanna learn how to make your ordinary life a bit more extra - ordinary.

“Fall in love with ordinary. Fall in love with the everyday. Fall in love with brown eyes and small towns and a hand full of dandelions. Discover. Discover the crevices. Read the books that aren’t so popular, by little known authors who have a lot to offer. Listen to music that makes you think. Choose art that is buried in the corner of galleries, or on the street. Teach yourself to love the small things. The special but unnoticed things. Teach yourself how the ordinary is not so ordinary after all.” —Sue Zhao [#NoteToSelf] 

In spite of this semi-negative ranting, I'm almost satisfied with how open-mined (yes, open-minded) and voracious for new adventures my inner apprehensions have made me. By the way, did you know that courage in latin originally meant to speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.

Take care,