#vilathara

Looking at your tag, I’m just gonna have to add:

Saw Revilion again. He asked me what was wrong. I told him. Trisbaine and Vila are married now, not that it truly changes much. They were always the most important light in the other’s life, and I should be happy that they’ve promised to burn together for the rest of time.

But I also feel sorrow. They are a unit that I can’t be part of. I can’t expect them to let me in as they would let the other in. I really am happy for them—but also jealous. I haven’t lost friends. I know that. But I can’t ever hope to be as close to them as I was. They have each other.

The look on Ardanta’s face when Gin is mentioned bothers me all the more for it. I’m worried she’s falling for him. I’m worried he’ll return it. After just a few weeks I’ll lose another person I’m close to and I’m not ready to lose her like that.

Selfish. So damned selfish. Revilion is right about that. Things don’t go the perfect way I hope, I don’t get what I want, I become upset. I have all of these feelings and desires to be close to people, I want them to let me love them. I want to be important to them as they are important to me. I want them to know and appreciate each other as well, and I’m frustrated that my family can’t always see the value of my friends outside the coalition. Sometimes I feel that I’ll never win unless I chain myself to the persons within it, make my friends and family one and the same.

I said to him that it was the main reason I left him. That they didn’t approve. It was one of them, but I shouldn’t have said it. I wanted him to grow and be free. That was also true.

He can’t get me the meeting with the minister, either. Not even the command of my full name was enough to sway her, so I need another plan. I shouldn’t have yelled at him. That wasn’t fair. He’s trying to be useful.

I moved into the Queensdale house today, but not before the world proved to me once again that I’m not allowed to have both friends and family at once. Gin and Ardanta came to the Source to help move some items—though, I didn’t know Gin was coming. Situations being what they are with the coalition (and unfortunately it seemed that the situation managed to get worse on the exact day they were there, because my timing is impeccable as always), I’m cautious about inviting humans to the town.

Oaken was dubious about my friendship with Gin. He listens too much to rumour. They serve as a warning, and I understand that—but I’ve known Gin long enough to see a little more beyond the manwhore reputation he’s earned. He’s been good to me. I explained as much to Oaken, but my points may have been null when Gin decided to have a go at Vila over telling Delina what to do.

I agree that Delina shouldn’t have been allowed to take herself to the training yard with a sword at that exact moment. I also agree that maybe it’s not Vila’s job to tell Delina what to do. I offered her a compromise, but Gin already saw Vila as controlling and that sparked his anger.

Why can my friends and my family never get along?

I couldn’t cope with it. Not after Oaken’s thorough reminder that the coalition is entirely unable to help with my quest. Vailynt asked if anything was wrong, but the last thing I needed was a follow up lecture from someone who truly knows how to make words hurt. Maybe I’ll take him up on that offer of a drink. When things are better.

9. Describe your perfect mate

Dwayna’s tits, that’s a complicated question. I feel ridiculously shallow even considering possible answers, so let me preface it with this: this is in an ideal perfect world and it’s going to sound horrendously shallow. There are some features I appreciate that I wouldn’t be sad weren’t there for the right person. I suppose that’s the most important point, the right person changes everything.But here we go. We’ll start with arms. I really like arms. Strong, muscular arms, and I love companions who are taller than me. A little softness around the belly is endearing and comfortable, and again—firm, muscular legs. I don’t find weight unattractive, but I adore the feeling of a person who works hard to keep themselves fit and combat-ready. I love strength. I love the potential power coiled within those limbs, and we’ll get to that again later.Facial features aren’t important, with the exception of chin-twigs and beards on males. They just annoy me. On humans I love hair. The longer the better, I love the feel of it, I love playing with it. It’s more of something I wish I had myself, but if I can find that in a mate that allows me to play with it, I suppose that’s close enough. Personality, though, this is what I truly want. I want someone who isn’t afraid to challenge me, and fight me if they have to. I want someone I can’t control, but who operates on a code of honour that I can respect. I want someone who believes in never giving up, doesn’t excuse the things I’ve done (but loves me anyway), someone who gives and receives affection freely but doesn’t crave it at all times. I need someone independent, but who loves to cuddle while sleeping. I need someone who can call me out when I’m being ridiculous, tell me when I’ve fucked up, and reason with me. I need someone who can show me logic when I’m being irrational. I need someone who knows what they want and who isn’t afraid to walk away if I’ve really screwed up.I need someone who watches and learns, someone who will know how to make me smile on the worst days. Someone who can find the secret to calming me. Someone who will help me, but also let me help them. Someone who will share their life with me and let me be their partner. Someone who can be everything to me, and I can be everything for. I want someone I can stand on the field with an feel safe, I want someone who will run with me until we’re both out of breath and laughing. I want to fall asleep with my head on their chest and listen to them breathe, and know they are there. And it certainly doesn’t hurt if they’re able to throw me around a bit. I want someone I know I can’t break. I’m very attracted to strength.

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?All of them? When I first encountered Keiranon I really had no idea what was going on. I’d never felt that drawn to anything that wasn’t cake before, so it was a shock. Revilion was supposed to be one of those flings you have in the city, that more than questionable decision that the people back home would never approve of (and most of them never did). When it first began it was just a bit of dirty fun behind his girlfriend’s back, I don’t think either of us were prepared for how far it would go. The most unexpected though I suppose would be the women. I’m finding myself more drawn to them lately, a few ill-fated flings with women that utterly captivated me kind of had that effect. I suppose the first opened my eyes to what a strong woman could do for me, the second proved it wasn’t a fluke. And it’s much harder to compare them to Revilion, I feel less… awkward? with women than I do men.