(9 already answered!)

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?Not currently. I did--but that was more a craving for some sort of touch and comfort than it was an actual romantic crush. Everything is good on that front. Trying to put all the romantic nonsense to one side for a while, I don’t have the time for it and it doesn’t seem to matter what I do, it just ends up hurting.Going to do what I do best. Work. I’m statistically less likely to completely fuck that up than I am any sort of relationship.

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?I don’t suppose I have? I mean, I had scars removed some time back. They were on my face and I couldn’t deal with it. I don’t like scars. They’re little reminders that I forgot to duck and failed at healing the area in time. Two counts of screwing up.  But if I could change anything. Anything? Could I please have hair? Long and silky. Something I can braid or run my fingers through, or change the colour of with dyes. 

... Would I have to scalp a human for that?

After she left, it hit me all at once. The grief. Pain coursed through my soul like a burning fire, I lifted my hand and bit the crook of my thumb to stop from screaming. Astairre is gone. One of our own has been taken from us, and for all the times I tell myself there was nothing I could have done—I still can’t accept it.

I could have been there. At the Source. Like I never am. I could have been focused on my family rather than this goose chase that has me stretching to pull every string I know, occupying my mind night and day.

What would that achieve, though? Nothing. There are more saplings than just Astairre, saplings who need the help I never got. I can’t bring her back, so I resisted the urge to burn all of the damned reports and research.

I should have gone upstairs, nudged Ardanta and soothed myself with her presence. I didn’t, I still feel a little strange about doing so.

Saw Revilion again. He asked me what was wrong. I told him. Trisbaine and Vila are married now, not that it truly changes much. They were always the most important light in the other’s life, and I should be happy that they’ve promised to burn together for the rest of time.

But I also feel sorrow. They are a unit that I can’t be part of. I can’t expect them to let me in as they would let the other in. I really am happy for them—but also jealous. I haven’t lost friends. I know that. But I can’t ever hope to be as close to them as I was. They have each other.

The look on Ardanta’s face when Gin is mentioned bothers me all the more for it. I’m worried she’s falling for him. I’m worried he’ll return it. After just a few weeks I’ll lose another person I’m close to and I’m not ready to lose her like that.

Selfish. So damned selfish. Revilion is right about that. Things don’t go the perfect way I hope, I don’t get what I want, I become upset. I have all of these feelings and desires to be close to people, I want them to let me love them. I want to be important to them as they are important to me. I want them to know and appreciate each other as well, and I’m frustrated that my family can’t always see the value of my friends outside the coalition. Sometimes I feel that I’ll never win unless I chain myself to the persons within it, make my friends and family one and the same.

I said to him that it was the main reason I left him. That they didn’t approve. It was one of them, but I shouldn’t have said it. I wanted him to grow and be free. That was also true.

He can’t get me the meeting with the minister, either. Not even the command of my full name was enough to sway her, so I need another plan. I shouldn’t have yelled at him. That wasn’t fair. He’s trying to be useful.

I moved into the Queensdale house today, but not before the world proved to me once again that I’m not allowed to have both friends and family at once. Gin and Ardanta came to the Source to help move some items—though, I didn’t know Gin was coming. Situations being what they are with the coalition (and unfortunately it seemed that the situation managed to get worse on the exact day they were there, because my timing is impeccable as always), I’m cautious about inviting humans to the town.

Oaken was dubious about my friendship with Gin. He listens too much to rumour. They serve as a warning, and I understand that—but I’ve known Gin long enough to see a little more beyond the manwhore reputation he’s earned. He’s been good to me. I explained as much to Oaken, but my points may have been null when Gin decided to have a go at Vila over telling Delina what to do.

I agree that Delina shouldn’t have been allowed to take herself to the training yard with a sword at that exact moment. I also agree that maybe it’s not Vila’s job to tell Delina what to do. I offered her a compromise, but Gin already saw Vila as controlling and that sparked his anger.

Why can my friends and my family never get along?

I couldn’t cope with it. Not after Oaken’s thorough reminder that the coalition is entirely unable to help with my quest. Vailynt asked if anything was wrong, but the last thing I needed was a follow up lecture from someone who truly knows how to make words hurt. Maybe I’ll take him up on that offer of a drink. When things are better.

We’ve become closer, Ardanta and I. She’s sweet. Kind. I worry sometimes that she sees too much weakness in me, so frequently does she assure me of her desire to protect me. But I crave the attention, the most selfish parts of me are thrilled when she notices and cares. It’s not all one sided, I desire to give back. I took her out on a picnic, plied myself with alcohol and gave her the chance to ask of me anything she wanted with the guarantee that I would not lie.

In doing so, I became bold enough to admit my feelings. Awkwardly at first, she assumed them to be more romantic than they are. My intentions skewed when I in turn assumed that she wouldn’t accept my company in the night without some use of my body.

She doesn’t want that. But she’s an affectionate person, she desires touch perhaps as much as I do. She offered me rooming in the house that Gin is letting her use. She told me that she’s happy to see me through the night. So long as my feelings aren’t romantic.

I’m going to date her. Ardanta. For as long as she’ll allow it, anyway.

It’s difficult to describe—I feel no desire for her. Not in the way I desired Lyn or Revilion. I couldn’t imagine her throwing me against the wall and satisfying my baser needs. But I do feel I need her, want to be around her.

She’s not been in love. She’s fond of Gin—I can see that, but I can’t see it going anywhere good. Gin isn’t someone you plan a future with. I’ve warned him not to hurt her. I won’t allow that. She deserves so much more than the single roll in the hay followed by being ignored that he offers.

She deserves to be treated like a lady. Taken out and spoiled. I can do that. Even just as an excuse to be near her, I can.

Another woman. Why is it women, lately? They’re softer, I suppose. Her name is Ardanta, she’s sylvari. Strong. A warmaster---she has glasses and kind eyes. I assumed at first that Gin was trying to sleep with her---which is not an unreasonable assumption. She’s far from the usual tavern crowd. She intrigued me from the start, but I kept my distance. At least at first.

Sleep drove me literally into her arms. I couldn’t handle it anymore—I sought Gin’s company and comfort, dozed standing up. It’s better than nothing. He had to leave at some point, so I found myself surrounded by Ardanta’s strong arms. She was comfortable, even clad in armour. I fell into a deeper sleep, the memories surfaced. I screamed in dream and reality, woke like a terrified animal, unsure of what my mind had conjured and what was truly happening.

She held me so tight. My mind was a panic, but I remember her eyes. I remember how she held me steady, I remember the care and concern in her expression. I knew when Revilion offered his help that I would be looked after for the night, but a piece of my heart went to Ardanta in that moment.

For me, a pure stranger, she’d shown such sweetness. Even as I lay with Revilion wrapped around me, I imagined her arms rather than his. Her voice soothing me when I woke again in the night.