#vfest2014

Here it is the third and final episode of my V Festival 2014 Experience. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried and I think all of us want this odyssey to end. It was Sunday, a Sunday I should have been working at the castle but was instead in a field watching pop music, winner winner chicken dinner.

Sunday kicked off with All Saints. It was all very mumsy karaoke till it erupted with their 1997 hit ‘Never Ever’. I always associate this song with feeling very car sick in the back of my dad’s rover when I was a small child. However, I can appreciate a good song when I hear one. Although, I’m more of a fan of 2000 single, ‘Pure Shores’ it makes me feel high and is also a quality addition to the GTA V soundtrack. We strolled over to the MTV stage to see the up and coming George Ezra. It had a very chilled vibe and one I really enjoyed. I laid on the floor and followed my Dad’s theory of “as long as I can hear it, I don’t really need to see it” which I don’t fully understand but I was tired from the night before. The crowd loved his single ‘Budapest’ and it is a song close to my heart as I had visited the city for a weekend for my friend John’s 21st in July. I have drunkenly rolled down the streets of Budapest after one too many vodka lemonades and it was glorious. I have great memories of Budapest and very much hope to go back some day. I’ve been wanting to see Pixie Lott for a while and she didn’t disappoint. However, I feel Nina Nesbitt won the battle of British female singer songwriters that weekend for me .

Kaiser Chiefs were up next and I was surprised by their early slot on the main stage. They are the ideal festival band and I couldn’t help but think they should have been booked before The Killers the previous night. Kaiser chiefs’ indie rock anthems were delivered with much aplomb by a very energetic leadman Ricky Wilson. I saw a lot of similarities between myself and Ricky when One Direction is played in Crisis. He is one of my favourite frontmen and will inspire many of my notorious antics on a Wednesday night this year. The Kaiser Chiefs set was also memorable as I saw a girl throw up in a pizza box, yea festival vibes! We had a wee break, I had chips with gravy. It was very nommy and made me appreciate how much I love gravy. Bastille followed, I first saw them in my first year at uni as I queued for a ‘secret’ gig in the student union. They were very good and have got better since. I fear the pressure for them to avoid second album syndrome but I have faith in them. It started to rain but like a good rain that cleans your head. The rhythm of the night had me dancing and a naked man helicoptering his willy.

Up next was Example. I really like Example and I think he does his job very well. I lived very much in his 2010 album Don’t Go Quietly and I like the music. He gets me jumping. My biggest regret of the weekend was not going more crazy like I had done at Rizzle Kicks the day before. I will hopefully rectify this in the future. Ed Sheeran’s set was certainly a highlight of the weekend, however it made me realise that I don’t have a good a singing voice as I thought I did. I was doing a thing where I was trying to remix my voice/lyrics if that makes sense. Anyway, I was singing the loudest. 2 more men helicoptered their willies but they were eclipsed by a middle aged woman who had taped E and D to her breasts to spell ED. The camera saw her and she was greeted by a unanimous eww by the crowd, but fair play getting your baps out though! It is a festival after all!

The time had come, it was time for Elbow to headline the MTV stage. I left my party who opted to watch Justin Timberlake and took my position looking on centre stage. I love Elbow, they’re euphoric, lyrically fantastic and personify everything I like in life. Guy Garvey is the man I want to become. More importantly, they wrote the official anthem of Eldangeotopia in the form of ‘My Sad Captains’. To quote George Churchman, “My Sad Captains is a requiem for the hedonistic years of one’s life. It’s message should not be overlooked.It is a song that leaves your soul feeling enriched with the memory of moments in the past, and urges you to appreciate every little moment”. The set was beautiful despite a middle aged man near me telling Guy Garvey to “F off you fat prick” every time he spoke to the crowd. Why are you here? You’re no spring chicken yourself and to use the words of King Curtis, “you don’t have to be mean, you can be nice”.

Welcome back to the second episode/instalment of my V Festival 2014 experience. It’s long overdue and I sincerely apologise for any inconvenience caused. However, I have been a man stuck between 2 bus stops. To be honest, my levels of absurdity can be detrimental to my writing process. I feel like I have all these ideas rushing around my mind but struggle to construct them onto a blank word document, I feel like lightning in a bottle. I want to dance with my words like I dance in da clubs of Nottingham but feel my absurdity has been oppressed by academic institutions telling me how I should write. I don’t like that one bit. But that is subject matter for another day and for another blog. Anyway, here’s some insider knowledge for you, when I feel like the above, I play the High School Musical soundtrack to get me started and ride those positive vibes and I feel lucid. I have eaten a slice of bread too fast and it’s now causing me chest pain and I’m listening to All Saints’ Pure Shores on repeat. I think I’m ready to begin. Where were we? Ahhh Saturday! The first day of V Festival 2014! Gather round children.

I woke up Saturday morning and I had not been eaten by any cows. I didn’t expect that would happen anyway but always got to be thankful to not die any cow related death. I have always wanted to own a cow, inspired by a 2008 trip to Ireland. I would call it Percy. We arrived at the actual V site midday and exchanged our paper tickets for our orange wristbands, oh la la. Carling was the main alcoholic drink sponsors and drink tokens were priced at a steep £4.80. This made me think of fellow sad captain Daniel’s travels to the Bargain Booze every Wednesday before Crisis where you can purchase 2 bottles of wine for £5. It must be said that I was reeling from his departure on Friday to spend a year in Charleston as well as George leaving for Texas later that week. The 3 absurd men were going 3 separate ways. The very thought makes me feel weak but I must be strong, I must be the caretaker of Eldangeotopia in their absence. George suggested that I call my shoes George and Dan so I would always have them with me. I will be doing so. I would like to dedicate Rita Ora’s sublime cover of Coldplay’s Magic that weekend to them. “I call it magic, when I’m next to you”. Don’t worry fellas; I will be the lighthouse that guides you back home.

We kicked off the weekend with seeing Sons & Lovers first on the Futures Stage. I had previously seen them as a support act for Ellie Goulding’s 2012 Halcyon tour and was interested to see how they have progressed since. Plus, I also have a wee crush on the drummer, phwoar! More on my male crushes later. Sons & Lovers’ set was very good and I joked that they were the best band we had seen all weekend, get it? As they were the only band we had seen. https://vine.co/v/MTK6XYjXDqM Moving on, Newton Faulkner was next on the bill. I enjoyed his characteristic percussive style of guitar playing and Write it on your Skin was very pleasant. It set the mood nicely for Train up next. Now the band Train, I feel would have immense influences if the Three Absurd Men were ever to form a band. Well known for their commercially and critically successful hit single Drops of Jupiter, many have labelled them a one hit wonder. I disagree, I believe they have a solid catalogue of quality, well written songs to fall back on, albeit only Hey, Soul Sister and Drive By being recognisable to non-fans of Train. They did not disappoint and brought out the sun for a while in what was a very overcast day. I think I had a ham and cheese toastie either before Train or after. Sorry, I can’t remember. It was now 3.15pm and time for the wonderful Nina Nesbitt’s set in the Arena Stage. I was very looking forward to it, having been impressed by her fresh and feisty song writing style about growing up and witty eye for detail and pop culture references. She’s also really fit innit. It was certainly one of my highlights of the weekend. Next up was Jason Derulo. I purely wanted to see Derulo for his shirt ripping antics as seen here at T4 on the Beach in 2011. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WX0U4BYqgIc. Unfortunately, much to my disappointment we didn’t see any shirt ripping and we only saw 1 song. However, what a song to see, it was Ridin Solo! I danced around like I was steering car; it was a fun 4 minutes. I mentioned Rita Ora earlier, she was solid, and I knew she would never let me down eh eh eh.

I think it’s time for a new paragraph. I just wanted to quickly explain why I love live music. I really love that you can create that buzz, draw emotion, create collective experience and memories. The fact that it can offer an escape from everyday life and you can openly express yourself freely through song and dance really appeals to me. This is why I loved Rizzle Kicks’ set so much; it was fresh, fun and full of life. Without doubt, my favourite of the entire weekend. I have liked the sounds and lyrics of Rizzle Kicks since their first album Stereo Typical was released in 2011. I rented it from my local library for a £1 back when I was more of a sad loser than I am now. I lost myself during Mama do the hump, yea I know it’s unbelievably kitsch but I am a very kitsch man. I have the ability to lose my inhibitions completely sober. There is a video of my dancing exploits on Kai’s mobile telephone but it is too absurd for public consumption.

The headliners for Saturday were The Killers. I am a big fan of The Killers but even a bigger fan of Brandon Flowers. The man is simply beautiful. He is certainly challenging Bono and Guy Garvey for my number 1 man crush. This was to be my 4th time seeing The Killers live. I often perform their hits in front of the imaginary crowd in my head, they always love me. I know all of Brandon Flowers’ stage actions; I know when the fireworks will go off, the whole lot! So you can imagine my disappointment when the only way I can describe the performance was like running a bath and really looking forward to it but coming back and realising it was cold. My boi, Brandon was paining away to get it livened up but the crowd was stoned cold dead. What was happening? The people in front of me were quite frankly acting as a windbreaker. These are the headliners, least look a little lively. The Killers sounded great as usual but this was different, it didn’t feel good, I felt uncomfortable, more uncomfortable than I will feel at pre drinks this year as I occupy the empty space in front of the sink or fridge alone. I felt like Simba in the Lion King when his father Mufasa died. I think people were more interested in selfie taking or maybe The Killers were too ‘heavy’ for them and Justin Timberlake tomorrow was more to their liking.

Hello all, my name is Elliott and I have a story to tell, are you ready? Every story has a protagonist and in this story it’s me, your wonderful host. Now, I know the blog has a loyal, core support and I can say speaking on behalf of 3 Absurd men, we are extremely proud of this. To quote 1/5 of One Direction Louis Tomlinson, “It’s just a teamwork between us and them”. However, this blog is open to the world, so people are not privy to our character. So I thought I take this moment to give them a quick gist of how I would describe myself and hopefully it will give my story much more substance. So Hello world, I’m Elliott/Elliot/Eliot and I’m prone to unfortunate events which I like to call ‘Donkey experiences’. Just for general understanding, ‘donkey’ is a footballing term for when a footballer messes up or naively foolish. In this context, I would describe myself as the Titus Bramble of everyday life without the rape allegation. I would happily accept comparisons between myself and the one and only Will McKenzie. To be honest, right now my mind feels trapped writing this intro like it’s actually hurting, it’s making my hands itch so I would like to delve right into this story if I may.

I’ll set the scene, V Festival 2014, Weston Park, Staffordshire. My first music festival. I feel like I want to lose myself and dance but I have to write this blog, I will dance on the keyboard with my fingers. Tap tap tap. Please excuse, any tenses issue please, think of it as a LOST flashback, flash sideways or something. It’s Friday evening, I should explain how I have gotten to this stage as I tap away on my iPhone notes app on an inflatable sofa overlooking fellow camp dwellers. The interest to attend a music festival originated in 2009 whilst in sixth form. However, despite a mixed successful day at Reading 2011, I still had not taken the plunge and done a full on weekend. It was decided, 2014 was the year, 2 weeks before I turn 21, it was time to banish my anxiety, camp in a field and immerse myself in contemporary pop music for 2 days. I would say I’m a seasoned regular on the gig circuit. Pretentious Prick. I prefer saying concert but people always look at you weird when you say that, I think gig may be a cooler word than concert. Anyway, the weekend of August 15th- 17th will forever be etched in my memory for I have learnt a lot and more importantly, survived to tell the tale.

We left Corby on a sunny Friday afternoon. I was optimistic, ready for the adventure ahead. The weekend felt pregnant. Anything was possible, new experiences to be had, new stories to be told. We discussed which acts we would see in the upcoming days. For me, I was Elbow Bound with a bit of my Brandon Flowers fill on the side. The smooth tones of Guy Garvey and ‘My Sad Captains’ made it the priority of the weekend for me. Anyway, enough of that gibber jabber. I was about to experience my first hardship of the weekend, I needed a wee badly. We were stuck in traffic, no services in sight. Now I must make it clear, I am attending V with Louise and her family. I had to stick or twist. There was an empty diet Pepsi bottle, do I or don’t I? Could I pee in the car? It was a serious question, I had been in a relationship with Lou for 3 years, was this allowed? My father has taught me 2 things in life, 1. Be wary of rape in Uni nightclubs and 2. If you gotta go, you go. Me being my Will McKenzie self, I asked for permission. “Excuse me, would you actually mind if I was to pee in this bottle please?” I had set my stall out, it must be noted I didn’t know how far away we were from our destination. I had accepted the consequence of future banter for this necessary back up precaution. If needs must, I had my diet Pepsi bottle. However, embarrassingly so we were only 1 junction away. Awkward. Heroically, I was able to hold on and add it onto the many trials and tribulations I have faced in which I call my life. Best wee I’ve ever had though.

We arrived at the campsite, admittedly it was not the official V camp site. We had booked onto a local farm that was letting a field out as a family campsite. That meant access to toilets and showers, however my biggest fear, public toilets ahhh. But after my recent experience, I was content. I and Kai set out to put up the tent. My first ever attempt at doing so. It had a step father son exercise esque feel to it and one I thoroughly enjoyed despite my bending of 4 pegs with my brute strength. Actually, it was accomplished by my wielding of a mallet like a very badly dressed unfunny clown. I stated my intention on twitter that I wanted to appear like George Churchman hungover this weekend and that was to look homeless, however I think I came across more polite public school boy instead, but hey can’t hide what you are. Now I have been camping before, I believe I was 10. It was in Canada, all I really remember of it was my father telling me he had to chase a skunk away from my head as I slept. The man had saved me from a skunk attack, I love the man dearly. Hopefully, there will be no round 2 of skunk attacks this weekend; do we have skunks in England?

The second hardship of the day, I faced was the disposing of a dead, decaying rabbit we had discovered. I was presented with 2 options. One was to kick it away, what am I some manly man who kicks dead animals away? No, I went for the liberal option and with a couple of squeals I used an Asda carrier bag to pick up and dispose of said rabbit. I’ve been in Stafford an hour and here I was already picking up a dead rabbit in a plastic bag, what had I become? I said this weekend would break me, I didn’t know how my absurdity would respond to the environment I was about to head into. If I was disposing of dead animals before the festival had even started, what will happen when I enter the V festival arena?