Three Absurd Men & A Box of Conformity

11 weeks is 77 days. That was the cruel wait that AmeriCan Soc has had to endure to finally be back in Endsleigh Football Standard League Saturday Division 2 action this afternoon. Today, AmeriCan Soc welcomed IMS new boys, Dunkirk Elite who were primarily formed of rough and tumble egg chasers. Also, AmeriCan Soc debut their snazzy Antics sponsored red and white hooped jerseys. We may be currently mid table but we are leaps and bounds ahead for most fashionable IMS team ever!

The first half was an even contest, with possibly Dunkirk Elite having the lion’s share of possession. It would be fair to argue that the pitch conditions favoured the rugby players of Dunkirk Elite. However, AmeriCan Soc were solid in their defence and tackles, special mention to Dom Robinson and Ed Baker for some excellent breaking up play tackles and for taking a few kicks along the way. Dunkirk Elite threatened with 2 good shots but my watching of a compilation of Artur Boruc ‘The Holy Goalie’ saves on YouTube the previous afternoon provided me with the wisdom needed to make the saves. The AmeriCan Soc rumour mill has been in full swing and I believe a goalkeeper will be signing imminently. This means that this afternoon was possibly my last appearance as AmeriCan Soc goalkeeper and it has been an experience I have thoroughly enjoyed. I would like to extend thanks to all my teammates for making it so enjoyable. AmeriCan Soc went close from a corner and Captain Ben Davis cleared off the line to ensure we went into half time 0-0. This may be the first time that AmeriCan Soc have not conceded in the first half since our formation in 2013, I have asked the AmeriCan Soc Soccer historian to verify this.

Following a half time breather and the checking of the Spurs v Arsenal score, the second half began. Debutant centre back Jake Stanley had a solid first half performance but his tactical genius was the catalyst for the unimaginable events that unfolded at Grove Farm. Jake replaced me as goalkeeper and I immediately stated my intention to play upfront because of my “unfinished business”. On the 24th October 2014 and 3rd February 2015, I Facebook messaged AmeriCan Sports Sec James Martin with an impassioned plea to play upfront. I described myself as a “Wimbledon Wildcard” and declared that “Elliott Hanna personifies the Goblet of Fire”. James rightly or wrongly laughed me off with a “hahahaha” however with my first chance and back to goal; I ridiculously NFL esque turned and shot with my left foot into the bottom corner. ‪#‎scenes‬ ‪#‎limbs‬. Euphoria! I was as happy as Hazel Grace when Augustus whisks her away to Amsterdam in The Fault in Our Stars. AmeriCan Soc doubled their lead soon after when myself, drunk on confidence, passed to Matt ‘Tesco Messi’ Pink who assisted AmeriCan Soc’s very own Harry Kane, James Martin to thrash the ball into the net. In my last match report, I wrote in regards to James Martin that “He is my Harry Kane and I firmly believe he will now go on a scoring streak that will never end”. 77 days later, I am still correct and couldn’t be more thrilled for the man I have billed as “my project”. The duo from 89 Harlaxton had secured AmeriCan Soc a solid 2-0 lead. However, Dunkirk Elite continued to gain yards and were eventually able to score a meagre consolation. I would like to give special mention to Tom Cullinane, fresh from his Superbowl Sunday hot wing challenge, his experience gained on the muddy football pitches of Leeds ensured that AmeriCan Soc were solid in defence. There were Dunkirk shouts for a last minute penalty from a contentious hand ball by James Martin but they were rightly waved away and AmeriCan Soc had secured a well-earned 2-1 victory.

Unbeaten in 2015, the AmeriCan Soc soccer team were simply outstanding today. As always, I would like to thank everyone for their hard work, effort and determination, you’re da real MVPs!

AmeriCan Soc Team and your heroes

After nearly a month absence from Grove Farm, AmeriCan Soc was back in Endsleigh Football Standard League Saturday Division 2 action as they looked to blow away the cobwebs. The opposition was in the form of division leaders, Architecture whose blueprint for winning the league has been going to plan so far, having played 3 games and winning all 3. Could AmeriCan Soc destroy the solid foundations that Architecture had put in place?

Following a morning, where my One Direction karaoke skills were exposed in an unexpected house viewing, Sports Sec James Martin delivered the awful news that we weren’t able to field 11 players for the first time this season. He explained that some deserters had fled to Wolverhampton to watch the filthy Forest play whilst Yannick had an audition for a TV game show, I hope it went well and fingers crossed, we will all see Yannick on the television soon.

Captain Ben Davis led the 10 brave souls on the AmeriCan Soc’s equivalent of the Charge of the Light Brigade this afternoon. Considering, we only had 10 players, the decision to play 3 at the back was a bold one. But, I like bold decisions. The AmeriCan Soc dug in but eventually Architecture was able to break our stronghold and take the lead. However, AmeriCan Soc has a knack of conceding first before upping their game and pushing on. This happened for 15 minutes. Following, the expelling of the contents of an Ocean night out, James Martin scored his first goal for AmeriCan Soc. I was extremely proud of the man I have seen develop and grow since we first took the field together over a year ago. He is my Harry Kane and I firmly believe he will now go on a scoring streak that will never end. Adam Beveridge and Matt Pink have a telepathic connection; it’s something to be marvelled. Again, Adam assisted the ‘Tesco Messi’ Matt for him to score his fourth of the season. That’s 4 in 4 for Matt this season and he is well on his way to overtaking the AmeriCan all-time top goal scorer Daniel Taylor. However, it may have been a case of taking the lead too early as Architecture scored 2 more, meaning AmeriCan went in at the half time whistle 3-2 down.

It was either stick or twist for AmeriCan Soc, we went in the hunt for the equaliser and were heavily punished for doing so. Architecture’s passing play exposed our lack of man and exploited our fitness as we tried to go toe to toe with them. I can’t remember many of the goals but I do remember my Roy Carroll esuqe penalty save from a man whose surname was Badman and a triple save flurry. The triple save reminded me of George Churchman’s defensive block v Architecture last season, he went on to win his accumulator and get retweeted by The Lighthouse Family that weekend.

Pre Bangerz Miley Cyrus had a song called 7 Things on her 2008 album titled Breakout. In the song, she lists the 7 things she hates and likes about her love interest, believed to be Jonas brother, Nick Jonas. I would like to put my own twist on this by listing the things I liked from today’s game that my teammates did.

Rory Mathie, I liked how you often got the ball for my goal kicks. Also, your effort today was marvellous.

Ben Davis, I liked your courage to play 3 at the back, also the way you shrugged off the opposition when you unleash your inner Yaya Toure.

Tom Cullinane, I liked your willingness to put your body on the line with defensive blocks; they reminded me of John Terry’s v Slovenia in the 2010 World Cup. Also, I like how you took my goal kicks because mine were poor, considering I had been watching YouTube tutorial videos on how to take them.

Josh Carty, I liked your effort and face as I always do. I could list many things I like but I’ve think I’ve told you them all already.

Adam Beveridge, I liked your telepathy with Matt. Also, the confidence you have to want the ball, I often do not want the ball.

Joe Birtwistle, I liked that you displayed the commitment and effort you always do and your willingness to drop deep to win headers. Also, your generosity by lending me your goalkeeper gloves is wonderful and I appreciate it greatly.

Matt Pink, what can I say? I liked that you were/are Mr Reliable and Tesco Messi combined. Also, you make my trips to Tesco more enjoyable.

Emmanuel Adjei, I liked that you continued your improvement of your overall game and you have come a long way from when you wore the Roosevelt shirt last season .It is not long before you bag your first goal.

James Martin, I liked that you showed today why you are my boy, my man, my project.

Hello everyone, wait. We're not having heart attacks,

                                  I'm at the mid of 21, I'm 7x3, soon to be 11x2,

                              I really care what you're all about.

Here we are, Crying for a quarter of a hour,

If you hate me so much, write to yourself

Clouds are an ultimatum, but yea, I'm alright.

I'm so excited for our night,

Light my way,

Your shirt looks so good,

Leave it on your back.

Keep my voice down,

Blown out, night changes,

Keep that cheque, the dishwasher don't fix itself.

A swift beacon of light,

Nobody hears but everyone sees,

Feed the banks, if you please.

Waiting for you makes me love you even more, enter saxophone.

You know I'm gonna run to you, so be still.

I can be a hell of a tempest when I want to be,

I've seen the blood of an orange between my teeth,

I'm not stealing your days, the fare is $243 as of today,

Architecture 10 – 2 AmeriCan Soc 22/11/14

  After nearly a month absence from Grove Farm, AmeriCan Soc was back in Endsleigh Football Standard League Saturday Division 2 action as they looked to blow away the cobwebs. The opposition was in the form of division leaders, Architecture whose blueprint for winning the league has been going to plan so far, having played 3 games and winning all 3. Could AmeriCan Soc destroy the solid foundations that Architecture had put in place?

  Following a morning, where my One Direction karaoke skills were exposed in an unexpected house viewing, Sports Sec James Martin delivered the awful news that we weren’t able to field 11 players for the first time this season. He explained that some deserters had fled to Wolverhampton to watch the filthy Forest play whilst Yannick had an audition for a TV game show, I hope it went well and fingers crossed, we will all see Yannick on the television soon.

  Captain Ben Davis led the 10 brave souls on the AmeriCan Soc’s equivalent of the Charge of the Light Brigade this afternoon. Considering, we only had 10 players, the decision to play 3 at the back was a bold one. But, I like bold decisions. The AmeriCan Soc dug in but eventually Architecture was able to break our stronghold and take the lead. However, AmeriCan Soc has a knack of conceding first before upping their game and pushing on. This happened for 15 minutes. Following, the expelling of the contents of an Ocean night out, James Martin scored his first goal for AmeriCan Soc. I was extremely proud of the man I have seen develop and grow since we first took the field together over a year ago. He is my Harry Kane and I firmly believe he will now go on a scoring streak that will never end. Adam Beveridge and Matt Pink have a telepathic connection; it’s something to be marvelled. Again, Adam assisted the ‘Tesco Messi’ Matt for him to score his fourth of the season. That’s 4 in 4 for Matt this season and he is well on his way to overtaking the AmeriCan all-time top goal scorer Daniel Taylor. However, it may have been a case of taking the lead too early as Architecture scored 2 more, meaning AmeriCan went in at the half time whistle 3-2 down.

  It was either stick or twist for AmeriCan Soc, we went in the hunt for the equaliser and were heavily punished for doing so. Architecture’s passing play exposed our lack of man and exploited our fitness as we tried to go toe to toe with them. I can’t remember many of the goals but I do remember my Roy Carroll esuqe penalty save from a man whose surname was Badman and a triple save flurry. The triple save reminded me of George Churchman’s defensive block v Architecture last season, he went on to win his accumulator and get retweeted by The Lighthouse Family that weekend.

  Pre Bangerz Miley Cyrus had a song called 7 Things on her 2008 album titled Breakout. In the song, she lists the 7 things she hates and likes about her love interest, believed to be Jonas brother, Nick Jonas. I would like to put my own twist on this by listing the things I liked from today’s game that my teammates did.

  Rory Mathie, I liked how you often got the ball for my goal kicks. Also, your effort today was marvellous.

  Ben Davis, I liked your courage to play 3 at the back, also the way you shrugged off the opposition when you unleash your inner Yaya Toure.

  Tom Cullinane, I liked your willingness to put your body on the line with defensive blocks; they reminded me of John Terry’s v Slovenia in the 2010 World Cup. Also, I like how you took my goal kicks because mine were poor, considering I had been watching YouTube tutorial videos on how to take them.

  Josh Carty, I liked your effort and face as I always do. I could list many things I like but I’ve think I’ve told you them all already.

  Adam Beveridge, I liked your telepathy with Matt. Also, the confidence you have to want the ball, I often do not want the ball.

  Joe Birtwistle, I liked that you displayed the commitment and effort you always do and your willingness to drop deep to win headers. Also, your generosity by lending me your goalkeeper gloves is wonderful and I appreciate it greatly.

  Matt Pink, what can I say? I liked that you were/are Mr Reliable and Tesco Messi combined. Also, you make my trips to Tesco more enjoyable.

  Emmanuel Adjei, I liked that you continued your improvement of your overall game and you have come a long way from when you wore the Roosevelt shirt last season .It is not long before you bag your first goal.

  James Martin, I liked that you showed today why you are my boy, my man, my project.

Raleigh Park Old Boys 3 – 2 AmeriCan Soc 25/10/2014

                            Friday 24th October saw the first soccer social of the year to celebrate the great start to the season so far. The team feasted on Hooters’ infamous chicken wings before consuming copious amounts of thee old drink in The Big O. Unsurprisingly, there were a few nursing sore heads as proud leaders of the Endsleigh Football Standard League Saturday Division 2, AmeriCan Soc took on IMS veterans Raleigh Park Old Boys.

  There were no signs of an obvious Ocean hangover as AmeriCan Soc went 1 nil up against the run of play. In a goal reminiscent of last week v Business Society B, Adam Beveridge again found inform Matt Pink who flicked it over the keeper. I want what Matt Pink is having for breakfast. I’ve heard on the grape vine that he eats Tesco cereal as he takes advantage of his employee discount. There were comparisons made last week to Messi, this was wrong. I think Matt Pink is better than Messi and I will now be eating an abundance of Tesco cereal. Raleigh Park Old Boys came back strong and nearly equalised via a goalkeeping howler by me. I normally struggle to see the 18 yard box line which is a hindrance when it comes to coming out and clearing the ball. Although, this time I could not blame my poor eyesight but instead I foolishly kind of kicked the leg I was going to kick the ball with. This resulted in me falling over and the striker having a shot on an empty net. Fortunately, Ed Baker, making his second appearance bailed me out with a goal line clearance. Thank you Ed, you are a beautiful man and I salute you for saving me from an inevitable 6 day depression. Raleigh Park Old Boys continued to press and were eventually rewarded with an equaliser. The height of their striker got the best of me and he was able to slot the ball home. To be fair, the man was a specimen and built like an ox and I felt like Danny DeVito. I think his legs were the height of me. It could be argued that the match was plagued by dubious refereeing decisions that favoured the Raleigh Park Old Boys and overzealous tackles but their second goal was a well worked tika-taka goal. Their lead was nearly furthered on the stroke of half time but was prevented by a notorious and my hero Roy Carroll esque double save by myself. It was similar to his save for Northern Ireland v Uruguay but also kind of not. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKIJ9VAF58Y

  AmeriCan Soc found themselves 2-1 down at half time but their belief and effort did not falter as the second half kicked off. It did not take long for the Liam Gallagher impersonator from Raleigh Park Old Boys to get back to his dirty ways. I was cynically targeted at a Raleigh Park corner as I was roughly pushed off the ball in an attempt to intimidate me but for anyone who knows me knows I love these ‘handbags’. Come at me Bro. I calmly blew kisses his way, I thought this would undermine him and I was correct as he never pushed me again. Unfortunately, Raleigh Park Old Boys went 3-1 up via a header. However, I would like to give mention to the whole team today for getting stuck in for the cause this afternoon, in particular Joe Birtwistle and Tom Cullinane. AmeriCan Soc began to pile on the pressure as James Martin pulled off a successful rabona. Finally, AmeriCan Soc succeeded as Captain Ben Davis scored an ‘absolute worldie’. This vine excellently summarises AmeriCan Soc’s reaction as the ball dipped over the Raleigh keeper. https://vine.co/v/hw3IllDgh9D Great goal Ben and well deserved. 3-2 and AmeriCan Soc continued to attack, attack, attack but Raleigh Park Old Boys were dangerous on the counter. A notable moment was when following a save from a Raleigh shot; the winger had a nibble at my head with his foot. Only for my saviour President Josh Carty to tell him where to go, and you know what? I liked that. Unfortunately, the equaliser eluded AmeriCan Soc and the match finished in a 3-2 defeat.

  A valiant effort from AmeriCan Soc this afternoon but I feel guilty for the defeat as I had changed my pre match ritual of eating a baked potato for lunch to a bacon roll. I want to give another big shout out to my fellow teammates; you make my football playing experience enjoyable. One Direction’s new single ‘Steal my girl’ expresses my sentiments for you all perfectly. I would like to retitle the song ‘Steal my boys’.

  Well done AmeriCan Soc, we go again soon!

AmeriCan Soc Football Team

Business Society B 1 - 3 AmeriCan Society

On Friday evening, Sports Sec James Martin declared “Tomorrow, we go again” and boy, did the soccer team answer his battle cry.

AmeriCan Soc’s heroes braced the windy cauldron that is Pitch 12 to face Endsleigh Football Standard League Saturday Division 2 leaders Business Society B. AmeriCan Soc looked to silence the doubters who said they would get more battered than Ron Weasley’s father’s Flying Ford Anglia by the Whomping Willow in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

The first half kicked off and AmeriCan Soc quickly found themselves on top with a notorious display of expansive football. It was not long before debutant Jack Monks thrashed the ball home following some telepathic Cavendish build up play to put AmeriCan Soc 1 nil up. AmeriCan Soc doubled their lead following a sultry ball from Adam Beveridge found the run of Mr Reliable and stalwart Matt Pink to flick over the Business Society keeper to score his first goal for AmeriCan Soc. It was a very pleasurable goal, the best I have seen AmeriCan Soc score. Unfortunately, Business Society B was able to break AmeriCan defensive resistance and secure a goal before half time.

The second half began and AmeriCan aimed to be ruthless and put the game to bed. I would like to give special mention to the centre back partnership of Yannick Mitchell and Matt McGinn. To me, you are warm woolly jumpers on a cold morning; you make me feel very safe. To be frank, the second half was rather dull as AmeriCan Soc continued to dominate but the third goal was elusive. I dabbled in some Roy Carroll time wasting. Eventually, AmeriCan Soc was able to deliver the killer blow as Matt Pink scored his 2nd of the game. The comparisons to Messi have been made and I won’t disagree with them. Captain Ben Davis was unable to cap off a mazy Yaya Toure run near the end as his shot was blocked.

The final whistle went and AmeriCan Soc had comfortably defeated the league leaders 3-1. Hip hip hooray! This was also my third career win, my last coming at the youthful age of 14. I’ve waited 1/3 of my life for this win and it feels dastardly good. I will celebrate with 3 for £5 Bulmers No17 ciders and copious Vodka lemonades. Tonight, I will go to bed a winner and not a loser.

I can’t thank the squad enough for their effort, pride and passion so far this season. The hedonistic wanderlust of our team morale to take on the world is simply emphasised in the lyrics of Oasis’ 1995 single ‘Acquiesce’ “Because, we need each other, we believe in one another”. I will take a bullet for you all.

Onwards and upwards for AmeriCan Soc!

AmeriCan Soc Football Team

Sports Sec James Martin has had the difficult task in overseeing a summer of transition which has depleted the team. Students moving onto pastures new left but just five of the famous old guard remaining. Intense transfer activity and recruitment followed with James assembling a formidable team; unfortunately there was a failed swoop for a former u16 Everton Goalkeeper. However, my sources tell me this is ongoing.

The Endsleigh Football Standard League Saturday Division 2 kicked off on Saturday 11th October, a day that will remain in AmeriCan folklore forever more. AmeriCan Soc opened with a home fixture to the Medics. It had been a turbulent morning with the confirmation that 7 aside hotshot Emmanuel Adjei was ruled out following the injuring of his back whilst dancing in notorious nightclub, Ocean. Another blow was delivered upon the discovery that we lacked a goalkeeper, a very important position in soccer. However, cometh the hour, cometh of the man, yours truly stepped up. The week previous, I witnessed the exploits of Roy Carroll for Notts County and was inspired by the goalkeeping master class he put on and hoped to emulate him. Following a brief warm up, Captain Ben Davis delivered a thunderous pre match talk and AmeriCan Soc was ready for battle.

AmeriCan Soc started the first half well with many debutants looking to impress and impress they did. Unfortunately, they went behind against the run of play. The Medics doubled their lead with a very dubious second. Basically, it was utter cheating filth. A medic free kick was lofted in and found its way to an astray offside winger who sheepishly tapped in. A wild uproar came from all of the AmeriCan Soc team, it was pandemonium. I was unsure whether to join in with the pandemonium as my knowledge of the offside rule in actual gameplay is sketchy at best. “He’s quick but he’s not that quick” was the focus of our protest. Medics were defiant in their dishonest ways, it’s meant to be a noble profession, and you take an oath! Whilst, the heroes of AmeriCan Soc extolled the birthplace of solid character and sound values in the form of Small Town America. We were effectively being crushed by big business and we did not like it one bit. It was eventually decided by a coin toss and unfortunately justice did not prevail. AmeriCan Soc went into half time 2-0 down and very much aggrieved but there was a sense of determinism to put this right I have never experienced before. With hindsight, I would like to thank the underhanded Medics as this was essential in uniting the team. 45 minutes earlier, we were acquaintances, now we were a band of brothers.

The second half began. Medics were able to further their lead and went 3-0 up. It was time now. Time for AmeriCan Soc to breathe out fire again. It was our time to fight our way back into the light, fight our way out of a hell. One goal at a time. If we were a song, we’d be Take That’s The Flood. The first AmeriCan Soc goal came from a notorious goal kick assist. Cuff me. My wayward goal kick caught the Medics by surprise and allowed for Tom Cullinane to release an utterly fantastic bamboozler on the Medic goalkeeper, leaving him flapping greatly. AmeriCan Soc’s second came soon after with Ben Harvey dancing around the keeper to slot in, reminiscent of the Fernando Torres of old. However, Medics still posed a threat and drew 2 saves from myself. My heart was beating thunderously fast as we continued to chase the equaliser. AmeriCan Soc piled on the pressure and won a corner in the dying minutes. The shouts for me to come up rang out from James Martin. I’mma coming James! I ran down the field disgustingly fast, the box is crammed with bodies, a shot outside the box, it hits a hand! Penalty! However, the original shot goes in. #scenes. It’s decided that it’s a penalty which will inevitably be the final kick of the match. Joe Birtwistle, who had occupied the JonJo Shelvey role all afternoon stood up and duly prescribed a bout of antidepressants for the Medics as he thrashed the ball home! 3-3! Forget Istanbul! The ‘San Marino’ of the University of Nottingham with the most historic comeback ever! The team were euphoric, the celebrations were akin to this inspirational montage of reactions to Sidney Crosby’s gold medal winning goal. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dt-0zvpcOz4 I have seldom taste success on a football pitch but now I could ring my father who has seen me lose 22-0 before and tell him of this historic day! I’m not a sporting disappointment! I was filthily buzzing and significant comparisons to Appollos Hester in this video can be made. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u35MwQ_zrBI . This was my Robbie Williams’ Angels moment and I will remember it till I’m grey and old. I would like to personally thank the whole team; you were a pleasure to play behind!

AmeriCan Soc, be proud of your carpe diem soccer heroes!

AmeriCan Soccer Team

Staring into vacant eyes to see what's wrong

Boy bands distract me heavily from my work.

I need to straighten up.

This mental illness stuff is telling me it’s bad to work hard as it will mean that my brain doesn’t work when I’m 50. I don’t want that.

I’m heavily going on sabbatical after this year.

It’s telling me I should take a period of absence to rest.

Am I being lazy or am I simply attempting to achieve more than my constitution can cope with?

I just want to write short stories

That’s all I want to do, well that’s what I think

I need to watch the love, Rosie trailer http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqSE6Kzuht0 and have a chicken noodle cuppa soup

I need to ride a bicycle and feel free

Olly Murs’ Army of two is getting me pumped up too much

There’s a storm coming, say goodbye to the sun.

I’m starting to feel insane

It’s not absurdity anymore

I need a mountain retreat, a bicycle and a safe book

I’m too aware of institutions and capitalism

Uni has screwed me mentally

I crave being stranded on the lost island too much

I don’t believe what’s in front of my eyes; I don’t know what’s authentic anymore

I am spark notes; none of my thoughts are original

I’m a drone

I need tenfold amount of hooch and sausage rolls

I’m breaking fast

I have lightning in a bottle

I need atmospheric tones

I need to get rid of everything I have ever owned

A fresh start

I must escape my own mind

I fear too much for my legacy

I believe I am capable of far more than what I am

I intensify this pressure with believing I am a prophet

I genuinely believe I am exceptional at times which is disgusting, that’s a manic high

Do you know who you’re rocking with? You’re rocking with the best.

No, you’re not. Shhhh, don’t build yourself up; you’re nobody till someone recognises you in a WH Smith in an airport. So buy your top trumps and shut up.

We should watch the Fault in our stars together.

  I got way too frustrated writing 200 words yesterday

Making me think I should not pursue written endeavours

I’m not reading the secondary source for this seminar

Sorry Robin

Sweet, sweet lemonade.

My nervousness is all about control, I spent far too much of my life in a packet of wafer thin ham.

I’m a savage animal but I’m in to self-improvement.

I could live in a library, but I’m not reading books. Forget what I said, I’m just having fun.

I need to walk around every street in Corby

I need a break; I’m starting to feel too anxious

I’m not where I want to be right now

Dublin rain, Dublin Rain

That’s it, I’m flying to Texas to save G, and we will then fly to Charleston to fix this.

We will then drive to Las Vegas and have the best time ever.

 We will reunite, the masses want it, and we want it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPXASNCZrio

We are this performance.

  There’s too much pressure, pressure from no one but myself.

I can’t escape these words.

I’m week 1 X factor boy band awkward.

This iPad is my brain; I don’t know anything with or without it.

I can’t shift it, everything is on a screen, money’s on a screen, and love is on a screen.

I run, but my chest hurts.

I’m holding in too tight, I believe what I’m being told.

Everything seems too easy yet so difficult at the same time.

I need a mince pie. Not too many though, greed.

I need a wooden pier and bare feet.

I’m too cynical, my brain is overworked. I’m thinking too much, it’s consuming me

I’m a neon sign but I’m dim. I’m low, oh no

I crave the safety in boy band success, I know its shite

I want 2:16 onwards of One Direction’s You and I video

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kqQDCxRCzM

  The rain and wind will push me over and treat me like the little bitch I am

I’m dying in here

I’m absolutely wordless

I will walk in the rain to Staffordshire on my way home

Finish it Robin

Fidget, I’m hungry now, let me go.

Red Leicester is very orange it seems.

(Written 27/8/14)

This Sunday I will be entering my 21st year of life and will have lived for 7665 days. This has caused me great anxiety. The realisation that my youth is kinda officially over now is heavily frightening. Come next year, I will have hopefully graduated from the University of Nottingham with a degree in American Studies and begin my stint of unemployment. Liberal Arts degree uh oh. No longer will I be able to hide behind my being a ‘student’ and will have to face the cold hard fact I’ve been inevitably avoiding and that is what career path I will take.

Ridiculously so, all this has gotten me down. I mean I spent my school life being the conscientious, well mannered boy, I’ve never drank frosty jacks in a park with my mates. Have I missed out? I’m not sure, I keep thinking I wasn’t wild enough, I didn’t get all the crazy out. This has led to my somewhat mild absurdity this last year, substantially assisted by My Sad Captains. My three most notorious antics have all occurred in Crisis, the Eldangeotopia playground. One time, I climbed over the balcony, I believed I could defy gravity. The second and most notorious time was when I was escorted out for challenging The Man and the institution of repression by rushing the main stage. Lincoln was in awe. Finally and thirdly, was doing a 360 loop around the bannister as I slid down it. George can testify that this should have killed me but here I am writing this blog on the train home from London after seeing The Book of Mormon. I wish I had a cosmopolitan as I write this but it’s not the case. Instead, my background noise is a loud man trying to flog a Leicester v Arsenal ticket for this Sunday and a child called Ben heading to Market Harborough who is being a little shit to his tired mother. Anyway, regarding the bannister incident, I’ve cheated death, that’s an achievement. I’ve lived 21 years, well done me.

Reflecting back on the past year, I feel I had let out as much missed out nonsense as I could have done. So, the fact I was feeling sad about turning 21 was highly annoying me. I mean I have literally nothing to complain about. I have a fantastic network of support from Lou, my family and friends. I mean I’ve been presented with opportunities that I think somewhat we all take for granted. I think I had lost perspective, absorbed by a modern day society of now and want, it’s easy to get lost in wanting something more when in fact you have everything you actually need. So instead of feeling sadness, I flipped it on its head and viewed it as a beautiful nostalgia. I mean I wasn’t sad, I was just nostalgic but the fact that this nostalgia can make me feel the way it does is wonderful. The fact that I have these feelings and memories are invaluable and that at any moment I can be hit with these wonderful feelings makes me feel alive. My nostalgia is always accessible too, wether it’s watching 90s kid television show theme songs on YouTube, flicking through a edition of premier league years or a fantastic array of pop songs, I have it almost on tap.

Furthermore, I think a way of dealing with kinda officially entering ‘adulthood’ is by viewing it as a new chapter, you haven’t lost your childhood, you’re just building on it. Frank Sinatra’s rendition of ‘Young at heart’ comes to mind.I mean you’ve departed somewhere and your heading to a destination you don’t yet know and that’s terribly exciting. Right now, we are all a box of Rice Krispies, full of snap, crackle and pop. We have the raw potential to go anywhere and do anything we want. If anything, we’ll regret not taking this moment now.

Basically, going Elbow’s ‘One Day Like This’ on you all. Seize the day, live, love and laugh for the moment because we’re as young as we want to be.

I will remember the weekend of July 11th-14th 2014 for the rest of my days. It wasn’t just a weekend, it was enlightenment, an experience, an exploration of a world alien to us all, and it was Budapest baby. The plan for Budapest was originally concocted in the mind of my good friend, John who had visited the previous year with work friends. So enthused from his previous visit and his disgust at the nightlife England has to offer, the celebration of his 21st year of life would inevitably be in Budapest. Our six-man team for the trip quickly formed in the state of myself, Lou, John, Jess, Scott and Torrin.

Now before any trip is undertaken, essential preparation is needed as my father tells me. This is why for our family holidays, we always arrived at airports 4 hours before our flight just in case. So me being my Will McKenzie self, looked to the Corby Library for a Budapest Guidebook. I won’t bore you with all the quirky facts I know about Budapest unless you want me too. Comment below if so! John upon hearing of my tour guide nature of picking up a guidebook quickly dismissed it and said, “you can’t plan Budapest, you just do it”. A notion, I thoroughly agreed with. Budapest was meant to be a weekend of notorious antics and tomfoolery and here I was with my guidebook. I can rest your minds now and say the guidebook was left at home and there were antics galore.

Departure day was upon us. We piled into Kenny’s Party Bus and were on our way to East Midlands Airport. Kenny is a nice man with a peculiar laugh, it’s hard to describe but it’s infectious. The entertainment for our first leg of the journey came in the form of the Inbetweeners movie, which is an absolute hilarious riot and excellently summarised our excitement for our first trip away with our friends. Most notably, the clip where they enter the airport reminded me of us, except we didn’t have inappropriate t-shirts, we weren’t off to Malia, we were ‘cultured’ and off to the World’s second best city according to Conde Nest Traveller oo! Here’s the clip, excuse the Italian I cant find an English version. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjDGqOv7bFI.

There was a hiccup at security as Torrin accidentally changed the combination for the lock on his hand luggage and couldn’t open it. This was his first time flying but it was amusing, oh Torrin. He went to Budapest that weekend lockless and without travel insurance, the man defied danger and security and still lives. The man is a hero! We were soon on the plane but were delayed as a lady complained that her hat was stolen in the departure lounge. Is that a thing? Do people steal hats? I wouldn’t steal a hat. Anyway, it was eventually resolved and we were on our way with John and Scott notoriously taken advantage of the 2 for 1 benefits of alcohol consumption in the skies. We were on our holidays! I’ll take this moment now to say that coincidentally George Ezra’s single Budapest had recently gain significant airplay on the radio and inevitably was going to be the soundtrack of the trip.

This was my first time flying to mainland Europe and I was very excited. I felt like a footballer for a team in the Europa league! We touched down and were in a taxi heading towards the city within 20 minutes. John conversed with our new taxi driver friend who announced, “that nothing has changed”. With eyes wide open, we visually consumed the sights from the windows of the taxi. I’m not going to get historical but we passed through former communist areas, which resembled a Call of Duty map. We also passed the Groupama Arena, current home of the Hungarian national football team and home of Ferencvarosi TC. I also spotted an Aldi, for all you supermarket enthusiasts.

We arrived at our home away from home for the next few days, Friends Hostel. The Hostel is substantially artistic in design and intention as each room is dedicated to and shows artwork of Hungarian painters, architects and inventors. Our host Jack greeted us politely but I couldn’t help but sense his disappointment as he realised the room bookings, which were under girls’ names, would have boyfriends accompanying them. Jack, you rascal. I can confirm that Torrin spotted Jack in his underpants later in the weekend, lad, lad, lad.

The buzz between all of us was incredible as were now ready to explore the nightlife of Budapest. The excitement was pregnant, anything and everything was possible. If people ask me, what is the best night out you’ve ever had? I will answer simply Szimpla Kert. It’s a beautiful place, the theatre of dreams and so easily a notorious haunt for the three Absurd men. Szimpla Kert is the pioneer of ruin pubs or ‘romkoscma’ and Budapest is filled with them. The locations were originally derelict buildings such as factories doomed to destruction but have been given a new lease of life as wild bars equipped with rejected furniture such as old hair salon chairs, computers, cars, bathtubs, you name it. It looks like a crack den but a good crack den, if that makes sense? Words and pictures simply can’t do Szimpla Kert justice; it really is an experience you have to have! Here is a video I urge you to watch which shows its design hopefully you’ll get a sense of what I’m saying http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwaA9dAM5yQ Now, will be a good time to explain the currency of Hungary. It remains the Hungarian Forint after being denied the Euro recently. Lou and me took about £400 between us which when converted was 165,000 Forint. We were bloody rich! Basically, £1 can go quite far in Hungary. The drinks were dirt-cheap and had double measurements; safe to say I consumed many Double vodka lemonades. I was Morrissey, Kerouac, everyone I ever wanted to be. It was okay I haven’t written my novel yet, it would be written tonight, I could write my Joshua tree, Achtung Baby, I was ten feet tall and having the time of my life. We hired a Santa Claus decorated sheeshaa pipe and it was glorious. I found the atmosphere in Szimpla Kert incomparable to any other bar I have ever been in, it is simply a fecking playground. Me, John and Torrin went to the bar to purchase more drinks when we started talking to Brian from Ireland who was inter railing. He was a nice fella and took John’s top of the morning joke in good humour. We promptly ordered 4 shots of the Hungarian spirit pálinka, a traditional fruit brandy. Pálinka dates back to the fourteenth century and was blended with rosemary and used by king Charles I of Hungary and his wife as a cure for arthritis. Wow, it was strong. I assume we heavily looked like this to strangers at the bar as we drank it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBcOwZDjVBY (You’ll have to copy and paste this link into your browser, as for some absurd reason its not working on here)

It was the most inebriated I have ever been and I declared I would win Eurovision for Hungary as a duo with a women on a leaflet as I rolled down the streets of Budapest.

I woke up the next morning miraculously having escaped a vicious hangover. Am I some Hungarian vodka-drinking machine?! I like to think so. The agenda for today was to take in the culture and go sightseeing. Oh yea, Hungary is really hot. We headed to see the Hungarian National Parliament building, one of the oldest legislative buildings in Europe, the largest building in Hungary and the tallest building in Budapest. It lies on the bank of the Danube River and its gothic revival architectural style is something to be admired. Up next, the chain bridge that opened in 1849 and connected Buda and Pest. There was an overzealous couple on the bridge, ahh middle-aged love. We climbed Castle hill where Buda Castle proudly sits offering stunning views of Budapest. Buda Castle was the home of Hungarian Kings and was the infamous scene of one of the biggest failures in Hungarian military history. During the Siege of Budapest between December 1944 and February 1945, the Axis Forces failed to break the Soviet Blockade and left 90% of soldiers dead. However, on a brighter note, it was the location for Katy Perry’s Firework music video and can be seen in all its glory here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw

We then ventured to the For Sale Pub. The pub was decorated with monkey nuts, straw and notes and messages left from previous visitors and had accumulated a wealth of personality and oozed a cool atmosphere. However, we soon discovered that Scott actually has an allergy to nuts, oops! It must not be forgotten that it was John’s 21st birthday and we hit the town for drinks to celebrate. I wore a shirt; well it was a special occasion!

Sunday was an important day as it was the showdown to end all showdowns as the intense rivalry between John and Scott came to a head. One man was just the World Cup Final away from being declared champion of the World Cup Dream team Corby Scots League. Scott had excellently negotiated the group stages accumulating many points but John had remained in constant competition throughout. But for now, I’ll tease the result as I recap the events of the day. We continued with our sightseeing, I saw another Aldi. Sunday was also significant as the game of foosball entered our hearts and will forever be associated with our memories of Budapest. The Yellow Zebra Bar was the scene for our inaugural foosball clashes and it was great fun. In the evening, we dined at Hooters. We were greeted with a chorus of “Hello, welcome to Hoooterrrssss”. I had originally been to Hooters in Nottingham where I felt like a very ugly man. The food was just what was needed after a busy day of walking. Reflecting back on it, we should have stayed there for the Final and accompanied the lonely German man who was sharing his face paints with the Hooters Girls. Instead, we returned to the hostel to shower and prep ourselves for our final night out in Budapest. The World Cup Final was watched on the small television in my room in Hungarian and was the location for John v Scott, winner takes all. John was over zealous in his celebratory dancing when Higuain scoring before amusingly he realised the goal was infact offside, it was a scene all too common from numerous games of Pro Evolution Soccer 6 played in the past. I can reveal that the winner was Scott, a deserving winner for his tactical nous at the beginning of the tournament. Chin up John, there’s always Euro 2016. Our location for our final night was well I don’t remember the name but it was another ruin pub and had over 20 rooms to be notorious and take a break from reality in. We again sipped double vodka lemonades, which were the staple drink of the holiday. We found a cosy ‘shitty’ room to occupy, it was lovely but a popular drug-taking place I believe. It was a chilled evening and a great way to sign off to Budapest’s nightlife. On our way back to the hotel, passing many people celebrating Germany, well Europe’s victory in the World cup. We overheard the quote of the holiday, which will not read funny at all. It was an English woman asking if a man was English and he just laughed and replied, “no, we’re from Norway” with a beaming smile. This quote was heavily used the next day and I wont apologise one bit for this.

So here it was, our last day in Budapest. It was spent playing our favourite new past time, foosball! There were scenes when Torrin accidentally kicked the leg of the rejected furniture table so popular in Hungary and resulted in my crotch being soaked in lemonade. We had a bite to eat and left for the airport. To our amazement, there was a free foosball table at the airport! Woah! Me and Torrin purchased World Cup stickers as I had an absolutely filthy addiction and we spent the plane ride home sticking them in over the skies of mainland Europe. Kenny greeted us in his party bus and we were chauffeured home to Corby.

Corby Town’s attention switched from their league campaign to the FA Cup 1st Qualifying Round this weekend. The opponents at Steel Park from Stoke on Trent, the birthplace of the famous Robbie Williams, yea he had some good songs but he did the dirty on Gary and the rest of the Take That boys, were Evo Stik Division One South’s Norton United, who had successfully navigated the previous round.

It’s a crying shame that the oldest and most famous cup competition in the world has become gradually devalued over the years, most notably the plastic glitz and glamour of the Premier League to blame. The astronomical amounts of money in the Premier League has served to undermine the FA Cup’s prestige and tradition. For example, the mentality of teams outside the top 6, is to just make sure they remain in the division and make up the numbers for seasons to come. They lack the ambition to ‘stretch’ their squads for the demands of a FA cup run believing it will disadvantage them in their pursuit for mediocrity, so therefore field weakened sides. Whilst, the top 6 are more occupied with the securing of coveted Champions League places. However, they’re most likely to win the whole competition because they can wrongly accumulate wealths of talent and go far even with their ‘weakened’ team only for the first team to play the final and pick up another medal for me to read on player Wikipedia pages when I’m bored. Whereas, for non league teams, the FA cup acts as a very welcomed distraction. The magic is still alive with the opportunity to potentially face off against football league and premier league opposition if you can successfully negotiate the four qualifying rounds. The chance to become a hero and write yourself into local folklore is the thing of dreams. Furthermore, commercial opportunities are aplenty, with a cup run meaning more exposure, potential televised games and increased numbers coming through the turnstiles combined with the prize fund from each game. It acts as a significant contribution to the cost of running the club. For example, the winners of today’s game will receive a cool £3,000. Nothing at the top level, but can go far in the non league pyramid.

Norton United came with the game plan to rattle and frustrate Corby and they executed it perfectly. Corby were lackadaisical and sloppy with many a misplaced pass. It wasn’t till the 25th minute when Wilson Carvalho was able to unleash a fierce shot which was tipped over the cross bar. From the resulting corner, Norton were caught napping and Ben Milnes was able to take advantage and score a deflected goal. It seemed like Norton’s resistance had been broken as Corby put their foot on the pedal and were able to double their lead. Carvalho influential again, winning the free kick. Mills lofted the ball in, Spencer Weir-Daley nodded on and Paul Malone made sure it cross the line. However, Norton ploughed on and were rewarded in the 44th minute. Norton’s goal came via a long ball from the Norton keeper with the Corby defender pinned and header won by the striker resulting in a well taken volley. 2-1 is a dangerous score line. Dun dun duh.

Half time entertainment came in the form of a teenager accidentally kneeing a toddler in the face. #scenes

The second half kicked off and it was much like the early stages of the first. Corby furthered their lead in the 62nd minute as Carvalho curled in a shot. Its plain to see how much he has been missed following his suspension and Corby look far more threatening in attack. There was also some fisty cuffs aka ego boosting aka being a bit of a dick. I did enjoy the little altercation I saw as a middle aged Corby man wearing the new purple/pink away shirt and sporting black sunglasses was having words with a Norton substitute. There are 2 ways of looking at fisty cuffs on a football pitch, its nice to see the players having some ‘passion’ or is it foolishly getting worked up and playing into the opposition’s favour. I believed it was the latter, I hadn’t seen an away side get under the skin of Corby as much as Norton did. I believe this was a contributing factor to the woeful defending for Norton’s 2nd and equalising goal. Norton’s Leigh Skellern couldn’t believe his luck as he was able to run through and take the ball past Walker for his second before rounding off his hat trick in the 92nd minute much to the jubilation of the Norton playing staff and fans.

Train boarded, station departed.

What day is it? I haven’t known for weeks.

Oh field, I see you over there, why so green and bare?

Would you like to help me with my word jumble? Oh I despair.

Discarded strongbow can, I feel your pain.

Look around no one here, everyday the same.

Table of 4 please. Table for 1 is what you’ll receive.

Bags are people or so it seems, fillings gaps and voids. My brain screams.

Look up, The chitter chatter of iPhone finger tapping, look down.

No eye contact made, don’t engage.

I read the paper every day, what’s going on? Don’t ask, don’t try and make sense.

Oh ham and cheese sandwich, you’re delicious.

I’m feeling numb, but imagine not enough.

Don’t think. Don’t worry,

Everything’s just fine

Just fine

It was a typical rainy bank holiday Monday in August and I was at Steel Park to watch Corby Town entertain St Neots Town. Unbeaten Corby proudly went into this fixture top of the Southern Premier League having taken 13 points from 15 with gritty victories vs Hitchin, Dunstable, Arlesey, Chesham and a draw with Cirencester helping their cause. Today’s visitors residing from the non metropolitan county of Cambridgeshire and bookies favourites for automatic promotion were St Neots Town. The general consensus was that they would pose the most competitive challenge for the Steelmen so far this campaign and the game was set nicely for an entertaining affair.

The first half kicked off and Corby found themselves behind after 5 minutes from a diagonal cross and a tap in to boot. However, Corby were able to quickly pick themselves up from this disappointment and turned it up a gear or three. Corby were rewarded for their pacey and composed attacking play after 13 minutes when Greg Mills turned sharply from close range to slot the ball past the opposition keeper. It has to be said that the opposition keeper was extremely poor, you wouldn’t think he was semi professional. He had a touch of a poor Charles Itandje impersonator about him and he didn’t know whether he was coming or going, flapped hard and kicked the ball like a poorly trained Kung fu fighter. However, who am I to talk? I always fall over when I play. A highlight of the first half was when Mills fired a free kick into the back of the St Neots’ number 9 who winced in pain and the crowd went oooo, lucky for him it was August and not January. Corby continued with the pressure but couldn’t convert the copious amount of chances they created. For lack of a better word, Corby had shat all over St Neots but were going into the break at 1-1.

Half time entertainment came in the form of the Corby Chairman undergoing the ice bucket challenge for charity and he nominated the rest of the board to undergo the challenge at the upcoming game vs Truro on Saturday. Hip hip hooray for charity. The Corby side that emerged for the second half resembled nothing of the team that departed in the first half. It was flat, lacked urgency and there seemed to be a lull. It was similar to a New Year’s Day hangover. The referee was called an “f’ing plum” often as Corby frustration grew. I thought the St Neots number 6 looked like Danny Gabbidon, when I took note of this on my iPhone it corrected it to ‘Gay Bison’. St Neots went ahead when Lorenzo Ferrari raced away eh eh eh from the Corby defenders to slot past Paul Walker. Corby’s frustration was compounded when St Neots were rewarded a dubious penalty near the end. However, you can’t give the opposition player the opportunity to go down when he’s heavily looking for it.

Here it is the third and final episode of my V Festival 2014 Experience. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried and I think all of us want this odyssey to end. It was Sunday, a Sunday I should have been working at the castle but was instead in a field watching pop music, winner winner chicken dinner.

Sunday kicked off with All Saints. It was all very mumsy karaoke till it erupted with their 1997 hit ‘Never Ever’. I always associate this song with feeling very car sick in the back of my dad’s rover when I was a small child. However, I can appreciate a good song when I hear one. Although, I’m more of a fan of 2000 single, ‘Pure Shores’ it makes me feel high and is also a quality addition to the GTA V soundtrack. We strolled over to the MTV stage to see the up and coming George Ezra. It had a very chilled vibe and one I really enjoyed. I laid on the floor and followed my Dad’s theory of “as long as I can hear it, I don’t really need to see it” which I don’t fully understand but I was tired from the night before. The crowd loved his single ‘Budapest’ and it is a song close to my heart as I had visited the city for a weekend for my friend John’s 21st in July. I have drunkenly rolled down the streets of Budapest after one too many vodka lemonades and it was glorious. I have great memories of Budapest and very much hope to go back some day. I’ve been wanting to see Pixie Lott for a while and she didn’t disappoint. However, I feel Nina Nesbitt won the battle of British female singer songwriters that weekend for me .

Kaiser Chiefs were up next and I was surprised by their early slot on the main stage. They are the ideal festival band and I couldn’t help but think they should have been booked before The Killers the previous night. Kaiser chiefs’ indie rock anthems were delivered with much aplomb by a very energetic leadman Ricky Wilson. I saw a lot of similarities between myself and Ricky when One Direction is played in Crisis. He is one of my favourite frontmen and will inspire many of my notorious antics on a Wednesday night this year. The Kaiser Chiefs set was also memorable as I saw a girl throw up in a pizza box, yea festival vibes! We had a wee break, I had chips with gravy. It was very nommy and made me appreciate how much I love gravy. Bastille followed, I first saw them in my first year at uni as I queued for a ‘secret’ gig in the student union. They were very good and have got better since. I fear the pressure for them to avoid second album syndrome but I have faith in them. It started to rain but like a good rain that cleans your head. The rhythm of the night had me dancing and a naked man helicoptering his willy.

Up next was Example. I really like Example and I think he does his job very well. I lived very much in his 2010 album Don’t Go Quietly and I like the music. He gets me jumping. My biggest regret of the weekend was not going more crazy like I had done at Rizzle Kicks the day before. I will hopefully rectify this in the future. Ed Sheeran’s set was certainly a highlight of the weekend, however it made me realise that I don’t have a good a singing voice as I thought I did. I was doing a thing where I was trying to remix my voice/lyrics if that makes sense. Anyway, I was singing the loudest. 2 more men helicoptered their willies but they were eclipsed by a middle aged woman who had taped E and D to her breasts to spell ED. The camera saw her and she was greeted by a unanimous eww by the crowd, but fair play getting your baps out though! It is a festival after all!

The time had come, it was time for Elbow to headline the MTV stage. I left my party who opted to watch Justin Timberlake and took my position looking on centre stage. I love Elbow, they’re euphoric, lyrically fantastic and personify everything I like in life. Guy Garvey is the man I want to become. More importantly, they wrote the official anthem of Eldangeotopia in the form of ‘My Sad Captains’. To quote George Churchman, “My Sad Captains is a requiem for the hedonistic years of one’s life. It’s message should not be overlooked.It is a song that leaves your soul feeling enriched with the memory of moments in the past, and urges you to appreciate every little moment”. The set was beautiful despite a middle aged man near me telling Guy Garvey to “F off you fat prick” every time he spoke to the crowd. Why are you here? You’re no spring chicken yourself and to use the words of King Curtis, “you don’t have to be mean, you can be nice”.

Welcome back to the second episode/instalment of my V Festival 2014 experience. It’s long overdue and I sincerely apologise for any inconvenience caused. However, I have been a man stuck between 2 bus stops. To be honest, my levels of absurdity can be detrimental to my writing process. I feel like I have all these ideas rushing around my mind but struggle to construct them onto a blank word document, I feel like lightning in a bottle. I want to dance with my words like I dance in da clubs of Nottingham but feel my absurdity has been oppressed by academic institutions telling me how I should write. I don’t like that one bit. But that is subject matter for another day and for another blog. Anyway, here’s some insider knowledge for you, when I feel like the above, I play the High School Musical soundtrack to get me started and ride those positive vibes and I feel lucid. I have eaten a slice of bread too fast and it’s now causing me chest pain and I’m listening to All Saints’ Pure Shores on repeat. I think I’m ready to begin. Where were we? Ahhh Saturday! The first day of V Festival 2014! Gather round children.

I woke up Saturday morning and I had not been eaten by any cows. I didn’t expect that would happen anyway but always got to be thankful to not die any cow related death. I have always wanted to own a cow, inspired by a 2008 trip to Ireland. I would call it Percy. We arrived at the actual V site midday and exchanged our paper tickets for our orange wristbands, oh la la. Carling was the main alcoholic drink sponsors and drink tokens were priced at a steep £4.80. This made me think of fellow sad captain Daniel’s travels to the Bargain Booze every Wednesday before Crisis where you can purchase 2 bottles of wine for £5. It must be said that I was reeling from his departure on Friday to spend a year in Charleston as well as George leaving for Texas later that week. The 3 absurd men were going 3 separate ways. The very thought makes me feel weak but I must be strong, I must be the caretaker of Eldangeotopia in their absence. George suggested that I call my shoes George and Dan so I would always have them with me. I will be doing so. I would like to dedicate Rita Ora’s sublime cover of Coldplay’s Magic that weekend to them. “I call it magic, when I’m next to you”. Don’t worry fellas; I will be the lighthouse that guides you back home.

We kicked off the weekend with seeing Sons & Lovers first on the Futures Stage. I had previously seen them as a support act for Ellie Goulding’s 2012 Halcyon tour and was interested to see how they have progressed since. Plus, I also have a wee crush on the drummer, phwoar! More on my male crushes later. Sons & Lovers’ set was very good and I joked that they were the best band we had seen all weekend, get it? As they were the only band we had seen. https://vine.co/v/MTK6XYjXDqM Moving on, Newton Faulkner was next on the bill. I enjoyed his characteristic percussive style of guitar playing and Write it on your Skin was very pleasant. It set the mood nicely for Train up next. Now the band Train, I feel would have immense influences if the Three Absurd Men were ever to form a band. Well known for their commercially and critically successful hit single Drops of Jupiter, many have labelled them a one hit wonder. I disagree, I believe they have a solid catalogue of quality, well written songs to fall back on, albeit only Hey, Soul Sister and Drive By being recognisable to non-fans of Train. They did not disappoint and brought out the sun for a while in what was a very overcast day. I think I had a ham and cheese toastie either before Train or after. Sorry, I can’t remember. It was now 3.15pm and time for the wonderful Nina Nesbitt’s set in the Arena Stage. I was very looking forward to it, having been impressed by her fresh and feisty song writing style about growing up and witty eye for detail and pop culture references. She’s also really fit innit. It was certainly one of my highlights of the weekend. Next up was Jason Derulo. I purely wanted to see Derulo for his shirt ripping antics as seen here at T4 on the Beach in 2011. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WX0U4BYqgIc. Unfortunately, much to my disappointment we didn’t see any shirt ripping and we only saw 1 song. However, what a song to see, it was Ridin Solo! I danced around like I was steering car; it was a fun 4 minutes. I mentioned Rita Ora earlier, she was solid, and I knew she would never let me down eh eh eh.

I think it’s time for a new paragraph. I just wanted to quickly explain why I love live music. I really love that you can create that buzz, draw emotion, create collective experience and memories. The fact that it can offer an escape from everyday life and you can openly express yourself freely through song and dance really appeals to me. This is why I loved Rizzle Kicks’ set so much; it was fresh, fun and full of life. Without doubt, my favourite of the entire weekend. I have liked the sounds and lyrics of Rizzle Kicks since their first album Stereo Typical was released in 2011. I rented it from my local library for a £1 back when I was more of a sad loser than I am now. I lost myself during Mama do the hump, yea I know it’s unbelievably kitsch but I am a very kitsch man. I have the ability to lose my inhibitions completely sober. There is a video of my dancing exploits on Kai’s mobile telephone but it is too absurd for public consumption.

The headliners for Saturday were The Killers. I am a big fan of The Killers but even a bigger fan of Brandon Flowers. The man is simply beautiful. He is certainly challenging Bono and Guy Garvey for my number 1 man crush. This was to be my 4th time seeing The Killers live. I often perform their hits in front of the imaginary crowd in my head, they always love me. I know all of Brandon Flowers’ stage actions; I know when the fireworks will go off, the whole lot! So you can imagine my disappointment when the only way I can describe the performance was like running a bath and really looking forward to it but coming back and realising it was cold. My boi, Brandon was paining away to get it livened up but the crowd was stoned cold dead. What was happening? The people in front of me were quite frankly acting as a windbreaker. These are the headliners, least look a little lively. The Killers sounded great as usual but this was different, it didn’t feel good, I felt uncomfortable, more uncomfortable than I will feel at pre drinks this year as I occupy the empty space in front of the sink or fridge alone. I felt like Simba in the Lion King when his father Mufasa died. I think people were more interested in selfie taking or maybe The Killers were too ‘heavy’ for them and Justin Timberlake tomorrow was more to their liking.

Hello all, my name is Elliott and I have a story to tell, are you ready? Every story has a protagonist and in this story it’s me, your wonderful host. Now, I know the blog has a loyal, core support and I can say speaking on behalf of 3 Absurd men, we are extremely proud of this. To quote 1/5 of One Direction Louis Tomlinson, “It’s just a teamwork between us and them”. However, this blog is open to the world, so people are not privy to our character. So I thought I take this moment to give them a quick gist of how I would describe myself and hopefully it will give my story much more substance. So Hello world, I’m Elliott/Elliot/Eliot and I’m prone to unfortunate events which I like to call ‘Donkey experiences’. Just for general understanding, ‘donkey’ is a footballing term for when a footballer messes up or naively foolish. In this context, I would describe myself as the Titus Bramble of everyday life without the rape allegation. I would happily accept comparisons between myself and the one and only Will McKenzie. To be honest, right now my mind feels trapped writing this intro like it’s actually hurting, it’s making my hands itch so I would like to delve right into this story if I may.

I’ll set the scene, V Festival 2014, Weston Park, Staffordshire. My first music festival. I feel like I want to lose myself and dance but I have to write this blog, I will dance on the keyboard with my fingers. Tap tap tap. Please excuse, any tenses issue please, think of it as a LOST flashback, flash sideways or something. It’s Friday evening, I should explain how I have gotten to this stage as I tap away on my iPhone notes app on an inflatable sofa overlooking fellow camp dwellers. The interest to attend a music festival originated in 2009 whilst in sixth form. However, despite a mixed successful day at Reading 2011, I still had not taken the plunge and done a full on weekend. It was decided, 2014 was the year, 2 weeks before I turn 21, it was time to banish my anxiety, camp in a field and immerse myself in contemporary pop music for 2 days. I would say I’m a seasoned regular on the gig circuit. Pretentious Prick. I prefer saying concert but people always look at you weird when you say that, I think gig may be a cooler word than concert. Anyway, the weekend of August 15th- 17th will forever be etched in my memory for I have learnt a lot and more importantly, survived to tell the tale.

We left Corby on a sunny Friday afternoon. I was optimistic, ready for the adventure ahead. The weekend felt pregnant. Anything was possible, new experiences to be had, new stories to be told. We discussed which acts we would see in the upcoming days. For me, I was Elbow Bound with a bit of my Brandon Flowers fill on the side. The smooth tones of Guy Garvey and ‘My Sad Captains’ made it the priority of the weekend for me. Anyway, enough of that gibber jabber. I was about to experience my first hardship of the weekend, I needed a wee badly. We were stuck in traffic, no services in sight. Now I must make it clear, I am attending V with Louise and her family. I had to stick or twist. There was an empty diet Pepsi bottle, do I or don’t I? Could I pee in the car? It was a serious question, I had been in a relationship with Lou for 3 years, was this allowed? My father has taught me 2 things in life, 1. Be wary of rape in Uni nightclubs and 2. If you gotta go, you go. Me being my Will McKenzie self, I asked for permission. “Excuse me, would you actually mind if I was to pee in this bottle please?” I had set my stall out, it must be noted I didn’t know how far away we were from our destination. I had accepted the consequence of future banter for this necessary back up precaution. If needs must, I had my diet Pepsi bottle. However, embarrassingly so we were only 1 junction away. Awkward. Heroically, I was able to hold on and add it onto the many trials and tribulations I have faced in which I call my life. Best wee I’ve ever had though.

We arrived at the campsite, admittedly it was not the official V camp site. We had booked onto a local farm that was letting a field out as a family campsite. That meant access to toilets and showers, however my biggest fear, public toilets ahhh. But after my recent experience, I was content. I and Kai set out to put up the tent. My first ever attempt at doing so. It had a step father son exercise esque feel to it and one I thoroughly enjoyed despite my bending of 4 pegs with my brute strength. Actually, it was accomplished by my wielding of a mallet like a very badly dressed unfunny clown. I stated my intention on twitter that I wanted to appear like George Churchman hungover this weekend and that was to look homeless, however I think I came across more polite public school boy instead, but hey can’t hide what you are. Now I have been camping before, I believe I was 10. It was in Canada, all I really remember of it was my father telling me he had to chase a skunk away from my head as I slept. The man had saved me from a skunk attack, I love the man dearly. Hopefully, there will be no round 2 of skunk attacks this weekend; do we have skunks in England?

The second hardship of the day, I faced was the disposing of a dead, decaying rabbit we had discovered. I was presented with 2 options. One was to kick it away, what am I some manly man who kicks dead animals away? No, I went for the liberal option and with a couple of squeals I used an Asda carrier bag to pick up and dispose of said rabbit. I’ve been in Stafford an hour and here I was already picking up a dead rabbit in a plastic bag, what had I become? I said this weekend would break me, I didn’t know how my absurdity would respond to the environment I was about to head into. If I was disposing of dead animals before the festival had even started, what will happen when I enter the V festival arena?