#vestibulitis

I decided to pop into the vulvodynia tag to see if there was anything new (and was extremely disappointed to see that fucking band is still taking it over--once again, kindly leave), and I’ve seen quite a few posts about how people don’t know how to tell people about their illness/es because of the area and how society reacts to “women’s problems”.

When I was first diagnosed, I didn’t know how to explain it either for the very same reason: fuck you, it’s an illness that I did nothing to get and I’m not ashamed of having it.  However, there are times when someone doesn’t need to know all the details, or you simply don’t want to go into it.  So my then-boyfriend came up with this: tell them you have “a lower spinal nerve and musculature disorder” (I have high tone PFD and IC as well, so you could cut it to “lower spinal nerve disorder” should you please).  It’s true, it conveys the seriousness of what you’re going through, and it more likely than not will cover any visible symptoms the person you’ve told will witness.

PT: Vestibulitis Pride Flag /end PT

ID: A flag with a greyed-out black background and a gradient filter that changes from purple at the top to cyan at the bottom. The filter is not very opaque. On the flag there are three thin horizontal lines of the same size. There is one in the center and two near the ends of the flag. Their colors are, from top to bottom, white, cyan and white. end ID

Vestibulitis/Vestibulodyna: a particular form of vulvodinia, the most common one. Vestibulodynia results in localized pain on the area of the vulva called "vestibule", at the vaginal entrance. This can occur either during any contact (sexual intercourse, wearing too tight clothing, prolonged sitting position, etc.), or only during an attempt at penetration. People with vulvar vestibulitis are less prone to chronic pain than people with other forms of vulvodynia; in the case of vestibulodynia, the pain is usually caused by physical contact with the vulvar region. This is called “induced vestibulodynia“.

A lot of people grow up with a very specific image in mind when they imagine “the talk,” aka the first time they hear about sex from their parents. For me, it means something completely different-- a curse, actually, one that I can’t escape, one that I have no clue who bestowed it upon me except perhaps faulty genetics. 

For me, “the talk,” is having to explain to yet another man my eternal, un-asked for dilemma: I can’t have penetrative sex. You see, I was born with congenital neuroproliferative vestibulodynia-- in layman’s terms, that means that from birth, I’ve had a constant overgrowth of nerve endings in the vestibule portion of my vagina. And while some people probably hear that and think, “Nice! Sounds like a great time!” It’s anything but. When the nervous system receives an overload of feedback, it can actually feel excruciating. The first time I described it to my mother as a 13 year old attempting to insert a tampon, I used words like, “knives,” “burning” “fire,” and “acid.” To make matters worse, I developed secondary vaginismus as a result of the pain; to fear pain means to guard via muscular intervention, and to guard means to be in further pain. Years of nortriptylene, gabapentin, lidocaine, cymbalta, physical therapy, biofeedback, and “miracle cure ointments” that I don’t know how to spell couldn’t save me. In September of 2020, I had something called a vestibulectomy, in which a surgeon removes the vulvar vestibule and advances the elastic tissue of the vagina to essentially replace bad tissue with good tissue. While the surgery was somewhat successful and I can now proudly wear tampons, I find myself faced with the same burden as before... I still can’t have sex. I’m not sure what happened, exactly. A lot of vagina-havers come out of the surgical process pain-free. Alas, witches or God or faulty genes don’t remove a curse that easily. Last night, I had to give the talk again-- this time to a guy I really hit it off with several weeks ago.

“I know this is a really weird mood killer... But like, I just need to spit it out in case this is like a dealbreaker, and I hope it’s not weird.” 

“Oh come on, I doubt it, what is it?” He asked encouragingly.

(We had been really amping up the flirting the past several days. It was time.)

“So I have chronic pain.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” And from there, I proceeded to tell him pretty much everything I just told you, except I did add in a spicy little, “There are other things I can do.” He listened quietly, giving an “uh huh,” and a nod every now and then. And yet, I could see it on his face-- the disappointment that I’ve become very familiar with throughout years of dating and being dumped or gradually un-touched. I’ll give him some slight credit; he tried masking it behind a, “I mean, that’s alright. Nobody’s perfect. We’re creative.”

I know he meant no harm by the “nobody’s perfect” line. He was trying to reassure me that maybe it was something that could be worked around. But as I laid in bed after our phone call, I couldn’t help but feel pretty burned by that comment. I’m fine just the way I am. I didn’t ask for this. This is not my fault. This is not a mistake I made and now must face consequences for. This is a weird fluke; the definition of “shit happens [in the womb].” 

The thing is, I want to be loved for everything I am, not despite everything I am. 

Now that I have the dialogue written up for this one shot I wanted to see if you guys would be interested in reading (along side Curse of the Caribbean visual novel) I wanted to start fleshing out the chapters more.

So what better way then to turn them into anime screen caps!

This short story topic will be a bit more personal (not like all of my comics aren't already personal) for me because it will touch on a very private matter that I struggle with mentally and physically.

Since I don'y like stories that are very dark and heartbreaking I do plan on this story have a lot of fluff and comedy to keep the feel upbeat and the story light.

This story will be a supernatural story and the main character's name is E'lyric and she has a medical condition where physical contact is painful. She's an aspiring author who specializes in supernatural stories but because of her eversion to physical contact her writing is less then...spicy for the type of field she is in. She has a passion for stories and is working hard to make ends meet while typing her stories away in her one room rat infested apartment. Her condition also makes it hard to create relationships with others and the relationships she dose have she is afraid of losing it if they find out that hand holding is as far as they can go and even that causes sever pain.

I know this screenshot looks really sad and gloomy but I promise the comic will be filled with lots of comedy to help make covering this personal subject a lot easier and less embarrassing for me.

The supporting character in this story will be a vampire who doesn't like drinking blood from living creatures so usually he limits himself to feasting on rats while abiding by his 3 second rule (he has 3 seconds from the time of the rodents death to drink its blood before he's too grossed out by it.)

For this story I wanted the story plot to be very simple and answer whatever question or statement I might have on my mind about this situation. I want to turn sad negative thoughts and struggles into something light hearted and funny. Finding something to change my perception helps me to cope better with medical situations that are out of my hand.

I know what I said is a little vague right now but I've been wanting to talk about this without really talking about it because it's so personal. So what better way then changing it into a supernatural story and creating a character that has a condition similar but not exactly like yours and encourage/neuture a positive mindset!

PT: Dyspareunia Pride Flag /end PT

ID: A flag with a greyed-out black background and a gradient filter that changes from purple at the top to cyan at the bottom. The filter is not very opaque. On the flag there are three thin horizontal lines of the same size close to each other. Their colors are, from top to bottom, white, cyan and white. end ID

Dyspareunia: a chronic or periodic pain in the genital area or within the pelvis during and/or after sexual intercourse. The pain can be sharp or intense. It can occur before, during, or after sexual intercourse. The subtypes of dysapreunia are vestibulitis and vulvodinia.