#dyspareunia

🍑 Sex IRL & Smut in Fanfiction: my experience 🍑

cw ahead: medical treatments, medical negligence, misdiagnosis, painful intercourse due to medical reasons

you didn't ask for it but you're getting it anyway —🦊

I experience this semi-frequently when I do not have any other symptoms of a yeast infection (or anything else) and sometimes even when I use lube.

I had thought maybe it was something I'm allergic too but it's happened with several different kinds of lube/lubed condoms.

Thank you for your work on this blog!!!

Well, pelvic muscle issues, IBS, endometriosis, bladder problems, vaginal injuries and chronic pain are some common ones I know of.

(To be clear, you don't have to have general chronic pain. If you're feeling that pain on any repetitive/semi/regular basis, it's considered chronic and its called vulvodynia (chronic pain of the genitals, specifically vagina and/or vulva) and dyspareunia (the term for painful intercourse, specifically penetration).)

It's generally something that's a good idea to get checked out, especially since there are so many possible reasons but sometimes the reason is unknown and/or boils down to you have chronic pain, which I know isn't very satisfying but I thought I should mention it.

For those who don’t know what vaginismus is: Vaginismus, also called genito-pelvic pain/penetration disorder (GPPPD), is a sexual pain disorder that involves involuntary muscle contractions, tightening, or tensing around the vaginal entrance during penetration. It can make it difficult (or even impossible) to have penetrative sex, insert a tampon, undergo a gynecological exam, have a transvaginal (internal) ultrasound, or, in some severe or untreated cases, even give birth vaginally.

Okay, so, most people can stretch their muscles. Stretching might feel tight or mildly uncomfortable at first, but with time, it becomes easier and eventually usually feels good. If someone hasn’t stretched in a long time, is new to it, or overdoes it, it might hurt a bit or leave them sore the next day, but it should be tolerable.👉 That’s what sex feels like for someone w/o vaginismus. Like a deep stretch that the body allows and adapts to over time.

Penetration during sex is ideally pleasurable. At the very least, for someone w/o underlying issues, it may feel like fullness or a deep stretch. Sometimes intense, but generally tolerable. If it’s her first time or it’s been a while since she’s had sex, it might feel a bit painful and leave her sore. Similarly, if the sex is rough or the partner’s penis is particularly large, there may be discomfort and soreness, but the penetration itself is manageable.

But now imagine someone w a locked muscle. Not just tight, but one that seizes up involuntarily. If you try to stretch it too far, too fast, or w/o prep, their muscle reflexively tenses up. Or imagine someone who is veerryy inflexible being forced into a deep stretch, like the splits. Trying to push them into that position (especially w/o warming up) wouldn’t just be uncomfortable. It would be excruciatingly painful. Or perhaps, simply not possible. Forcing it could tear muscles, cause bruising, lead to lasting injury, etc.

That’s what vaginismus is like. For a woman w vaginismus, penetration isn’t just a stretch that feels tight or mildly uncomfortable at first. It’s like shoving a very inflexible person or a person w a locked, seizing muscle into a deep stretch by force. If you try to force penetration past those clenched vaginal muscles, it can be excruciatingly painful and can cause tears, abrasions, bruising, bleeding, etc. It can also worsen the condition, causing the muscles to clench even harder the next time. And in some cases, penetration isn’t just painful, it’s physiologically blocked. Can feel like “hitting a wall.” Just like how someone who’s very inflexible may find a deep stretch physically impossible.

A vaginal dilator is a plastic or silicone rod and is typically tapered towards the end. Dilators can help train your vaginal muscles to relax if you experience pain during penetration. Please consult a physician if you experience pain. Some therapists will suggest use of a dilator kit ranging in sizes from small to large.

Cisgender girls are taught that vaginal sex is supposed to hurt the first time (or first few times) you have penetrative sex. This message proliferates within families and across the media we consume. While we know this is not true—intercourse should absolutely not hurt—talking about unwanted pain during intercourse is still taboo. Dominant culture defines sex between cisgender men and women as an inequitable transaction—women endure discomfort and pain in service of men’s pleasure; pain is viewed as a twisted right of passage that women should expect and bear. However, the pain is supposed to go away after you’re no longer a “novice,” right? But what if it doesn’t go away?

Painful penetration (e.g., sex, using tampons, etc.) is called dyspareunia, and it is not something that “should” happen to anyone during vaginal or anal sex. While sometimes the issue is due to lack of lubrication and/or arousal, sometimes dyspareunia is a sign of something more serious. According to the American Sexual Health Association, there are two types of dyspareunia: primary, and secondary. Primary dyspareunia refers to pain during initial or attempted vaginal penetration (“entry pain”), whereas secondary refers to pain during deeper vaginal penetration (“deep pain”). While there is not always a direct cause of dyspareunia, the ASHA identifies several conditions that could cause primary or secondary dyspareunia, including vaginismus (pain caused by involuntary muscle contractions around the vaginal opening), endometriosis, and fibroids. Some people even experience pain during normal, daily activities like walking and exercising. Some people cannot experience penetration at all. People with primary dyspareunia likely notice a problem early—for many, inserting a tampon is very painful or even impossible. However, some go through life having little to no issues and enter a whirlwind of confusion, shame, and pain when they first begin to have penetrative sex. Although there are various treatment options, there is no guarantee of improvement.

Growing up, I received conflicting messages about pain and bleeding during sex. Even trusted authorities like health teachers drilled it into us that it’s going to hurt when you have sex for the first time, and you might even bleed, too. Just like pain, bleeding is also not a normal thing that should happen to you. Blood represents internal microtears of the skin and while they heal on their own, it can put you at increased risk of infections. I didn’t notice that something was seriously wrong and that I needed medical intervention until well into young adulthood, even though I had been experiencing less severe, intermittent pain since I began using tampons. Dangerous messages around the naturalness of pain during sex led me to ignore the issue for much longer than I should have. “Just use more lubricant,” is something I have repeatedly heard prescribed as a remedy for pain during penetrative sex, but this is not a viable option for dyspareunia; while it can help some, lubricant alone doesn’t address the underlying medical and psychological contributors of dyspareunia. It was only when I was finally seen by a pelvic floor physical therapist that I understood how lubricant was only a temporary alleviator. A part of me had accepted that I would just have to suffer through a certain amount of pain in order to enjoy what I thought was a healthy, adult sexual life. I was wrong, and I wish I would have sought help sooner. The reality is that shame keeps many of us from speaking about this to others.

THERE IS AN INCREDIBLY CISGENDER, HETEROSEXUAL, ABLE-BODIED BEND TO THE WAY WE DISCUSS INTERCOURSE, AND A FOCUS ON CIS MALE PLEASURE.

My well-being was certainly suffering. Even medical professionals in the OBGYN arena may not be knowledgeable about this issue or understand the impact it has on quality of life—they will often tell you to “just try kegels,” even though this can actually make the issue worse. It wasn’t until I met with the physical therapist that I learned that, with conditions like vaginismus, the problem is that your muscles are overactive, contracting strongly when they shouldn’t, and they need to be taught to relax as much as possible—they don’t need to be strengthened.

Sorry I just don’t know where to post this because I feel a bit embarrassed about it…

I am ace and I am dealing with vaginism and dyspareunia. They are both medical conditions affecting genitals. Due to that, sex by penetration is impossible for me.

I am panromantic and with my ex fiancée I never had an issue because we never had sex with penetration. After she dumped me, I stayed single for a long time and I felt like I became more asexual, having less libido than before. I was comfortable that way.

However now I am thinking about dating again and since I am panromantic like I said, I wouldn’t mind dating a man. The problem is that because of my medical issues, I feel like sometimes I really want to have sex with a man but I am so afraid because of penetration (I never did it). I think that I kinda convinced myself that I am 100% ace while in fact I might me demisexual, just because I am very anxious and not comfortable with it.

I don’t really know how to deal with this and I wonder if some women are also going through this.

Thank you 🙏

hi! you have nothing to be embarassed about. i don't really know much about this topic though, maybe some of my followers wanna weigh in?

what i wanna say to you is mostly that, if you do date men, you absolutely do not need to engage in penetrative sex to have a fulfilling sex life. make this boundary clear, and if someone pressures you, leave his ass.

and it's ok to be scared! i can definitely relate to the feeling. take it step by step, explore your sexuality on your own timeline, always prioritize your own comfort.