#vessimir

Yennefer: Puppies.

Ciri: Am not.

Yennefer: Ok, truly? Murder.

Ciri: What? How did you...! Oh my god, do Lambert!

Yennefer: also murder... and pecan pie.

Ciri: Vessimir?

Yennefer: The seaside.

Ciri: Jaskier?

Yennefer: Not appropriate for children. Oh, gods, Jaskier! Definitely not appropriate for children.

Ciri: Geralt?

Yennefer: Puppies.

Ciri: Yen!

Yennefer: No, really, little wolf puppies play fighting and sleeping. It's really very sweet.

Things I didn't like : POC gore porn in the first five minutes, Witcher slaughter slight justification, Bury Your Gays (Luka my love you deserved better)

Things I did like: Vessimir being a traumatized little shit that has to confront his internalized(Bad) coping mechanisms after having his belief shattered, LUKA, little Geralt, ILLYANA, baby elf mutant, elf fucking not fucking around with people being assholes.

Real talk here, I understand people being unhappy with the AU take. From what I understand in the books the witchers and elves were victimized minorities that had never done anything to deserve the bigotry they were subjected to. The main theme of the books was that bigotry and hate lead to undeserved and stupid violence. It's best in these situations to just set aside adaptations of the books we love as an AU take rather than a canon rehash.

If it helps my view through the movie was this; Witchers were in decline before Vessimir was even recruited(in the movie, the pogrom in the books occured when Geralt was an adult), but they were still getting donations, law of surprise, and unwanted children that the mages mutated. As demonstrated in the movie and stated in the books, very few of the children survived this process. The Witchers that train and bring the boys in are not innocent of this process, in the books or in the movie. But as most people with trauma can tell you the cycle of violence can be very much 'I went through this and I'm fine, so they will be too'.

Looking at the timeline(not the books) with the view that the Witchers were already in decline and needed money to feed themselves, they became more and more desperate for money. This is not taking into account the untold trauma these people grew up with and had to deal with as the survivors of their mutations.

Looking at these changes I can't help but think that the people who made the Netflix movie thought this: these people have been taking in and killing children for decades, in the process to mutate them into monster killing machines. They took this and thought: well thats a little fucked up.

The movie shows that what Vessimir puts up is mostly a front: He tries to talk to Kitsu first, he lets the elf and the mutated girl go. These are situations where it would be lucrative to just go for the kill. When he's utterly insensitve to Tetra, looking back with these things in mind and the discrimination we have seen Witchers subject to, it makes sense to me that he would be flippant and hostile to Tetra's attempt to justify her hate of Witchers. At his heart Vessimir was still the kind boy who tried to comfort another boy who was scared to death. He was the boy who tried to save his fellow initiates and was taught a harsh lesson that his life could end in a milisecond. So when he survived and was able to fulfill his dream of achieving wealth he leaned into it hard. After all, what does anything else matter when he can bury himself in the pleasures of life?

The older Witcher in the movie justifies the creation of monsters as something he needed to do to protect his family, 'his boys'. Making the center of his motivations the brotherhood with his fellow Witchers. When Vessimir is upset, Luka is the one who goes out with him. It's obvious that the Witchers care for eachother where society does not.

All of these things come together and lead to a bigot baming the actions of one on the many and using the hostility that first drove the Witcher's into isolation to incite a sacking of their home and the slaughter of witchers.

I didn’t forget this babe 😘 however I gotta get up at 3:15 am so we’re gonna hit this one with a headcanon format bc I can crank it out faster.

I HC the boys to be teens (Eskel is 18 and Geralt is probably17- ish and Lambert is 14)

Warnings: mention of the foster system, weed, general teenage shenanigans? 

Ves wants the boys to meet Guxart before they make anything ‘facebook official’ - the boys groan at this. V not cool. Big boomer energy. 

Geralt does the typical ‘middle child bullshit’ and makes plans that he “just can't flake on dad! they need me there or the whole thing will fall apart!” - he’s gonna go snog Jask at the drive-in but don't tell Ves. 

Eskel just sighs and takes a massive bong rip right before Guxart gets there. He knows this is gonna be a shit show. He’s got the ‘oldest kid responsibility’ tho so he’s at least gonna be there. his sense of duty is a lil twisted but he's trying his best

Lambert prepares for WAR

He paces his room fuming, he doe not like new people, nor does he like the idea that his dad gets down. he can't handle it. Geralt and Eskel were the ones to give him The Talk. Thinking about Ves??? having a boyfriend????? oh my god?????

Guxart is old fashioned. He tries to talk sports, which almost works until he reveals he’s a fan of Lambert’s team’s rival. 

He tries doing the whole ‘here I brought candy’ but these boys were from the foster system before Ves adopted them and that just makes them edgy. 

He tries asking about their girlfriends and Lambert just snaps “You’re gay, you shouldn’t assume.” like a dickhead

Eskel is at least amiable, or so Ves thinks. He politely laughs at jokes, nods along to stories, asks interesting questions, until Lambert makes a rude joke and Eskel fucking loses it.

Cat’s out, Responsible Eldest Child TM is baked out of his mind and Ves is furious. 

Guxart goes home a little earlier than planned to “give them family time” - he’s just mildly terrified of the little one. 

Geralt comes home in the middle of them getting yelled at and tries to sneak Jask upstairs and that is its own lecture

In the end, they settle for a second go on neutral turf and Lambert takes a hit beforehand this time, not Eskel. 

Geralt is now ready for battle because of all the exaggerated shit he’d heard from Lambert, but he’s the quiet watching kind so he doesn’t pull anything before he’s sure. 

Guxart mentions he saw a really good musician at an open mic night at the coffee shop - it just so happens to be Jask and Geralt immediately likes him 

“He likes Buttercup’s singing, what asshole could like the sweet things he sings about?” - Lambert smacks him upside the head for this, but mostly because he’s tired of hearing “Buttercup this- Buttercup that” 

Eskel warms up a little talking nerdy shit. 

Lambert is still annoyed but stays civil at least. 

Ves deadass almost cries in the car on the way home because he’s just so relieved that his three little nightmares (whom he loves dearly) didn’t drive someone he thinks he really might love away. 

Lambert kinda feels bad and gives him a hug later, once the other boys had locked themselves away in their room, “Sorry dad. I didn’t think it meant that much to you.” 

Ves squeezes him tight and sighs, “I know. I wouldn’t bring someone home if I thought they weren’t good people.” 

Lambert has that really small voice again from when Ves first brought him in as a foster when he was 8, “I just forget sometimes.”

Cue the tearful father-son bonding moment a-la 90′s family drama

Cohen: hmm... kill them all.

Vessimir: agree.

Lambert: yeah me too.

Ciri: ... I don't think you guys know how to play this game.

They once recorded the conversations at Thanksgiving dinner and just posted it unedited.

Fans want to hear more from Vessimir, but only on the topic of how pretentious Geralt was as a child.

No one knew Jask and Geralt were married til season 5 when Jask says 'babe' (which is common bc he's just constantly over affectionate) and Geralt responds with 'darling' and the fans go buck wild.

They post a little 5 minute montage of wedding photos/clips in response to all the questions with the caption "no shit Sherlock?" Bc Geralt thought it was obvious.

They actually end up solving a cold case one time and Lambert is SO annoyed with the attention they're getting and the smug looks Jaskier gives him.

Meet and greets get wild. All the booze. They go WAY over time on any and all panels bc they're just so into it and Geralt wants to hear all the theories regardless of how stupid they are bc "its important in any investigation to think outside the box"

Geralt throwing Jask over his shoulder when he gets too excited (and angry) over a suspect in that one cold case he cannot stop thinking about.

Valdo runs a podcast himself that started true crime but morphed into roasting Jask and trying to prove their theories wrong. He doesn't upload for three months when they solved the cold case.

Geralt has a rant at least once every couple episodes on proper crime scene and evidence collecting procedure. He's sick of these lazy deputie's and officer's shit.

Jaskier cries often. Our boy is empathetic af and fans start sending kleenexes to the studio they record in. Pretty soon they have to tell people to stop bc there's just too many. They donate them to shelters and preschools.

They are asked for merch so they do tshirts and tank tops with images of blue latex gloves, evidence bags, and long tweezers with the text "don't be fucking lazy" and there's a couple different versions with names of shitty coroners (Fami Malik anyone?) or cops that threw entire cases by fucking up the chain of evidence.

Y’all can thank @bounce-a-coin-off-your-witcher for encouraging me to do this, I defs would have just thought about it for a couple months then forgot 😂

Pairing: None for this part

Warning: talk of violence and murder, retelling of Theseus and The Minotaur myth, talk of human sacrifice, if theres more plz let me know!

Summary/Notes: Myth background in case you didn’t go past the PJO books with your mythology obsession like I did. In ancient Greek mythology they believed in ‘joint fatherhood’ so basically the kid would have attributes from both fathers (bc philosophy was the tits back then not necessarily biology) King Aegeus (Vessimir) couldn’t produce an heir with his wife so he went to the Oracle of Delphi and she told him to ‘open his wine sack’ (helpful right?) long story short he bangs a princess and then Athena (patron goddess of Athens) tells the princess to go down to the sea with an offering where she bangs Posiden (co-patron god of Athens) hence Theseus (Geralt) is not only a demigod but a bastard prince.  I think this is all the background yall are gonna need if you don’t already know the myth

__________

Geralt knew the story well. For as long as he could remember, his mother would comb his stark white hair before bed and he would ask, “Tell me about my fathers?” She would smile fondly and begin to braid his hair in a pattern much like her own. 

“My little hero, your fathers are powerful, fair, righteous men. You have not only the blessing and favor of Poseidon, but the right to the throne of Athens.”

When he was younger he would squirm and protest, “I know mumma, but who were they?”

Vissena would sigh and change the subject until he was older, at which point she began letting the crumbs fall from her words. Crumbs Geralt followed to the truth of his heritage, piecing together stories his grandfather had told him about a sword and sandals pinned beneath a stone. 

When he was twelve, his mother told him the truth.

“You are destined to free the city of Athens from a terrible fate. When you can lift the stone and retrieve your father’s sword you may travel to his palace and claim your place as prince…” Her voice came to a strangled end before she coughed and continued “But you mustn't think about that now. You’ve rope to braid and cattle to feed.”

NIGHTMARE OF THE WHITE WOLF. It was awesome, really really good.