#vent trigger warning

I'll make this my pinned post for a little while just so everybody knows what's going on. My navigation post will be here, just in case someone needs it.

Hello, my darlings. I'm sorry if this seems sudden, but I've just got something to say really quick.

I won't be responding to any vents that are/were sent in my inbox for a little while. I'm really, really sorry, but I'm not in the right headspace to look at or answer those asks.

I'll be doing the stuff I usually do, like writing, reblogging and chatting but I'll probably be way less responsive/talkative. I just... Feel a bit drained at the moment. ^^'

You don't have to send me any sort of uplifting messages in my inbox either. It's good to know that I may have your support, but I'll just feel like I'm sorta... Forcing you to do it.

Please note that none of you have ever or will ever bother me. I'm just going through my own shit that I have to get through before being able to help others.

CW for vent under the cut.

i consider myself to be semiverbal or selectively mute, i can’t quite find the right one but maybe selectively mute is the better one. however, i’m pretty sure i’m neurotypical and using these words makes me guilty because i feel like disrespecting the people who are neurodivergent and go through similar stuff.

i’m learning asl but no one irl knows it, and it hurts a lot to watch my friends get confused and ultimately ignore me when i want them to just hang out with me like we usually do but not force me to talk.

So. I have a question.

Have any of you ever been in an abusive relationship? Any kind of abuse. Verbal, physical, mental.

In your experience, what would you say it did to you?

What kind of pain does it make you go through every fucking day you wake up?

I've been in the same relationship now for going on 3 years as of this past Oct. 31st. And he... he can get very mean. I mean, extremely, mean.. Some of the things he says.. some of the ways he acts..

It makes me want to hurt myself in more ways than one. The thought of suicide crosses my mind almost every day. Not EVERY day, but a good 95% of the time.

Now, you are probably wondering. Why? Why is this happening?

Because I'm a shitty person.

I've had a very VERY horrible past. I've done a lot of things in my life that I can't get away from, even when I move cross country; I still can't get away from it. Because of him. He reminds me every day of these things I've done. And because of that, it automatically turns him against me almost every time he gets upset.

He reminds me everyday, that I will always be a horrible piece of shit. And I will never not be anything other than that.

What did I do that was so horrible?

I cheated. Because my ex ended up being a a shitstain and cheated on me in my own bed. So. What was my thought as a 16- year old girl? I was going to pay him back. 

I suffer through so much anxiety and depression every day. All because I cheated. Once. Almost 4 years ago.

To this day. I regret it. It makes me fucking sick with myself every day.

But it happened. And yknow, I want to get over it. It's in the past. But no. I can't move on just yet. Because my supposed SO, won't let me forget.

I'm sitting in our upstairs bathroom, struggling to keep it together. I can't stop crying. I keep eyeing the razor sitting on the sink. I don't want to do anything, I really don't. And I'm not going to. Because that's what my depression wants me to do.

But you know what? I'm stronger than this.

I'm not going to let one mistake ruin my life. I refuse. I am a mother, and I am a proud student who has places to go in life.