#vanfiction

The music was loud in your small shared apartment and you could feel the bass coming from the speakers all around you. It was either the music or your intoxicated system but it was as if the vibrations were travelling through your body, keeping your eyes open and making you very alert. All your senses were working overdrive and everything was effervescent and glowing.

It was the type drunk that made you want to do things. Things you maybe wouldn’t usually think of doing or even fathom, but at that moment all you could think about was having your hands on Van. You needed him now and you needed him close.

Now with a mission, you scoped the scene of your living room, panning across each body like they were nothing until you could see your man. He was laughing with some of your friends you had invited, friends you'd probably want to engage in conversation with. But after a long week and your growing need for Van, you ignored the normal social procedures. Walking up to him only offering a smile and reserved nod at the people around you and tightening your grip on Vans arm.

You stood shyly beside him, slightly behind him and resting your head on his back. Your senses immediately picked up on the closeness, his scent filling you making your knees weak. Your slight stumble brought Van to attention and a cute frown to his features.

“You alright babe?” He whispered to you, leaning towards you although he didn’t need to because you were completely drawn into him.

“Hmm.” You hummed trying to push the sordid thoughts out of your head. It was agonising but you didn't want to ruin his fun and drag him away.

“You sure, you seem...odd?” He chose his words carefully but still seemed unsatisfied with the outcome of his dedication. All you did was nod sweetly, returning the smile to him and closing your eyes, your head still resting on his frame.

The conversation returned back to normal, although your desires took over once more. Forcing your hand to slip under his shirt, teasing around the waistband of his jeans, drawing a shiver from him. It satisfied you, the effect you had on him, daring you to roam further, skimming the top of his boxers before dancing up his spine.

With your movements clearly affecting him it didn't surprise you in the slightest when he ended the conversation with his mates, taking your hand and leading you both to your bedroom. His pace was slow and chilled, but his grip around your hand was tight and it sent excited nerves through your body. When you both made it to the solitude of your room he pinned you against the door, looking deep into your eyes.

“You're driving me crazy love,” He sighed, letting out clear frustration that had been pent up.

“Could say the same.” You whispered back, his face was close to yours, nearly touching and the heat was causing your body to crave his touch.

He smiled at your reply, going to your neck, placing dainty kisses up along the skin to your jaw. As he got further up they became rougher and he started sucking until marks were definitely being left. His intent made you more frustrated for his touch, wrapping your arms around him and pulling him closer to your body.

“Babe-” He tried for words but gave up when your hips bucked into his involuntarily in pure want for him. With your actions he lifted you up and carried you over to the bed laying you down and looking down at you in awe. He moved to balance on his knees over you, his palms still flat on your torso. You could feel him hardening from beneath you already, turning you on even more.

“Tell me what you want.” He murmured into your ear, the warm air sending you into a frenzy, desperate to feel him everywhere, making your dark side come out. Ready to feel your boyfriend dominate you.

“Bite me.” Your words came out simply as if it was nothing but he saw that behind your eyes was lust and need for it rough.

Without a second glance, he grinned as if he was chuckling to himself “If you insist.” He laughed, digging his teeth into your shoulder, his mouth trailing down, teeth digging into the skin he brushed past until he got to your knees.

He lingered over the fabric of your panties before dragging them down and chucking them behind him. His breath against your core alerted you, making your eyes close and let out a hard sigh. He was just testing the water, however, it wasn’t what you needed. You needed him now, and to take charge.

“Vaan.” You let out, but it was enough for him to understand, making him move up. You were face to face now, except now he had eased a finger into, thumb massaging your clit until your whole body was shaking with pleasure.

“Being a good girl for me baby.” Van sneered unbuttoning his jeans and undressing completely. You could feel the sweat on your forehead and you pushed your hair back, preparing for him. Soon enough he was straddling you pulling your legs around his waist, looking deep in your eyes that had definitely darkened with lust.

That minute of eye contact was enough to tell him you were ready, all the consent he needed to hear was there in that look. He leaned down, positioning himself so that he was just brushing over your heat. His head was buried in your neck, kissing and nibbling, those kisses getting more ragged each time he teased in.

His pace increased when you arms wrapped around him, digging into his back with anticipation. From then he took his control further, pushing your hips down into the bed beneath you both and holding you tight with every thrust in. You could feel him everywhere and it felt like he was touching your soul deep inside in some weird way.

“God, uhh-” You were starting to become undone, quicker than you expected as he carried on pushing into you at a pace that had just been discovered by the two of you. Your legs were still wrapped tightly around him and you were certain you’d leave red scratches along his back.

You knew he was close and with every missed thrust he let out a deep, guttural moan, showing his obvious pleasure. One last push into you brought you to a climax practically screaming out his name when he bit deep into your shoulder, trying to hold back the moans with pleasure.

You both stayed for a second in the same position, savouring the moment together, not wanting to be left without him. “Fuck love that was, wow-“ He sighed, head still on your shoulder, trying to catch his breath back from your activities.

“That was fucking insane,” You exclaimed, relating to his shock. “babe I’m so sorry, your back I-“ You fussed looking at the damage you’d done, red lines marking down his back as if he’d just been attacked.

“Love, look at what I did to you, people will think I’m abusing you!” His face was a mix of amusement and worry. You smiled at his face, reaching out to cup it in your hands, full of love for your boy.

“Aren’t we a pair.”You smiled, happy to have him.

The third time she met Van was at the pub. Sebastian had invited Esther and Y/N, and told them that Johnny Bond and "a couple of his band members" would be there too. Of course, she couldn't be a hundred per cent sure he meant Van but she was assuming it was him, so she accepted the invitation, saying she would come ‘round after work.

When Bondy asked Van if he wanted to hang out with him, Sebastian and "a couple of others" Van's mind instantly went to Y/N. If Sebastian was invited he was sure Y/N would somehow be invited too. So, of course, Van agreed to join them. He was, however, disappointed when he arrived to find only Bondy, Sebastian and Esther sitting around a table, he knew Larry would join them later but it irritated him that Y/N was nowhere to be seen. He couldn't very well ask them where she was or if she was still coming since it would have been a little too obvious in his opinion. For the first time, he wished he had her number so he could ask her directly. He grabbed a beer at the bar and scanned the pub for her face one last time before trudging to his group of friends.

He had been looking forward to seeing Y/N and, most likely, taking her back home. Now that he knew she wasn't there, he felt irrationally disappointed and annoyed. He tried not to show it though as he sat down at the table and greeted Sebastian, Esther and Bondy. Larry joined them half an hour later when Van was already well into his second beer, and Van gave up any hope Y/N would show up that evening.

Y/N could have called Esther to tell her she was arriving later than she planned but the tube was busy and loud and the signal kept giving out.  When she finally made her way through the pub's doors and instantly saw Esther at the bar, she sighed in relief. She wasn't too late. Esther, who saw her too, laughed and opened her arms for a hug "Gosh, you look like shite." Y/N laughed too while she embraced her friend "yeah, today was too long."

Van was already well drunk when Y/N joined them at the table. He didn't recognise her for a second, thinking his drunken mind was playing tricks on him. But when she sat down next to him, he suddenly became hyperaware of her presence. "Hi" she smiled as she sat down next to him on the bench. "Hey" he nodded back.

Y/N could smell the alcohol on him, he was holding a whiskey glass in his hands. The atmosphere between them was awkward. Van who had given up any hope of sex this evening, decided to drown his expectations in alcohol. Now that she was actually sitting beside him, real and smelling like mint, he was just annoyed with himself for throwing in the towel so soon. He was sure that he was too drunk now to be of any appeal for her to go home with him.

Y/N chatted aimlessly with her friends while being aware of how quiet Van was beside her. She was unsure of the reason, even thought it was her fault for a few minutes. But when her knee accidentally bumped into his leg under the table while she was telling a story about one of the costumers in the store last week, she could feel his knee bump back into hers, signalling that he wasn't opposed to her after all. A couple of minutes later she bumped her leg into his again, whilst listening to Sebastian tell a story about a similar irritating situation with a guy at his workplace. But instead of drawing it away again, she kept pressing her leg into Van's trying to spread her legs as wide as she could on the bench they were both sharing. Trying to claim as much space for herself as she could and make Van aware of his massive man-spread. When Van glanced at her, she just smiled at him innocently. He pushed his leg back against her, claiming space back, spreading his legs wider than before. A game began under their table, both of them trying to push and bump the other's leg away while remaining seemingly calm from the torso upwards so none of their friends would notice. But Y/N decided to play dirty, because Van had much stronger legs and made her lose the space she had effortfully claimed, far too easily. So when he had his legs spread way too far into her own leg space, she reached a hand down under the table and pinched his inner thigh, causing Van to instinctively shut is legs instantly, trapping her hand between his legs. She quickly pulled her hand out but couldn't keep her mouth from erupting into a little surprised laugh, directing attention to herself and consequently Van. "You guys need to get a room" Larry muttered and Y/N couldn't help but snort with amusement. Van too was amused, glad Y/N was still up for her little games. It was something he appreciated her for.

The evening came to a close and their friends were ready to leave. Van and Y/N, both intoxicated, decided not to care what their friends thought. It was no secret they hooked up with each before. Although they never admitted it officially. When Van's Uber arrived, Y/N got into the car with him, after saying a quick goodbye to the rest of the group and exchanging knowing grins with Esther.

The car ride was only ten minutes to Van's place and when he opened the door to the familiar flat, Y/N stepped right in, kicked off her shoes and pushed her jacket off her shoulders and went into his bedroom. Van followed her and when they both stood in front of the bed, mustering each other, Y/N took the first step, taking the hem of Van's shirt and pushing it upwards, not even bothering with unbuttoning it. Van obliged and his shirt was off within seconds. The same happened to her jumper. That's when their lips finally met for the first time that night. He tasted like alcohol and the cigarettes he had been smoking while waiting for their ride, and just a tiny bit like him. Her fingers found his belt and he helped her loosen it. She pushed him down on the bed and with a couple of movements, his jeans was off. She quickly removed hers too before climbing on top of him. He sat up and scooted towards the headboard to lean his back against it. She followed him and straddled his hips. He reached behind her to successfully unclasp her bra, while she leant back into him, her lips attacking the skin of his neck. She reached a hand down to feel him hardening already. She slipped it into his boxer and felt Van's hands squeeze her bum and bucking his hips towards hers. She motioned to pull his boxers off and he raised his butt and pulled them off quickly. Her panties quickly following. Once she was positioned on top of him again, one hand steadying herself on his shoulder, she took his penis in her other hand and slowly guided herself onto it. Both of them moaning when he glided into her deeper and deeper.

"Fuck, Van." She moaned and began pulling herself up again before pushing herself down, dictating the speed. One of Van's hand was on her back, the other reached between them and quickly found her clit. She gasped as he started rubbing it and her hips started to buck into his with more erratic movement. He kissed her neck, nipped the skin of her shoulders with his teeth and met the movement of her hips with his. Their breathing began to speed up and synchronise.

Y/N pulled Van's hair to make him stop kissing her neck and instead pressed her lips onto his. "Van," she moaned, "fuck Van I'm gonna cum." He stopped rubbing her clit, eliciting a disapproving sound from Y/N. She tried to buck her hips into his even harder to signal she was close and didn't want him to stop. But Van's hand wouldn't go back. "Vaaaannn," she whined, "please". "Just a little longer, love" he whispered into her ear.

He wasn't quite ready to cum yet. Didn't want their intimacy to end just now. He was sure if she came now, he would have no problem coming too, but he wanted to draw this out, wanted to last longer. And quite frankly he liked how needy she was for him.

She slowly pulled herself up and down on him again. Leisurely moving her hips with his. He groaned and began kissing down her jaw to her neck again. "Vaannn" she breathed into his ear. He grunted at how sexy and lustful she sounded. Her hips began picking up speed again, her breasts were bouncing with the movement. Van could feel himself build up.

"Fuuuck" he breathed "Y/N, slower". But instead of slowing down, she stopped completely. Van, who had his eyes screwed close, opened them in confusion just to be met with a sly smirk and a raised eyebrow. "Not so funny now, is it?" She said and slung her arms around his neck to press herself against his chest. Her nipples were hard and sensitive to the feel of his chest hair. She nipped the skin underneath his ear and slowly started moving again.

Van gripped her hips and groaned as she moved her hips in circles while he was inside her. So deep, so full. She wanted to cum so bad. She started bucking her hips again, slow at first then speeding up.

Van's forehead found hers, they didn't kiss, just breathed onto each other's faces with open mouths. "Please Van," she said and this time Van obliged and brought one hand between them and started circling her clit again. It didn't take long until she was on the edge again "Fuck, Van, I'm gonna cum, you better keep moving". His small chuckle was quickly replaced by a moan as he felt her cum around his cock, her muscles contracting and squeezing around him. He came then and there too.

Y/N woke up to Van lightly snoring, there was light flooding in from the window, indicating it was morning already. She didn't want to get up yet though, didn't want to leave the warm comfort of his bed. She snuggled herself into his blanket and closed her eyes again. The next time she woke up, was because she felt a finger brushing hair away from her face. She was lying on her side and opened one eye to see Van looking at her but quickly closed it again, pretending she was still sleeping. She couldn't help a little smile tugging at her lips however, giving away that she was indeed conscious. Van, of course, saw the action and knew she was just pretending. He decided to take part in her game. He scooted closer to her body and placed a hand on her waist. His touch was light and Y/N had difficulty not to shiver under the movements of his hand. He carefully brushed his fingers up and down her side, tickling her ever so slightly. He could feel her tensing up, but she still wouldn't open her eyes. His hand slowly traced further south until he stopped between her legs. He slowly and carefully stroked over her folds, keeping a close eye on her face. He found her clit and began circling it, eliciting a first reaction from her. She inhaled sharply, her mouth opening just slightly, yet her eyes remained closed. Since her legs were closed, Van had difficulty inserting his fingers so he just kept focusing on her clit, spreading the wetness that began pooling between her legs up onto it. His finger getting faster and faster and then slowing again. She was starting to breath heavier and Van smiled at her determination to keep her eyes shut and pretend she was still sleeping. He kept speeding up and slowing down, at times stopping fully and caressing her bum instead before going back to her clit. She only lasted a couple of minutes until his teasing game became too torturous for her. She was coming so close just for him to slow down again. She opened her eyes and was instantly met with the blue of his. He had this little crooked smile plastered across his face and Y/N wanted to slap it off, but instead, she just scooted closer into his body and kissed it away. She was moaning into Van's mouth when his fingers picked up speed again and lifted her leg to drape it over his hips so he had better access. This time he kept going until she came, her hand clutched his shoulder, her head on the pillow, mouth open, eyes wide open and locked onto Van's.

When the last wave of her orgasm subsided she let her hand travel south towards Van's member who had gotten rock hard during her orgasm. She grasped him in her hand and started pumping him up and down, flicking her thumb over his tip every now and then. Their eyes never left one another. Now it was Van's turn to start breathing heavy. Her leg was still draped around his hip and she scooted closer so she could tease his tip with her warm and wet folds. Van swallowed when he felt her wetness on him. She guided him up and down her folds a couple of times before positioning him onto her entrance. All it needed was a little push of his hips and he would be inside her. Y/N was waiting for him to push in, still stroking him up and down, but Van wasn't moving. "Van," she furrowed her brows into a frown. But Van just kept on looking at her, a challenge in his eyes. And she knew then, that whoever bucked their hips first would lose. But what he didn't calculate into his little game was that she still reigned over his cock. Stroking it up and down, turning his little game from earlier on him, she sped up and then slowed down. But Van wasn't powerless either. His hand found her clit and he knew if he just kept on bring her close and withdrawing again, he would get her to lose within minutes.

What he didn't expect, however, was her distracting him with little dirty whispers. "Van," she gasped into his ear as his fingers picked up speed, "please fuck me, Van." He groaned and almost gave in, but only almost. "Please Van," she whispered again "I want you inside me." Van tried to concentrate on his fingers on her clit, rubbing her faster, but when he felt her hand pumping him up and down and teasing his tip by circling him around her entrance, he lost it and pushed his hip towards her, just closely missing her entrance.

Y/N wasn't in the mood to celebrate her win, she just wanted him inside her, she wasn't lying about that. She quickly guided his penis to her entrance again and Van pushed himself in with one swift move, her wetness making it easy for him to glide in. He pushed her onto her back, hovering above her. She wrapped her other leg around his hip, and Van was able to push even deeper, making both of them groan. "Fuck me, Van." Y/N moaned again and Van was more than happy to oblige. It didn't take long for both of them to come undone; their previous teasing making them both overeager.

After Van dropped onto his back again, out of breath and satisfied, and Y/N had enough time to catch her breath too, she started to collect her clothes from the ground.

In the meantime, Van reached over to grasp her phone that was lying on the bedside table on her side. When he tried to unlock it, it asked for a password. He stretched his arm towards her as if to give her the phone, and she took it from him with a questioning look. "Unlock it" he just said and she took it from him, unlocked it and put it back into his still outstretched hand. She didn't have any secrets from him and she doubted he would do anything with her phone that could harm her.

She went into the bathroom with her clothes and tried to sort herself out as best as she could. When she entered the bedroom, her locked phone was lying on the bedside table again; Van seemingly uninterested in it now. He just smiled at her when she took it and put it into her jacket's pocket. She would have a look later as to find out what he did with it. "Well then," she said. "Well then," Van echoed. "Perhaps I'll see you around." It was a statement she dared to say now, knowing that Van wasn't opposed to fucking her more than just once. "Yeah" Van nodded. She nodded too and made her way to the front door of the flat, she opened it, stepped out and just as she pulled it close she heard him shout: "Just call me!"

It was on the fourth naked day when you decided it was time to rejoin the world. You woke Van with your lips around his shaft and your fingers laced in his. An hour had passed, you’d had your morning romp, and now a naked Van was laying between your legs with his head resting on your thigh. He stroked your skin absentmindedly, staring out the window into the outside world. Memorizing.

The light on his eyelashes were casting shadows on his cheek bones in a way that made your stomach hurt. He was too beautiful, you couldn’t help but want to capture the moment. You reached for your phone on the bedside table and opened up the camera.

“Hey,” You called softly. When his eyes flicked up to you you snapped the picture. “You’re so cute.” He laughed slightly and rolled onto his stomach and rested his chin on your lower belly, his arms around your thighs.

“Ain’t that my line?” You took another picture. Even better. He had a slight smirk, his eyes were dreamy. You hummed as he placed kisses on your stomach and across your hips all while you took pictures. Something in the air changed and the feeling went from sleepy and cozy to electric and needy. You whined as he shifted himself down the bed, keeping his arms around your thighs and licked a wet stripe up your center. You opened your legs wider as his tongue delved into you, Van’s mouth making obscene noises against you. An idea popped into your head and you held the phone up, turning on the video function and recording him.

“Say hi,” You whispered, his eyes opening and looking directly into the camera. He grunted and you could feel him smile against you. Van was never someone who was camera shy, in fact knowing that there was a camera on him made him even more eager to please than he already was. He released one of your thighs and pushed two fingers inside of you, tugging them upwards while his tongue circled your clit. You moaned loudly, never one to necessarily be quiet during sex, and wound your fingers into his hair. He relished in the little noises you were making as you squirmed beneath him, his long fingers pistoning inside you so hard and so fast it almost hurt, but in the best way possible.

“Fuck,” You yelped as he tugged upwards against your walls, a new sensation spreading through your stomach. You pulled at his hair and he hissed against your wetness, pulling away from you to catch a breath but keeping his fingers deep inside you. You let out a long, low groan as white spots spread across your vision and you felt your body go rigid. Your legs felt numb as heat exploded through your being and you dropped your phone on your chest. You shook for a couple of seconds and when you came back down to earth you were acutely aware of an unpleasant wetness against your thighs. When you opened your eyes Van’s chest was wet and he was looking at you, face half bewildered half smug.

“Did you just,” He trailed off, not really sure how to finish that sentence. Your eyes were wide like dinner plates and you nodded. “Have you ever done it before?” Quickly you shook your head and Van sat back on his heels, genuinely smiling. He was so fucking cocky. “That was... Yeah that was hot.” You didn’t know if he was referring to the video you both had just made or the fact that he was able to get you to do something you never thought you were capable of doing but you hummed in agreement. Van flopped down next to you after cleaning himself off as you rewatched the video and you could hear Van mutter something against your skin.

“Send that to me,” He requested, and you craned your neck to look at him. “What? Noises you make are somethin’ else. I’ll need it for when I’m gone again.” He took the phone from you, watching the video again and smirking when he made you come.

You rolled your eyes. “Jesus christ do you want a fucking metal.” The video was forgotten temporarily as he dropped your phone and rolled on top of you, pinning your arms to the bed.

“Actually I think I would,” He grinned and placed a kiss on your throat. “‘Van McCann, first lover to make you squi-’” You groaned and shoved him off, sitting up in bed, covers falling to your waist.

“You’re gross, that word is gross.” He reached out for you, pulling you back into his arms, not quite ready to rejoin the world yet.

~

A couple months later you were back on tour with Van and the lads. You and Van were supposed to be meeting Bondy and his new girlfriend, Nina, for dinner but after half an hour of waiting in the lobby they still hadn’t arrived. You suggested going up to their room and checking on them and Van agreed, grumbling about being hungry. Their door was slightly open and before you could tell Van to knock he was barging in, about to call out when he froze on sight. You peeked around his arm to see what was happening, your cheeks immediately heating up. Bondy had his back towards you, muscles taut and jeans around his knees. Nina was bent over the bed, arms pinned behind her back as she moaned in pleasure, back arching as Bondy slammed into her. Before they could notice your presence you wrapped your hand around Van’s bicep and tugged him out of the room, gently shutting the door behind you. You watched Van squirm for a moment, tugging his shirt down over his crotch and clearing his throat.

“Really?” You asked, raising an eyebrow. His cheeks turned pink and he just shrugged. The elevator dinged, the doors opening up and you stepped inside. “Had no idea you were into voyeurism.” He scrubbed his hands over his face, the tips of his ears turning bubble gum pink.

“’m not,” He whined, looking at the buttons as they lit up.

You were having too much fun teasing him though. “All this time I had no idea you were a kinky little shit.”

“I’m not!” He insisted, practically tumbling out of the elevator into the lobby.

“Your crotch begs to differ there mate,” You cackled. “I’d always taken you for this vanilla guy, maybe we should take the time to explore your kinks babe.” You were laughing so hard you hadn’t realized he’d stopped walking and practically ran head first into him. He turned on his heel and smirked down at you.

“Don’t make a promise you can’t keep, love.” Your hands moved to his arms and you squeezed them.

“I have every intention to.” You pecked him on the lips and grinned back. A couple minutes later, after the sexual tension had dissipated a bit, Nina and Bondy emerged from the elevator looking disheveled and a little worse for wear.

“Sorry guys,” Bondy apologized. “This one likes to take her time.” Nina rolled her eyes as you and Van exchanged a knowing look.

“We’ve all been there,” You assured, linking your arm with Nina’s and grinning at Van. “Van and I are just glad you both came.”

Later that night you’d stumbled back to your hotel room a little drunk and immediately began disrobing.

“So what else are you into?” You called from the bathroom as you washed your face. Van’s head peeked around the door frame, eyebrows furrowed.

“Whaddya mean?”

You patted your face dry with a towel and removed your dress, letting it fall to the ground.

“What are your other kinks?” Van sighed and rolled his eyes.

“This again.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and flopped down onto the fluffy bed. “I don’t have any! I’m a regular lad! Your body is more than enough for me.” You leaned against the doorframe of the bathroom in just your underwear and smirked.

“That’s sweet,” You commented. “But you’re full of shit.” He groaned and burrowed himself under the covers, pulling the duvet up over his head. He looked like a child, pouting, face peeking out from the sheets as he frowned at you.

“What about you eh? What do you like?” You waved your hand dismissively at him before hitting the lights and slithering under the sheets next to him.

“Please, I know what I like.” Van raised his eyebrows, urging you to go on. “I’m a verse, which means I like to be the boss and get bossed around, depending on how I’m feeling.” You saw Van take his lip between his crooked teeth.

“Anything else?”

You snorted. “Choking, spanking, bondage, teasing, praise, water sports.” His eyes bulged to the size of saucers at the mention of the last one. You giggled. “That last one was a joke.” Van rolled his eyes and turned away from you.

“G’night Y/N.”

“I’ll figure it out,” You insisted, scooching closer to his and wrapping your arms around his middle. “Gotta keep my freaky man happy.” Another groan caused you to laugh and press a kiss to his shoulder blade. “Love you, you kinky bastard.”

~

The discovery of Van’s first perversion was completely accidental.

He wasn’t one to forget things, which is why it made it oh so much worse on the very few occasions that he did. He promised you. He said he’d be home by seven, seven thirty at the absolute latest, so you two could enjoy a delicious meal that you spent hours making and a night home together, which you’ve had few in the last month. You had confirmed with him in the morning before he left and he swore he wouldn’t miss your homemade pasta for the world. It was the first time you were breaking out the pasta maker since Bondy got it for you for Christmas.

You spent the day kneading dough and rolling it thinner and thinner through the machines until it was nearly paper thin and longer than both of your arms. When you had made enough pasta to feed your entire family as well as Van’s you cleaned up and ventured out into the garden to pick some fresh basil and oregano for the sauce. When that was made you cleaned the entire house top to bottom out of sheer boredom and went to the market to buy a fancy bottle of wine. It was shaping up to be a rather lovely night.

When six o’clock rolled around you texted Van for an ETA. When he didn’t respond after twenty minutes you called him and it went straight to voicemail. You frowned at your phone and decided to give him another twenty minutes. When that rolled around you shrugged and started making the garlic bread and boiling the water for the pasta. You set the table, lit the candles, made the plates, and waited.

By the time eight rolled around you were pissed and had already eaten two plates of pasta, half the loaf of bread and were three glasses of wine deep. Everything was delicious but that was beside the point. You glared at your screen and slammed your palms on the table, sick of watching the candles slowly disintegrate into nothing.

You could’ve easily fixed this situation. It’s not like you were worried about him or what he was doing. You knew Van would never cheat. He was just over at Bondy’s with the band and Larry despite having spent the last four months with them. You had Bondy’s number, Larry’s, hell you even had Bondy’s girlfriend’s number. If you wanted to contact him all you had to do was call one of them and ask to speak to Van. But you were in a new mood. You wanted to wait it out, see just how far he would push it.

You didn’t care that he was out, you didn’t care that he was late. The thing that irked you the most was the fact that he promised you he’d be there, and he wasn’t. If he wanted to stay out all night with his friends, you were more than welcome to the thought. Hell, you’d even join them. His fatal mistake were the words “I promise,” and insisting that he wanted to spend time with you. If he’d told you he’d be coming home at midnight you’d welcome the jingling sound of keys and his drunken stumble over the door frame. You would’ve welcomed him into your shared bed you’d been warming up, and you’d be more than happy to ride him to completion if he asked. But he kissed you when you told him to have fun and promised he wouldn’t be late.

Nine thirty rolled around and you had yourself a slice of cake before going up to the bedroom to exact your revenge. You left the table set, the candles burning, even cut him a slice of chocolate cake and set it next to his made up dinner plate. You took the bottle of wine with you though and sipped from it intermittently as you got undressed and redressed. The simple teal cotton dress and tights you’d been wearing getting swapped out for one of your more adventurous outfits.

Van had spotted it in the lingerie store before you had and held it up, giggling slightly.

You shrugged and said, “Looks like something the fembots from Austin Powers would wear.” His expression went blank and he was dragging you to the cash register so he could buy it for you before you could even think of protesting.

It was baby pink and made of light, gauzy fabric, every hem of the mid thigh length robe covered in a slightly lighter pink shade of faux fur. Van had admitted to you one night when he was drunk in the back seat of Larry’s car that the fembots turned him on. He loved strong women. Bondy and Larry teased him relentlessly about it. You paired it with an almost nonexistent red thong, sat on the loveseat facing the door, turned the lights off, and waited. There was a sheer yellow glow from the fairy lights twisted around your headboard, but other than that the room was mostly dark. You continued to let your rage fill you up, that and red wine.

It was almost eleven when you heard the lock on the front door jingle. You pictured him, unsuspecting as he turned around to lock the door as he called out for you. “Baby?” And then he’d see the made up plate, the dilapidated candles, the slice of cake and you heard him swear under his breath. There were a couple of minutes of silence before you heard clinking and pictured him pouring himself a drink. His boots were heavy as he climbed up the stairs, you could almost envision his pout.

The door cracked open the smallest bit. “Love?” He questioned, having not seen you yet. He fully swung the door open, apologies tumbling from his mouth when he stopped himself, taking the vision of you angry and mostly naked in the loveseat. He dropped his coat on the ground and slowly moved towards you as you watched him through your best seductive put pissed gaze. He fell to his knees in front of you and you uncrossed your legs, letting him get a peek of the fabric- or lack thereof -between your legs.

“Baby,” He practically whined, his palms coming to rest just above your knees. “I’m so sorry I forgot.” You sipped from the bottle, watching him with an almost bored expression. “I lost track of time, John and I were writing and...” He trailed off, sucking his bottom lip between his teeth. “Let me make it up to you, eh?” His hands wrapped around the backs of your calves and he tugged you to the edge of your seat, licking his lips. Before he could descend between your thighs for a proper apology you grabbed a fistful of his hair at the crown of his head, stopping him. His wince made you let go, and you traced your fingers down the side of his skull, across his cheekbone, and along his jaw, tilting his face up so he could look in your eyes.

You leaned forward until your lips were at his ear and spoke, softly. “I don’t need you, Van Mccann.” You could hear him swallow at the brush of your lips. He wanted to look at your face to see if you were being serious or not, the words exceptionally harsh, but you kept your hand wrapped around the back of his neck, locked in place. “I have my own hands.” You let up the pressure just enough so he could see what you were getting up to.

Your hand was slowly rubbing circles on your clit over your underwear, the fabric quickly dampening. He swallowed again, his eyes flitting up to your face though he desperately wanted to watch your ministrations against what he wished he was kissing, what he wished he was buried inside of. Van’s mouth flooded with saliva as you released him and pulled your panties to the side, letting him get a proper view of your increasingly slippery play. You moaned, more for his pain than your pleasure, and slipped a finger inside. It felt nice, but you made sure to be extra vocal just for him.

“Fuck...” He gulped and rolled a fist over the hardness tucked in his jeans. He ran a hand up your freshly moisturized leg but you quickly swatted it away.

“No touching,” You softly commanded. He bit his lower lip so hard he could practically taste the blood and nodded. “You know...” You trailed off, slipping another finger inside with a hitch of your breath. “I was thinking, because you wanted to spend time with me, we could try something new.” Without warning you stood, knocking Van onto his butt before strutting over to your side of the bed and pulling the drawer open.

A few days after your discussion with Van in the hotel room, you were let loose in a big city all by yourself. The boys were doing an interview and acoustic gig, and you decided to do some exploring. In under an hour you found yourself outside of an adult store, smirking at your reflection in the black tinted windows.

After a quick discussion with the very kind woman behind the counter you left the store with a pair of red handcuffs and small pink vibrator. You returned back to your hotel and tucked the items in the bottom of your suitcase and you had all but forgotten about them until that moment.

You hung the handcuffs off your index finger and Van visibly gulped.

“I was gonna let you use these on me but considering your behaviour tonight...” You trailed off. “Take your clothes off and get on the bed.” Your voice was low and firm and Van obeyed almost immediately, hesitating for a split second.

You couldn’t help the butterflies that infiltrated your tummy at the sight of a naked Van resting on top of your clean white sheets. He was breathing heavy and flushed all the way down his chest, his erection standing stiffly upright, prominent and needy. He looked soft, vulnerable, ready. It made your mouth water. A part of you wanted to just get on top of him and ride him until you both came in an explosive crescendo, but a bigger, more sadistic part was going to enjoy what you had planned.

Van’s blue eyes looked practically black as he watched you climb onto the bed and straddle his lower stomach. You shot him a soft, reassuring smile before taking one of his hands and brushing your lips along the inside of his wrist, snapping the cold, red metal around it. His breathing hitched as you lifted both arms over his head and clicked the other cuff around his wrist, effectively restraining him to the metal headboard.

You brushed some hair from his wide blue eyes and ran your fingers over his parted lips. Your forehead pressed against his as you spoke. “If it’s too much, your safeword is grapefruit, okay?” He quickly nodded and you pressed a kiss to his plushy red lips. “Good boy.” He choked on the air in his lungs as you began your descent down his body. It was slow, maddeningly slow, as you stopped at every weak spot you knew Van Mccann possesed. The first spot was the conjunction where his jaw and throat met. You traced your tongue over the spot, reveling in the noises he was making already. You took your time, nipping and suckling and kissing at his soft flesh until he was keening and panting deep in his chest.

“Y/N,” He groaned in a voice you’d never heard from him before. You pulled away from your spot with a satisfied smirk and looked at Van’s face, nearly gasping in surprise. His pupils were blown wide and his forehead was covered in a thin sheen of sweat. His lower lip was chewed raw. He looked absolutely ruined. You placed your palm against his cheek.  

“Oh sweetie, if you’re this wrecked already it’s gonna be a long night for you.” He blanched and swallowed thickly as you moved to your next destination, the slight dip in his chest, right beneath his sternum. You repeated your sloppy, teasing process here, as well as at both of his hip bones. By the time you were sitting between his legs Van was a complete mess. For the most part he let you work in silence, save for the occasional groan when you would sink your teeth into his flesh. You had an idea to get him to be more vocal.

At first you started by just tracing your finger up his inner thigh, under his belly button, and back down his other thigh, skipping over the angry red length that was leaking precum like a broken faucet. As you traced, you drew closer to his shaft, eventually gripping it at the base and giving it a solid tug upward. A struggled cry ripped through Van’s lung and you smiled, satisfied.

“There we go Baby,” You gave him another pull. You could feel the warmth and weight of his erection against your palm. “Let me hear you.” Your stroking became more regular, but still just as slow as Van thrashed against his restraints, the metal cuffs cutting into his wrists. “Do you want my mouth Love?”

“P-Please!” His hips bucked into the air, trying to find something more dense than your hand. He was doing so well and you wanted to reward him, but you thought about why you were in this position in the first place, and changed your mind. You leaned up to whisper in his ear, not stopping your manipulations as you spoke.

“Then you should’ve been home on time.” In a second you released him and completely lifted yourself from the bed, standing at the foot. Van looked like he was about to explode and a long deep moan erupted from his throat.

“Y/N, please, I’m sorry.” You placed your hands on your hips.

“I know sweetie. But you look so good like this.” With a swift tug you undid the ribbon holding your robe closed and let it fall off your shoulders, the pink fabric pooling at your feet. You quickly dropped your panties and clambored back onto the bed, sitting yourself right above his member and grabbing the vibrator. Clicking it onto the lowest setting you moved the buzzing head to your clit, a shudder rolling up your spine. Van watched you work with hooded lids as your hips started to jerk around in an attempt to quickly reach your climax. Your other hand, which was previously placed firmly on Van’s chest to balance yourself, moved behind you to grasp his heady length. Van cried out as you slowly jerked him while you ground yourself against his lower abdomen.

You could feel your end approaching quickly and you could tell by the way Van’s back was arching off the sheets that his was too.

“Van,” You breathed, searching for his eyes. When they finally met yours he offered you an exhausted smile. Despite this being a “punishment,” he seemed to be enjoying himself. “You’ve done so well baby.” You removed the vibrator to click it off and shuffled down his body so you were positioned right above his member. “And even though I’m still mad at you, I’m gonna fuck you.” He licked his lip and nodded once.

“Thank you.” With that you sank all the way down onto his cock, both of you hissing as your fingernails dug into the skin of his chest. You could feel his heartbeat through his length, pulsing and warm inside you as you waited for your strength to come back to you. You were both so close to the edge that you were sure it would take only a few minutes to reach the end so you sat, just enjoying him for a moment.

You gave an experimental roll of the hips, preening at the mewl that van emitted, and just like that the flood gates were open. Bracing both of your hands on his chest you ground and rolled and swiveled your hips like there was no tomorrow. Both your bodies were slick with sweat and the sound of your skin meeting and combined moans echoed around the quiet room. You were teetering right there at the abyss, so close your arms gave out and you let yourself drape over Van’s chest, your face buried into the crook of his neck. He took over then, bending himself at the knees to find steady grounding, and thrusted himself up into you until you exploded around him, messy and white hot.

It took a couple seconds for your head to stop throbbing and for you to come back down to earth and when you did you took note of two things: The first being that Van had stopped moving and the second being that your hand was wrapped firmly around his throat. Leaning up a little to see his face you could only describe it as dumbstruck.

“Sorry,” You murmured, pulling your hand away but he quickly began rambling.

“No! No, uhm,” He gulped. “I-I liked it.” You raised an eyebrow at him, a little surprised that he was so open to all the new things you were throwing at him, and then you remembered who you were dealing with. “Can you, uh, can you do it a bit harder?” And if your body hadn’t been completely spent you’d probably come again just from those words. You leaned down and pressed a bruising kiss to his mouth.

“Of course you kinky little freak.”

With both hands wrapped around his throat pressing firmly down you slowly began working your hips over him, his pale face quickly going red from lack of air, making his freckles stand out against the flush. It only took a few solid swivels before his eyes were rolling back into his head, his back was lifting off the bed, and his entire body went rigid as he reached his peak deep, deep inside you. He gulped air in as soon as you released him, panting hard while you cooed at him, kissing his face and chest while you waited for him to calm down. You ran your fingers through his damp hair to get it out of his eyes and when he finally smiled at you sleepily you pressed a gentle kiss to his mouth.

With a silent dismount you went into the ensuite bathroom to clean yourself up, returning with a damp towel for Van. You worked on unhooking the handcuffs and frowned when you saw bruises already forming under his delicate skin.

“Babe you should’ve told me they were too tight.” His head lolled over to look at you and he grunted out a word that sounded almost like ‘Sorry.’ With a shake of your head you wiped his forehead clean of sweat and cleaned up the mess made at his crotch. His entire body jerked when you touched his shaft and you giggled softly. You left the room to get you both some water and some pain killers for Van, pausing to pull his discarded shirt over your head. When you returned you could tell he was just on the edge of passing out.

“Y/N,” He mumbled. “‘M really sorry.” You helped him sit up and handed him the water and painkillers.

“I know.” You kissed him again. “You did very well. And now we know that Van Mccann isn’t just some boring vanilla rockstar.” You both got under the covers, letting Van be the big spoon. You were just about to fall asleep, absolutely spent, when he whispered in your ear.

First time since the breakup –

A chance happening, a string pulled by the universe. The odds that you and Van were walking down the same street, at the same time in opposite directions were next to none. But it happened anyway. The look of recognition dawning on both your faces after a few seconds as your eyes met when you passed each other by. Awkward hugs and smiles of disbelief.

“How’ve you been?”

“Yeah good, you?”

“Yeah, fine thanks. How’s the band going?”

And a promise to call that was never fulfilled.

Your cousin’s engagement party –

Van McCann and Larry Lau; the guests no one thought would show. Old school friends of your cousin, they were invited out of chance. But they were there. They bounced through the door, life of the party anywhere they went. People enveloped them into hugs and burst into smiles like nothing you’d ever seen. They were hardly ever home these days; had to sell their cottage in Chester and everything you’d been told. Van made his way to you of course, having no trouble at all pulling you away from the rigmarole of such events. The rest of the party disappeared and so did the time that had escaped between you. You and he caught up like old friends and it was good, warm and right. You lingered at the back of the party in the shadows under the glowing fairy lights, talking and sharing stories of how life had been. You had time to take each other in and evaluate how time had changed you both; it hadn’t much. You thought about bringing up the past, talking about where it went wrong. But you and Van laughed as if nothing bad had ever happened between you and you didn’t want to ruin that. The party went on, you caught up with Larry too. You ate, danced, drank and all the while Van made sure to keep your champagne glass topped up, then got you back home safely in a taxi when the night came to a close.

The wedding –

You somehow ended up bridesmaid, your dress was far too pink for your liking and with too many frills. When you walked up the aisle, bouquet in hand, you couldn’t help but picture your own wedding; if you’d ever have one. As you did so, your eyes fell on Van who was sat in the middle with his mother. You could see even from there that his suit wasn’t pressed, and his tie was a little skew-whiff. Your stomach rippled with a feeling you weren’t sure of and he smiled as you passed him. You looked away. At the reception, once again, Van found you and things began to pick up where they’d left off. It all came easily. Van complemented your dress, you spoke with Mary and you introduced Van to your new boyfriend. Both of you acted like none of this was weird at all. It was just life. Your life.

…………..

One meeting in particular changed things. You had found yourself back home in the small town you wanted nothing more to do with. Reasons for being there aside, the universe wanted you there and wanted Van there too.

You’d escaped your dreary house for some air and were sat inside a shelter similar to that at a bus stop. It stood right on the edge of the beach where the pebbles started and led down to the water. From here you had a view out across the whole straight, flat shoreline. It was windy as hell; your hair blew around your face and you were too zoned out to hold it down or fix it. The sky was grey and so was the water, mirroring how you felt. Down and out. Life was taking its toll.

Staring out into the choppy, angry ocean, you hardly noticed as a figure sat beside you. People walked their dogs along the promenade here all the time, so company wasn’t unusual. But when the person reached a long arm out around your shoulders, you turned and saw that it was Van McCann, of all people. You leant into his touch without a thought and he pulled you close.

You didn’t have the mental capacity to wonder or ask why he was there or how he’d found you.

“You alright, love?” he asked, you didn’t reply.

You didn’t want to tell him about your sick aunt or your job that was desperately close to falling apart or the end to yet another relationship and he didn’t make you. He just took your cold, shaking hands in his own to warm them up and told you ridiculous stories from tour until you cracked a smile. Once he’d cheered you up a little, you both walked along the promenade past all the beach front hotels that were shut up for the winter. You shared memories from growing up and agreed that it was strange to be back there together.

Van walked you home and hugged you tight at the door.

“Are we like, friends now?” you asked softly as you pulled away.

All your run in’s with Van over the last year had left you at somewhat of a no man’s land. You weren’t sure if you were friends yet, but you weren’t just acquaintances either. You didn’t know what to make of it.

You reached out to smooth the thin gold necklace against his chest that had become wonky after your embrace.

“Yeah, y/n. We’re friends,” he replied. Then kissed you on the forehead and guided you inside with an arm around your waist.

…………

Eventually Van was settled, he seemed to have found a place. Maybe an Airbnb you weren’t sure. But he was near enough to you that you could meet up for drinks and whatever else. You grew closer, seeing each other a couple of times when he was off tour and things worked out with both your schedules.

The local pub was buzzing with energy. You could hear all the noise from your small flat above. When you came down, people were sat in crowded groups for a quiz, other’s more low-key up at the bar, some were huddled playing pool. You sat in a corner on a small, sticky sofa waiting for Van. You alternated between scrolling through pointless apps on your phone, sipping your drink and glancing at the door for the tall, skinny legged boy you were waiting for.

Finally, he moseyed through the door and plonked himself down beside you.

“Sorry I’m late,” Van said as he leant to kiss your cheek hello. “Phone’s fucked again too.”

“It’s fine, here. You’re gonna have to catch me up I’ve gotten through two of these,” you said as you pushed him a beer bottle across the coffee table. Beer table? He grinned, up for the challenge.

A night of thoughtless drinking ensued. Quickly, you and Van were slurring your words and getting a little closer than friends should. You sat tucked beside Van on the grimy sofa with your bare legs stretched out across his lap and his hands draped over them, rubbing soft circles on your skin with his thumb.

“Do you ever think about like, us?” he asked nonchalantly. He tipped his head back a little and the sharp line of his jaw became more pronounced.

“You mean when we dated?”

Van nodded. You rested your head down on his shoulder with a sigh. Your brain was too fuzzy to be talking about this.

“Why?”

“Did we fuck up by ending it?” he questioned.

His voice sounded strange and cloudy. You could feel his body tense beneath you and you knew he meant this more as a statement, despite putting it out there as a question.

“Don’t know. But hey, we’re here now,” you tried to sooth and steer the topic away from something so serious. You were friend’s now; you didn’t want to ruin that.  You didn’t want to lose him again.

“Yeah,” he agreed, moving in his seat and bundling you tighter in his lap.

“And we are drunk as all fuck,” you laughed.

“It’s pretty sound hey?” he smiled, giving in to your attempt at lightening the mood. You nodded happily, scrunching up your face at him a little.

Van suddenly stood, lifting you up like a bride and you squealed and threw your arms around his neck.

“I’m not gonna drop ya’ love,” he chuckled, sensing your fear

“Are you sure?” you whispered into his neck.

“I’ve got you y/n, always.”

………..

Going out and getting drunk with Van became somewhat of a routine when he was home. Same place, same time, same amount of fucked. He’d go from his place, to work, to yours almost on a loop. ‘Yours’ being the pub. Another thing that became a habit, was Van bringing up your past. You were both intoxicated every time and you’d almost always end up just laughing about it. Though you couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something serious behind his words. You never talked about it sober; that topic was strictly reserved for drunk Van and drunk y/n.

A few months since the last time, you found yourself once again in the local with Van. The only thing different this time, was that Larry and Bondy had joined you.

“So, what’s happening up in The Toon?” you asked Bondy, mocking his Geordie accent.

“Nothing much,” he shrugged, sipping his lager and ignoring your bait. “Went to a good gig at The Cluny the other week though.” he added, referring to a small gig venue he was always at when back home in Newcastle.

“Anything new with you?” Bondy asked. You crinkled your eyebrows to think, then shook your head no in response.

“You sure?” he questioned, nodding his head towards Van’s arm that hung over your shoulders.

“We’re just friends,” you answered quickly.

“Riiiight,” Larry chimed in sarcastically as he came over with a tray of drinks.

You and Van shifted together uncomfortably. He removed his arm and this small act made your stomach twist. Bondy and Larry exchanged a look.

Later on in the night, Van escaped outside for a smoke while the other two played pool. Having no interest in the game, you took Larry’s jacket and followed him out into the cold night. He was stood outside the pub just by the door, his back leant against the bricks.

“You’ll dirty your coat,” you told him, as you leant beside him.

“You’ll dirty Larry’s,” he countered.

“Touché.”

Van smoked in silence, the noise from inside the pub was muffled and the only other sound was the occasional car driving past. You weren’t really sure what was going on. Neither of you were as drunk as usual and things didn’t feel as fun, alcohol aside.

“Is everything okay?” you asked, crossing your arms and turning to face him.

Van dropped his cigarette and squished it under his boot with a sigh. He swatted a moth out of his face, and you let out an exhale in place of a laugh.

“Yeah. I mean…I dunno’ I just have stuff on my mind.”

Van ran a hand through his hair then shoved it into his pocket. Seeing him like this made you uneasy. You didn’t like being serious with Van. Deciding against questioning him further, you stayed quiet and gave him space to think and continue when he was ready.

“I know we talk about it and joke about it when we’re fucked. But I just can’t get it out my head,” he began, pulling away from the wall and sounding frustrated with himself.

Your heart lurched. No, Van, stop. Please.

“Have you really not thought about it? Trying again?” he questioned, his eyes snapping to yours pleadingly.

You had thought about it, but not seriously. You’d tried once and it didn’t work; you’d accepted that. You were friend’s now and that was going just fine. The idea of being in a relationship with Van again, unearthing all the things you once felt, seemed like the scariest thing in the world.

Van’s eyes stared intensely into your own, waiting for a response of some sort. You didn’t know what to say. He looked anxious. When you didn’t reply his eyes began to dart around your face desperately trying to read your blank expression.

“Do you want to be with me y/n?”

The words fell from his mouth quietly and you reeled.

“I- I can’t decide all this now. Not in one night,” you replied, leaning further back into the wall and shutting your eyes to calm yourself. Your mind was racing a million miles an hour.

Van sighed and moved closer to place a warm hand on your cheek.

“Take all the time you need y/n, you know I’ll follow your lead.”

Van led you back inside without another world, telling himself that you’d be together eventually if your path’s kept crossing like they had been. He had no doubt about it.

………

You hadn’t spoken to Van much after the conversation outside the pub. He’d left for tour once again and you’d gotten a new job that kept you busy. You were happier in this one too and the pay was better. This meant that in the three months Van had spent away, he returned home to find you in the midst of moving.

He’d called you just before his flight, saying he needed to talk once he was back. He sounded serious, like he had that night he asked you to be with him. You knew he wanted to work it out once and for all. Your body filled with anxiety yet again, but you agreed to meet in the pub downstairs at lunch time two days after he got back.

You were sweaty haired and stressed out by the time it was midday and you had to go see Van. There were boxes littered around the tiny flat, your possessions spread out across the floor and some boxes in the stair well that you’d managed to drag out. You honestly didn’t know how you’d accumulated so much stuff. After taking a final glance at your not so pleasant reflection in the mirror, you thought fuck it. Van wouldn’t care how you looked anyway.

He was sitting on the sofa in the back corner, your usual spot. Dressed in his usual black skinny jeans and black denim jacket. God, you really were both such creatures of habit. His mouth twisted into a smile when he saw you and he stood to hug you hello. He pulled away leaving his hands rested on your shoulders.

“You alright?” he asked, confused at the state of you.

“Yeah, packing. Moving,” you shrugged as he looked you up and down. “Gotta be out tomorrow morning.”

Van nodded and let his arms drop.

“I can help, if you want?” he offered.

“Sure. Thanks,” you smiled. “But first, what did you wanna talk about?” You knew full well what he wanted to talk about, but you acted ignorant in hopes of putting it off for as long as possible.

“Oh, yeah,” he shook his head as if he’d forgotten. “You know what? Doesn’t matter, just wanted to see ya. How about we go get on with those boxes?”

Van followed you up the stairs to your place. It was strange that he’d somehow never been up there before after the countless nights you’d spent together downstairs. Would the pub still be your meeting place once you moved?

He glanced around the room curiously, eyeing the boxes already packed and the possessions that still lay strewn about the place.

“You weren’t kiddin’ when you said small,” he commented.

The ‘flat’ you rented was a single room with a small kitchen, dining table, bed and shelves all in the one space with a tiny bathroom set off to the side in what may as well have been a cupboard. It was simple but it had worked.

“Yeah, well not all of us have rock star pay checks,” you teased, and Van stared back at you unamused.

“Right. Well I’m currently packing all my books, clothes, whatever. If you could like, pull apart the table and chairs that would be incredible.”

Van nodded and slid out of his jacket. He threw it down on top of a box and pushed up his sleeves before turning to the dining table. You could tell he was a little confused about where to start and what to do but you just watched as he pottered about. It was cute. His face quickly turned to a look of concentration as he sorted through the tool box you had beside it. He began to take out the screws in a chair bit by bit. It was only Ikea stuff so not too difficult.

Something about seeing him be so...domestic…caused memories of your relationship to resurface. Things that you’d not thought about in a long time, that were as good as buried in your mind, suddenly floated to the top.

Stunned at your own thoughts, you quickly shook yourself and moved to the corner where you had your phone plugged into the speakers on the floor. You clicked play on your spotify and looked over to Van who smiled once he heard the music start.

You and Van spent the next couple of hours singing and dancing while loading up boxes with possessions and bits of disassembled furniture. Goofing around together was fun and your worries seemed to fade away. And it was good to hear his singing voice again. Something you used to love was how he’d sing around the house or in the shower, or just specially to you. It was something that always made you felt comforted.

The packing was almost done and you both began to drag boxes outside and downstairs ready to be packed into your car. God knows how that was going to work either. You and Van were absolutely exhausted.

“How about I get us some drinks?” Van offered, leaning down with his hands on his knees to get his breath back.

“I love that idea. Bring them upstairs?”

Van nodded and you turned to go back up. You still had to pack the kitchen crockery in bubble wrap. You laughed to yourself as you heard Homesick playing from the speaker as you walked back through your door. Spotify must have gotten to the Catfish section of your songs list. You’d not listened to Catfish in ages; you had no reason to. It was kind of weird to listen to your ex’s band? But you’d forgotten how good they were and how catchy the songs were too. You began to throw yourself around not dissimilarly to how Van would, singing along to his lyrics as well.  

By the time Van came back carrying a tray of cold, icy ciders you were swaying your hips to the beat of Cocoon and singing along loudly as you rolled a mug up in bubble wrap, unaware that he had returned and was staring at you from the doorway.

“Well, that’s the cutest fuckin’ thing I’ve ever seen,” Van grinned once the song had finished, making you jump with fright.

“Jesus…lucky I didn’t drop that,” you hissed and your cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

He looked at the mug and cringed before mouthing ‘sorry’. Van placed the tray down on the kitchen bench then handed you a cider.

“And not to be ‘that guy’ but you were singin’ the words wrong,” he laughed, his voice laced with smugness.

“Well sorrrryyy, bit out of practice. Been a while since I’ve been to a show, see,” you teased with an eye roll.

“You should come to the next one we have around here, I’ll put you on the list.”

Silence fell between you and Van as you gulped down your drinks, refreshed by the coldness of the liquid after your hard work. You met Van’s gaze and he held eye contact for a little too long. He placed his drink down and leant against the counter.

“Look y/n, I was goin’ to say it before but chickened out. I know I said I’ll wait, but it’s killin’ me. I need to know. Will you be with me?”

Van’s sudden admission floored you. Your eyes opened wide and your jaw dropped slightly. You must have looked as though you’d just seen a ghost.

“I don’t know Van,” you whispered. His face fell.

He took the cider glass from your hand putting it with his and stood close to you, placing a hand on your waist. You wriggled out of his grip and crumpled down to the floor with your back against the cupboard beneath the sink. You sat with your knees to your chest, like a child.

You knew, deep down, that your feelings for Van were there. That they’d laid dormant for a long time. If you’d never seen him again after your breakup, you could have gone your whole life without ever thinking of them. But you hadn’t; yours and Van’s lives kept overlapping and you were brought together again and again. Apart from that having to mean something, it awoke the feelings for him that you’d forgotten and then desperately tried to ignore.

“I don’t know,” you repeated.

Van fell to his knees in front of you and placed both hands on your legs.

“What do I do, y/n?” he pleaded, looking broken.

You wanted to be with Van, you did. In that moment you decided you did, theoretically. But this was not a fantasy. This was real life. The life that had driven you apart before. The life that had become so hard to deal with apart from each other for months on end. How could it work when you’d tried before and knew you were doomed to fail? You didn’t want to be heartbroken over Van McCann yet again.

You didn’t altogether understand his feelings for you either. Why and how had he so suddenly gone from being your friend, to wanting you back so desperately he’d beg? All of these thoughts and questions scared you.

“You need to leave Van,” you said suddenly, pushing him away.

Van’s face contorted into an expression of pain and confusion. He tried to pull you close again but when you wouldn’t budge, he stood up and went to take his coat. You felt sick to the stomach and couldn’t look at him, you knew you were being cruel.

“Call me if you change your mind,” he said solemnly before disappearing out your door, letting it slam behind him.

You threw yourself down on your bed that was now a mattress on the floor and let out an ocean of tears. What the fuck were you doing. You were so angry with yourself and you genuinely didn’t know what to do. Torn between hiding from potential heartbreak or just saying ‘fuck it’ and giving in.

In an attempt to distract yourself, you finished off the last bits of packing. You were staying with a friend for a few days until you could move into the new place. At least that was one thing sorted. Next, you returned the glasses and half-drunk ciders to the pub, sticking around to chat with the bartenders for a bit.

But of course, the distractions weren’t working. Back in your room, you sat down on your bed legs crossed and lip nervously bitten between your teeth. Your phone lay on the duvet at your feet and you stared at it for a long time. You weren’t sure how long; could have been minutes, could have been hours. ‘Call me if you change your mind’, Van had said. The problem was that you couldn’t make it up in the first place. With a rough groan, you pushed the phone away and flopped down onto your back, throwing your hands over your face.

After a moment, you picked up your phone and clicked back into spotify. Van’s voice echoed out of the speakers once again, hitting you right in the chest. What if he had been right when he’d said that maybe you’d fucked up by ending things? What if it worked this time? You had a home and a stable job now. He was used to his lifestyle, he’d grown up. Things were different, as much as you tried to tell yourself they weren’t.

Your mind tracked over the last year, to all the moments where you and Van had been pulled back together. You couldn’t explain it, but it felt right and you’d always known it. No matter where you were or who you were with, Van was what lay at the bottom of it all. Whether that was getting you home safely after one too many, shaking hands with your shitty ex-boyfriend when he shouldn’t have had to, or being your rock in a time of need. Not to mention all the drinks and laughs in between.

You loved Van. You didn’t want to be without him.

In a blind panic and rush of urgency, you grabbed your phone once again and shakily stopped the music before finding Van’s contact and pressing ‘call’. Your heart was beating rapidly and your skin began to turn clammy. Your breath caught in your throat more and more with each passing dial tone.

“Y/n?”

You froze. This should have been the simplest of calls, but you had no idea where to begin.

“I…”

“I know,” he said softly. You let out a deep breath and rested your forehead in your hand. Tears began to spill from your eyes.

“I’m so sorry Van,” you cried into the phone. “I want you. And I need you, I wish I hadn’t ruined things.”

“You haven’t y/n. You haven’t at all,” he soothed.

Your heart rate began to slow at his words and Van let you calm down before he said anything else.

“I’m so fucking glad you called,” he admitted once you’d stopped crying. He sounded as relieved as you felt.  

“Me too,” you whispered. You wish you could hold him right now, bury your face in his chest. Kiss him.

There were a few moments of silence between you. Neither of you were ever that good at talking on the phone anyway.

“God, it really does take us to the eleventh hour doesn’t it?” Van laughed in a tone of frustrated disbelief.

“Are you quoting the Bible?!”

“What? Just mean last minute…somethin’ Dad says.”

You chuckled and nodded, forgetting he couldn’t see. Your mind was in a dizzy haze from feeling too many different things at once. After listening to each other’s breath down the phone for a few seconds, Van spoke, his tone back to its usual bounce.