#vaguelybipolar

NEW POST JUST WENT LIVE ON MY WEBSITE

~~https://sandradee3o3.wixsite.com/vaguelybipolar~~

Being strong and hardheaded is something I've been able to pride myself in. I always thought, even though you can be a mess, at least you have your beliefs. It's true, I do have my own beliefs and I stick by what I feel strongly about. At least, I hope I do. I've started realizing that I'm not as tough as I want to be. I come off as being very strong willed, but I don't think I am. I think I'm a lot more maleable than I realized.

It's gut wrenching to think that you're not who you thought you were. You've always told people, you've always let it be known that you are a strong woman. I always wanted to that strong woman that I never saw in media. I always wanted to be that example, that starter. But I don't think I am. I'm so easily influenced by what others say and think.I'm very set in my ways, in that I know what I don't want or don't agree with. But I'm always questioning and unsure of what I do believe in. It's always been so easy for me to go along with what everyone wants for me. It's so easy for me to agree with whomever's approval I seek.

I guess that's the thing, is that I'm so desperate for approval, so desperate for someone to look at me and say, "hey, she's doing great things, I'm proud of her!" I've gotten a lot of negative attention as a child, ever since I can remember, it was always about finding what was wrong with me. Why did I lash out? Why did I act the way I did? It's always been about fixing me up and tearing me down. But now, years later, and I'm still looking to everyone for answers. I'm still trying to find that one person that will make everything better, that will make me better.

NEW POST JUST WENT LIVE ON MY WEBSITE

~~https://sandradee3o3.wixsite.com/vaguelybipolar~~

Getting diagnosed is always such a scary thing to face. It's scary when you're a little kid, sitting on a big couch, and the therapist looks right past you, and they tell your parents what's wrong with you. It's scary when you don't understand what's going on, and the big words mean a lot to all the adults, but not to you. It's scaring hearing that there's something wrong with you, and no one wants to explain it to you. It's scaring when you're 27 years old and you have to be faced with some harsh reality. It's scaring when you're sitting there and the therapist looks you straight in the face, and tells you what's wrong with you. It's scaring when you now know what's wrong with you, but have no idea where to go from here.

 Getting diagnosed feels like you're at the end of the tunnel and the light is just a skip away. It's feels like you can finally close the book on all of this mess. It feels like you can leave behind all the pain and be better. It feels like that for a split second. Until you realize you have to keep going. A diagnosis isn't a cure, it's just telling you what's wrong. Now you have to keep going, to trudge through the multiple medications, the endless appointments, and all the "stress management". It's never been a straight line, and it never will be. It's a scary thing to be faced with and it's scary thinking you're all alone in what you feel. 

I know, I've felt it. When I was diagnosed I don't think I've ever been more terrified in my whole life. It was like a tidal wave of confusion and I had no idea where to start. I remember that day, I came out and told my mom. We were in the car driving, and I told her what my therapist told me. She stayed quiet for a long long time. She didn't want to talk about it, she still doesn't talk about it. Two years later and she still tries to avoid hearing about my sessions or my diagnosis. I think that's where I get it from. Where I can't talk about my emotions, and I find it difficult to open up.