#using your voice

Around the time I was a sophomore in high school, I started using my social media more often. It was there that I found different quotes and things that I could relate to, and there was a specific one that completely changed my perspective. It said something along the lines of ‘just because there are people out there in other parts of the world who suffer different, and perhaps more drastic, hardships than you, doesn’t mean yours are invalidated.’ Okay, so there was some more to it than that, but that was the gist and the main thing that stuck with me.

Now, I have a lot of childhood trauma, but I had been told for years that my problems are less than the problems of other people. So maybe you can see how this struck a chord with me. From the time I was two, I was in and out of psychologists offices. Sometimes they would deem me fit to not need any more psychological help, other times they would move. It didn’t matter, I always ended up back in the office somehow.

When I was younger, I didn’t really understand the concept of talking about my feelings. I just was glad to have an escape of some sort from the world around me. Then reading came along. In either kindergarten or first grade, I was diagnosed with dyslexia. Because of that, I was pulled out of classes every once in a while and brought to the media center. There, I would have to pick up a book harder than the ones we were reading in class, so that I could be sure to catch up and be able to read aloud when needed.

It was difficult, but soon enough, everyone just thought that I was a bookworm. I never really corrected them, so that was how I became known. It’s true, I do read all the time. I can finish a book in a few hours if I want to, but I have had to work hard for that. It’s still hard for me to read aloud, although my siblings love having me read to them (probably because they get a kick out of my stuttering) even knowing about my disability. And that’s just it. Dyslexia is considered a disability, and in this world, disabilities mean you’re weak.

Having a disability of any sort, shouldn’t mean you’re weak. Having to live with that everyday, should prove that you are strong, but it doesn’t and that is one of the biggest downfalls in society. Again, around sophomore year, I started to be more open about my dyslexia. Even my best friends had no idea about it, and when I opened up, everyone was shocked. I had just complained out loud, accidentally, that I hated how the letters kept switching on me.

I do that all the time at home. Groan about how annoying it is, but I had been great at not doing it at school. When I had accidentally slipped up in school, two of my friends that sat in front of me in that class and turned to look at me like I had gone insane. We had lunch right after that class, so they dragged me outside and asked me what I could possibly mean. When I explained, they were utterly confused and said ‘but you’re such a bookworm!’

Here’s where things got tricky. I explained to them that in all honesty, I had hated reading, up until the end of first grade when my mother bought me a copy of The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan. That book completely changed my life, more than once. The main character had dyslexia and ADHD, which I later found out that I had ADHD as well. It was the first book where there was some kid just like me and I loved it.

After explaining all of that, they got very sensitive around me. I realized that no one really ever talked to me normally after I told them that. It made me think about some things. Like the fact that having a mental illness is considered attention seeking, even though it is as real as a physical ailment. When I had shattered the bones in my right leg, no one told me that I was seeking attention. No one told me to just ‘get over it’ as though it weren’t real. Now, people judge me for saying my leg hurts when I don’t wear my brace, and it’s a lot like my mental illnesses. 

Our society has a ‘if I can’t see it, it doesn’t exist’ mentality and it’s wrong. Just because I have a disease you can’t see, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. I think that the entirety of things that go with depression and anxiety and any other mental illness, needs to be discussed. However, people are too afraid to point it out in fear of being judged. Almost everyone in society has or had some form of a mental illness. Yet no one wants to talk about it. It really puts a damper on the whole ‘you’ll always be accepted’ thing.