#using tools

It was the last day of moving the things to his cousins house. We had already been moving everything for 3 weeks. He was frustrated. I was frustrated and so was his mom. We were doing good then the whole time. He was so aggravated about his mom wanting to keep everything she had. For the most part we were pretty understanding with her and I honestly think that was just a bad way to do it. She just keeps collecting stuff she doesn't need.

Anyway. I was bring stuff down the stars (we lived on the second floor. ) All day I had been doing this because he was at work. Towards the end of the night my knee was staring to lock up and it was getting very difficult to go up the steps. I still did my best to continue even though my whole body was screaming at me.

As I was bringing this box he looked at me with a very angry look and said "how many more boxes is there left?"

I was out of breath and took me a minute to say "My love there is still a lot of things left. "

He got so angry/frustrated he grabbed one of the containers and started shaking it and slamming it on the truck.

I just stood there in shock and then the lovely brain I have immediately sent me somewhere I didn't want to be in.

Suddenly I was right back at my old apartment and my ex husband was throwing things at me. I could feel my hands super sweaty and I was having more trouble breathing. I tried to ground myself saying the words to the song that was playing on my headphones. (Mirror by Sinrid ) "I love who I see looking at me in the mirror. Nothing compares to the feeling right there. In the mirror, in the mirror " I felt like I couldn't register anything else but the words coming from my headphones. Suddenly my body just knew what to do and I slowly walked back up the steps. I kept cleaning the kitchen and collecting the garbage.

As the lyrics just kept coming through this little piece of plastic inside my ear all my body could do is keep moving. Slowly my head started going with the beat. Little piece of plastic singing "Kinda like us, you and I. If you a fruit you'd be a fine apple. If you a word you'd be the fine print. I'd like to try my hand at time travel. So you could walk by me again" (Fine Apple by Nic D)

I found myself dancing to the song. I was back. Breathing was back. I could breath again. I avoided going downstairs for a while. I needed more time.

He came upstairs and he was not okay still. He was still upset. I'm didn't know what to say or how to react. He had a lot of feelings. Strong feelings. He came back upstairs but he didn't come to talk to me or anything. He was a like a bull on a mission to fit the red flag.

"Mother are you fucking kidding me. At this point what is left?! At this point its either garbage or garbage! I'm done. This is too much shit" I could feel my body freeze up. I stood there once again frozen. Body completely forgot how to work. Stupid sweaty palms. My hands started shaking and I was gone. Suddenly Ive forgotten how to breath again.

This time it wasn't Rob trying to hit me. This time my mom was yelling very loud. I was in the conner of the kitchen at my old house. She was angry. She hit me with the frying pan that was on top of the stove top. I felt little. I felt like she was right there. In that very kitchen. I could feel a lump in my throat. I wanted to scream but I couldn't...

Then I heard Ish's mom "I don't even want to speak to you right now." She walked towards the empty hallway and grabbed her mothers urn. She was whispering at it. She hugged the urn. She looked so little. Almost like a young child holding their teddy bear. She left the house and got in her car. I wasn't sure if she had left.

Suddenly I looked over next to me and my mother was gone. Of course she's gone. She's never been here. It's just my head.

Ish is gone too.

As I stood there in the kitchen surrounded by all the garbage. I thought none of this has anything to do with me. They aren't my problem. I cannot control what happens around me. Only whats inside of myself . I kept cleaning and packing. I couldn't even register the music playing. He came back upstairs. He stood on the balcony. Staring at me. I could see him standing there.

He said

"Can we talk?"

"What would you like to talk about ? There's nothing to talk about."

He got aggravated by what I said. "I was just trying to apologize about how I handled that. I'm sorry but you don't even want to talk to me"

"My love. I love you and I appreciate you coming to tell me this. You dont have to. You are frustrated. I'm frustrated. Your mom is frustrated. We are all frustrated and tired. You dont have to apologize you have every right to feel how you feel. Yes you could of said 'hey my love I'm getting frustrated and pissed off' I would of looked at you and said same here. I love you we will get through it together. " We hugged and got through the rest of the day/night.

After all it seems that he also struggles with boundaries with his family just like I do. So on that note. MUST REMEMBER you cannot control what other people do or how they react. You can only control how you react to the world around you. So relax and learn to breath with all the bullshit.