What if you never felt like you fitted anywhere and then you found a place with the enemies so you kept it secret because you didn't want to be scolded, didn't want to be treated like a child, didn't want for this little safe haven to be taken away from you and what if this same 'safe haven' turned out to be fake and attempted to kill you, betraying your trust so strongly and costing you your brother. Your brother. Your beloved brother who traded his life for yours. Who couldn't help you feeling like fitting somewhere but who knew how difficult that could be, who had chosen something else than Painting too, who learned to deal with problems by lying and fitting in and collecting masks on top of masks. Not that he wanted you to be the same as him. His beautiful sister needs no mask - real or metaphorical. He would've never resented you. He must have been so glad you made it out. Maybe his last words could be interpreted as a lie - how could you be anywhere near okay? - but it was far more of a hope from him. And reassurance for you. It's not like he wanted you to blame yourself or panic even more as fire grew nearer. He wanted you to be okay, no matter what would happen next. He may have screamed a lot before dying, and you heard all of it too, but when he smiled at you it wasn't a mask, it wasn't forced. Sure, he must have been scared as well, how couldn't he have been?, and he would've reacted differently if you hadn't been there, but that doesn't change that his smile was genuine and so was his consolation. What is left of him that isn't him may hate that you and your mother force him to keep on living, but he'd be so happy to know he made you live. Hypocrites, both of you - that's what he said, no? Of course he'd keep on dying if that means you get to live. (Of course you'd kill yourself slowly if that means you get to keep what's left of him near.)
