#upcat

AND THERE'S A LOT OF FUCKING UP BEAT POP SONGS IN IT!!!

Life lately:

Have been prioritising college entrance exam reviews, but that also made me neglect my blog. So, I decided if ever those days happen, I'll just make an update about my day-to-day.

Been attending BrainTrain reviews these past 2 weeks but math is making my life span decrease

BrainTrain making me think whether or not I can study enough (cram fast enough) and be able to pass the UPCAT this August

Registered for a free research webinar later this month! Will probably make a later post about that and what I've learned

School is also about to start later this month and it'll be my last year. Thinking of scheduling a one-on-one lunch with each of my friends, at least I get to talk to them better that way if it's just between two, right? It's a bit tiring and taxing to talk in a group.

To do later:

Light CET reviews to encourage myself, specifically math and physics

Finish some writing tasks from extracurriculars

Contact and message people I've connected with on LinkedIn

But frankly, I don't know if it will help feeling unworthy of being here, anyway.

I lament not taking the UPCAT, despite my protest against its existence. While I firmly believe that quality education from the State, perhaps showered by name recognition, and in turn, academic regalia, nothing makes me feel like a hack more than believing that I do not belong in such an institution because I did not take a test--one that gatekeeps entry to what is, in Professor Emeritus Solita Collas-Monsod's words, the cremè de la cremè.

Education is a right, not a privilege, as we say, yelling in mobilization movements "edukasyon, edukasyon, karapatan ng mamamayan!" and gatekeeping is an antithesis to what we are standing for, yet, the validation that an exam offers is so fulfilling, and its absence makes me question every failure that I commit if I truly belong to this place.

I lament not taking the UPCAT, even if its absence is a product of a global health emergency, and logistics of conducting an exam of national scale is a risk that outweighs the desire to gatekeep admission to such institution. Hence, the spawn of a flurry of insults from those who have taken it towards our batch. Place your bets on how it makes us feel. Place your bets on how it makes me feel. Does it even help my case?

While the grade-based academic admission system had its advantages, mainly not having to dig yourself down sleepless nights to gamble for a chance of entry into the land of even more sleepless nights, the merit of "working hard" to earn your place reinforces something up your head: that even if you fail majestically in your courses, you at least hold on to an exam that immediately turns into vanity the moment your first academic term starts.

I lament not taking the UPCAT, but frankly, I don't know if it will help feeling unworthy of being here, anyway. Behind the flashing lights, the euphoria, and the glorifying feeling of receiving your notice of acceptance, is the crippling cycle of asking yourself if you are a hack. No matter how brilliant you are (or were), you will be on your toes if you want to stay on top of your game. And with an academic culture so vicious, doubt will be your inevitable, but necessary friend.

My hope for the new children that will enter the University is that somehow, the validating euphoria that is the UPCAT slowly chip away the doubt that their first long exam result may bring, or their first 3.00 may instill, for, at least, an exam has told you that you have earned your rightful place. May the rigor that the exam taught you not end in your first year, but bud into actions that are sparkling exemplars of Honor and Excellence. But, as for me, I will lament not taking the UPCAT, asking myself over and over if I should be here, when more brilliant people could have had my seat. If my admission is a grace afforded by challenging times. If I shall carry the guilt of being a hack.