#uoliveg

"Alright, see you kids later," said Míúren, giving them each a quick hug before heading off to the adult celebration. "Have fun. Uoliveg's upstairs if you need anything."

As Míúren left, Aedrii-Nú flapped her hands and squealed. This was the first year she had been allowed to come to the children’s Ykseis celebration. She wasn't technically Beri by the strictest definition, but Halek's Beri grandparents Juni and Taehogh considered her essentially one of theirs, and she was growing up in a partly-Beri household, so she was close enough. She didn't look particularly out of place, either, in a Beri bell dress and with many of the Beri-Rāmians here being mixed and having skin as light as hers or even lighter, ranging from the typical Ðíúharlaes light-medium brown to Halek's ebony Beri skin. She had inherited hair the same texture as Halek's from her mother, so Míúren had even done her hair up in celebratory Beri braids for her.

Talí wandered off, leaving Halek with Aedrii-Nú and Roo. As usual, he was the responsible one. 

Next year he’d get to go to the adults' celebration for the third night of Ykseis and enjoy himself without having to be the responsible one. Next year. 

"'Eyyyy, Sú-kogh!" Yainogh crashed into him and planted a sloppy kiss on his cheek. "Happy New Year! Baby girl!" He picked up Aedrii-Nú with his free arm and swung her around as she first protested that she wasn't a baby and then shrieked with laughter. "Roosí-Roo!" 

Halek reached out a hand to steady him as he wobbled dangerously over his crutch. 

He wrinkled his nose. "Yainogh, are you drunk?" There wasn’t really supposed to be alcohol at the kids' party, with most of them under drinking age, but Yainogh's breath smelled like it and sometimes it snuck in. 

"Maybe a bit," Yainogh said, and laughed. "Don't worry, it's on the high shelf, the little ones can't get at it." He grinned down at Roo and Aedrii-Nú. "Don’t drink 'til you’re older! The bubbly's kinda shi- kinda bad anyway, tasted cheap and sad. Maybe it always tastes like that! I don’t know! Never drank it before! But now I’ve tried some! It’s Ykseis!"

So. Drunk Yainogh talked even more and faster than normal Yainogh. Lovely.

"You aren’t dressed up!" Yainogh said, in what was probably mock horror, though knowing Yainogh the horror could have been real. 

"'These are my best clothes!" Halek said indignantly. 

"I'm dressed up!" Aedrii-Nú declared. "Look at my dress, Yainogh!"

She twirled, and the tiny bells jingled. 

"You look beautiful," said Yainogh. "Your Sú-kogh, on the other hand, looks like he's interviewing for a job, not coming dancing at Ykseis."

"My scarf has bells on it," said Halek. "I outgrew the gown. I've been eating better the past couple years and it’s too tight."

"Ah," said Yainogh. "Good, good. You'll have to get the gown adjusted, don't keep showing up to parties like this."

"I'll get around to it," said Halek. Yet another thing for his list of issues to resolve. 

Yainogh swung an arm around Halek’s shoulders and pointed his crutch across the room. "Me and Ísel, we're gonna get married. I love her so much! She's so pretty! She’s so fun!"

Halek sighed. Of course it had to be Yainogh and Ísel. There were over a dozen of them, so of course some romantic entanglement was bound to happen at some point, and that was fine as long as he- as the Sú-kogh- wasn't involved, but they'd managed to avoid that so far. 

The break-up would be messy and he would have to clean it up. 

"Can I do the garlands?" Aedrii-Nú asked. She had climbed onto Roo's lap, managing to insert herself between Roo and her knitting so Roo had to reach around her. 

"Of course, baby kogh!" said Yainogh. "Don’t worry, Halek, we'll be safe."

"It's just that you were also going to marry your last girlfriend," said Halek. "And the boyfriend before her."

"I'm older now," said Yainogh. 

By less than two cycles. 

"If you say so," said Halek. "Keep these two company for a minute? I'm going to say hi to Misa. Don't let Aedrii-Nú have those cookies, they have gluten."

"Coolio!"

There was a suspicious lump under Misa’s long coat when Halek hugged him. For the sake of his mental state, Halek very much hoped it was not what it felt like. 

"You didn't bring a gun to Ykseis," Halek hissed in Kelétsowif, popping his hearing aids in so they could talk quietly. 

Misa shrugged. "Sorry. Just in case."

"You're going to get in trouble and then we’ll lose you and the gun." Their QD cell only had two. They were not supposed to come out of storage. They were certainly not supposed to be carried around casually. "Never mind that if they have any reason to look too closely into your activities that compromises our security. And anyway there's little kids here."

"Relax, Sú-kogh," Misa said. "No one will know, okay? I'll put it back soon. I promise. You worry too much. It's a party- lighten up and have some fun. I'll keep an eye on your younger ones, you go dance or eat or something."

Halek tried to have fun. He did dance a bit, and it was kind of nice. 

Maaziariitna arrived late, but Halek had been worried ffe wouldn’t make it at all. 

"You're here!" he said. "Happy Ykseis, kogh."

Maaziariitna didn't say anything in response, just wrapped ffes arms around him and buried ffes face in his shoulder.

He hugged ffer back. "Do you want to talk?" he asked quietly. He really didn't want to talk about it, but Maaziariitna probably needed someone who understood.

Ffe nodded against his shoulder.

"Alright," he said, and guided ffer over to a seat.

"I was so scared," mumbled Maaziariitna, still leaning into him. "The whole time, I was so scared. I just felt so powerless."

"I know," said Halek, suppressing the full-body shudder that wanted to move through him. He was going to be stable, and calm, for Maaziariitna. 

"They put a number on me," said Maaziariitna. "Like I was a thing, just a fucking thing to them and not a person. They put a fucking number on me, Sú-kogh." 

"I know," Halek said again, very conscious of the back of his neck under his scarf. 

"I feel like everyone can see it," said Maaziariitna. "Like it's just this- this bright glowing thing and everyone knows." 

"It's not," said Halek, as if that wasn't ninety percent of the reason for his propensity for wearing scarves. 

"Can I see yours?"

Against his wishes, Halek felt his entire body tense up. 

"Sorry," said Maaziariitna. "I just, mine feels so fresh and visible and I was hoping it would fade with time-"

"No, it's okay," said Halek, even though it wasn't. "Here." He pulled off his scarf lifted his twists out of the way, turning his back to ffer. "Don't read it out loud, though, okay? I need you not to say it." 

It felt like the tattoo was burning. JM3160. 

The only number he ever wanted associated with him was his student number in Meelasugaado, a nine-digit string connected to academic information he could access at any time. 

He didn't ask to see Maaziariitna's. He didn't want to know ffes number. 

"Ektanai said you punched a guard," Maaziariitna said. "Badass. Wish I'd been brave enough." 

Halek froze in the process of re-wrapping his scarf. "I can't- I'd rather not talk about that." 

"It said they put you in solitary for it."

"Stop. You can't ask me about that." He was breathing too fast, already, just at the mention of it. 

"Sorry," said Maaziariitna. "I didn't meant to upset you. I'm sorry you went through that, Halek. It must have been really hard."

He appreciated Maaziariitna's rare genuine attempt at showing empathy. I'm just not good at it, ffe had told him once. I've learned by now it's usually better not to try at all. I know I don't feel things the same way and it's just better I try to do what I'm actually capable of instead. 

He appreciated that ffe was trying right now for him. It was nice to hear even if ffe didn't really feel it, and it was nice that ffe cared enough to say it anyway. 

"I'm always scared now," Maaziariitna said. "I've always been scared of hospitals, or, since I was sick, right, and now I'm just scared of everything that seems like a 'facility' or 'institution' at all." Ffe wrapped an arm around fferself. "I'm scared of everything now, really."

"Yeah," said Halek heavily. 

"Does it ever go away?"

"It gets easier with time," he said, a vast oversimplification of a very complicated truth. 

After leaving Maaziariitna with Ísel, he made his way over to their twelve-year-old cousin Kíkam. "I'm glad you decided to come."

"Aelísú was coming," said Kíkam. "Mum says you're a bad influence on her, but I wanted to spend time with her and Roo and Saurikasi and everyone and it's Ykseis."

Halek sighed. This rift between his aunt and the rest of the family had been going on for longer than he'd been alive, but in the past five years he had become a new focal point in it. "Yeah. I know. I hope you have fun, anyway." 

Kíkam clearly did not have any interest in continuing the conversation, so Halek went to grab some food and sit down to give his knee a rest. 

Uoliveg’s young son sat down next to Halek in the corner of the floor he'd claimed for himself. "It's loud."

"Yeah," said Halek. 

"Can I stay here with you?"

"Sure."

"Do you hear that?" asked the boy dozing against Halek's leg.

Halek turned his hearing aids back on. "Hear what?"

There was a distant sound. "That. From upstairs."

Halek focused on it. It sounded like boots. Too many to just be Uoliveg.

Then a gunshot. 

Halek was on his feet before he knew what was happening. He put two fingers between his lips and whistled shriller than he ever had before, shriller than he'd known he could. His hearing aids rang uncomfortably in response. 

"Everybody listen up!" he shouted. "Stay calm and quiet." He looked down at Uoliveg's son. "Is there a second exit from the basement?"

The boy shook his head. 

Halek tried not to panic. He could see that his muscles were shaking, but he wasn't feeling much at all right now, and he needed it to stay that way. 

"Alright. So we're all just going to stay calm and quiet. I think-" he swallowed- "I think this house is being raided. If they come down here, do whatever they say."

"Halek?" said a small voice beside him. "Do you think my kether's okay?"

No. No, Halek did not think Uoliveg was okay. "I don't know," he said. "I hope so."

Halek could feel his blood pounding in his head in the tense few minutes that followed. He had to protect the little ones- that was priority one. Talí, Roo, and Aedrii-Nú, then the rest of his cousins, then everyone else. Protecting himself had to be priority two, or three, or four, depending on how he was counting. 

The boots came down the stairs. 

The military and the police weren't much different at this point. It didn't matter who it was.

When they raised their guns, Halek was sure he was going to throw up.

Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay calm. They will hurt you if you can't stay calm. They will hurt you. 

As ordered, everyone lined up against the wall, hands behind their heads.

Protect the little ones. That was all Halek had to cling onto, to keep himself functional. He had to- to ignore the pieces of memory that were starting to seep through the cracks. He had to stay in the present. He was needed in the present.

If the officers searched them and found Misa's gun, it would be a problem.

Halek was not sure he could keep it together if he was searched. There would be hands on his body that he hadn't invited to be there and that might push him entirely over the edge. He didn't want to freak out in front of the little ones. That might upset them.

Yainogh was at the end of the line. An officer made to pat him down, but Yainogh wrenched away. 

"Fuck off," Yainogh growled. "Don't touch me."

The officer leveled her gun at him.

"Yainogh," Halek said, his throat dry.

"They don't get to just push us around like that, Halek," said Yainogh. "Fancy badge and uniform, so what?"

"And a gun." Halek kept his voice as level as he could. 

"What're you gonna do, shoot me?" said Yainogh, turning back. "Shoot me for celebrating the holidays? Fu-"

Bang.

Everything slowed down. 

The bells on Yainogh's Ykseis gown jingled as he collapsed.

Misa fell almost before Yainogh did, screaming and screaming and screaming, cradling his brother in his arms. 

Aedrii-Nú ran out, Talí yanking her back just as someone fired a round at her feet. 

Halek himself dropped to his knees and crawled the few feet to Misa and Yainogh. Yainogh Yainogh Yainogh. Desperately, he tried to push oxygen into Yainogh's lungs- being caught using magic illegally was a later problem and saving Yainogh's life was a now problem- but he had no success. The bullet hole was right in the centre of Yainogh's forehead, and he'd probably been dead before he'd hit the ground, and Halek couldn't calm his own breathing enough to line up the breaths properly anyway, and through it all Misa was screaming.

"Shut up."

Halek looked up to see the gun now pointed at Misa.

He enveloped Misa in his arms. "Misa." His voice was hoarse, had he screamed too? "Misa. I'm sorry. You have to stop screaming. Misa." He switched to murmuring Beri terms of endearment and Beri pleas at some point, which was a useful transition to what he had to say next, because it had to be private.

When Misa did manage to get his screaming under control, Halek kept him close. "Misa. What I'm going to say to you is going to sound very cruel, but I need you to do it. You need to leave him and get the others out. Please. I know I can rely on you to do your best to look after the little ones." He reached into Misa's coat and felt the shape of the pistol. "I'll cover you, block the exit. Make sure you press the ramp button or you'll have to carry Roo and it'll slow you down. Do you understand?"

Misa nodded against Halek’s chest and mumbled, "Yes."

"I love you." He kissed Misa's stubbly head and hoped it wasn't goodbye.

"Aim between the eyes," Misa said.

Halek did.

The rest of Halek's cousins got out alive, but not everyone did. Bodies of people he'd known his whole life lay around him. The smallest children had all gotten out, probably been put in front by the older ones. Most people had gotten out. But not everyone.

Halek had shot one person in the head, two in the legs, and a lot in the hands. The hands had seemed most logical if he didn't want to massacre a dozen people, so they couldn't shoot.

When the others were all out or on the ramp, he could tap into his magic. He wasn't precise enough to take oxygen from all the officers and leave the others unaffected, but he could keep his own and take everyone else's.

Maybe he should take it forever. It would be easy to kill them all, and a big part of Halek wanted to. But he valued life. Even the lives of people he hated with everything in him. So in the end he just put them to sleep (well, except for the first one, the woman who had killed Yainogh, who he'd killed).

He dropped the gun.

His hand was definitely shaking now.

"Oh dear," he said faintly, then laughed, sinking to the bloody floor. It seemed far too small an expression to sum this up.

He'd killed someone, and Yainogh- Yainogh. Yainogh. Yainogh-aer. Yainogh-aer was dead. Halek should have protected him and he was dead, right in front of him.

When Elèrí- Halek’s family’s patron ðíúfai, water fairy- came to collect Yainogh's body, Halek was still sitting there, holding Yainogh's limp hand in his and staring blankly into space.

Elèrí laid a damp hand on Halek’s shoulder. "I'll take care of him."

"He was only eighteen," said Halek hollowly. "I should have protected him. He was right in front of me."

"His spirit has returned to the air." Elèrí gently collected up his body. "I will return Yainogh-aer’s body to the water."

Halek nodded. Yainogh-aer.

When Elèrí took Yainogh- Yainogh-aer- away, Maaziariitna came back. Halek heard ffer gasp. He was still staring at the place Yainogh-aer had fallen.

Maaziariitna lowered herself down next to him. "The others are safe."

"You'll stain your gown," Halek said tonelessly.

"I don't care." Ffe wrapped ffes arms around him from the side.

The tears came as soon as Maaziariitna hugged him.

"Yainogh's dead," he gasped, rocking in ffes arms. "Yainogh-aer. He's dead. I was supposed to protect him." 

"It's not your fault," Maaziariitna said.

"I'm the Sú-kogh. It was my job to protect him- you shouldn't be comforting me, I should be comforting you, I'm the Sú-kogh-" But he couldn't make himself calm down to do that. He couldn't. His glasses were so tearstained- and was that blood?- that he could hardly see.

"It's okay," said Maaziariitna. "I can- I can comfort you sometimes too."

Halek very badly wanted his parents. "I can't go home," he realized, and cried harder. "I can't go home. I killed a cop. I can't bring that back to them. I can’t go home. I want to go home."

"Is there somewhere you can go?" said Maaziariitna. "You could come back to my grandmother's with me. I'm already a fugitive."

"Diihse and Juraji," said Halek. "I need Diihse and Juraji- I need Rovian but I can't bring this back to Rovian- I need my friends, but they're so far away, in Meelasugaado."

"How did you usually get there for school?"

"The flying carpet," said Halek. "But- it's at home. And I can't go home."

Maaziariitna was quiet for a minute, and the only sound was Halek's sobbing.

"I will get you to Meelasugaado," Maaziariitna said. 

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“Alright, see you kids later,” said Míúren, giving them each a quick hug before heading off to the adult celebration. “Have fun. Uoliveg’s upstairs if you need anything.” 

As Míúren left, Aedrii-Nú flapped her hands and squealed. This was the first year she had been allowed to come to the children’s Ykseis celebration. She wasn’t technically Beri by the strictest definition, but Halek’s Beri grandparents Juni and Taehogh considered her essentially one of theirs, and she was growing up in a partly-Beri household, so she was close enough. She didn’t look particularly out of place, either, in a Beri bell dress and with many of the Beri-Rāmians here being mixed and having skin as light as hers or even lighter, ranging from the typical Ðíúharlaes light-medium brown to Halek’s ebony Beri skin. 

Lí wandered off, leaving Halek with Aedrii-Nú and Roo. As usual, he was the responsible one. 

Next year he’d get to go to the adults’ celebration for the third night of Ykseis and enjoy himself without having to be the responsible one. Next year. 

“‘Eyyyy, Sú-Kogh!” Yainogh crashed into him and planted a sloppy kiss on his cheek. “Happy New Year! Baby girl!” He picked up Aedrii-Nú with his free arm and swung her around as she first protested that she wasn’t a baby and then shrieked with laughter. “Roosí-Roo!” 

Halek reached out a hand to steady him as he wobbled dangerously over his crutch. 

He wrinkled his nose. “Yainogh, are you drunk?” There wasn’t really supposed to be alcohol at the kids’ party, with most of them under drinking age, but Yainogh’s breath smelled like it and sometimes it snuck in. 

“Maybe a bit,” Yainogh said, and laughed. “Don’t worry, it’s on the high shelf, the little ones can’t get at it.” He grinned down at Roo and Aedrii-Nú. “Don’t drink ‘til you’re older! The bubbly’s kinda shi- kinda bad anyway, tasted cheap and sad. Maybe it always tastes like that! I don’t know! Never drank it before! But now I’ve tried some! It’s Ykseis!”

So. Drunk Yainogh talked even more and faster than normal Yainogh. Lovely. 

“You aren’t dressed up!” Yainogh said, in what was probably mock horror, though knowing Yainogh the horror could have been real. 

“These are my best clothes!” Halek said indignantly. 

“I’m dressed up!” Aedrii-Nú declared. “Look at my dress, Yainogh!” 

She twirled, and the tiny bells jingled. 

“You look beautiful,” said Yainogh. “Your Sú-Kogh, on the other hand, looks like he’s interviewing for a job, not coming dancing at Ykseis.”

“My hat has bells on it,” said Halek. “I outgrew the gown. I’ve been eating better the past couple years and it’s too tight.”

“Ah,” said Yainogh. “Good, good. You’ll have to get the gown adjusted, don’t keep showing up to parties like this.”

“I’ll get around to it,” said Halek. Yet another thing for his list of issues to resolve. 

Yainogh swung an arm around Halek’s shoulders and pointed his crutch across the room. “Me and Ísel, we’re gonna get married. I love her so much! She’s so pretty! She’s so fun!”

Halek sighed. Of course it had to be Yainogh and Ísel. There were over a dozen of them, so of course some romantic entanglement was bound to happen at some point, and that was fine as long as he- as the Sú-Kogh- wasn’t involved, but they’d managed to avoid that so far. 

The break-up would be messy and he would have to clean it up. 

“Can I do the garlands?” Aedrii-Nú asked. She had climbed onto Roo’s lap, managing to put herself between Roo and her knitting so Roo had to reach around her. 

“Of course, baby kogh!” said Yainogh. “Don’t worry, Halek, we’ll be safe.” 

“It’s just that you were also going to marry your last girlfriend,” said Halek. “And the boyfriend before her.”

“I’m older now,” said Yainogh. 

By less than two cycles. “If you say so,” said Halek. “Keep these two company for a minute? I’m going to say hi to Misa. Don’t let Aedrii-Nú have those cookies, they have gluten.”

“Coolio!”

There was a suspicious lump under Misa’s long coat when Halek hugged him. For the sake of his mental state, Halek very much hoped it was not what it felt like. 

“You didn’t bring a gun to Ykseis,” Halek hissed in Kelétsowif, popping his hearing aids in so they could talk quietly. 

Misa shrugged. “Sorry. Just in case.”

“You’re going to get in trouble and then we’ll lose you and the gun.” Their QD cell only had two. They were not supposed to come out of storage. They were certainly not supposed to be carried around casually. “Never mind that if they have any reason to look too closely into your activities that compromises our security. And anyway there’s little kids here.”

“Relax, Sú-Kogh,” Misa said. “No one will know, okay? I’ll put it back soon. I promise. You worry too much. It’s a party- lighten up and have some fun. I’ll keep an eye on your younger ones, you go dance or eat or something.” 

Halek tried to have fun. He did dance a bit, and it was kind of nice. 

Maaziariitna arrived late, but Halek had been worried she wouldn’t make it at all. 

“You’re here!” he said. “Happy Ykseis, Kogh.”

Maaziariitna didn’t say anything in response, just wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his shoulder. 

He hugged her back. “Do you want to talk?” he asked quietly. He really didn’t want to talk about it, but Maaziariitna probably needed to.

She nodded against his shoulder.

“Alright,” he said, and guided her over to a seat.

“I was so scared,” mumbled Maaziariitna, still leaning into him. “The whole time, I was so scared. I just felt so powerless.”

He made his way over to Kíkam. “I’m glad you decided to come.”

“Aelísú was coming,” said Kíkam. “Mum says you’re a bad influence on her, but I wanted to spend time with her and Roo and Saurikasi and everyone and it’s Ykseis.”

Halek sighed. “Yeah. I know. I hope you have fun, anyway.” 

Kíkam clearly did not have any interest in continuing the conversation, so Halek went to grab some food and sit down to give his knee a rest. 

Uoliveg’s young son sat down next to Halek in the corner he’d claimed for himself. “It’s loud.”

“Yeah,” said Halek. 

“Can I stay here with you?”

“Sure.” 

“Do you hear that?” asked the boy dozing against Halek’s leg.

Halek turned his hearing aids back on. “Hear what?”

There was a distant sound. “That. From upstairs.”

Halek focused on it. It sounded like boots. Too many to just be Uoliveg.

Then a gunshot. 

Halek was on his feet before he knew what was happening. He put two fingers between his lips and whistled shriller than he ever had before. His hearing aids rang uncomfortably in response. 

“Everybody listen up!” he shouted. “Stay calm and quiet.” He looked down at Uoliveg’s son. “Is there a second exit from the basement?”

The boy shook his head. 

Halek tried not to panic. He could see that his muscles were shaking, but he wasn’t feeling much at all right now, and he needed it to stay that way. 

“Alright. So we’re all just going to stay calm and quiet. I think-” he swallowed- “I think this house is being raided. If they come down here, do whatever they say.”

“Halek?” said a small voice beside him. “Do you think my kether’s okay?”

No. No, Halek did not think Uoliveg was okay. “I don’t know,” he said. “I hope so.”

Halek could feel his blood pounding in his head in the tense few minutes that followed. He had to protect the little ones- that was priority one. Lí, Roo, and Aedrii-Nú, then the rest of his cousins, then everyone else. Protecting himself had to be priority two, or three, or four, depending on how he was counting. 

The boots came down the stairs. 

The military and the police weren’t much different at this point. It didn’t matter who it was.

When they raised their guns, Halek was sure he was going to throw up.

As ordered, everyone lined up against the wall, hands behind their heads.

Protect the little ones. That was all Halek had to cling onto, to keep himself functional. He had to- to ignore the pieces of memory that were starting to seep through the cracks. He had to stay in the present. He was needed in the present.

If the officers searched them and found Misa’s gun, it would be a problem.

Halek was not sure he could keep it together if he was searched. There would be hands on his body that he hadn’t invited to be there and that might push him entirely over the edge. He didn’t want to freak out in front of the little ones. That might upset them.

Yainogh was at the end of the line. An officer made to pat him down, but Yainogh wrenched away. 

“Fuck off,” Yainogh growled. “Don’t touch me.”

The officer leveled her gun at him.

“Yainogh,” Halek said, his throat dry.

“They don’t get to just push us around like that, Halek,” said Yainogh. “Fancy badge and uniform, so what?”

“And a gun,” said Halek.

“What’re you gonna do, shoot me?” said Yainogh, turning back. “Shoot me for celebrating the holidays? Fu-”

Bang.

Everything slowed down. 

The bells on Yainogh’s Ykseis gown jingled as he collapsed.

Misa fell almost before Yainogh did, screaming and screaming and screaming, cradling his brother in his arms. 

Aedrii-Nú ran out, Lí yanking her back just as someone fired a round at her feet. 

Halek himself dropped to his knees and crawled the few feet to Misa and Yainogh. Yainogh Yainogh Yainogh.

Desperately, he tried to push oxygen into Yainogh’s lungs- being caught using magic illegally was a later problem and saving Yainogh’s life was a now problem- but he had no success. The bullet hole was right in the centre of Yainogh’s forehead, and he’d probably been dead before he’d hit the ground, and Halek couldn’t calm his own breathing enough to properly do what he’d done for Juraji, and through it all Misa was screaming.

“Shut up.” 

Halek looked up to see the gun now pointed at Misa.

He enveloped Misa in his arms. “Misa.” His voice was hoarse, had he screamed too? “Misa. I’m sorry. You have to stop screaming. Misa.” He switched to murmuring Beri terms of endearment and Beri pleas at some point, which was a useful transition to what he had to say next, because it had to be private.

When Misa did manage to get his screaming under control, Halek kept him close. “Misa. What I’m going to tell you is going to sound very cruel, but I need you to do it. You need to leave him and get the others out. Please. I know I can rely on you to do your best to look after the little ones.” He reached into Misa’s coat and felt the shape of the pistol. “I’ll cover you, block the exit. Make sure you press the ramp button or you’ll have to carry Roo and it’ll slow you down. Do you understand?”

Misa nodded against Halek’s chest and mumbled, “Yes.”

“I love you.” He kissed Misa’s head and hoped it wasn’t goodbye.

“Aim between the eyes,” Misa said.

Halek did.

The rest of Halek’s cousins got out alive, but not everyone did. Bodies of people he’d known his whole life lay around him. The smallest children had all gotten out, probably been put in front by the older ones. Most people had gotten out. But not everyone.

Halek had shot one person in the head, two in the legs, and a lot in the hands. The hands had seemed most logical if he didn’t want to massacre a dozen people, so they couldn’t shoot.

When the others were all out or on the ramp, he could tap into his magic. He wasn’t precise enough to take oxygen from all the officers and leave the others unaffected, but he could keep his own and take everyone else’s.

Maybe he should take it forever. It would be easy to kill them all, and a big part of Halek wanted to. But he valued life. Even the lives of people he hated with everything in him. So in the end he just knocked them out (well, except for the woman who had killed Yainogh and who he’d killed).

He dropped the gun.

His hand was definitely shaking now.

“Oh dear,” he said faintly, then laughed, sinking to the bloody floor. It seemed far too small an expression to sum this up.

He’d killed someone, and Yainogh- Yainogh. Yainogh. Yainogh-aer. Yainogh-aer was dead. Halek should have protected him and he was dead, right in front of him.

When Elèrí- Halek’s family’s patron naiad- came to collect Yainogh’s body, Halek was still sitting there, holding Yainogh’s limp hand in his and staring blankly into space.

Elèrí laid a damp hand on Halek’s shoulder. “I’ll take care of him.”

“He was only eighteen,” said Halek hollowly. “I should have protected him. He was right in front of me.”

“His soul has returned to the air.” Elèrí gently collected up his body. “I will return Yainogh-aer’s body to the water.”

Halek nodded. Yainogh-aer.

When Elèrí took Yainogh- Yainogh-aer- away, Maaziariitna came back. Halek heard her gasp. He was still staring at the place Yainogh-aer had fallen.

Maaziariitna lowered herself down next to him. “The others are safe.”

“You’ll stain your gown,” Halek said tonelessly.

“I don’t care.” She wrapped her arms around him from the side.

The tears came as soon as Maaziariitna hugged him.

“Yainogh’s dead,” he gasped, rocking in her arms. “Yainogh-aer. He’s dead. I was supposed to protect him.”

“It’s not your fault,” Maaziariitna said.

“I’m the Sú-Kogh. It was my job to protect him- you shouldn’t be comforting me, I should be comforting you, I’m the Sú-Kogh-” But he couldn’t make himself calm down to do that. He couldn’t. His glasses were so tearstained- and was that blood?- that he could hardly see.

“It’s okay,” said Maaziariitna. “I can- I can comfort you sometimes too.”

Halek very badly wanted his parents. “I can’t go home,” he realized, and cried harder. “I can’t go home. I killed a police officer. I can’t bring that back to them. I can’t go home. I want to go home.”

“Is there somewhere you can go?” said Maaziariitna. “You can come back to my grandmother’s with me. I’m already a wanted criminal.”

“Diihse and Juraji,” said Halek. “I need Diihse and Juraji- I need Rovian but I can’t bring this back to Rovian- I need my friends, but they’re so far away, in Meelasugaado.”

“How did you usually get there for school?”

“The flying carpet,” said Halek. “But- it’s at home. And I can’t go home.”

Maaziariitna was quiet for a minute, and the only sound was Halek’s sobbing.

“I will get you to Meelasugaado,” Maaziariitna said.

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Halek heard it on the radio over breakfast, not from Rovian, which scared him.

Soralij's restaurant had been raided and they'd found the print shop in the back. Soralij and a number of unnamed people had been taken into custody for 'spreading libelous untruths about the empire and undermining the war effort.' Rovian could be one of those unnamed people, because Halek had connected her to it.

Halek didn't bother to get dressed properly, just pulled on a coat and boots over his pyjamas before speed-walking out the door and across the Bridge to Kulainestainer.

This was why he had to keep those high walls between different parts of his life. This was why he hadn't wanted to let them mix, hadn't wanted Rebel Halek to overlap with Rovian's Best Friend Halek, because getting people involved meant getting people hurt and he'd gotten too many people hurt already. Rebels had to be pragmatic and get things done but friends didn't put friends in danger and he never should have tried to be both at once.

He thumped on Saafeera's door hard enough to bruise his wrist. If Rovian had been arrested he needed to know right now so he could formulate a plan right now and get her out right now-

"Paamiya, kiddo, what's wrong?" Saafeera was still affixing her revaap- a Gathiya Na Theenan headscarf- when she opened the door.

"Rovian," Halek said breathlessly.

"I'm pretty sure she's still asleep. That CanSkate show yesterday took a lot out of her."

"The print shop was raided and-"

"Oh." Saafeera took off her glasses and cleaned them on her shirt. "That's going to be a problem… Rovian wasn't there, though. You were worried she was?"

Halek nodded.

"You make sure she's ready if she ever does get caught in something like that," said Saafeera.

"I guess she still doesn't know about you," said Halek. Rovian was surrounded by liars.

Saafeera made an ambiguous gesture. "Now that she's involved, maybe she should, but it's against the rules and you know Juni wouldn't like it."

That was very true. Everyone knew about as few other people as possible, and Juni was very strict about operational security. Telling hir that Talí had found out about Halek had not been a pleasant conversation.

Rovian would, eventually, figure it out herself, and be upset with them all.

"Have you eaten?" Saafeera asked.

"Half my breakfast is now room-temperature and soggy on the meal blanket," Halek grumbled, coming to that unpleasant realization. Usually the household all ate together in the mornings, but Halek had woken up early and hungry and made himself something, and now probably everyone else had come to eat and found his abandoned breakfast. "Oh, man. I have to recalculate for my insulin now because I didn't eat as much as I planned and I won't be eating the rest of that."

"Are you still hungry?" asked Saafeera. "You can come into the common room and eat something else before you go back home."

"Yeah. Okay. Thanks."

"I'll make sure it all has the information for you," she said. "Take off your boots, it's wet out."

"What happens now?" Rovian asked.

"We'll have to find somewhere new," Halek Touch-Talked. "We need to keep spreading our information and ideas, now more than ever. I'll talk to some people… I'm delivering some vegetables from the garden later so I'll talk to some of the people I know then to see if they have space."

"I'll come," Rovian Touch-Talked.

Halek sighed. He was tired of keeping Rovian out of things and Rovian was tired of being kept out. "Yeah. Okay. What time are you done work today?"

"Midafternoon. I'll come over to your house when I finish up." Rovian pulled her coat on. "I'll walk you home now and get on the train near you."

"Okay." Halek almost protested- he didn't want to make her late- but with all this rebellion stuff… he really missed her. He missed just spending time together, casually, as Rovian-and-Halek, as friends, without the weight of grief and stress and war and secrets.

Halek's family had the fortune of a big back yard, which had been almost entirely converted into a vegetable garden for most of Halek's life. For a long time, when it produced enough, they'd been distributing some of the output throughout the neighbourhood as part of the Moghrlai Gurodstadit Neighbourhood Assistance program; this tenday it was Halek's turn.

Right now, with the time of year, there were a lot of tubers in about five different varieties in the boxes his uncle Chiishé-Faindh and Aedrii-Nú were helping him load into the wagon.

"Can I come?" Aedrii-Nú signed.

Halek wavered. "Rovian's coming with me today."

She made a pleading face.

Chiishé-Faindh tilted his head. It would probably be helpful for Halek to take her to get some energy out and give Chiishé-Faindh a bit of time to rest before he had to go to his job sorting recycling.

Halek sighed. "Okay."

Aedrii-Nú flapped her hands in delight. Her tracheostomy tube burbled with her squeal of happiness.

"Rovian and I are going to walk today- well, I'll probably take my wheelchair if Rovian doesn't mind pulling the wagon," said Halek. Usually he hooked the wagon up to his adult trike, which gave him the balance he lacked on a regular bike and had been modified to be gentler on his knee, but Rovian had never been much of a cyclist and had stopped biking entirely as her vision declined. "You can walk with us or get your bike, but there's no space in the wagon to pull you too."

Aedrii-Nú tugged at Chiishé-Faindh's sleeve. "Daddy, help me get my bike."

Chiishé-Faindh lifted the last box into the wagon and nodded, letting Aedrii-Nú lead him to their bicycle shed.

Rovian arrived shortly after.

"Aedrii-Nú's going to come too," Halek told her.

"Okay," Rovian Touch-Talked.

"Are you okay to pull the wagon part of the way?" Halek asked. "I know your arms hurt. Let me know if it's too much."

"I can pull," Rovian Touch-Talked. "We can trade on and off so I don't hurt my arms too much and you don't hurt your knee too much."

"Sounds good."

Aedrii-Nú greeted Rovian shyly as Chiishé-Faindh helped her buckle her helmet.

"Did you learn anything new about dinosaurs recently?" Rovian signed.

Aedrii-Nú flapped her hands again and began signing excitedly. Before long, she was showing off the little knitted triceratops Roo had made her that she always carried around and currently had in her bike basket.

Halek smiled. Aedrii-Nú didn't like to talk to people outside of the family all that much, but she would talk to anyone if it was about dinosaurs. It had been a little while since she'd seen Rovian last, and Rovian had said the exact right thing to put her at ease.

Side by side, Aedrii-Nú wobbling on her training wheels ahead of them, Halek and Rovian set off down the street.

"Our first stop is really close," Halek Touch-Talked, then called to Aedrii-Nú, "Stop when you see Amadi!"

Amadi lived in a park along the bank of the Ðíúntmoghr, just north of Halek's house and the Bridge.

"They only speak Beri," Halek Touch-Talked. "They won't understand your signs."

Rovian nodded.

Amadi waved upon spotting them.

"I brought some hot soup in the thermos," said Halek as Rovian helped him unload one of the boxes. "Everything else is cold, some cooked stuff and some fresh vegetables, like usual."

Amadi took the box and set it in their cart.

"How are the birds?" Halek asked, leaning forward in his wheelchair. Amadi always fed them seeds.

Amadi pressed a button on the cracked screen of their speech device. "Good. Many nests are made."

"That's good," said Halek.

"Birds are dinosaurs," said Aedrii-Nú.

"It's getting cold," Halek said. "Will you be coming to the shelter?"

Aedrii-Nú wandered over to watch a couple ducks as Halek waited for Amadi to finish typing.

"Amadi does not know," Amadi said. "Cold, but… Halek knows… Other people and Amadi do not mix well."

"Yeah," said Halek. The MGNA program did their best to make the shelter accessible, but there was only so much they could do with the little space and resources they had. "Well, you're always welcome there if you decide to go. Is there anything else I can help you with right now?"

"No," said Amadi. "Halek should come more often. It has been a long time since Amadi has seen Halek."

"Yeah," said Halek. Yet another friendship he'd let fall by the wayside. "I'm sorry. I've been unwell for a while."

That was his default excuse for not being around much, since he couldn't tell people he was in Wend-Ki. It was vague enough to cover a lot.

"No more jumping off the Bridge, Amadi hopes," Amadi said, and pointed a stern finger at Halek.

"No," said Halek. It was pretty common for people to assume he meant things were bad again with his bipolar and post-trauma stuff like in his mid-teens when he said he'd been unwell. "None of that. I have people looking out for me at home. Don't worry."

He wasn't even sure why he'd jumped off the Bridge in the first place, whether it had been a suicide attempt or if he'd been seeking a thrill and convinced of his own indestructibility or what; he didn't remember jumping, only waking up in the hospital. He didn't remember a lot of that year.

"Good," said Amadi.

"I have to go deliver the rest of this, but I'll see you on my way back," said Halek. "I'll try to come see you more. I'm doing a bit better right now."

Everyone was pretty tired by the time they reached Uoliveg's house, the last on the list. Halek was taking a turn pulling the wagon, his right wrist hooked awkwardly under the handle so his left hand was free to use his cane, and he had given in to Aedrii-Nú's pleas to pull her too now that there was space.

"Mostly tubers this time," Halek told Uoliveg.

"My kid loves mash," Uoliveg said. "This is great. It's been exactly the same kind of potatoes for far too long. Maybe I can get a bit of variety into his diet with these." Ze laughed. "I guess you know what that's like, with your family."

"Oh, for sure," said Halek. Everyone in his household was autistic except for himself and his grandmother and grandfather. "If you want to talk with my grandparents or parents about getting enough nutrients into the things he'll eat, just give them a call. They have lifetimes of experience."

"I might take you up on that," said Uoliveg.

"Speaking of my family…" Halek began. "My Isohi was wondering if, with your books, you know anyone who would be willing to lend or rent out an industrial printer." Juni was widely understood within the community to be involved with the resistance in some capacity, so it was less revealing to say Juni was looking for a printer than for Halek to be looking for one.

"Sudden need?" said Uoliveg, probably referring to today's news about the raid.

Halek nodded. "It would have to be confidential."

"I'll see what I can do," said Uoliveg. Ze shifted the box in hir arms. "Wait here and I'll get the book I fixed for your sibling. The spine is as good as new now. Let me know if there's any more problems with pages falling out or the cover peeling, but the glue and stitches should hold."

"Thanks," said Halek.

Uoliveg disappeared briefly, then came back with a newly-restored book. Halek was pretty sure Talí had gotten it from the library clearing-out sale, so it had been in rough shape.

Uoliveg handed the book to Aedrii-Nú in the wagon. "It's good to see you out of the house again, Halek. I'll ask around about the printer."

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