#untilt

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Artwork by Zarory

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So this last week or so has been pretty odd. I spent Thanksgiving in the Psych Ward. Almost killed myself. Found my purpose in life. Shed myself of the reliance on Subutex. Met all sorts of folks. You know, the usual. (THISISNOTUSUALFORMEWHATISGOINGONMYLIFEISACTUALLYIMPROVINGWHATTHEFUCKDOIDONOWTHISHASN'TEVERREALLYHAPPENEDBEFOREWHATDO) Progress: Too much to list on a site like this. I like to try to be brutally honest, but this was a bit more of an in depth experience; too much for a site that people go to for porn .gifs.

Should I feel guilty of myself? Are the problems that I'm having caused by me, or something that I cannot control? Am I depressed or have I just trained myself to be a self loathing pile of empty? Am I doomed to be this way? If I am, can I just embrace it and be known has the man who was hollow his whole life? What the fuck am I going to do with myself? I mean, what can I actually excel at in life? What skills do I have? Sure, I have great introspective skills and I suppose I can turn that into interesting conversation and some okay writing but how can I turn it into a career? How can I profit from being gifted the way I am? I know that I have some skills, some I know about and some I don't, I just don't know how to weave the skills together to create a self-sustaining life. That's the main goal that I have in life - be able to live completely independently and still be content, maybe even happy. I feel like I'm still a far way off, but hell, I'm 21, so fuck it, right? Sure, I should be doing something to further myself, but I don't have to expect to be there any time soon. Okay. Goal setting time. When I'm 26, I will have a salary job that I am at the very least content with. It's happening. Progress: Huh, set some goals on accident. Sweet. Thanks, weed.

THESE are the fuckin' days that I live for. Every now and again I'm able to get a buzz off my Subutex, and today is one of those days. It's feels like someone took a rainbow defibrillator to my grey mind. The warmth is nice, and there's just enough electricity to really drive home the slight euphoria. I've never been a person who likes the really big, flashy sorts of high. Things like acid and molly are too distant for me. I'm not looking to completely alter and change my perception. I just want to be happy while in this reality. That's why opiates have always been such a treat for me. Sure, if I do enough opiates, then I will nod out, but for the most part, they leave my motor skills / thinking process intact. All they do is give me the biggest rush in my life, making all other forms of pleasure pale in comparison, allowing me to constantly be rid with euphoria while around others, that's all. I would try to figure some things out, but delving into darkness doesn't seem too fun when you're on cloud 9. Too bad I can't get here on my own. Oh well. Progress: WHO CARES? I'M HIGH!

Woke up this morning in a fog. Probably because I stood up until 10am or so then awoke at 3:30pm. I didn't really mind, because I have the day off and don't really plan on doing anything considered a responsibility today. I've called a few different friends to try to have them over, but it's been a long game of phone tag. Hopefully, someone does come over. I love company. Let me rephrase that - I hate being alone. I despise being alone so much that I lived with a bland whore for almost a year, was with her for more than two and ultimately got engaged. She then stabbed me in the back, yet I hated being alone so much that I stayed with her for a short time after that. I think that there were times where she wasn't trying to dismantle me, but that's what happened. I was left to clean up the pieces of my mind (and her shit, there were flies everywhere because she claimed to be too weak to lift the garbage bags - I was gone for 2 weeks trying to avoid shit like this and of course, came back to a heaping dose of it) and I'm pretty sure I didn't put something back quite right. I've always been damaged in one way or another; everyone is I suppose. After all this though, I'm broken. Maybe I'm just not a good enough human being for someone to spend that much time with me. Honestly, maybe I'm just not cut out for romance. That'd be pretty convenient, actually. Then I could focus on my one true love. brb, gotta take my Subutex. Progress: N/A