i have actually gone over my finances for the first time in forever, had the headspace to start writing again, yesterday i did some of my dishes, put fresh sheets on my bed, took a shower, coconut oiled up my hair, did a face mask... i can’t believe it took me so long to realise i was doing the wrong thing now that ive finally decided that i want to do smth else i can BREATHE again my shoulders are less tense i get out of bed when i wake up instead of moping around and napping for hours.... i just went outside for a walk grabbed a coffee sat in the sun, i feel soooo much better, i feel capable again, i have the headspace to sit down and read a book GOD i missed this. i am so so lucky to have the friends i have because they support me and this decision unconditionally in the most lovely way, they’ve helped me so much during this process, my sister and that whole side of my family have been absolute angels, i can’t believe i’ve been so narrow minded, set on this idea of becoming something that just isn’t me. i completely forgot who i was these past two and a half years, i lost so much energy, creativity and inspiration, i get sad for myself looking back. of course part of this has to do with my mental health and of course i will take these struggles with me always, but i finally realised that the lack of motivation i’ve felt had a lot to do with the subject, and how it just wasn’t right for me. it didn’t challenge and build me up, it completely crushed me and my sense of self, i have been rotting away incapable of doing the most basic things for myself, and i knew something had to change and now i know it wasn’t me, it wasn’t just my brain being too dumb for this, science is just not where my strengths lie, and i know that i’ll have to continue to work on my executive dysfunction, but being a med student made me not want to even try, and that’s how i know i have to go with my gut, go pursue things i am actually talented in, and cut myself some slack. i felt like typing this out now that my decision has been made, and if anyone can relate or wants to chat my inbox is always open. click that like if u read through all this lmao thanks!!