#unction without you.

When a horror movie said 'based on a true story,' I took it as a direct threat to my personal safety—like the killer or monster had specifically decided I was next on their list. It didn’t matter if the story happened halfway across the world or a hundred years ago. In my mind, that monster was alive, well, and on their way to my house with GPS-level accuracy. The moment those words appeared on screen, I wasn’t just watching a movie—I was participating in a live drill for survival.

There was precious little daylight left before nightfall, so I barricaded my room with every piece of furniture I could move and checked every corner, closet, and shadow for signs of my impending doom. The dog barked? Clearly, the killer had already made it to the front yard. A creaky floorboard? Oh, that was just the ghost looking for me. I couldn’t even use a blanket for protection—it felt like an invitation, like I was saying, "Hey monster, I really want to meet you, here’s my location; attack me first."

Worst of all, those movies never ended in a way that gave me comfort. The monster was never fully defeated; the killer always escaped or came back to life. So, naturally, I assumed they’d take the next logical step and relocate… straight to my house. Forget logic or geography—if I was scared enough, "based on a true story" meant the villain could teleport directly under my bed. And knowing my luck, it will hold me accountable for watching the film.

✅ 1. He “Encourages” You to Have Male Friends

He’s totally cool with you grabbing drinks with your hot gym trainer, or some lame male "friend" you went to school with. In fact, he suggests it.

✅ 2. He Posts About Your Ex on Reddit

Thread title: “How do I cope with my girlfriend’s Chad-filled past while being the best friend I can be? and "Why does my girlfriend always call an ex's name in bed?”

✅ 3. He’s Always the Photographer, Never in the Picture

You look like a model in every shot; he looks like a guy hired to hold your purse.

✅ 4. He Calls It “Empowering” When You Flirt in Front of Him

Watching you giggle with the bartender is his idea of feminism.

✅ 5. He Asks if You’re Emotionally Fulfilled

It’s never, “Am I blowing your mind in bed?”—it’s, “Are your inner feelings validated, my queen?”

✅ 6. His Hero is a Rom-Com Boyfriend

He’s taking emotional cues from Ryan Gosling’s character in The Notebook. And yes, he cries when he watches it.

✅ 7. He Says, “You’re Free to Do Whatever You Want”

But he does pout silently when you text other guys back during dinner.

✅ 8. He Refers to His Tears as “Healing”

He stubbed his toe and now he’s processing his inner child’s wounds—out loud.

✅ 9. He’s Weirdly Obsessed with Your Shoes

Not because they’re sexy—because he wants to know if they come in his size.

✅ 10. He Invites Other Guys to Hang Out With You

His reasoning? “The best relationships are built on trust.” Yeah, okay, buddy.

✅ 11. He Believes His Job is to “Make You Happy”

It’s not a partnership; he’s an emotional butler catering to your every mood swing, illogical argument, and prattle.

✅ 12. He Uses the Word “Cuck” Without Irony

During therapy. As he unpacks his “interest” in watching other dudes around you.

🔥 Brutal Bonus: Pegging is His Fantasy, Not Yours

He brings it up every week. He’s read forums. He has… a wishlist. Don't cry, you picked him. You did it to yourself.