I really need guidance for this. I feel so unstable lately.
They seem have no difficulties to separate their quality time with family, with themselves and other people. They seems so unbothered.
But for me, it's always been them in my head. Every seconds. I keep waiting. I keep thinking. I keep feeling. I keep falling in every aspect, I always remembered. Falling asleep and waking up with them on my mind.
What makes me sad is that I am not even sure they thought of me like I did. I keep losing time to even do something I used to love. I keep losing interest on something I used to obsessed with. I don't even remember how to spend my time alone. I just keep waiting for my screen giving notifications from them.
It almost like fever dream, all ragged and soft in around, but at the same time it really sharp and shredding me over. It's all feel massive and overwhelming, but the force like thousand tiny sand dust filling my brain. I can't even think straight. I keep slipping into spiraling pit that is so sad and cold.
I don't even know if this is really what it felt when people in love feels like.
And that thoughts drag me in a place I never want to visit ever again. I feel so scared and so fragile. I feel weak. Even I afraid of people's kindness, I afraid if I keep being like this, they will finally had enough and running out of patience.
It dragged me to a state when I really need someone to be close to me. I'm afraid If I closed my doors, i cannot sense people's presence, my family's presence. I'm afraid if I turn off my bedroom light, it will be the thoughts and sadness that blanketing me.
I keep chasing that warmth. I keep chasing my family's support and I keep chasing those comfort. Keep remembering those list of why i should be greatful to.
And I can't even bring this up to anyone. Even to them. No matter how much detail i wrote it down, it probably will ended up like those long paragraphs that they wasn't even bother to read. Those paragraphs that I pour all my heart down, when I feel most vulnerable. Those paragraphs I really hope they forgot to read, but also hoping they finally bring it up and comfort me that everything will be okay. Those paragraphs I really want to unsend it but it was too late.
I just feel so incredibly sad and hurt. And i don't even know why I keep feeling like this.
But I don't want them to feel any of this, the least I want is being a burden for them. Let me be the one who feel this.
