#uhora

    As Len rested his head on Jim's chest, still listening to the constant thrum of his heart, the padd he had abandoned on the bedside table chimed at him. Slowly he lifted his head off of Jim and grabbed the padd.

    The next log on the screen was flashing, waiting for Len to play it. This time it was one of Jim's.

    He found himself slightly hesitant this time. He wanted to know what had happened, to hear the rest of Jim's logs, and Spock had insisted that there was a reason, something at the end that would make everything fall into place and finally make sense. But it still broke his heart straight to the core that the only way he could hear Jim's voice right now was through his logs. He wanted to hear Jim's real voice, speaking to him face to face, but Jim was still showing no signs of waking up.

    With a heavy sigh he forced himself to open the next log, sitting back with the padd in one hand and Jim's hand in the other as it started to play.

    “Hey, Bones,” Len closed his eyes at the sound. By this point Jim had been on the planet for at least twenty days now, alone and walking across the empty desert. Len had lost track of the exact date in the logs since Jim had stopped adding stardates to his entries. But what really got Len at this point was the change in Jim's voice. Surely he was malnourished, dehydrated, and in pain from his injuries, but there was almost a distance in Jim's voice now. Almost as if he was starting to lose himself to the planet, to the empty desert, to the loneliness. Delirium was what Len would diagnose, at least the early onset of it. He shook his head trying to push the thought of Jim going crazy alone in the desert out of his mind as it played on, “I was thinking about you today, about how worried you must be by now, and probably scared and I'm sorry for that, Bones. But there was one time you really scared the hell out of me. You were missing and I was running my ass all over campus looking for you, but also… something happened that day and I… I don’t know if you remember, you were pretty drunk that night. But if I do die here, Bones, I want you to know what happened, and that I don’t necessarily regret it, but I wish it had happened under different circumstances. But, do you remember that time I had to peel your ass out of the bar… you probably don’t but I wish you did. You were so drunk you probably don’t even know what happened, you might not even remember getting from the bar back to our room. But, Bones, what happened when we got home… I wish I could have told you, but I was afraid. You were drunk and I wasn’t sure if your reaction was true or if it was because of the alcohol, and if it was I didn’t want to ruin us, I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. But I wish I could have told you how bad I wanted it to be true, Bones, when I had the chance, but I guess if you ever find this comm… now you'll know…”

~~~~~~~~~~~

    To say that Jim was worried was the understatement of the year. He was horrified, scared as hell, and on the verge of panic attack number four of the day. He had woke up that morning to find Len gone from their room. His side of the bed was empty and cold, proving he had been gone for a while before Jim woke up, with no note or explanation as to why he had left.

    Normally, Jim wouldn’t have been so worried, but it was a rare day. They both had a Wednesday off, the entire day. No classes, no work, just the entire day for themselves, and they had planned out the whole day together. Sleep in, get a late brunch together at the diner in town they both loved, Len had wanted a walk on the beach in the afternoon, a movie after dinner, and Jim had asked if they could lay in the grass at the park that night and watch the stars together.

    It was a whole day of just being together, they had both been so excited for the day to come, and now Len was nowhere to be found. It was around eight in the morning when Jim woke up to find him gone, and it was now nearing ten at night. Jim had been from one side of campus to the other, he had asked everyone he could possibly think of that might know of Len’s whereabouts but no one seemed to have any information. He was about to call in a missing persons report when his phone vibrated in his pocket, and he quickly pulled it out to see if it was Len finally returning the fifty voicemails and countless texts he had sent him.

    “Bones?!” he had answered the phone so fast he hadn’t even looked at the caller ID.

    “Jim,” Jim deflated at the voice on the line, it wasn’t Len's, “hey, it’s Anthony.”

    “Hey, man, look,” he sighed, starting up at a run again through campus, “I’d love to talk but now’s not really a good time, I-”

    “That’s why I'm calling,” Jim slowed down just slightly to listen better, “heard you were looking for McCoy?”

    “I am.”

    “I’ve got him here,” Jim released a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding, “unfortunately I didn’t see him on time before he managed to pump himself full of almost two full bottles of bourbon, so he's practically hanging off my bar, but he's here and I’ll keep him here until you can come get him if you want.”

    “Yeah!” Jim started up again at a full run, “Make sure he doesn’t move, I'm on my way!”

~~~~~~~~~~

    About fifteen minutes later Jim burst through the doors to the bar. It was quiet tonight, exams were in this week so most students were at home studying, save for the few who were just here for a good time. Looking around he instantly spotted Len at the bar, hanging off of it and looking an absolute mess just as Anthony had said.

    A glance to the side had Jim looking at the large bar owner, standing in front of Len on the other side of the bar. Jim wasn’t all too happy that Len was very obviously drunk off his ass, but the pure flow of relief that coursed through him when he finally laid eyes on Len was the best feeling he had ever felt in his life.

    When Jim reached the bar, Anthony nodded at him before saying, “Sorry, Jim. I tried to get him to down some water but he won’t have it.”

    Jim looked down to Len as he just groaned, then back up to Anthony, “I don’t know which one of my employees allowed him to consume this much alcohol, but believe me when I find them, and I will, they’ll be lucky if I don’t hang their ass by the flagpole in the middle of campus. I'm sorry, man.”

    “It’s not your fault,” Jim gave the man a small smile, “I'm just glad he's somewhat alright, or in my sights at least. Thanks for keeping him here.”

    “No problem,” Anthony held a hand across the bar for Jim to shake, then gave a nod and said, “I’ll give you two some space,” and walked away.

    When Anthony was at the other end of the bar, Jim took up the stool next to Len and sat down with a hand on his back. “Bones, what's going on?”

    Len just groaned, his head still buried in his arms on the bar.

    “Can’t help you if you don’t talk to me, and you know I'm not gunna stop nagging you until you do,” he gave a slight smirk when Len squirmed beside him, “so you can take your pick, easy way or the hard way.”

    Slowly, Len forced himself to sit up straight, well, as straight as he could for as drunk as he was. He turned a scrunched face on Jim, more then likely fighting a raging headache.

    Jim grabbed the glass of water that Anthony had tried to give him earlier and forced it into Len's hand, “Drink the whole thing, Bones.”

    He did, all in one go, and when he was finished Jim motioned to Anthony for another, forcing that one into his hand as well. “Alright, now tell me what's going on.”

    Len took a moment and ran a hand down his face, then reached a hand inside his jacket and handed Jim a folded up envelope. Jim took it, watching Len with worried eyes as he did, and pulled the papers out taking a minute to read them before responding with a deflated sigh, “I'm sorry, Bones.”

    “I don’t know what her problem is,” he choked out, “it’s not like I was a bad father.”

    “I'm sure you weren’t.”

    “I worked extra hours so that we had extra money, so we could give Joanna everything she needed and would ever need,” he shook his head, staring straight ahead as he continued his venting, “and yeah, I know… I know I wasn’t home all the time, but I tried, Jim. I really did. I even tried to make it work with Jocelyn. We both knew long before Joanna came along that we should never have been together, but I tried to make it work for the baby, and she threw everything away, not me. She ruined my life.”

    Jim winced at those words, looking away for a moment then turning back. “You can’t think about it that way, Bones. I know things went south for a while after she kicked you out but you got your life back on track. You’ve got a great career ahead of you with Starfleet, you're the head of the medbay at the academy, a few years away from graduating and then you and me will be in space, together, exploring and discovering new things! You have a great life ahead of you, Bones, you can’t look back at the past and let it run your life anymore.”

    “Jim, I'm a mess,” he stated firmly, “an absolute, goddamn mess, who obviously can’t keep a handle on it for very long. Says so right in the papers you're holding.”

    Jim lifted the papers in front of him and waved them furiously before throwing them on the counter, “These papers are a load of crap, Bones, send them back!”

    “I can’t,” he pushed the papers away from him as if they were some kind of plague, “Jocelyn wants to finalize the custody arrangement, that meaning I never get to see Joanna again.”

    “Fight it!” Jim leaned in towards Len, “She can’t keep you from your own flesh and blood.”

    “I’ve tried,” he replied, sounding more defeated then Jim had ever heard him sound, even at his lowest, “and apparently she can. Because of my track record when she kicked me out, before I got into the academy and straightened out, she's been granted full custody of Joanna. And with the best lawyers this side of the planet, I have no choice.”

    Jim sighed with a shake of his head, “I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.”

    “Yeah well, guess I had it coming,” he shrugged, “I was obviously a terrible husband, a crappy father, and shit at everything else. I'm only good for screwing things up.”

    “Bull!” Jim slammed a fist on the counter making Len turn to look him dead in the eyes, “I would bet my life that you would be the best husband in the world, a fantastic father… an excellent lover. It’s not your fault that this time it was with the wrong person.” Jim hesitantly lifted a hand to Len's face, stroking his thumb across his cheek, and he was sure he heard Len's breath hitch as he did, “Jocelyn doesn’t know what she let go.”

    The two of them just stared at each other for a moment, Jim continuing to caress his cheek, and Len not knowing what to do or say. Before the moment could get much more heated, Len turned his attention to the papers on the counter, holding them in his hand.

    “I sign these papers, Jim…” he closed his eyes, “I’ve got nothing left.”

    Jim nodded, turning away from Len to stare down at the counter and whispered, “You’ve got me.”

    Len whipped his head around to Jim, the sodden expression on his face pulling at every heart string he had, “Jim, I didn’t meant it like that, I just-”

    Jim lifted his head and turned to Len with a smile, “I know. I just wanted to make sure you knew you weren’t alone, and you never will be again, not as long as I'm around. I promise.”

    Those words hit Len like a brick wall. Even when Jocelyn had said her vows, ‘till death do us part’, he knew it was a lie. He knew she wouldn’t be around long, he knew they were never meant to be together and yet he still went through with it. But with Jim… it was different, it had always been different. Right from the start he knew Jim was here to stay, and so was he. He knew that nothing in the world, or the universe could ever tear them apart, but hearing Jim say it out loud, to promise him that when he already knew it was true, meant more to Len then he would ever be able to express in words.

    Losing all control over his body, Len leaned into Jim slowly, making sure he had enough time to back out if he wanted to. But he didn’t, in fact Len was sure Jim was leaning in too. If they both wanted this, then why had they waited so goddamn long? It could have been the alcohol talking, but despite his current drunken state, Len still knew he wanted this, he wanted Jim… always had.

    He was inches away from his face, he could feel Jim's breath on his lips, their noses touching ever so slightly. He was almost there, almost touching, almost kissing Jim.

    He rested a hand on Jim's thigh and was ready to close the gap and make the leap, when his stomach suddenly rolled and betrayed him and before he could kiss Jim, he found himself bending over and completely emptying the contents of his stomach onto Jim's shoes.

    Jim groaned throwing his head back in frustration. Not at the fact that Len had just ruined his shoes, but at the fact that it seemed every time they were that close, something happened to completely ruin the moment. Damn it, he was almost there. But maybe it was for the better, Len was obviously not at his best right now and Jim had to concentrate on taking care of him first.

    He lifted Len from where he had his head rested on Jim's knee and hooked his arm around his shoulder. As he lifted Len off the seat and began walking with him out of the bar he threw an apologetic look at Anthony, “Sorry, man.”

    He merely waved him off saying, “Don’t worry about it, we’ve had much worse. You just make sure you take care of the good doctor.”

  Jim gave him a nod in thanks and began the slow trek back across campus to their building.

    Half way there Len groaned and laid his head on Jim's shoulder as they continued to stagger across the grounds, “Can’t we just take a cab back?”

    Jim chuckled, “Nope. Consider this punishment for ruining my best pair of shoes and making me worry about you all day. And the fresh air will do you good, wake your drunk ass up a little.”

    He groaned into Jim's shoulder again as they kept walking.

    It took Jim about twice the time it would normally take to get Len home and finally plop him on the couch with a tired sigh of relief. He left him there for a moment to grab him another glass of water and some pain meds for his headache, placing both in his hands before sitting himself on the couch beside him. A quick glance at the clock told Jim it was well past two in the morning already, and he rubbed his tired eyes.

    “Jim…”

    “Yeah, Bones?” he turned towards his friend who seemed a bit better already. He was sitting up straight and his eyes seemed to finally have some life to them again.

    “I… thanks,” he blushed a little in embarrassment, “you didn’t have to do that for me.”

    “Of course I did,” he gave Len a stern look, “I told you, I will always be here for you, Bones, no matter what that means. Even if that’s dragging your ass home from the bar at two in the morning, I'm here.”

    “You shouldn’t have to be, I'm a grown ass man, I should know better.”

    “It’s not exactly your fault. If I got the same letter you got I'm sure I would have also ran to the bar to drink it dry, so I don’t blame you for losing yourself for a while,” he said softly, then turned on Len with a bit of anger in his voice, “but that being said, do not ever do that to me again, Leonard McCoy!” Len flinched at the use of his full name coming out of Jim's mouth, he had never called him anything other then Bones, “I wake up and you're gone?! No note, no message of any kind, not answering calls or texts, no one on campus knows where you are. I thought the worst, Bones! I nearly had a heart attack, and I did, just so you know, have several full blown panic attacks because I couldn’t find you. I was so worried that you were hurt or missing, who knows what could have happened. You scared the absolute hell out of me, Bones, don’t do it again!”

    Len had the decency to turn away sheepishly, “Sorry, Jim.”

    “You should be,” then he sighed and gave Len a tired smile, “but its okay. You're safe and home with me now, so just next time wake me up or leave a note. Just let me know you're okay.”

    ‘Safe and home with me’. Len let those words roll around in his mind for a while. He was safe with Jim, and home… home had always been with Jim, where ever he was that’s where Len wanted to be. Jim was his home. It took him far too damn long to figure that out, but there was nothing in his life he knew to be truer then that.

    “You know, you were right, Jim,” Jim hummed in response, too tired to do much else, “I wasn’t with the right person, and that’s why it all fell apart. But maybe… maybe the right person was always closer then I thought, right in front of me all along.”

    Jim turned tired, almost closed eyes on Len in question, “What do you mean?”

    Len watched him for a minute, his eyes going between Jim's own and his lips, and in a rushed decision he whispered, “To hell with Jocelyn,” and before Jim could give any sign of protest he did what he had wanted to do for a long time and closed the gap. He finally kissed Jim.

    It was nothing more then a firm press of lips on lips. It lasted mere seconds before Len was pulling back, searching Jim's wide eyes for something, anything, some kind of indication as to whether or not he had crossed an unwanted line. But there was nothing, Jim just remained seated beside him on the couch in… shock?

    Len reached out a hand to touch Jim's cheek, to apologize for what he had just done and maybe he could blame it on the alcohol, but before he could say anything Jim leapt forwards and took Len's mouth.

    This time the kiss wasn’t so one sided, it was more then Len had ever hoped for in his first time kissing Jim. It was intense, breathtaking, and almost hungry in the way Jim pushed against him begging for more contact. Len pushed back, giving Jim what he wanted and kept pushing until Jim was on his back on the couch with Len on top. Jim sucked Len's bottom lip into his mouth and nipped at it as he opened his legs to let Len settle between them.

    There was no tongue, but the two continued to move their lips together in perfect sync. Jim's hands held Len's face close to his, and Len's hands snuck down Jim's body to the edge of his shirt, lifting it up to touch and caress the warm skin there. At the feel of Len's hands on him, Jim bucked up into Len, grinding them together sending pleasure screaming through their bodies. Jim gasped into Len's mouth at the feeling and Len moaned in response, laying his head against Jim's. “Oh, Jim,” he moaned again when Jim bucked once more.

    They continued their heated rhythm, sucking on each others lips and Jim bucking and grinding up against Len. After one last kiss, breaking off with a smack, Len trailed his lips down to Jim's neck and began sucking there. Jim's eyes rolled back in his head as he wrapped his arms around Len's neck, weaving his fingers in Len's hair in a tight grip. Between Len sucking on the base of his neck and the friction of their now hard cocks rubbing together through their clothes, Jim was sure he wasn’t going to last much longer. One particularly hard thrust from Len had Jim nearly screaming his name as he tightened his hold on him moaning out a long, “Bones!” before Len's body fell completely against his and stopped moving.

    Jim was breathless, his chest heaving and his body shaking, but Len had suddenly stopped everything. His hands were still where they remained pushed up his shirt against his chest, his lips were rested against his neck but no longer sucking on that sweet spot, and his body seemed heavier on his then it did a second ago.

    Jim tried to push against Len but he was solid on top of him, and he managed to choke out a breathy, “Bones?” before he heard a soft snore come from the man on top of him.

    He had fallen asleep. In the heated throws of their moment, when Jim finally thought he was getting everything that he had wanted and that Len was just as eager for it as he was, he fell asleep.

    Jim plopped his head back against the arm rest of the couch with a thud, “You're kidding me…” he sighed.

    Maybe this wasn’t the right moment after all. He had been right back in the bar. Len clearly wasn’t himself right now, and he almost felt guilty about taking advantage of his drunken state. This could have ended way worse then it did.

    He took a few minutes to calm himself down and catch his breath, before mustering his strength and pushing Len up with him. The man was out cold and didn’t even flinch when Jim stood and carried him bridal across the living room and placed him gently in bed.

    He ran a quick shower and hopped in so he could take care of his… current problem, and when he was finished and cleaned off, he changed and hopped into bed beside Len as he did every night. He pulled the blankets up over them both and settled in. He wasn’t surprised when Len turned over in his sleep and wrapped an arm and a leg over Jim and pulled him into his chest. He was tucked right against Len with his head against his chest, his favourite spot to be in the whole world, and how they fell asleep most nights now. But tonight was a little different, it was a little more hopeful after what had happened on the couch.

    Len was definitely drunk, but maybe Jim could talk to him about it tomorrow, maybe he would remember something, maybe it wasn’t all an alcohol induced decision. Whatever the case, Jim decided he would cross that bridge tomorrow. Make the choice then whether or not he would talk to Len about what happened.

    With that thought pushed aside, he took one last look up at Len's sleeping face and leaned up to place a soft kiss against his lips. To Jim's surprise Len's body responded and pulled him even closer and kissed back just the slightest. When he pulled back and Len's eyes remained closed he smiled and whispered a sweet, “Good night, Bones,” and laid his head back on Len's chest and fell asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~

    The sun broke through a crack in the curtains on the window by Len's bed and hit him smack in the face. He covered his eyes with a groan, rolling over in the bed to try and hide his face from the light since he already had the world’s worst headache pounding against his skull. But when he rolled over expecting to roll into Jim's familiar warmth, he found nothing but empty space. Confused, he opened his eyes and confirmed that Jim was gone, and a quick look through the open bedroom door confirmed that he wasn’t in the suite at all.

    Len rolled onto his back with an arm over his aching eyes and thought back on the night before. He had kissed Jim, and then Jim had kissed him back. It was hands down the most passionate and breathtaking moment of Len's life and he would give anything to be back in that moment.

    He continued through the memory, of pushing Jim back, laying against his chest, roaming his hands over his skin, the kissing, the sucking, the grinding, the pleasure. Did… did Jim actually want this as much as he did, or was that some kind of heat of the moment thing? A part of him wanted to know, wanted to know if Jim really felt that way, the way he seemed to feel last night when he was grinding up into him and moaning in his ear. But did he really want to risk losing Jim only to find out that he was wrong? Maybe he should just wait and see if Jim brought it up. Maybe that was the safest option and he decided that’s how he would play it for now.

    The thought only made his headache worse, and so he rolled out of bed to grab more pain meds from the kitchen, but he didn’t have to go far. When he swung his legs over the bed to get himself up, he noticed that Jim had left him a glass of water and meds on the nightstand, but there was also a folded piece of paper leaning against the glass with “Bones” scribbled in Jim's messy writing on the front.

    He grabbed the meds and took them both in one go, then grabbed the paper and opened it.

    “Bones,

    I had to go to an early exam, but I’ll be back around eleven. I just wanted to make sure that this information got to you before you woke up and signed those ridiculous papers. After you passed out last night and I managed to get you in bed, I couldn’t sleep much so I made some calls. This is the number of an old friend of mine, we used to be neighbours in Iowa. His name is Rami Ramesky, and he's a big time family lawyer based out of L.A. I told him your situation last night and he said he would be more then willing to help you out.

    He had mentioned that since we would be going into space in a few short years, it wouldn’t make much sense to completely refute the custody arrangement, since its not like you can have weekends and certain holidays with Joanna while we are light years away, but he did come up with a plan. He wants to suggest that an open line of communication is always available between you and Joanna, anytime, and upon docking for shore leave you would have full access to unsupervised visits with Joanna including any holidays we are docked for, since Jocelyn would have Joanna for the entire time we are in space.

    I know I may have overstepped a bit but… please call him, Bones. I don’t want to see you kept away from your daughter because of your ex-wife’s unreasonable demands, and I know Rami can help you win this. He's a great lawyer, Bones, I looked him up. He's won ninety percent of all of his cases, and I wouldn’t be recommending him to you if I thought he would only disappoint you.

Please call him, Bones.

Love, Jim”

    Bones couldn’t help but smile as he read over the note once more. The fact that Jim had gone out of his way to make sure Len had a second chance at his daughter was beyond anything anyone had ever done for Len in his life, and only solidified his love for Jim that much more. And of course Jim hadn’t overstepped, he never could in Len's eyes, and he was glad he had Jim by his side no matter what.

    With a new found determination and a slight swelling in his heart, Len crossed the room and went directly for the computer and called the number at the bottom of the page.

~~~~~~~~~~~

    “After that night I was too afraid to bring it up.” Jim's voice came choked through the padd, and Len could feel tears welling in his eyes, stinging, “Now that I'm here, I wish I had though. I was never really sure if what happened that night between us was because you were drunk, or if it was something you actually wanted. But you should know, I wanted it, Bones, so bad.”

    Len closed his eyes trying to will the tears away as Jim went on, “And I figured that since you never brought it up after that night, you didn’t remember. So I thought it was because you were drunk after all, and that you never really felt that way about me, so I let it go. Figured if I could still have you as a friend it was better then losing you to a misunderstanding. But you should know, that was the best moment of my life. And looking back now I think maybe we did both hold some feelings for each other, and I wish that we hadn’t wasted all this time dancing around our fears. So, Bones, if I don’t make it back just know, from day one it was always you…”

    By the time the log ended Len was fighting with all his might to hold back the sobs he could feel stuck in his throat. He took a moment before he spoke, not quite trusting his voice, then with a shaky breath he looked to Jim, “Oh kid, I definitely remember that night with you, and hell if we aren’t both the biggest idiots in the whole damn universe,” he closed his eyes and shook his head, “of course I felt the same way about you, but like you, I was never sure if you felt that way about me. And you're right, looking back now, we were fools not to say anything and I regret not telling you that I remembered every second of that night.”

     He ran his thumb across Jim's fingers before continuing, “I wish I would have told you, but I was so afraid I would lose you, just like you were afraid to lose me, Jim-” he had to turn away for a moment to compose himself before turning back, “damn it, Jim, all the time we’ve wasted, we could have been together like we should have been, then maybe this wouldn’t have happened.”

    The wait was killing Len. Going through these logs and hearing Jim's confessions while he was still lying in bed in a coma, where Len could talk but Jim couldn’t hear him. He wanted Jim to wake up so he could tell him everything he should have said years and years ago. Len squeezed his hand and took a shuttering breath, “Everything good in my life has happened because of you, Jim. I stayed in Starfleet because of you, graduated because of you, I am where I am today because of you, and Joanna,” he lifted a hand up to wipe the tear sliding down his cheek, “because of you I was able to keep in contact with my daughter. That lawyer you recommended did exactly what you said he would and I was able to have open communication with her up here, and you sat beside me during every single hearing until we won the case. Without you, Jim, I would have just signed those papers, so you see how bad I need you, kid?”

    Len leaned back in his chair, pulling Jim's hand into his lap, “Maybe when we get back, and I take you to Georgia, we’ll pick up Joanna. And the three of us can spend some time together, you can finally meet her. I’ve told her all about you, she always asks about you, but I think its time you two met.” Len nodded to himself, “When we get to Georgia, Jim, when we get home, I… I want us to be a family. You, me, Joanna, the three of us. Now I just need you to wake up so I can tell you all this, so we can actually do that, so please Jim… just wake up.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 10

    Over the last few weeks Jim had found himself happier then he could ever remember being. He was still on a high from his time in Georgia with Len, and since returning to the academy the two of them had never been closer.

    His last class of the day had ended and he was racing to get home, home to Bones. He was practically running through the campus, excitement coursing through his body and urging him forwards because tonight he didn’t have to work, and neither did Len. It was rare when the two of them actually synced up with their schedules and both had time off together, but when they did they always made sure to make the most of it, even before Georgia. Jim knew this meant pizza ordered in, beer, and a movie night in their pj’s. thi was the usual routine for their nights off together, but since coming back from vacation they had started to add cuddling on the couch to their movie nights in.

    It would always go the same way. Pizza would be devoured and at least two beers each by the time the first half hour of the movie had passed, and right around the middle of the movie would hit, Len would reach out his arm for Jim to snuggle right up into his side. And sometimes, if Jim was brave enough, he would be able to get Len to lay on his back so Jim could sneak between his legs and lay on his chest with his head tucked under Len's chin. Movie night with Len was always Jim's favourite time, but with the recent cuddling addition it was more then he could express in words.

    Finally having made it across campus and into their building, he skipped waiting for the elevator and ran straight up the stairs three at a time. he was so excited he nearly took the door off its hinges when he burst inside, a smile wide on his face as he shouted out, “Bonesy, I'm home!” through their small academy suite.

    He toed off his shoes and dumped his bag at the door, looking around the living room and kitchen when he didn’t get an answer. He walked through the dorm looking from one side to the other but it seemed empty, though he knew Len was supposed to be home. He had no more classes for the week and was off for the next two days from the academy medbay. Jim had been looking forward to this night for two weeks since they got their work schedules.

    With only one other place he could be he headed towards their bedroom. He was just about to open the door when he heard shuffling followed by a loud crash on the other side and hurried in.

    “Bones?!” Len was practically running around the room, opening closets and dresser drawers, shoving piles of clothes into the duffel bags on his bed, completely tearing the place apart as Jim looked on in horror. “Bones, what the hell’s going on?!”

    When Len didn’t stop moving Jim jumped the bed between them and grabbed his shoulders before he could turn away again. When Jim took his face in his hands and brought it up to his he could see Len was crying. Tears still welling in his eyes and falling down his already stained cheeks. Jim's heart sunk into his stomach at the sight.

    “Bones, tell me what's wrong.” He tried to keep his voice steady.

    “It’s… it’s Gran, Jim,” he sucked in a shaking breath, “I got a call from a nurse at the hospital in Georgia. She was taken in an hour ago and they don’t think she's-”

    Len couldn’t finish his sentence but Jim knew what he meant. He pulled Len in and let him cry into his shoulder while he clutched the back of Jim’s shirt, and Jim ran his fingers through Len's hair at the nape of his neck, “We were just there, Bones, not three weeks ago. What happened?”

    He shook his head against Jim's neck, “I don’t know. The nurse said a friend who checks on her every morning stopped by and found her passed out in the living room. No one knows why yet, they were still doing tests and scans.”

    Jim nodded and after a minute lightly pushed Len back, “We gotta go then.”

    “You’ll come with me?”

    Jim took his face again and used his thumbs to wipe away the falling tears, bringing their foreheads together and whispered, “Of course, Bones.”

    “Good,” he reached around Jim to grab the two duffels on his bed, handing one to him, “cuz I already packed your bag.”

    Jim turned away for a moment, crossing to his side of the room to grab his passport and jacket from the dresser beside his bed.  He threw the duffle over his shoulder and took Len's arm guiding him towards the door, “I’ll call the shuttle port and get us some tickets on the way there.”

    “Thanks, Jim.”

    Hand in hand the two ran through the campus towards the bus terminals, both of them sending silent prayers to Gran.

~~~~~~~~~~~

    When the shuttle arrived in Georgia they went straight to the hospital, not even bothering to stop by the house first. The grabbed a ride to the hospital from the port and where there in less then ten minutes. They didn’t even bother to wait for the elevators and ran up the stairs four at a time until they reached the third floor.

    Neither one of them stopped at the information desk, and neither one of them stopped when a nurse spotted them and came running out of the nurse’s station in the intensive care unit.

    “Mr. McCoy!” she shouted as she ran after them, no one stopping as Len searched every room for his Gran, “Leonard, wait!”

    Finally he came to a room with the name plate “McCoy” and was about to enter when a doctor came walking out and stopped right in front of him, Jim behind him, and the nurse behind Jim.

    “Doctor Hannover, how's my Gran?!”

    The doctor looked from Len to the nurse behind them and she softly shook her head. The doctor sighed, turning his gaze back to Len, a sympathetic look that Jim understood right away.

    “Leonard,” Doctor Hannover began and Jim reached forwards to grab Len's arm as he continued, “your grandmother suffered another stroke, this time it was unfortunately too much for her body to handle. We tried our best, Leonard, I'm sorry for your loss.”

    Len's entire world seemed to go cold, white… weightless. He could feel Jim's hand on his arm, he could hear his Gran’s nurse, Karen, speaking in the background, but he couldn’t make out what she was saying. Doctor Hannover was trying to pull him back to reality, Jim was running his other hand across his back, and Karen was trying to pass out tissues, and it was far too much for Leonard to handle. Without a second thought to anyone else, he dropped his bag at his feet, turned, and ran out of the ICU.

    Jim turned with him and watched him go out a side door and to a rooftop garden, disappearing into the tall bushes. “I’ll go after him,” Karen began in a soft voice, but Jim cut her off. Dropping his bag beside Len's in the hall and sprinting after Leonard.

    He ran out the same door and followed the path he had seen Len take, eventually finding him sitting on the ground, curled in on himself with his hands in his hair. He slowly walked to stand behind him whispering, “Bones,” and gaining no response. Jim knelt down and tucked his hands under Len's arms and lifted him from the ground. His eyes were red and full of tears again, and as soon as he turned and saw Jim's face he launched himself into Jim's arms and sobbed.

    The two of them stood on the roof together, neither of them knew for how long, and cried before eventually Jim pulled back just enough to see Len's face and touch their foreheads together to whisper, “You’ve gotta go back inside, Bones, you need to say goodbye.”

    He shook his head against Jim's, “I can’t, Jim.”

    “You have to.”

    He shook his head again, trying to desperately pull Jim even closer to himself. “I can’t… I can’t say goodbye.”

    “I’ll be right there with you, Bones,” Jim whispered, “but you have to. For Gran, you’ve got to say goodbye.”

    “Your boyfriends right, Leonard,” Karen’s soft voice came from behind them, “you need the closure.”

    Len closed his eyes against Jim's cheek as Jim rocked them back and forth, “I'm right here, Bones.”

    A few seconds passed and Len finally nodded, and without even thinking about it ran his hand down Jim's arm and entwined their fingers together as they walked back into the hospital.

    Slowly they walked into Gran’s room and Jim took it at Leonard's pace, never letting go of his hand. When Len saw his Gran lying in the bed, lifeless and unmoving, it instilled a feeling in him he had never before experienced. His entire body went almost numb, he found it hard to move, to breathe, but eventually found himself at the side of her bed. Len was a doctor, and he had lost patients before and seen his fair share of death, but when it was your own family, someone you loved deeply, it was something else entirely.

    All he could do was stand there and stare at her, he didn’t know what else to do. It was Jim who made the first move, still holding Len's hand he stepped around him and placed his free hand over Gran’s on the bed. He leaned in and placed a soft kiss to her forehead and whispered, “Bye, Gran, we’ll miss you,” and stepped back for Len.

    He shuffled forwards and sat on the edge of the bed, he took her hand in his as Jim had, and ran his thumb over her fingers. He took his time while he sat beside her, all the while thinking about how much he would miss her, and how his life would never be the same without her. And when he felt he was ready he leaned down to whisper his good byes, “I love you, Gran, thank you for everything,” he whispered against her cheek before he stood and left the room hand in hand with Jim.

~~~~~~~~~~~

    They arrived at the house around nine that night after finishing at the hospital. It was quiet and empty, and neither of them could bring themselves to speak a word as they walked through the halls. They made their way upstairs, and for the first time since the hospital, they let go of each others hands to enter separate bed rooms. Len was exhausted and so was Jim, both resigning to go straight to bed, though neither one slept at all that night.

    The next morning Jim was out of bed first. He watched as the sun rose, casting shadows over the foot of his bed and eventually shining straight through the window lighting the entire room. He hadn’t heard Len come out of his room yet, so he threw on some tracks and a loose t-shirt and walked across the hall. As he suspected Len was still in bed, eyes just as tired and red as Jim's felt.

    Jim stood beside his bed holding his hand out to Len, “Come on, Bones, we’ve got to get up. You need food and we need to get ready for the funeral this afternoon.”

    “She just died, Jim, yesterday,” he sighed, rubbing his tired eyes, “can’t we just take a minute and slow down.”

    He sat on the edge of the bed and wiggled his way over to rub against Len's side, “I know its fast but its better this way. She’ll be laid to rest beside your mom and dad, and the rest of your family, and she’ll be at peace.”

    He knew Jim was right but that didn’t make him feel any better.

    When Len didn’t say anything in response Jim stood, holding his hand out to Len again who took it this time, and let Jim lift him out of the bed. Jim went to Len's duffel and threw him some tracks and a shirt and waited for him to change. When he was finished, Jim once again held his hand out to Len, and once Len's hand was in Jim's it never left for more then a few moments before they were entwined again. Jim was by Len's side the entire time, the two never wanting to be without the other, and Jim wanting to make sure that Len had the complete support and love he needed in this time. Even if that meant just being there and holding his hand, Jim was going to do it.

    They walked down the stairs and into the kitchen and it was like walking through a fog. Three weeks ago during their time spent visiting Gran they had woke every morning to the smell of food cooking, smooth crooning music paying as Gran waltzed herself around the kitchen. The whole place was bright and so full of life, but with her absence it felt almost chilling and dull. Like a scene from an old black and white movie.

    They grabbed a quick bowl of cereal each, Len playing idly with Jim's fingers in his on the table, and ate in silence. They abandoned their dishes in the sink and made their way back up stairs to get ready, both donning their academy dress uniforms, and before they knew it found themselves heading for the funeral home in town. The day seemed to be moving all too fast for Len, but he was thankful that no matter what he had Jim there to ground him, to hold him in place with a slight squeeze of his hand when he needed it, and that included the time they spent greeting everyone who came to Gran’s funeral.

    Len and Jim both stood by the door to the small chapel in the funeral home, greeting everyone that came inside to pay their respects, and thanking them for doing so. Len had to admit that it was exhausting. Having to listen to everyone recite wonderful memories of times with his Gran, accept hugs and kisses, and try not to burst into tears every time someone uttered the words “I'm sorry for your loss”. He knew they were all sincere, he just hated that it had to be true, he hated that he had to lose his Gran all too soon.

    As the minister was getting ready and everyone was slowly finding seats, he turned to Jim. Not a word needed to be said between them for Jim to understand what he needed, and he squeezed Len's hand that still remained clutched tightly in his and Jim touched his forehead to Len's, the two closing their eyes to take a silent moment between them.

    They were about to walk in and join everyone inside when a hand came to rest gently on Len's shoulder, turning he found a familiar face, “Karen.”

    “Oh, Leonard, I'm so sorry for your loss,” she pulled him in for a quick hug before pulling back to look at him, “your grandmother was a sweet lady and everyone at the hospital loved her.”

    “Thanks, Karen, I really appreciate you being here, and I'm sure she would too,” Karen nodded as her eyes skirted over to Jim, then down to their clasped hands, “Karen, this is Jim, you guys didn’t get to properly meet yesterday.”

    She gave Len a nod as she pursed her lips, then turned to Jim with an outstretched hand and a soft smile, “Hello, Jim.”

    “Hello,” he shook her hand, “and thank you for coming.”

    “You don’t happen to be Jim Kirk?” she raised a brow at Jim then smiled when he nodded, a bit confused, “I remember your name from Len's grandmothers stories. When Leonard left for school there was suddenly a Jim Kirk in every story she would tell us during her appointments. She would tell us how you two were doing in school, the funny things Leonard would tell her about you, things you two did together, how good she knew you were for each other. It got to the point where we would all anticipate her appointments so we could get an update on you two, and I think she loved bragging about you both. And when she finally got to meet you face to face when you visited last month, she was over the moon about it.”

    Jim smiled and could feel a slight blush creeping up his neck, “It’s an honour to have been a part of her life. I only wish I had gotten to know more of her.”

    “I wish you had too, Jim,” then she looked between the boys again as the minister called for everyone to take their seats, “she loved you both very much, and I know she was very appreciative of you Jim for all that you do for Leonard. You're such a wonderful boyfriend to our sweet Leonard. I'm very glad he has you.”

    They watched her walk inside and take a seat. Neither of them denying her words and instead only shifting closer to one another as they walked inside and to the front row.

    As they sat, Jim held Len's hand, and when the minister called Len up to the front to give the eulogy for his Gran, Jim tried to let him go but was only pulled along with him. Jim stood beside him, still hand in hand while he gave his speech, even helping Len to finish it as the words on the pages became too blurry to read, and he had to turn himself into Jim's body seeking his comfort.

    Jim held his hand as they sat in the small cemetery and watched as his Gran was lowered into the ground, and held his hand as they walked to the grave, each taking a small handful of dirt and placing it inside. He held Len's hand as they watched the grave be filled in, as the friends of Len's Gran slowly started leaving the cemetery one by one, leaving them there alone. And Jim held his hand while they stood over the freshly turned ground where his Gran now lays with the rest of his family, and when Len said he was ready to leave, Jim held his hand the whole way home.

    When they arrived back at the house, they both walked silently up the stairs, finally breaking apart to head into their separate rooms to get ready for bed. When both of them had changed into just track pants, they came to their doors to say good night to the other, but found themselves just standing there staring at each other, neither exactly knowing what to say or do after the days events.

    It was Len who made the first move, holding his hand out across the hall, once again seeking Jim's. He took Len's hand without a word and allowed Len to guide him into his room and into his bed. Once the two were under the covers, Len gave Jim's hand a tug pulling him the small distance Jim had left between them. Jim moved closer and held his arms out inviting Len in, and he took the offer without hesitation, craving Jim's warmth and touch. He laid his head on Jim's chest as Jim wrapped his arms tightly around him, and tangled their legs together as Len clutched tightly to Jim's body.

    That night Len stayed tucked into Jim and cried all the tears he wanted to cry, and Jim held him close, running gentle fingers through his hair and occasionally placing soft kisses on top of his head, staying awake until Len finally fell asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~

    The next morning Len decided he couldn’t stay there much longer, he wanted to go back to the academy, back to his home with Jim. The memory of his Gran still so fresh it was too much for him to bear at the moment. Jim nodded and left the room to make arrangements for them to head back, and Len slowly dragged himself out of bed to pack the few things they had scattered around the room.

    When he finished he took both bags down stairs to the living room, leaving Jim to continue making their arrangements over his comm in the kitchen. He placed the bags on the couch and startled when a small thud sounded behind him. Confused, he crossed the living room to the pictures that were on the mantle above the fireplace. He looked at them all, remembering all the good times he had with his Gran in this house. Fishing in the creek out back, dancing on the deck, picnics in the apple orchard, riding on a lazy Sunday together through the fields, but one picture had suddenly fallen forwards and was now face down on the mantle. He picked it up and smiled when he saw what it was. It was taken during their visit last month with Gran, when they were outside at the fire lying together in the grass. Gran must have taken the picture of the two of them laughing together, looking completely content and as happy as he had ever been. It was as if Gran was still trying to meddle, still trying to tell him things even thought she was gone now.

    As he thought back on the memory, Jim called for him from the kitchen to let him know that they had tickets and a car would be arriving in five minutes to take them to the shuttle port. So he walked back to their bags on the couch, the picture still in his hands, and placed it in his bag before grabbing them and heading out the front door with Jim.

~~~~~~~~~~~

    Len looked to Jim's still resting face, eyes still closed, hand still loose in his. When Len lost his Gran, the only family he had left, he knew he wasn’t alone. He had Jim. Jim, who was right beside him the whole time, through her death, the funeral, the burial, and even after.

    Jim, who held him almost every night after they left Georgia for good. The week following her funeral was rough, and Jim would crawl into Len's bed every night and let him cry into his chest until he fell asleep. Even after the tears stopped at night, Jim would still crawl in beside Len, and after a while Jim stopped using his bed all together and would immediately get in beside Len every night. Len would even find him there when he would come home after a late shift in the medbay.

  Sharing a bed had stopped when they boarded the Enterprise since they had separate quarters, and Len would be the first to admit that since they separated sleeping had become a thing of the past. He missed Jim's warm solid body beside him at night, he missed waking up with Jim's head tucked under his chin, their arms and legs wrapped around each other.

    “You know, Jim, when Gran died you were the only thing that kept me from spiraling into the ground. Without you there to keep me going I'm sure I would have ended up right back where I was when we met on the shuttle in Riverside. Broken, drunk, lost. But you were there, every step of the way to make sure my dumb ass didn’t fall back, and i didn’t even have to ask,” he ran his thumb across Jim's knuckles as he spoke, “and another thing I'm going to be changing when you wake up… as soon as you're well enough to be discharged and can sleep in your own room again, I'm moving my stuff out of my place and straight into yours. No more sleeping alone. I know you did it back then because of Gran, but then it just became… normal. We never should have taken separate rooms. I don’t know about you, but I hated it from the start and I still do. So, whether you like it or not, Jim, I'm moving in.”

    Len sighed hard, pinching the bridge of his nose. His Gran was right all those years ago, Jim was special and meant more to Len then he could bring himself to admit back then. But if this mess had taught him anything, it was that life was too short to let things like fear get in your way of true happiness. So he vowed that when he did finally have Jim awake and back in his arms again, this time, he wasn’t letting go ever again.

    He leaned forwards, placing his head on Jim's chest, right over his heart to listen to the steady thrum. “You better come back to me soon, kid… you're all I’ve got left and you can’t leave me too.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Did that hurt anyone else as much as it hurt me?? I actually cried. So let me know what you guys think! <3<3<3 And if anyone wants to be tagged, don’t be shy :)

Chapter 4:

    The storm was raging, and had been now for almost two full days and nights. Now on day three of the torrential down pour Jim was at his wits end. Still with an injured knee, he limped around their crappy shelter as best he could while attempting to patch it up. There were holes everywhere it seemed, and he had run out of shuttle scraps to use for repairs. Water was coming into the shelter from every angle, the ground beneath them was soaked, his already suffering cadets were shivering and with injuries so bad he couldn’t risk moving them, and he was sure his worst fear was coming true.

    After last night’s winds and brutal drop in temperature, two of his young cadets had woken late that day with deep, chesty coughs. Pneumonia. And what could he do about it? Nothing, absolutely nothing, not a god damn thing and he hated himself for it. He had tried to get his cadets off the ground as best he could, tried to keep them warm and dry, but one man could not fight the endless amounts of rain this storm was throwing at them. And it seemed, from what Jim could see, there was no end in sight.

    After one last failed attempt at fixing more holes, Jim ducked into the shelter to check on his crew. They were holding on, they had been for ten days so far, but who knew how much longer that would last. The two cadets who had definitely come down with pneumonia were still coughing, struggling to breathe in the driest corner of the shelter. And of the other five, three were in and out of consciousness, and the last two were more then likely going to be fighting infections as bad as Colten’s was. 

    With nothing more he could do, he pulled himself to lean against the back wall of the shelter. He leaned his head back against the cold metal, the sound of the rain hammering on the metal scraps of their shelter drowning out his worries for the time being. He allowed sleep to take him in hopes that tomorrow would bring the familiar faces of his bridge crew, and the handsome doctor he found himself craving more and more each day. As his eyes slowly closed he thought about strong hands on his face, arms wrapping tightly around him and pulling him close, firm fingers running through his hair as a melodic chant of “Jim, Jim I'm here, it’s ok,” drawled in a sweet southern accent pushed him closer to sleep. And just before his eyes closed completely, a whispered, “Bones…” left his lips and he was finally asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~

    “Captains log, Stardate 2264.89. Last night was probably the best sleep I have had since the crash. I had hoped that perhaps today would bring better fortunes for me and my remaining crew, but unfortunately it was exactly the opposite. Some time in the night we lost two more members. Cadet Owen McDouglas had not only injuries from the crash, but possible pneumonia as well. And Cadet Obnerick Niich, I know he had some pretty bad injuries, but the actual cause of his death I am afraid I will never know. He was one of the members I thought might make it through to rescue. His injuries were not as severe as most others, yet he was gone before I woke up this morning…”

    Jim was sitting at the edge of the shelter, looking out into the haze of rain still pouring from the sky above. He was cold, fed up, angry, and soaking wet. All he wanted was to get to the ship, to beam aboard and head straight for his best friend, to Bones, to home. But he had no way of getting there, no way of getting any sort of signal to them, or communication. Getting home was looking more and more like it was never going to happen.

    “I hope that the admirals…” he stopped, shaking his head. At this point who cared what the admirals thought, he certainly didn’t. If they ever found the wreckage and his comm, Jim wasn’t making these logs for them, he was making them for Bones. Yeah, the admirals would want to know what happened to him and each individual crew member that passed in their time on the planet, but that didn’t mean they actually gave a rats ass about any of them, but Bones would. Bones would not only want to know what had happened, but would care about what happened to him. And if anyone knew that grump of a doctor it was Jim, and he knew that Bones would not give up until something was found. And if the only thing he found was this comm, then Jim was going to make sure that Bones knew he was thinking of him too. “You know what, I don’t give a damn what the admirals think. Bones… I'm sorry for this, for all of it. But I want you to know that I'm not sorry that you weren’t on this shuttle with me, things are bad down here, really bad. Most of my fourteen are either dead or… or dying, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if that was you, Bones.”

    Jim reached up with his free hand to wipe away a stray tear before continuing, “But I'm not giving up yet. I’ve still got five cadets counting on me, and I know you won’t let me go so easily. If I can count on anyone in this galaxy, it’s you, Bones. I know you'll find me…”

~~~~~~~~~~~

    “Captains log, Stardate 2264.9-” Jim paused, he felt like he couldn’t breathe let alone finish his sentence. Fourteen days in, fourteen days shipwrecked on this so far deserted planet, fourteen days of hell he wished he never had to experience. All he wanted was the ship, the crew, Bones… he wanted Bones more then he could express, and fourteen days in he was starting to seriously worry that he would never see him again.

    With as calming of a breath as he could manage, he wiped the wetness from his eyes and tried to continue, “Bones… I lost them, I lost them all. I failed every single one of these cadets, our family, I failed our family, Bones!” His voice gave way as the sobs began to take over his entire body. “Cadet M’haka, Cadet Nyara Blanir, Cadet Liam Tyler, Cadet Blake Shaw, and Cadet Dierdra Graff… the last of my crew gone. Some perished from their wreck injuries, others from pneumonia, and a few from I don’t even know what, but I know you could have saved them, Bones.”

    He looked out across the endless empty in front of him, the storm still raging on with no end in sight as he spoke again, “It’s been… fourteen days now since the crash, the storm is still going on, I'm cold, wet, hungry, home sick… alone. I have yet to see any sign of life, no species of any kind, and now with all of my fourteen crew members gone… I'm completely alone, Bones.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

    For the next three days Jim slept. There was really nothing more he could do. He had no more cadets relying on him for aid, the rain was still hammering down on the shelter, seeping through the cracks and running like a river underneath him. He was soaked through to his core and if something didn’t give soon, he was going to be this storms next victim. But four days later he woke to warmth on his skin, a small ray of sunshine came sneaking through one of the cracks in the shelter landing on his face.

    He stretched into it, let his cold skin absorb the welcome heat. Slowly he crawled out of the shelter and into the sun that was already high in the sky above him. Once outside he laid on his back, arms out wide and revelled in the humid air breathing it in deep. Finally, finally his shivering would stop, his clothes would be dry for the first time in days, and his skin could return to its normal non-wrinkled texture. The ground beneath him was already dry and back to its desert like state, but he couldn’t be happier to finally see the sand covered ground surrounding him.

    After what felt like hours of just laying in the sun, Jim sat up and faced the shelter. A pang of guilt and sorrow hit his chest hard, hindering his breathing as he thought about the fourteen bodies inside. He had to face it, there was no getting home for them. There would be no bodies to burry if he was ever found, no closure for their families, no peace for his cadets, hell, no one may ever even know what happened to any of them but what was he supposed to do about it? What could he do? With every fibre of his being he wished with everything he had that he could give them the peace and closure that they all deserved and it killed him that now he wouldn’t be able to do that, or at the very least inform their families of their bravery in the face of death.  

    Bones would know what to do, he thought as he sat up wrapping his arms tightly around his knees, Bones always knows what to do. But Bones wasn’t there, and Jim had to do something. Not only did he have his cadets to think about, but he was also now completely out of food and almost out of water. If he didn’t come up with some kind of plan he would be joining the cadets soon enough. All protocol stated to stay where you were, to never leave the original site if you were lost or wrecked, but he was starting to think that he wouldn’t have much choice soon.

    He looked around himself, seeing desert in every direction. Not a single tree or bush anywhere in between, not even a blade of grass, aside from a small mountain to his right. It was a fair distance away, and he could potentially spend a few days crossing the desert to get to it, especially on a wrecked knee. But there was the potential of finding a water source up there as well as hope that there could be something more on the other side. Maybe people, something he could eat, someone who could help. Normally he wouldn’t take the risk, but at this point he didn’t see any other option.

    He reached into his pocket and took out his comm. “Captains… captains log, Stardate 2264.96. Bones, I know it’s against protocol but I’ve decided I have to move on. The storm finally stopped this morning and I can’t stay here and wait to die. I… I'm out of food, I barely have any water tablets left, and that mountain to the right seems to be the best option. I'm hoping that at the very least I can find water and maybe some better shelter, and maybe there’s more to this planet on the other side of the mountain. If I could find some kind of food that would be great, then at least I could survive a bit longer, and if I could find people, hopefully people advanced enough to help, that would be a miracle. So far the only thing that’s on this side of the mountain is desert. But… leaving the cadets here, it feels wrong, Bones, though I can’t exactly take them with me. I’ve already let them down and now I don’t know what to do.”

    Jim moved the comm away from his mouth, staring again into the shelter at his cadets. A soft wind had started to blow through, cooling the already sweltering heat. When the wind hit the shelter his eyes darted to a piece of metal that began bouncing around, causing a loud bang to linger across the desert. The piece of metal was hanging on by a thread, it must have been dislodged some time during the storm and Jim hadn’t noticed until now. He watched it flap back and forth, continuing to crash into the metal pieces underneath it, and finally Jim had an idea.

    He forced himself up on weak legs, already shaking from lack of food, and slowly limped his way over to the broken piece of the shelter.

~~~~~~~~~~~

    Leonard placed the padd on the table beside Jim's bed, more like slammed it down. What little resolve he had left was gone, he couldn’t hold back the tears any longer and let them take over. Eighteen days and Jim was now alone, the Enterprise at this point was no where even close to finding him, and it was starting to sound like Jim was giving up on the ship and even himself.

    Jim had grieved for the cadets he lost, kids, and so did Leonard. Fourteen young and promising lives gone, but Leonard also grieved for Jim. He knew that if anything had happened to any of those kids while they were missing, Jim would blame himself. Even if there was absolutely nothing he or anyone else in his situation could have done, Jim would blame himself entirely, and now he was blaming himself for the deaths of fourteen cadets. He could hear it in his voice, they way he spoke about their loss, about letting them down, failing them. He knew that even though Jim was here, in this room with him, body warm under his touch, that a small part of him died on that planet along with those kids, and now Leonard grieved for it. If Jim woke up this would be a hard bump to get over.

    The door creaked open then, and without looking up he knew who it was. “Spock.”

  “Doctor.” He came inside and closed the door behind him. He could see that Leonard was crying, that he was holding Jim's hand and running his thumb melodically across his fingers, and that he had abandoned the padd behind him on the table. “Have you finished the logs, Doctor?”

    Leonard shook his head, gripping Jim's hand tighter in his, “I can’t Spock,” he whispered, not looking at the Vulcan, “I can’t finish them.”

    “You must,” Spock spoke not with an air of authority, but an almost plea, which Leonard had never heard in the Vulcan's voice before. “I know this is difficult for you, I listened to the Captain’s logs as well. But I assure you, all will come together in the end, Doctor. If anything, you must finish them for Jim.”

    Without so much as another word Spock silently slipped from the room. Leonard heard the soft click of the door and Spock's steady footsteps leaving the sickbay, then reached back to grab the padd. He let it sit in his lap for a while before he tapped the screen and brought up the next log. Turned out, the next ship log that fell in line with Jim's logs, was one of his.

    He looked at the stardate on the log, the same stardate as Jim's last log. Eighteen days of no Jim, of searching the stars and endless planets for him and the cadets, and coming up empty handed every time. Leonard remembered the feeling of hope that would rise in him every time Spock would take a landing party to the surface of a new planet, the anxiety he would feel for the hours or sometimes days they would spend searching the surface, and the gut wrenching heartbreak he would feel when Spock would walk into the sickbay and shake his head. Every time Leonard would find himself in the bathroom, huddled over the toilet and emptying what little was in his stomach. And it only got worse.

    With each passing day, and each Jim-less planet they searched, Leonard worried more and more that Jim was already lost. That they would never find him, or possibly find him dead. He didn’t know which was worse.

    “CMO’s log, Stardate 2264.96. It’s been eighteen days of searching every god forsaken planet we’ve come across and we haven’t found a god damn thing in this black hell hole up here. No sign of Jim or his shuttle, or the god damn idiots who attacked us in the first place. And now Jim's out there, in god knows what state, on some god damn planet, and surrounded by who knows what kind of bacteria and infectious diseases. And the damn med kit on that metal death trap he was in ain’t got nearly enough supplies for fifteen people to survive on for more then two weeks, and it’s been longer then that already! If we don’t find them soon then… damn it! We need to find him! I need the kid back more then I even knew, actually… maybe I did know, I just couldn’t say it. God, I wish I had… to hell with this! I need a drink.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Little more angst, and next is the chapter I’m pretty excited about.... the Bones centered chapter!! XD

But I also thought I’d let you guys know that I had a bit of a revelation this morning lol. While trying to update this fic for y’all I decided that I’m going to slightly alter the original path I had outlined for this. Not so much alter but rather add to. So, this fic is probably going to be a little longer then I originally anticipated, but who doesn’t love a good long Mckirk fic? lol Anyways, hope you guys enjoyed this update, hopefully more to come soon!! And as always your wonderful thoughts are always welcomed, and thanks for reading! <3

Chapter 9

    The rest of their trip to Georgia had gone so well. Jim and Len spent every waking moment together, and Gran couldn’t have been happier over the progress she was making with the two of them. If she had it her way they’d be making out behind the barn like a couple of horny teenagers before they left in three days.

    The trip was slowly coming to an end, the boys only having a few days left of their two week vacation before heading back to the hustle and bustle of school life. And at the moment Gran was walking them across the yard and towards the paddocks to introduce Jim to the horses.

    By midday Jim had met mostly all of them and was now straddling the fence to pet a jet black mare who had come over to say hello.

    “I think she likes you, Jimmy.” He smiled as he continued to run his hand down her nose as she nuzzled into him, “She's mine, her name’s Amara. I wish I could ride her again, but my old bones just can’t take it anymore, so unfortunately none of the horses really get a good riding these days.”

    “That’s sad.”

    “That it is, Jimmy my boy. The barn hands ride them occasionally, but those boys are tired after working all day,” she sighed, then perked up with a thought, “You boys have a few days left out here, why don’t you ride em’?”

    Jim turned to her with wide wild eyes and shouted, “Yes!” before jumping off the fence and running into the barn, Gran and Len following behind him.

    When they were inside the barn, Jim nearly dancing through the lane, Gran pointed to two stalls side by side at the end, “That’s Lenny's horse, Titan, powerful thing he is. And that there’s Apollo, I think you'll like him, Jimmy.” Jim walked over to stand beside Gran and leaned into Apollo’s stall, “You boys know where the tack room is, I'm sure Lenny can help you find some boots and a helmet that’ll fit ya, and I’ll send one of the barn hands out before you leave with a picnic for you boys.”

    “You’re the absolute best, Gran!” Jim turned to smack her cheek with a quick kiss before opening the stall door and walking inside to properly meet Apollo.

    While Jim was distracted by the horse for the moment, Len took his chance to saddle up beside Gran and call her out. “Gran, we are supposed to be visiting you, not constantly running off and leaving you alone in the house. And don’t think for a second that I don’t know what you're up to with Jim.”

    Gran threw him a sideways glance and a smirk as she replied sweetly, “Y’all have been in the house with me all mornin’, and look how excited Jimmy is to go for a ride. Take him out for a while and come back in a few hours, and don’t be afraid to use some of that McCoy charm I know you’ve got.”

    Len sighed, looking to Jim then back to his Gran, “Jim and I… we… I don’t know if he-”

    “Nonsense!” She gave his arm a smack, “If that boy didn’t have a lick of feelings for you he wouldn’t have followed you all the way out to Georgia! Now, use that brain in your thick skull and love that boy already. Y’all need to get over yourselves, before I'm dead.”

    “Gran!” Len turned to her with a gasp and wide eyes at the mere thought.

    “Lenny,” she took his hands in hers, “you deserve to be happy, and Jimmy makes you happy. I can see it, hell the whole town could see it at your party. And if there’s any clue as to how much that boy truly loves you it’s this right here.” she reached one hand up to loop a finger into the chain hanging around his neck, “He had this engraved with the very first moment you two met and gave it to you as a present on your birthday, you know why? Because this was the best moment of his life, the very moment he laid eyes on Leonard McCoy. This is no mere gift, my boy, this is very special to Jimmy and it’s special because of you.”

    Len looked down at the necklace hanging around his neck and smiled. “Now,” she gave his hand a pat and turned him towards Jim, “go on and help Jimmy tack up before he explodes from all the excitement.”

    Len laughed as he looked over at Jim in the stall beside Apollo. Shifting from foot to foot, waiting as patiently as he could for them to finish their secret conversation. 

    When Len walked over he took Jim's hand and lead him towards the tack room past Gran as she said, “I’ll send one of the barn hands out with the picnic before y’all leave, and I’ll have dinner ready by the time you get back. You boys have fun now.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

    It took about a half an hour for them to tack the horses and find Jim boots and a helmet that fit, but they were finally about to head out for their ride.

    Len was on the bench in the tack room, finishing up with the zipper on his last boot, and when he stood and turned he was suddenly chest to chest with Jim and a cowboy hat was plopped onto his head. He laughed and lifted the hat with one finger to peer at Jim from under it.

    Jim stood before him, hands behind his back and face scrunched in thought. “You know,” he began in a husky tone, “I never really thought cowboys were sexy… apparently I was dead wrong.” Len gave him a smirk and Jim let out a small moan, causing Len's breath to hitch in his throat.

    Without moving his eyes from Jim's he reached to the side and placed a hat on Jim's head too, leaning in to whisper, “Got that right, I'm currently staring at the sexiest one I know,” returning Jim's moan as he grabbed Len by the shirt and pulled him even closer.

    Jim moved his hands up to snake his arms around Len's neck, “Maybe we shouldn’t go riding, Bones.”

    Len let out a deep chested laugh, “I thought you were excited to ride the horses… what changed your mind?” and at the shiver that ran through Jim's entire body, he was sure he knew the answer.

    Hands suddenly found their way into Len's hair, fingers winding themselves in to pull Len even closer then he already was as Jim practically moaned in his ear, “After seeing you in that hat I think I’d rather save a horse and ride a cowboy.”

    The blush that ran up Len's neck and face was instant with Jim's words. God, how Len had wanted this for so long, but he and Jim had always joked, how was he to know if this was true? Yeah, they had gotten really close during their days here in Georgia, but what if he was reading this all wrong? What if Jim didn’t actually feel this way and it was all for a laugh? The last thing he wanted was to lose his friendship with Jim over a misunderstanding on his part. And as much as he wanted this, he didn’t want to push something that he wasn’t sure Jim wanted.

    With those thoughts invading his mind Len moved his hands from Jim's back and placed them on his hips, pushing back just a bit to separate them, “Alright, come on, before it gets too dark and I have to hear you whine about not being able to ride.”

    Len moved past Jim and walked out towards their waiting horses, and Jim was left standing in the tack room breathless and flushed, wondering what the hell just happened.

~~~~~~~~~~~

    “Left foot in the stirrup and kick off hard.” Jim did as instructed and with a little help from Len managed to land himself somewhat gracefully in the saddle. “Good job!”

    Jim watched as Len rounded his horse beside him and launched himself into the saddle like he belonged there, then he turned to Jim. “Apollo's pretty laid back so he’ll just follow Titan, you won’t have to do much or worry he's gunna take off.”

    Jim just nodded and Len urged his horse forwards, Jim’s following after.

    After an oddly long silence between them, Len turned to speak, “Awfully quite, Jim, that’s not like you. Do I need to break out the medkit?”

    Jim jerked, ripping himself from his thoughts. He had thought that Len wanted the same thing as him, especially after the way they had been with each other since landing in Georgia. He thought that Len was giving him hints and signals, but maybe he was wrong. Maybe Len just thought this was a game between them, a joke among… friends. But he didn’t want it that way, he wanted more. Maybe he wasn’t doing enough, maybe Len thought the same way as him, that Jim was the one who wanted to be just friends. Maybe he had to do more to show Len that certainly was not the case, and he’d be damned if he didn’t do just that!

    He turned to face Len, forcing a smile on his face and replied, “M’fine, Bones, promise.”

     He gave Jim a skeptical look, but decided to drop it for now and focused on their path ahead. After riding through the forest for a while Len finally dismounted then walked around to help Jim get down from Apollo, he tied their horses to a nearby tree. He grabbed the basket of food Gran had prepared them and led Jim a little deeper into the forest.

    As Jim followed behind, batting away some pretty thick brush he shouted ahead, “Where are we going, Bones?”

    “Just a little further,” he called back, before he disappeared from Jim's sight.

    “Bones?!”

    Jim pushed harder and faster trying to catch up to Len, and when he pushed through the brush where Len had disappeared he found himself in a small circular clearing in the trees. Len was already sitting on the spread out blanket and pulling out the containers of food.

    “You sitting or what?” Jim blinked down at Len and then finally joined him, taking no time at all to start digging into the fruit and pastries packed by Gran.

    Len smiled at Jim as he stuffed his face, hoping that this meant he was over whatever had hit him at the beginning of their ride, and followed suit with some strawberries.

    “So,” Jim began around a mouthful, “how did you find this?”

    “With my Ma,” Jim stopped eating and focused his eyes on Len, “we used to ride a lot when I was younger. We would come out here and have picnics all the time together, just the two of us while my Pa was at work. We found this little clearing by accident one day, stumbled onto it while we were playing hide and seek to give the horses a break, and after that we came here almost everyday.”

    “That’s a nice memory, Bones.”

    “It is,” he nodded, “and when she died this sort of became my safe haven. I’d come out here on my own despite Gran yelling at me to stop running off. But it was the only place after her death that I felt really close to her.”

    “I'm sorry,” Jim reached over and placed a hand on Len's knee, “we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

    Len covered Jim's hand with his own looking down, “I just wish they hadn’t died that night, I wish that man hadn’t been drinking and driving and hit my parents car.”

    “I wish that too,” Jim whispered, “but at least you had Gran.”

    “Yeah,” Len smiled finally locking eyes with Jim, “still do. I don’t know what I would do without her.”

    Now that Len was smiling again Jim gave his hand a squeeze and then returned to picking at the food. “She’s a great lady, you're lucky to have her as a Gran. I wish I would have met her sooner.”

    “I should have brought you out here a long time ago,” Len nodded as he popped in another strawberry, “I knew you would love it here, I knew you’d love Gran, and I shouldn’t have stayed away for so long.”

    “Well, I'm glad were here now, and,” Jim raised his watermelon in a toast and Len touched his strawberry to it as Jim continued, “I can’t wait to come back after next semester exams!”

~~~~~~~~~~~

    Two days later and their trip had finally come to an end. It was their last day in Georgia and the two had spent it making sure that Gran had everything she needed before they left early the next morning. They made a trip into town to stock Gran's kitchen, helped her with a few last minute chores around the house, took her out for a nice dinner at the fanciest restaurant in town, and now they were spending their last night of freedom relaxing.

    Jim had popped on an old movie, some sappy romance that Len had tried to talk him out of in place of one about cars, but Jim had insisted and put it on. They were about halfway through the movie, Len was sitting on the couch and Jim was lying on the floor below him using Len's feet as a pillow, when Gran stood up from her chair beside them.

    She gave an over exaggerated yawn before turning to them, “I think I'm going to turn in early tonight boys.”

    Both boys immediately snapped their heads towards her, movie forgotten, “Are you alright, Gran? You don’t normally turn in this early.”

    “I'm fine, Lenny,” she insisted with a wave of her hand, “but you boys are leaving early tomorrow and I want to be up to see you off.”

    Len didn’t look at all convinced so Jim stepped in, “You sure Gran? You know if you need anything you can tell us, right?”

    She smiled and pat the top of Jim's head, “Of course I do. But nothing to worry about, my boys, just a tired old lady. Good night you two.”

    The boys responded in kind and slowly turned their attention back to the movie as Gran made her way towards the stairs. When she reached the bottom step she turned back to them with a smirk on her face the devil would be proud of, and innocently suggested, “You know, it’s a fine night out boys. Why not go out for your last night and enjoy the Georgia night? Stars are out tonight and it’s a full moon.”

    Len's head turned to her so quickly he was sure he had whip lash. She was never sick or even tired, this was all a ploy!

    Before he could say anything Jim sat up from his place at Len's feet, “That actually sounds really nice, Bones, and we don’t get many opportunities like that back at the academy.”

    When he finished, Jim turned slightly and laid his chin on Len's knees as he hugged his legs, giving Len his best puppy dog eyes. And of course it worked, “Where do you wanna go, kid?”

    “I dunno,” Jim laughed as Len bounced his feet jostling Jim around as he did, “you’ve lived here most of your life, you tell me. Where's the best place to go on a nice night under a full moon?”

    Gran saw her chance there and snuck back into the living room to plant one more idea. “Lenny, why not take Jimmy back to the pond?” he looked back to Gran completely shocked. His mouth opened and closed a few times but nothing came out. This had to be her best scheme yet during their visit, she certainly had a way with meddling and there was no doubt in his mind exactly where her thoughts were headed. “It’s a nice quite place to talk, no one else around for miles… you can be as loud as you want.”

    When she finished she sent a wink Len's way and his jaw instantly hit the floor. His sweet little innocent Gran… apparently not.

    Jim was up and moving in an instant, thankfully not catching the silent exchange between Len and Gran and shouting, “That sound great! Let’s go, Bones!”

    And before Len could manage to get words out of his mouth Jim was bouncing up the stairs beside Gran to grab his shoes. In a flash Jim was running back down the stairs, Len's shoes being thrown at him as Jim turned into the kitchen yelling at him to hurry up, before running out the back door. All Len could think as he quickly pulled on his shoes was curse Gran and her meddlesome ways… but hopefully also thank her too.

    It wasn’t long before Len was strolling out the back door and down the porch steps, but Jim was already halfway across the yard. He couldn’t help but laugh as he called out, “Kid, wait for me! You don’t even know where the pond is.”

    “Hurry it up then, old man!” Jim turned back and waved him forwards, “I wanna get there before we have to leave tomorrow.”

    Len just shook his head with a smile on his face and ran to catch up to Jim, swooping down to take his hand and lead him the rest of the way.

    After they crossed the yard, past all the paddocks, and walked for a few minutes through the trees they finally came to the pond. It was beautiful. The small clearing held a shimmering pool of water under the glow of the silver moon directly overhead, surrounded completely by trees and brush, a perfect little hidden paradise. At the sight of it Jim wished they never had to leave.

    Len let Jim's hand go and walked to the edge of the pond. He toed off his shoes and sat at the edge with his legs in the water, and Jim sat beside him doing the same.

    A comfortable silence washed over them as Jim laid his head on Len's shoulder, and they stayed like that for a long time before Jim asked, “How deep is it?”

    “Mid torso,” he sighed, completely comfortable like this, “used to swim here with Gran as a kid.”

    Jim nodded, then stood jostling Len out of his dazed state. When Len turned his head around Jim was stripping down to his boxers.

    “What are you doing?” he quirked a brow.

    Jim shrugged as he tossed his shorts to the side, “It’s a nice night, Bones, lets swim.”

    “No thanks!” he shook his head, turning back to the pond.

    “Oh, come on,” Jim gave him a nudge, “just jump in with me.” Len just shook his head refusing to look back at Jim, “It’s just the two of us out here, and I’ve seen you in your boxers before if that’s what you're worried about. Or are you just chicken… old man.”

    Jim knew he had him and smirked as, sure enough, Len stood and turned to stalk towards Jim. He stood right in front of Jim and looked him dead in the eyes, his gaze so intense that Jim found himself unable to look away. With a smirk, Len ran his finger tips ever so lightly from Jim's hips and up his bare sides, loving the shivers he felt rippling through Jim's body. Jim's head tilted back slightly as he let out a gasp, and Len's hands moved back down to flatten on Jim's hips. He moved one hand around to the small of Jim's back to pull him in closer, flush against his chest, and in one swift move tightened his hold on Jim and jumped sideways into the pond.

    When Jim popped his head out of the water, sputtering and confused with Len laughing in front of him, he couldn’t help but join in. when he finally caught his breath he swam closer to Len and stood before him, almost touching but not quite. Without moving his eyes from Len's he reached down and grabbed the bottom of Len's shirt, pulling it slowly over his head and throwing it on the grass. He then ran his hands down Len's shoulders, then his chest and towards the button of his shorts, making quick work of that and leaning down to pull them off. He tossed them in the same direction as the shirt and the two were now both in only boxers.

    Slowly they closed the gap between them, Jim landing his hands on Len's chest and Len wrapping his arms around Jim's waist and keeping him close. The silver glow of the full moon above them caught on the medallion wrapped around Len's neck and Jim ran a hand down the chain. It definitely hadn’t gone unnoticed by Jim that Len had so far kept his word and had yet to take it off, which Jim could not describe in words how that made him feel, so he did the next best thing. He leaned down, Len's eyes caught on his every move, and placed an open mouthed kiss on the medallion on Len's chest, catching half medallion and half skin between his lips. He felt and heard the moan ripple through Len's chest and smiled as he nosed the spot, then brought his head up to lie on Len's shoulder.

    Jim moved his hands up and around Len's neck to play with his hair between his fingers as Len gently swayed them back and forth. “You know, I’ve never brought anyone to the pond before, you’re the only one.” Jim smiled into his shoulder, blushing profusely. “And thanks for coming with me, Jim, it means a lot to me that you’re here,” he whispered into Jim's shoulder.

    Jim ran a hand down the back of Len's head and replied, “Any time, Bones, I loved this.”

    “Me too,” he smiled, “it made Gran really happy to have you here, she really likes you, Jim. And it was nice to see her reaction when you accepted the invitation to come out.”

    “I would do anything fro Gran,” he hesitated a moment, then continued, “but you know I also came for you, right?”

    “Me?”

    “Yeah,” Jim breathed, “I meant what I said at your party. Two weeks without you, alone in our room… I wouldn’t have made it.”

    Len chuckled, “I'm sure you would have been fine, and you know there are other people on campus besides me. You have other friends, Jim, two weeks would have seemed like a breeze.”

    Jim smiled as he rubbed his thumb melodically over Len's hair line at the base of his neck. Len was right, he had plenty of other friends, but he was wrong in thinking Jim wouldn’t have been bothered with his absence.

    He ran his thumb over the same spot once more then whispered almost inaudibly, “I only want you, Bones.”

    Len didn’t know what to say, so he just wrapped his arms tighter around Jim and nuzzled his face into the crook of his neck.

    “We should just stay here.”

    The suggestion was so out of place that it took Len a second to register what he had said. “What?”

    “Here, in Georgia,” Jim shrugged as if it was obvious, “we should just stay here forever.”

    “And give up Starfleet?” He raised a brow even knowing Jim couldn’t see it.

    “It’s beautiful here, peaceful.” He sighed against Len's shoulder, “I’ve never felt as content in my life as I do right here, with you.”

  “That’s why I love it here so much,” and it was true, he always did love Georgia.

    “It’s settled then, we’ll stay.”

    Len laughed and Jim was quick to follow.

    “Can’t be captain if you're grounded in Georgia,” Len joked, but at the same time both boys knew it was true.

    “Yes…” he drawled, “but we’d be grounded together. You and me, Bones, forever.”

    Len couldn’t help but find himself a little shocked. He knew Jim was stuck to his hip like glue, but he hadn’t realized just how deeply attached he was, maybe he wasn’t reading the signs wrong after all. “So you’d give up all that, space, discovery, exploration, just to stay here with me in Georgia?”

    “If you asked me to.” Just as simple as that it seemed.

    “And what if I didn’t want to stay here?” he asked, testing the waters slightly, “What if I asked you to run away? Live on another planet far from here and never see Georgia again.”

    Jim continued to rub his thumb over Len's neck as he answered, “I go where you go, Bones.”

    Len let out a chuckle at that, but still replied with, “Yeah, same here, kid.”

    Both of them held tighter to each other, neither wanting to let this moment go, but they knew it couldn’t last forever. “As much as I would love to stay here with you, Jim, we have to go back.”

    Jim sighed, it was a nice dream but even he knew it couldn’t be, “I know, kinda don’t want to though.”

    “Me neither kid. But…”

    “But what?”

    “Maybe one day we can,” Len stopped his swaying momentarily, just holding Jim still in the pond, “stay here together that is, if you still want to by then-”

    “Yes!”

    Len laughed, “What if you change your mind about me? A few years down the road you might not want a grumpy old doctor anymore.”

    “Never, Bones,” Jim shook his head, “you and me to the end, no matter what.”

    It wasn’t Len's fault if a tear suddenly escaped him, running down his cheek and landing on Jim's shoulder just then. “No matter what, kid.”

    Neither said another word after that, instead picking up their swaying again and spending most of the night wrapped in each others arms under the moon and stars.

~~~~~~~~~~~

    With the medallion between his fingers Len looked down at Jim's still motionless body in the biobed. Those two weeks in Georgia were the best two weeks of his life. He had Jim all to himself, no exams, or classes, or work. Just the two of them in a perfect paradise of their own, one he wishes could have lasted forever.

    “I never got to tell you on that trip what I really wanted to tell you,” he began, taking up Jim's hand in his and running his thumb over his fingers, “I should have, but I didn’t. I was worried I was reading it all wrong. One minute you were all over me, right by my side, holding my hand, and all I had to do was just lean in and say it, but… but I was never sure if it was right, if you would say it back, and I didn’t want to lose you because I was wrong. It’s obvious now, looking back, that we were both just dancing around each other like fools. Gran was right, I should have just told you.”

    He sighed, wishing with all his might that the hand in his would squeeze back, or Jim would open his eyes and look at him, just finally hear him. But he was becoming more and more worried that it wouldn’t happen and he had lost his chance, hundreds of chances actually.

    “God,” he ran his free hand down his face, “you don’t know how much I need you Jim. I was a god damn mess without you. You said two weeks away would have been bad? How about two months?! I’ve been an absolute wreck without you, kid, and it’s about high time you wake up. I need you by my side, I need your hand in mine when you think no ones looking, hell I don’t even care if you wanna hold my damn hand on the bridge where everyone can see. I don’t even care if you never let go again, I just need you to wake up Jim-”

    A tear fell from his cheek and landed on Jim's. He had gotten so close, their foreheads were almost touching and he had at some pointed started crying. His chest was aching and breathing was becoming very difficult with every second that Jim remained unresponsive. He closed the gap and rested his forehead on Jim's, taking in a deep breath before speaking again, “I’ve always needed you Jim, always. Right from the first moment I met you, and you managed to keep me calm the whole way from Riverside to the academy, but when… when everything fell apart and you were still there beside me it only made my love for you stronger, I'm just sorry it took me all these years to finally get the courage to say it. But god I need you, I need you now more then I ever have in my life, even back then… I can’t live without you, Jim.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: THE POND SCENE!!!!!! Finally! I feel like I’ve been waiting a hundred years to give this to you guys and it hath finally arrived! I hope y’all like it as much as I do, buuuuuuuut..... Fair warning, this is the last little bit of nice soft mckirk you’ll see for a while, the next chapter gets a bit heavy...

Hope everyone enjoys this and let me know what you think <3

Chapter 5

    Leonard slammed a fist on his desk and ran the other hand down his face, ending the comm. He couldn’t take much more of this. If someone didn’t find Jim soon he was going to have some kind of nervous break down, in fact, he was surprised he hadn’t had one already.

    He decided to take himself up on that drink and left his office, not even giving a wave to anyone at the nurse’s station as he stalked past. He was on his way to his room when that old saying popped violently into his head, playing over and over again, “you don’t know what you got till it’s gone,” and hell if that weren’t true.

    He’d known Jim Kirk since the day he sat next to him on the shuttle in Riverside, and he’d be the last to admit that there had been something between them right from the get go, but now he wished he had. He’d spent years trying to convince himself that what he felt for the kid wasn’t anything more then friendship, but after a few close calls he started to realize that maybe he couldn’t keep up that charade for much longer. Now Jim was missing, and every emotion that he had tried for all those years to push down and ignore, because ain’t no way the kid would have feelings for a grumpy old man like him, came quickly flooding back to him, pushing him into a sort of self destructive spiral.

    It started slow. The first few nights Jim was missing he had spent them locked up in his room, trying to quell the frequent panic attacks that were suddenly plaguing him. Thoughts and visions filled his head of Jim dying in so many different ways. Jim floating in space, mangled in the shuttle crash, by infection, by dehydration or starvation… alone. The thoughts quickened his heart and tightened his chest, but no matter what he did he couldn’t vanquish the thought of Jim dying alone and without knowing what he should have told him years ago.

    He had hoped that throwing himself fully into the rescue efforts for Jim and the cadets would maybe help deter these thoughts, but it only made them worse. Each day he would join Spock, Nyota, and a few other members of their crew in mapping out different routes and possible locations. Only, when Leonard started seeing for himself what kinds of planets Jim could have landed on, he was sure one of his panic attacks would turn into a heart attack. As he stood motionless and silent in the ready room off the bridge, looking at pictures and listening to Spock talk about different planets along the shuttles possible routes, “volcanic planet,” “made up of 87.65% water,” “host to a race of hostile inhabitants,” and more, Leonard could hardly contain his very high, and quickly rising, level of anxiety.

    He managed to hide it fairly well during these meetings with Jim's rescue crew. Holding the emotions inside and saving his attacks for when he was in the privacy of his own room, alone, where he could drown his fears in a glass of bourbon. And that’s where it quickly went down hill, and fast. What started off as his usual one or two glasses a night, turned into three, then four, and eventually he found that even the entire bottle couldn’t stop the scenes from running through his mind.

    Now, eighteen days into searching for Jim and again coming up empty handed, he found himself sitting on his couch, having already emptied bottle number one, and half way through bottle number two. And even that didn’t seem to be enough tonight.

~~~~~~~~~~~

    “Lieutenants log, Stardate 2264.96. It has been eighteen days and still no sign of the captain or our missing cadets. I have sent out alerts in all areas of the quadrant in all native languages as well as several foreign ones, and still no one has reported seeing our missing shuttle or crew members...”

    Nyota sighed, running a hand down her face. She had been on the bridge for she didn’t know how long, composing alerts and translating them into as many languages as she knew in an attempt to find Jim, or at the very least have someone come forward with some information that could lead them in the right direction. At this point they were grasping at straws and practically guessing when it came to searching planets. They might as well have closed their eyes and thrown a dart at a map. They had no idea where the shuttle had even gone, and no one in this entire quadrant seemed to know either.

    She ended her comm and turned back to the screen where she was working on her latest translation. The bridge had been quiet all shift, everyone solely focused on finding their missing captain and crew.

    She heard the rush of air as the turbo lift doors opened and closed, and heard the footsteps as they walked steadily across the bridge and stopped behind her. Though she didn’t turn around and instead continued her work.

    A gentle hand touched her shoulder, an attempt to gain her attention. “Lieutenant,” the steady voice of their acting captain broke through the silence, “have you been here for both shifts?”

    She turned to face Spock, realizing now that the bridge crew behind him were not the faces her usual shift crew. Quickly turning back to her screen and looking at the time she sighed and slumped back in her chair, “Yeah, I guess I have.”

    Spock leaned over her slightly, looking at the screen, “Are you sending out another alert about the captain and the cadets?”

    “Yes.”

    “How many have you sent out?”

    “Not including the thirteen native languages of this quadrant…” she thought for a moment, “this will be the eighth.”

    “What language?”

    “This one’s in Klingon.”

    “May I?” She gestured to the screen and pushed her chair to the side so Spock could better view the message. He leaned fully forwards and began reading the text, “Attention Klingon citizens in the Omarian quadrant. This is the crew of the Enterprise asking for your help. On Stardate 2264.78 a shuttle manned by our captain and fourteen cadets was ambushed by an unknown source and chased out of sight of our ship. Those cadets as well as our captain, James Tiberius Kirk, are still missing. We are asking anyone with any information on their whereabouts, or regarding the attack, to please contact the Enterprise immediately. Our family would appreciate any assistance you can give.”

    When he finished reading the passage, he backed away and turned to her, hands folded behind his back, “Do you think the Klingons would help us if they did hold information pertinent to the captain’s rescue?”

    She shrugged, “It’s worth a shot at this point. So far everything else has been a bust.”

    “You do have a point, Lieutenant.” She nodded in response and Spock watched as her head slowly began to fall into her chest. He placed his hand on her shoulder again, jolting her from her half asleep state, “Come, Lieutenant, you must rest. If any information is discovered I will contact you immediately.”

    “No,” she said as she stood from the chair and Spock began gently guiding her towards the lift, “Spock, I have a few more languages I wanted to translate that message into. Just-”

    “Nyota,” he stopped her with a hard look, “we will be no help to Jim, the missing cadets, or the rest of the crew if we are not well rested. Get some rest and we can continue the translations tomorrow.”

    “Yeah,” she nodded, getting into the lift, “you're right. I’ll be here tomorrow morning to continue the translations.”

    Spock gave a nod as the doors closed and she ordered the lift to her deck. In seconds the lift doors opened again and she slowly made way to her room. She was just about there when a familiar blonde head of hair came towards her from down the hall.

    “Christine, what are you doing up so late?”

    “Emergency surgery on one of the engineering crew,” she huffed a breath and rubbed her already red eyes, “I was actually already off shift and in bed when M’benga called me in to help.”

    “Doesn’t doctor McCoy usually take the reigns on these kinds of things?” She quirked a brow and crossed her arms, “At the very least he's usually present during the surgery.”

    “That’s just the thing,” she shrugged, “no ones been able to get him on comms. He left the sickbay around noon without telling anyone and no ones heard from him all day.”

    “That’s odd.”

    Christine rubbed a hand up her arm, shifting slightly closer to whisper to Nyota, “I'm worried about him, Ny,” she stepped back, not sure if she should disclose this next bit of information to a lieutenant, but she needed to tell someone and she didn’t think that someone should be Spock, considering his track record with Leonard, “I keep finding empty bottles of alcohol all over his office, he's leaving shift early, I don’t think he's done a surgery or even an exam on anyone in weeks, he won’t talk to anyone, spends most of his time in his office gaping at those maps. I know this all has to do with Jim going missing, and believe me we are all feeling the loss right now, but I'm afraid he's spiralling into something he won’t be able to pull himself out of and soon it might… it might get really bad if someone doesn’t pull him out.”

    “You’re right,” she nodded, “what's his room number? I’ll check on him.”

    Christine pulled up the padd in her hand and tapped away for a second before looking back to Nyota, “Room, 226.”

    “Ok, I'm on my way,” she turned to head back to the lift before calling out, “I’ll comm you when I’ve got him.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

    Nyota arrived at room 226, the room of her good friend Doctor Leonard McCoy. She knocked and waited, looking around the deserted hallway. It was long past midnight and the ship was eerily quite as she waited. When she heard no answer or rousing from the other side she knocked again, this time shouting, “Leonard, I know you’re in there, please let me in. I know this change in you is because of Jim but we can talk it out, just open the door. People are worried about you.”

    Still no one answered and she would admit that she was starting to get worried too. She took another look around the halls, making sure she was still alone, before quickly hacking into the lock pad beside Len’s door and breaking in.

    She entered to the room in complete darkness. She closed the door behind her and called out for Len but again there was no answer. She ordered the computer to turn the lights on and gasped when she was finally able to see. And what she was met with was a room full of countless empty bottles, a passed out doctor on the floor in front of the couch, and a bottle of half empty bourbon slowly leaking in his hand.

    She ran over to him, turning him over and taking his face in her hands shaking him gently, “Leonard, wake up!”

    When all she got in response was a groan and a still unconscious Leonard, she grabbed her comm and called Christine.

    “Uhora!” Christine’s voice came through the comm, “Did you talk to Leonard?”

    “Not exactly,” she grunted as she hauled the limp doctor off the floor and slung his arm over her shoulder, “meet me back in sickbay, find an empty room and prep a bed for me. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

    Before anything else could be said she ended the call and began dragging Leonard across the room and slowly down the hall. He was no help to her at all, only grunting in protest at the upright position and occasionally shuffling his feet and throwing them both off balance. And after what seemed like a life time they finally made it to the lift that would take them to Christine.

    When she had first laid eyes on Leonard lying lifeless on the floor, her first thought was to call Spock. He was after all, their acting captain in Jim's stead, but when rethinking that strategy she decided against it. Spock and the doctor did not have the best past and she could only imagine the fight that would ensue when Spock found out that his chief medical officer had nearly drank himself into a coma. And with Jim being gone and tensions already on the rise, she was sure it would most likely end in a blood bath. Instead she decided it best to keep this incident quiet and leave Len in the trustworthy hands of nurse Chapel.

    When the lift door opened Christine was already there waiting for them, eyes blowing wide upon seeing the limp state of Leonard hanging off uhora’s shoulder. She quickly ran inside the lift taking up Len’s other side and lead them all to the room she had prepped in the far back of the sick bay.

    They landed Leonard on the bed and shaded the windows before closing the door, leaving the three alone.

    “What happened?!” Christine instantly began scanning Leonard, checking all vitals while waiting for an explanation.

    Uhora sighed, running a hand through her hair before answering, “Jim still missing has clearly put a strain on all of us in many different ways. I found him passed out in his room surrounded by empty bourbon bottles. I can’t even begin to guess how many bottles he drank before he passed out.”

    Chapel ran a scanner over him, eyes on her padd. “He’s lucky you found him and not someone else.”

    “Those were my thoughts exactly,” she nodded, “I thought about calling Spock for help but I thought maybe it would be best to keep this quiet.”

    “You’re probably right.” She pulled the scanner away, placing it back in her pocket and put the padd on the bedside table before turning to Uhora, “He’ll be fine. Nothing I can’t fix with a few good hypos.”

    Uhora smirked, crossing her arms and standing, “I’ll be back in the morning to talk to him when he’s more himself, so don’t let him leave this room until I get here.” Chapel nodded, “And you should get some sleep too, Christine. Don’t let this fool keep you up all night.”

    “I will. Good night, Nyota.”

    “Good night.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

    For the first time in a long time Leonard woke up to a blinding headache. His eyes were so heavy and sore they didn’t even want to open, and sitting up was definitely not going to happen right now.

    He ran a shaking hand down his face trying to remember what happened. He remembered making it to his room, then soon after receiving a comm from Spock informing him that the mission had yet again been a failure, and they would have to move on to another planet to search for Jim. Next thing, he had a bottle of bourbon in his hand and the rest is a haze.

    Though he didn’t remember what happened he was sure he could put two and two together and figure it out, but how he had ended up in the sickbay would remain a mystery.

    As he rifled through his jumbled thoughts for an answer the door opened, letting in a little too much light for his over sensitive eyes, and he shot a hand up to cover them.

    “Oh, is that too bright for you?” A woman's voice hit his ears and he groaned in response, “I'm sorry, let me just open it a little more then. Or how about I do you one better. Computer, lights one hundred percent!”

    As more light flooded the room Leonard hissed and rolled onto his side, which was a horrible idea as he felt his stomach lurch with the motion. Though he was far too stubborn to blow his stomach contents, and also not willing to stand to run to the bathroom, and forced himself to get over the sudden wave of nausea.

    He let out one more groan as his stomach screamed at him, along with his liver, and he slit his eyes open just enough to see a familiar figure standing before him, arms crossed. “Uhora. What are you doing here? And why am I here?”

    “You don’t remember?” She spat, walking closer to him, “I had to drag your dumb ass here after I found you passed out on your floor last night! I had to pull Chapel out of her room after she already worked a double and assisted on an emergency surgery because you were nowhere to be found, just so she could save your sorry hide from dying of alcohol poisoning!”

    Yep, it was just as he had suspected. He clutched his stomach as another wave of nausea hit him and he looked up at her, “Look, Uhora, I-”

    She raised a hand to stop him, “I don’t even want to hear your lame excuse Leonard. I had every intention of coming in here this morning and being as sympathetic as I could, but I couldn’t do it. I know your situation is slightly different then the rest of us, but you're not the only one who’s effected by Jim's absence!”

    His brows furrowed and he pulled himself up in the bed to sit up slightly, “What do you mean my situation is different?”

    She met his confused eyes with ones filled with pity. “Leonard, I know how you feel about Jim, I think everyone knows.”

    “How I feel about him?”

    She moved to sit on the edge of the bed facing him, all sternness replaced with the sympathy she spoke of before as she placed a hand on his shoulder, “The two of you were made for each other. I’ve seen the way you look at him, and how he looks at you, I’ve seen the way you act around each other and I know it’s more then merely friendship between you. But Leonard, you have got to pull yourself together. Jim is out there somewhere, along with fourteen other cadets who all need our help. No doubt when we find them they are going to need their chief medical officer in top condition to patch them up, and Jim is surely going to need his Bones just the same way.” He laid his head heavily back on the bed, letting it all sink in as she continued, “If you love him as much as I know you do, you'll sober up and get ready for when we do find him. And when he does get back, you should probably do something about that unspoken bond between the two of you. If this is anything to learn from, it’s that our lives are too dangerous and unpredictable to wait until it’s too late.”

    She gave his arm a pat and left him alone to wallow in her words. He sighed, thinking over what she had said and decided that as always, Uhora was right… about everything.

    He rolled to his side again and searched the room for his comm finding it on top of his shoes beside the bed. He grabbed it and rolled to his back, holding the comm in front of his face, before taking a deep breath and speaking as calmly as he could. “CMO’s log, stardate 2264.97. It’s… it’s day nineteen now in our search for the captain, and I won’t lie… I am struggling with his absence. After some much needed words of wisdom from Lieutenant Uhora I’ve come to realize some things, or rather finally come to fully accept them. All I’ve got to say is we better find you soon, Jim, and we better find you alive, cuz I’ve got a lot to say to you kid… a whole hell of a lot.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    The tone in his voice caused his father to close his book, place it to the side of his table, and lean back in his chair with his full attention now on Jim, “Why not? You can’t tell me there wasn’t any food wandering the streets of New York.”

    “I was in Central Park, just about ready to feed on a sweet drunk,” Jim strode his way over to his father’s desk, “when I was ambushed and kidnapped.”

    His father couldn’t help but let out a chuckle and cross his arms over his chest, “Jim, you’re a vampire, you have enhanced senses, speed, and strength. How could any human sneak up on you and kidnap you?”

    “I was kidnapped by wolves!” Jim had made his way to the edge of his father’s desk, and in all his rage slammed his fists down in the center of the dark pine wood. Luckily, he still had some idea of his strength and only managed to leave two fists sized indents on the top of the desk, but they both knew he was more than capable of putting both fists right through it.

    “Wolves…” he whispered the word but Jim heard it, and though it was the smallest shift in position, Jim did not miss the tense in his father’s shoulders after the mention of these, until now, extinct creatures.

    “Yes, wolves,” he repeated, trying to mask his fright with anger over being overpowered so easily, “and they sent me with a message for you. Some douchebag - who I’m assuming is their leader since he didn’t bother to even give me a name - said he wanted to speak with you on matters that have recently arisen. I should have told him to shove it but I didn’t get the chance before I was being thrown out the door.”

    “No,” his father sat forwards, leaning his elbows on the desk, “it’s good you didn’t say anything.”

    Jim took a step back, eyes wide, “You’re not seriously considering…”

    His father nodded, more to himself then in answer to Jim's question, “We will attend the Alphas meeting. When does he expect us to arrive?”

    “I… tomorrow night, but-”

    His father cut him off, finally looking to him, “And you know the way?”

    “Yes but-”

    “You may take leave now, Jim,” his father dismissed him and stood from his chair behind the desk.

    Outraged and disgusted that his father would even consider such a matter, especially with filthy mutts, Jim's rage burst from him even more, “But, father!”

    Before he could make any further argument his father put a hand up to stop him, “Jim,” the young vampire quickly shut his mouth allowing his father to continue, “No more. We will attend the meeting and hear him out, and while we are there you will keep your rebellious outbursts to a zero. Are we clear?”

    Jim nodded before muttering out a barely audible, “Yes, Father.”

    “Good,” his father walked out from behind the desk and stood before Jim, “you may take leave.” He said, this time with warning.

    Without so much as a glance in his father’s direction, Jim touched his right fist to his left shoulder and kneeled before his father, head down. After a few moments he rose, and spoke the words, “Yes, Blood Father Pike.” Jim then turned on his heels and exited the room, leaving his father to his thoughts.

~~~~~~~~~~~

    The next night Jim found himself arriving at the docks where the wolves had taken him the night before. This time accompanied by his blood father, as well as a few other vampires that had been chosen to join them. A stiff fog had rolled into town that night, cutting visibility to all but zero, but Jim didn’t need to see to know that their wait would be a short one.

    He lifted his head slightly, catching the salty ocean breeze as it rushed past his face. He inhaled deep, then turned to his blood father, whose eyes remained fixed on the rocking water before them, “They’re here.” Though Jim knew if he could smell them, so could he.

    His father nodded, and they all watched as a fair sized boat emerged from the thick fog and pulled up to the dock. Without so much as a word the vampires entered the boat and stood silently as it pulled away from the docks and travelled back into the night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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