I think I sort of accidentally/half assedly Tried It on Thursday night and obviously since I'm here posting this now it didn't work but idk. I spent a lot of time yesterday putting together the bits of evidence I had to figure out wtf happened, then processing it, crying a lot, then confiding in my husband and telling him everything about it/how bad it's been lately. He has been taking very good care of me.
I know I've already sort of admitted this here, but I don't think I really decided that I need to do something about my drinking and pill abuse until I was putting it all together yesterday but I really can't ignore it anymore. Yesterday ended up being the first day in a couple of weeks that I didn't have a drink. It's time for me to clean myself up. Not saying I'll never drink again, because honestly I probably will, but I definitely need to get a better control on all of these things. Figuring out what happened Thursday was kind of scary. I think I felt more sadness than scared though. I kind of can't believe how bad it's gotten.
Apparently, from what I can deduce, what happened on Thursday was: my emotions had been severely frayed for several days at this point and I'd been having really nasty pseudo suicidal thoughts all day. I allowed myself to have a total of 4 beers that night. Before bed, I took my boot off and my foot hurt a LOT. I immediately started crying and had a whole meltdown. Put my boot back on and hobbled painfully down the steps to sleep on the couch so I wouldn't keep my husband awake. Somewhere in there, while having my meltdown, I remember going in my husband's office and finding his bottle of Ambien and I don't remember actually taking any but I definitely must have. I don't know how much I took. But then I remember going in the kitchen and having a snack and seeing my last two beers in the fridge and telling myself "no, you said you'd stop at 4 beers. Go to bed". And that's all I remember. But I woke up with zero beers in the fridge and my whole couch smelling like beer and some bruises and scratches on my face. So I'm assuming that the Ambien kicked in while I was in the kitchen getting the snack and I at some point either forgot that I told myself no more beer, or just decided "fuck it whatever" and had those last two beers. One of which probably got mostly spilled. The bruising/scratches on my face honestly point to me punching myself with my ring on at some point before I passed out. I know that sounds absurd but it's definitely a form of self harm I've done in the past so I could see it being something I would do while in the throes of a blacked out meltdown in the middle of the night, unfortunately.
I didn't realize it's this bad. I'm getting help.
