I just realized I pretty much haven't been sober during a pms episode since I was probably like 19 :| don't get me wrong I'm still smoking weed but not being able to have a beer today is really frustrating me

Today is two weeks since I've stopped drinking, because the Thursday before last I had a really bad breakdown, got black out drunk, took some pills, ended up hurting myself (long story short), and I have no memory of most of it. The next day as I was piecing together the details of what happened, I told my husband about all of it and I came to the conclusion that my drinking is out of control and that I need to dry out, clean myself up, and get to a spot where I have control over myself/my drinking again. Even then, though, I was never 100% committed to "never touch alcohol ever again for the rest of my life". My whole goal was, as I said, to clean myself up and get a better control over myself and my drinking. My husband has been very very supportive of me getting sober.

In the last two weeks I have done a lot of research online and in books about alcoholism, and I have come to the conclusion that what I actually need to do is change my drinking habits. Because, I think the root of my drinking getting out of control is that I was so in the habit of drinking (a lot) at home, by myself, every night. My husband and I have a close friend named Phil who has a strict drinking rule for himself: no drinking at home. He goes to social events and has a few, he has drinks when he and his wife go out to dinner, etc, but he absolutely does not bring alcohol into his home. So I've been thinking about the Phil Method a lot. That, to me, sounds like a good place to start the habit breaking since, as I said, the habit I'm really trying to break is getting drunk at home every night.

This past week I was supposed to have my monthly girls night out with my bestie, where we meet at a bar and have 2-3 drinks and hang out for a few hours and talk. I thought a lot about it as the date approached, and I made a very good, well thought out plan that I had confidence that I could stick to: 3 drinks absolute maximum, drive myself home safely, do not buy beer on the way home, then resume sobriety as normal afterwards. In my head that's a great solution, because, again, I've never committed to absolute lifelong sobriety, and honestly I don't think there's anything wrong with having 2-3 drinks with my friend once a month at a bar.

But as the day approached and I told my husband my plan (a couple of days before the event, just for the purpose of keeping open communication and letting him in)..... He absolutely did not agree that it was a good idea, and honestly had quite a meltdown, and stopped speaking to me for two days. And this was after he went on a lengthy rant about not being able to solve this problem for me a few days earlier, emphasizing that I have to figure this out on my own. So it honestly did kind of shock me that he had such an overwhelmingly negative and emotional response to this plan that I made for myself. I came to realize his emotional response was a combination of "he doesn't want to feel like he's forcing me into sobriety", and "my plan is not the plan he wanted me to have", as well as, I'm sure, overall worry for me after that breakdown two weeks ago. He's also worried that "2-3 drinks on Wednesday will turn into drinks on Thursday Friday and Saturday too", and when he mentioned that I tried to very gently tell him about trying the Phil Method. He waved that all away too. It's very clear to me that he had already decided in his head that I was to be lifelong sober now, even though I told him SEVERAL TIMES that I have no intention of never touching a drink again, I'm just cleaning myself up and breaking the bad habit of drinking at home. I don't think he believes in me that I can make the plan happen and it won't cause a major backslide.

I really don't think this is as big of a deal as he's making it seem. I do get it that I had a very worrisome breakdown two weeks ago but I think the fact that I've acknowledged my drinking problem on my own, willingly decided to make changes, started researching and thinking a lot about the changes I want to make, and then came up with a whole plan that I felt confident that I could stick to, about having 2-3 drinks with my friend once a month and not bringing alcohol home..... To me that IS making the changes that I want to see. And honestly it feels like his reactions (not speaking to me for two days, keeping his distance, etc) are over the top and unnecessary. Sure, he's not really forcing me into sobriety, but when he throws a fit and then doesn't speak to me for days after I tell him that I have a safe plan for having a couple of drinks with my friend..... Do I really, actually, have a choice in the matter? Obviously I don't want to fight with my husband, but he's making it pretty clear that he wants total sobriety from me or else I get the cold shoulder and thinly veiled divorce threats. I just feel like it's unfair. As Ive said several times now, I never agreed to total sobriety. I'm just cleaning myself up.

My friend ended up cancelling our night out last week btw. We're gonna try again next Friday. As of the current moment my plan for that outing will be the exact same as the plan I already created last week.

Last thought, and this is going to sound petty/bratty/mean idk but I don't mean it in any way like that........ The thing about the nature of this situation is that, quite literally, it HAS to happen MY WAY or it won't happen at all. He has gone on and on about "I can't solve this for you", "you have to figure this out on your own and then do it yourself", etc etc, and then when I DO try to do it my own way he's obviously upset that I didn't do it his way. But...... He literally can not out-stubborn me on this one, as he usually does in our conflicts. On one hand I want to be like "it doesn't matter what he thinks because he doesn't really get a vote, I have to be the one to figure this out and do it my way", on the other hand I really hate fighting with him and being given the cold shoulder and I dont want to do things that make him upset.

In the last week I have discovered that the nausea and extreme heartburn (very unusual for me) and vomiting I've been experiencing occasionally since getting my dose bumped up to 40 mg two months ago have been happening about an hour after I take the new dose. And I finally connected the dots about a week ago and it turns out that the coating on these capsules is super thick and tough (seriously it is like plastic! It's kind of difficult to even open the capsule because of the coating) and it's been getting stuck in my esophagus because it's not dissolving. So....... Fuck. I'm gonna ask my doctor if I can get a script of two 20 mg tablets instead of the 40 mg capsule next month. For now...... Prozac Applesauce.

Why does everything feel so difficult lately