#twilightconfetti

Taking 5 steps back than forward

I’m being too hard on myself

For I know I can do better

I’m trying to do the soul work

So I can heal my heart

But it’s been hard

Cuz I feel so scarred

I feel the devil on my shoulder

Screaming louder than ever

To make me go back to my old patterns

To undo all my healing

My mind is in a constant battle with my heart

Should I do what’s right or what’s wrong

Even though wrong feels so good

I feel like I’m losing myself again

There are knots in my stomach

A stone on my heart

My mind feels numb

And my eyes are holding back tears

I hate feeling this way

Like I have no control

Filled with anxieties and insecurities

Fire in my soul

Body finer than a piece of art

Intellect bigger than the black hole

I know how to find joy

When given a rose

And

Even when your smile wrinkles your nose

Did not learn

How to be someone’s subordinate

My strength can not be ascribed

To an ordinate

Will powerful enough

To move mountains

Judgment right enough

To know they’re beautiful right where they are

Don’t undermine my value

For I can shine brighter than any star.

They look at me like I’m lost

But they don’t know

Never have I been

So grounded in my own zone.

I tiptoe

Around everyone’s feelings

But nobody cares

About what’s in my head

And what I’m seeing.

Caging me

With expensive gifts

And smiley pictures

For Christmas

Only to make me stay

With guilt

Alien to my tears.

I want to fly

And soar high

But they want to control

The color of my wings

And the destination to where I’m going.

I keep waiting

To find a new home

And hoping

That my time will come

But I’m running out of sand

And the fear of disappointing them

Is greater than ever.

Side note: Abuse mentally, physically and/or in any other form is damaging to health. Quarantine times are especially vulnerable for the same and I hope you are keeping yourself safe. Report to the authorities if you feel unsafe in any way or form and don’t be ashamed of talking to a therapist.

But you’ll miss me once I’m gone.