#tw functioning labels

I was diagnosed as autistic when I was 10, and I was more specifically diagnosed with "High functioning autism". The person my psychiatrist saw was me on easy days, on days when I was fully calm, on days when I could easily communicate, and had no other job than to sit and do what she told me to do.

She hadn't seen me go fully mute for months on end, she hadn't seen me fully unable to take care of my basic needs, she hadn't seen me have violent meltdowns, she hadn't seen me hit and bite myself because I couldn't identify my emotions, she hadn't seen me run into the street because I have nothing in my brain telling me not to, she hadn't seen me unable to change clothes for multiple days, she hadn't seen me only able to shower once a week, she hadn't seen me unable to properly exist in gened, she hadn't seen me have severe meltdowns over a change I liked just because I didnt expect it, she hadn't seen me put a small hole in a wall during a meltdown, she hadn't seen me as a full time AAC user, she hadn't seen me as a part time AAC user, she hadn't seen me unable to sleep without an intensely large amount of nightlights, she hadn't seen me unable to bathe myself until age 9 or 10, etc.

She saw me in a calm state, once every few months, on days when I could communicate easily and do what she asked. That is all she saw of me, her asking me questions, having me do things, and asking my mom questions.

If she saw me, and I was the way I described in front of her, my diagnosis would probably be closer to something like "moderate functioning autism".

But here's the thing, ON DIFFERENT DAYS, I FIT DIFFERENT CRITERIA FOR DIFFERENT TYPES OF AUTISM DIAGNOSES.

My ability to "Function" varies so so much, and this makes functioning labels extremely inaccurate.

Now, let's use support needs to describe me. I am a person who's support needs fluctuate from med-high. I have med-high support needs. This is accurate for me, and it is not ableist.

oh no. I’ve only been referred to as high-functioning once before, and it was by a therapist of all people. apparently all people of all education levels are susceptible to falling for the functioning levels bullshit

people: why can’t you do thing

me: (explains how my autism/adhd interacts with my environment and what I need to help me)

people: don’t use your autism as a crutch

me: but it’s the reason I can’t do thing, I’m disabled

people: ohh so you’re loW fUnCtIoNinG. but if you’re low functioning you cant talk or function at all and can’t spell or do anything in school!

me: No, that isn’t true about me—

people: oh, so you’re high functioning. but if you’re high functioning you can do all the things someone without autism can, so stop complaining.

me: (continues to struggle)

people: why can’t you do thing

me: because im stupid i GUESS

people: don’t say that about yourself :( if you’re struggling you can just say so :(

most likely, each essay will be on specific neurodivergent traits and how hamilton seems to have shown these. for example, one will be one hyperfocus, hyperfixations, and special interests.

however, i must say a large percent of these are going to be behavior-based, unfortunately. obviously, i am not alexander hamilton and as such, i have no idea what went on inside his head (tbh, i barely know what goes on in my own head).

Someone: Your autism can't be that bad! I didn't notice it!

Me: The fact that I am able to pass as neurotypical does not mean that I am. You only don't see that I'm autistic because I was struggling my entire life as an undiagnosed autistic person to fit in as good as I can. Because my quality of life depends on it. I was bullied enough to know that I have to choose between either being myself and mentally tortured for it by others unaccepting of any autistic trait or acting out of my natural way of behavior. The fact that people invalidate me as an autistic individual after THEY have forced me to not be noticeably autistic is just a further manifestation of the emotional manipulation and ableism directed towards autistic people. The fact that I am not noticeably autistic is nothing but a protective mechanism that I devote a lot of energy to. Telling me that I need to present more autistic in order to actually be autistic is nothing but further abuse and a way to deny help that autistic people like myself are in need of. The fact that I'm not noticeably autistic doesn't "lessen" the fact that I'm autistic, just as well as the fact that I'm cis-het-passing doesn't make me cis-het.

Someone: You must be pretty high function!!

Me: Functioning labels are nothing but a result of our capitalistic society which is evaluating the worth of people in general and even more of disabled people based upon how much and well they contribute to society. The only difference between me and a person deemed as "low functioning" is that the struggles I face as an autistic individual are on different levels that do not have an impact on factors valued by our capitalistic society. I am able to take care of myself around 60-70%, I was able to finish school and now I'm visiting university, which will lead to me later on taking a job and thus contributing my energy to our society in a way that everyone else profits from, besides me. Because as an autistic individual, I struggle with these things a lot even though I'm able to do them. "Low functioning" autistic people are oftentimes not able to contribute to society in a way that provides monetary resources for others and the state and if they are, then they aren't able to take on jobs that would further maximize that gain. By slapping functioning labels on autistic people, you are either ignoring their struggles (high functioning) or their talents (low functioning) based solely on contributing to our capitalistic society in a socially appropriate way.

Someone: You don't look autistic!