#tulgey

Us trans men and masc-leaning non-cis are apparently being accused of selfishness. The claim is that we care about ourselves and our own struggle more than we care about the struggle of others; in this particular case, we're accused of putting our voices above the voices of our beautiful, pained, feminine counterparts.

Some days it feels like we're damned if we do and damned if we don't. Today is one of those days. I’ve seen some very articulate, well-thought-out replies from both sides, but I’d like to share my view alongside the others for further perspective.

On Man- vs. Woman- hood:

Before we knew who we were, we existed as some form of woman, if only in the eyes of others. Within those gazes, we were looked down upon. We were the 'weaker' sex. We were inferior. Less smart. Less resourceful. Paid less in the workplace. Surrounded by weaponized incompetence and misogyny. Seen and not heard. As we are, we are deformed flowers, contorting however we can to reach the sun.

One day, we meet our true self and we make a decision. We make a change. We choose authenticity, whatever the cost, and we enter a new world where we are eager to finally step into the light. A world where we are more than something gangled to look at, where we might begin to grow properly. A place where we’re allowed to exist and take up space, since we weren’t given that before.

Unfortunately, rather than stepping into the light, we're often expected to step into a new shadow. We thought we might finally matter here and are in agony as we’re again directed to be silent. Now, we must be seen and not heard because of the sudden onset of privileges we’re supposed to unilaterally receive.

We are expected to give our voices to others so that their pain may be heard. Then, when we ask ‘when is my voice allowed to be for me,’ we are admonished for our selfishness.

I’m a person before all else. I’ve been abused by many, in many different ways, and I’ve lived multiple lives where other people’s needs and wants were supposed to come before my own. I cannot thrive in a world where my existence is viewed as an inconvenience to someone else's cause.

Putting trans men against trans women like this is cruel. Suggesting that an underserved community lower their voice so that another group can be heard is telling some of us to wilt so that someone else can flourish. It would be one thing if we were healthy, strong flowers, because a plant like that can share the sunlight. Some of us can.

However, many of us are not that plant.