#tsopgg

Hello, Upper East Siders, Gossip Girl here - and I’m starting to think you've all gotten boring in your maturity. Another party come and gone and you have left me disappointed once again. Let’s hope the rest of the week at the Hamptons is more exciting than the the start has been.

I thought you Upper East Siders knew how to throw a party. Kati and Kenzie decided to kick of the week with a welcome party but it was hardly worth mentioning. There seemed to be nothing eventful except for getting to watch Kati evict a some trashy locals who decided to crash the party with what seemed like her new sidekick, Emma Vanderbilt, at her side. What’s wrong, K? Isabel not good enough for you anymore?

Instead of joining the party, Eric Van der Woodsen and Carter Bazien were seen on the beach, enjoying the sun and the waves. I can understand Eric not taking an interest in the party, but at least thought Carter would have been there to stir up some interest. 

Lastly, a very unlikely and surprising thing happened this week. Dan Humphrey emerged from whatever hole he has been hiding in to the show his face. Being his first appearance in a very long time, I was surprised it was here of all places. Maybe this week won’t be as disappointing as I thought. Careful Lonely Boy, you’re in their playing field and you don’t have the safety of Brooklyn to hide behind anymore.

I have yet to determine whether your naivety is idiotic or endearing; as it is, not even I could deny it takes a certain amount of bravado to forgo an alias in lieu of your real identity. Charm it may be, but valiance is nothing more than an antiquated practice, Wyatt - perhaps you’d do better defending the honor of a woman who actually has some. I’m not sure what they taught you down south, but here on the Upper East Side, chivalry has long since been forgotten, especially when the object of your affection lays with a girl who surely doesn’t deserve it. 

Good morning, Upper East Siders, Gossip Girl here - and for once I can say I’m not impressed. In years past you’ve always managed to keep me interested, but in the hangover haze from a party gone sour past hour two, there are only a few things worthy of a mention from me. 

MVP of the evening goes by default to Wyatt Lawson. I always knew that being from the south meant you surely garnered some sort of talent, but I never would have guessed that juggling was your forte. Kati, Emma, Valeria, Sutton, all in one night? Which hangover is worse, Wyatt? The one that’s left your nose runny or the one caused by an evening of taking a verbal lashing at the hands of yours truly? If I were you, I’d make a stop at the clinic the first thing on my agenda. Better make sure the saddle is clean before you plan on taking another ride.

Either way, it looks like you’ll never get your ride off into the sunset with Emma. Sources tell me that she was seen exiting the apartment building of none other than Jamie Buckley in the early reaches of the morning light, and we all know that sleepovers with Jamie rarely constitute any sleep at all. My only question is whether or not Penelope was there to join the fun? I would hazard a guess at no.

And speaking of being an expert at juggling, is it really surprising to anybody that Nate has once again found himself in the midst of ghosts of girlfriends past? Jenny, Serena, Blair - it’s a true wonder as to how he managed to keep his head above water. You may have women circling around you like sharks in open water now, Nate, but it’s only a matter of time before Chuck swoops in and it becomes nothing less than a bloodbath. Oh, wait. He already did. It’s too bad that two of your girlfriends prefer the company of your best friend, especially when its become increasingly apparent that he enjoys the company of, well, just about everyone else.

Basses enjoying the company of those they shouldn’t would appear to be the theme of the night. Fletcher Murdoch? Really, Octavia? Even I wouldn’t fish from the kiddie pool, and we all know he was cast out of the deep end a long time ago.

Also looking a bit wet this evening is Sutton Fitzgerald - and not in the good way. In the past if I had to bet on who would win when it comes to blows, my money would have been on Sutton, though Hazel has certainly given me a change of heart. Sources tell me you’ve got good aim, H, but next time, I wouldn’t bother wasting a decent drink on someone who doesn’t know the difference between Korbel and Moet & Chandon, especially when we all know there’s a possibility that the man behind the action may very well prefer the company of his sister.

Last, and almost certainly, least: the award for most disappointing will inevitably fall in the hands of none other than Carter Baizen and Christian Sullivan. For all your cavalier words and threats of a good time - you’ve let me down the most. Tsk, tsk.

One would think that reuniting with a sibling long since lost would bring no uncertain amount of joy to the face of Eric van der Woodsen. Perhaps he’s too busy helping everyone else to truly pay mind to Serena, or maybe he’s grown tired of her disappearing acts. 

Better yet, maybe he’s decided to fly the coop and chase after his former best friend on his mission to star in the lead role of ABC’s Baby Daddy. Or rather, chase after the girl who we all know had a taste for both halves of the dynamic duo.