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He hadn't seen Harry since that day a fortnight ago though and in a small village, that was a bad sign. Maybe he's just keeping his distance, he mused. Maybe he's avoiding me. He wouldn't blame him if so, what must he think of James for pulling him in close with one arm only to push him away with the other? Harry had been hopeful that they could all live under one roof, come to terms with things together but James was used to dealing with things alone and honestly, he didn't know how he'd handle it either way - best stick to what you know and not further muddy things. All he knew for sure is he couldn't have focused on his son whilst Harry was there, the emotions involved were too conflicting. How could he feel happy about his relationship when his son was in such dire straits? How could he give his heart to both at once, in such totally different ways?

It had been going well with Romeo, they talked, they bonded, they continued to get to know each other, but inside James was terrified by it all. One wrong move, one stray sentence and it could all come crashing down. He felt he was walking on eggshells, just trying so hard not to ruin it. Romeo already mistrusted him, Mac had gotten his claws into him before he'd gotten the chance to mess things up himself, and his son storming out remained a constant possibility. James didn't know how to move past that and get their relationship to a level that seemed less fragile. All he could hope for was that time would do his bidding.

All the while, not a day had gone by - no, not a waking hour - that he'd not thought of Harry and what could have been. When he woke up hard in the morning, he didn't need to fantasise, just to remember, and whilst that satisfied the immediate need, it made it impossible to get over him. One day, he'd come and not 30 seconds later he'd cried as if in mourning. It wasn't fair, Harry was always so tantalisingly close and yet events seemed to forever conspire against him. His head was wrecked, he was always tired spending all his energy either on the unnatural phenomenon that was belated parenting or on trying to ensure his firm could get up and running and that he could support himself and his son into the future, his savings having been so ravaged by everything that had led up to this point. It was expensive to set up on your own and he didn't know how long it'd be before he'd actually be making money rather than using every penny left in his bank account. He was quietly grateful for his mum's contacts as they'd used his services even though he and Marnie were not speaking. Once in a while, he craved her touch, her little caresses telling him everything would be alright because he didn't have that anymore. He didn't have his mum to treat him like her little boy, he didn't have anyone to lean on, just someone so needing to lean on him.

He was lost, he knew it, barely treading water and short of ideas on how to make things better, get through this. But what could he do? When it came to family and friends, all he had was a 17 year old boy and - if he allowed himself to think it - a 21 year old, with no money, no home and no future mapped out; the 21 year old was even naïve enough to think James was the key to his happiness, and that this was enough. Being with Ste had put paid to any notions of an education beyond catering out of a van and learning how to deal with his demanding little sprogs. He'd left the boy with no prospects, no means and no ambitions. A part of James wanted nothing more than to support him through university so that he could get back on track and re-find his agency but he was in no position now to support another mouth. He was also too exhausted to begin to think he could handle the emotions being with the man he loved would entail. Even when Harry had returned and said all the right things, James was terrified of losing him again, his chest tight with all the negative anticipation. How could he live in the moment when every moment could be the last? The fear clawed into him and wouldn't let go - if there was anything life had taught him, it was to expect the worst and sometimes even he couldn't anticipate what horror was waiting in store for him.

His new firm, or what existed of it, was taking up so much of his time but as he was mainly based at home for now, he could keep an eye on Romeo. He'd try to set aside time to eat lunch together but after, his son was out and about, doing what he was never sure but neither school nor employment. He had plenty of food in - an absolute necessity with Romeo about - but he wanted some fresh air so decided he needed a couple more things for dinner. On his way to the shops, his mind elsewhere, he turned the corner to the alleyway near Price Slice and almost collided into someone. "Watch where you're..." he began, angrily, until he saw it was Harry.

"Harry," he said, the surprise etched on his face.

"James."

"How... How are you?"

"Great," Harry replied, seemingly already regretting his sarcasm.

"Where are you staying? With Zack?"

"Yep, but I think Simone's patience is wearing thin."

James swallowed uncomfortably knowing there was no easy solution.

"How's it going with Romeo?"

"Yeah, good. He eats a lot. A bit like you," James smiled to himself, before pursing his lips as if he'd said something wrong. Then Harry blind-sided him.

"I know I shouldn't say this but I miss you." James's face was a picture of discomfort but Harry continued. "I know you don't think we can be together, and I know you've got to focus on your son, but it doesn't stop me loving you."

"You're going to have to try," James replied sincerely. He knew he couldn't do the same so he just hoped Harry would be made of sterner stuff.

"Why?"

"Because I'm working day and night at the moment, all hours, to get my firm up and running. Because I've got a kid at home who's messed up and just waiting for me to let him down. I don't have any spare capacity, Harry, and..." His emotions were caught in his throat. He was so exhausted by everything and just speaking to Harry was bringing him to the verge of tears, a sure sign if anything he couldn't cope with any relationship between them right now.

"Let me help you. And before you reject me out of hand," Harry continued quickly, his hand held out to stop any words leaving James's mouth, "I just mean I'm not doing anything else with myself at the moment and you need another pair of hands. I'm just talking about helping you with your firm, or cooking dinner for you and Romeo or something - just things I can do to lighten your burden. And if all that means is that you get an extra hour of sleep, it'll be worth it."

"I can't..." Tears flooded from his eyes, his breath catching every few seconds as he uselessly tried to stop crying. He let Harry hold him and finally gave in to his emotions, leaning against Harry who had the wall to support him.

"You're trying to do too much by yourself, you silly fool," he said affectionately. "Tell me what I can do to help - paperwork, promo, cooking, whatever. I don't want anything in return, just to help."

James had only heard some of that through his sobbing but he got the gist and was grateful. As his breaths calmed down, he could finally speak. "I just want to sleep," he laughed, his face wet with tears. 

"Then let's get you home to bed, and I'll sort you guys a meal for tonight, okay? If Romeo comes back, I'll explain."

"I've still got lots of work to do," James said, though they continued back towards the flat.

"Set an alarm and give yourself a nap. When you wake up, you can let me know if there's anything I can help with. Okay?"

They didn't speak again as they walked home. James disappeared to his room and Harry took a moment before checking what ingredients were available for dinner.

An hour later, James emerged, almost a new man. Harry sat down with him and together they were able to formulate a plan for how Harry could help out. It mainly involved cooking or running errands so that James could work undisturbed from home, and over the next few days, Harry noticed James would dress in a suit regardless of whether he had clients to see or not. Harry supposed it helped him to enter the right frame of mind though he also wondered if it had something to do with pride. He thought it was cute, nonetheless, and somewhat admirable. James was so vulnerable but he'd just get on with things and there was no palaver, no chaos around. In fact, the house was mainly very quiet - in the evenings, James would put on some music if he was working and even Romeo wouldn't tease him about his choices as he could see the dedication it took to make this business into something. In the daytime, Romeo was mainly out, though he'd always return for lunch. James was right, Harry thought, Romeo ate huge portions - between the three of them, it was like cooking for a grown family of 5. Harry had asked Simone if he could help at Price Slice in return for her hospitality which she'd been grateful for but insisted on paying him cash. He would spend the money on helping out with groceries at the Lovedays as a thank you, and James's expensive items aside, the bulk of the groceries there too. He felt much better about himself knowing he was putting himself to use. It was a wrench to go back to the Lovedays each night after dinner but Harry was grateful for the time he got to spend with James and the fact he'd let him back into his life. His heart had been crushed that day that James had reneged on his offer to have him move in and though he understood completely, it was utterly painful. He'd been scared to ask Simone if he could stay longer after all but she liked the fact he made Zack happy and Harry sensed she may have wanted her son occupied at the moment. With everything that had happened with Louis, he wasn't surprised.

He'd also gotten to know Romeo a bit. He didn't talk that much; Harry wasn't sure if that was simply because he was focused more on eating or whether it was awkward for him with Harry there though James had said he was the same when it was just him and Romeo. In fact, James had come out explicitly to say mealtimes were easier when Harry was there as it took the pressure off of him to lead the conversation. On the sixth night and their eleventh meal together, Romeo finally offered up an anecdote about his day and Harry caught himself smiling at the fact he was becoming more relaxed with them. James caught it too and looked away quickly when their eyes met, not speaking again for the entire meal. He excused himself as Harry and Romeo cleared up and Harry put on a brave face until they'd finished the washing and drying up and he'd left.

-

James lay on the bed trying to forget what he'd felt when he'd seen Harry smile to himself during Romeo's story. He'd tried at the table to not be moved by the fact Harry genuinely seemed to care about this weird trio of outsiders bonding, and that he seemed dead set on cultivating that. His caution had slipped and he'd let his mind wander to the idea of the three of them being some oddball family, risen from the ashes of their own disappointing ones and the blood relatives who would never care about them as much as they wanted them to. The years he'd wasted trying to get Mac to love him, trying to get his mother to choose him, trying to get his siblings to like him. Maybe now, in the strangest of ways, the solution had found its way to him over lasagne. But no, this was ridiculous, James knew better than to dream. A week ago, he was at his wit's end and things could change back just as quickly. He heard the door shut, Harry leaving, and he got up to get a glass of water. Romeo was still there in the kitchen, engrossed by his phone but he looked up when James came in.

"I thought you were having an early night."

"No, just had some work to do."

"Harry just left," Romeo said, keeping his eyes on his father.

"Did he?" James said casually, as if unaware.

"He's actually alright. I mean, he thinks he's funny and he's not, but..."

James smirked awkwardly as he filled his glass from the fridge. His ears burned as he felt Romeo's gaze but the boy simply put his phone in his pocket and said goodnight, wandering off to his room.

James swallowed a big gulp of water and toyed with the phone in his own pocket. He couldn't give in now, it would only lead to more pain and ruin whatever was going on currently. He wanted to see Harry badly, he wanted to get carried away but instead he texted him to thank him for the past week and that he hoped to see him tomorrow.

Harry did turn up the next day but he seemed in a funny mood, less upbeat, and James left him to it. He was making curry from scratch and soon, the living room was filled with the smell of spices which became somewhat of a distraction. James came into the kitchen passing behind Harry, saying a little joke as he looked into the pot and lightly kissed the back of his neck, surprising them both. Harry spun around, James stood frozen, shocked at himself.

"James?"

James didn't even know what to say. What was he thinking? Had he even been thinking? It had been like a reflex, done almost unwittingly. Now he just stood like a rabbit in the headlights.

"James, did... did you just kiss me?"

"It was an accident." He moved to go but Harry grabbed his wrist so that he'd stay.

"It doesn't have to be."

"Romeo'll be home in a minute."

"I didn't... mean that. I meant, we can stop pretending we don't mean that to each other."

"No one's pretending, we've said how we feel. And we know why it can't happen."

"I don't. Three weeks ago, I did. Last week, I did. Now, I don't."

"Because..." James started to say but Harry moved towards him backing him against the breakfast bar. Their lips met and suddenly they were kissing frantically. Harry could already feel James hard against him, then came the sound of the key in the lock. James gently pushed Harry off of him in time for Romeo not to see them together, and as the boy came through the door, Harry shouted for him to catch before lobbing his wallet at him. "Bay leaves!"

"What?" Romeo asked, confused.

"I'm making a curry but I need bay leaves. Come on, quicker you're back, quicker we can eat." Romeo obeyed and shut the door behind him, Harry smiling at their lucky escape but the smile was soon wiped off his face.

"I told you," James scolded. "I knew this would happen."

"What? Your son walking in when you've got a stiffy? I'm pretty sure it was my quick thinking that saved you so I think the word you're looking for is thank you."

"Thank you?" James said, incredulously. "You put us in that position with your recklessness."

"Oh, like I knew you'd get hard in two seconds. And you kissed me. You might, er, wanna control yourself, James." Harry was fuming now as well, James a mix of fear, anger and embarrassment, his head foggy from the panic and from going from one emotion to the next at breakneck speed. They both stood unable to speak until Harry looked at James's face, his emotions painted across his brow.

"You're right, James. It was reckless, I'm sorry. Of course you don't want Romeo to see you like that." He felt a pang of guilt now. "He didn't see you though. I mean, he just saw you were stood there, that's all. I'll get you a whiskey, it'll calm you down."

"I can't drink," he snapped back. "I've got a ton of work to do."

Harry softened his voice. "I know you do. But you can't work like this, can you? Just a drop," Harry said pouring in enough for two large sips. James downed it in one, looking stressed but no longer stressed at Harry. "It never happened."