#truefeels

Being 21 is something that I thought was going to be a ‘Prime Time’ in my life. I was convinced from about the age of 7, that at 21 my life would be full of friends, laughter, exciting adventures.

I thought I was going to have a job, already be in my own home, whether it been a room in a share house or a rental property, whatever. Be on my way to become a Lawyer, being at university, making new friends, filling my brain with the knowledge of my passion. I thought I’d be performing, playing my guitar and singing at bars, going to open mic nights, making my own music, having the confidence I always had. I thought I would find happy in love, having your partner be your best friend and your motivation, working together, travelling, going on dates, seeing what the world and nature offers, playing games, painting pictures, playing cards, having hobbies.

And most of all, and most importantly I thought I was going to be sober from all the toxic things in my life but for some reason, at 21; I’m miserable, I’m heartbroken, I’m so sick that I can’t work and I’ve lost any drive I’ve ever had, and can get no grips on my addiction. I’m alone and I’m scared but I’m in a house full of people, I sleep in a bed with my boyfriend but I cry myself to sleep at night cold with no arms around me, but I can’t leave him because I love him.

Anxiety has riddled me to the point of killing any social status I’ve had, it’s stopped me from making phone calls to friends and answering them. To going to parties, clubs and even sleepovers or just a lunch with someone I just can’t do it anymore it takes so much out of me and every time beforehand, I AM SCARED. It stops me from seeing my family, it debilitates me. The depression is definitely now the hardest part, the thoughts and the emptiness at the same time, the feeling of uselessness and hurt, re-feeling the scars on your soul over and over again it’s just so dark, theres nothing’s worth getting up for, and it’s just debilitating because it’s not just the feelings and the thoughts. It’s the crying, it’s the not eating, the migraine, body aching from not being able to eat, nausea from not being able to eat, fatigue, horrible quality sleep. It’s just I’m just rotting away from this, I can’t deal with anything stressful anymore without breaking down and being riddled with a migraine and fatigue for the next couple of days.

I really don’t know why I am starting this blog, but I’m at the point of going insane and I just need something to keep me going for me to get everything out for me to see the things I wanna see and write the things I wanna write. To express myself and find myself at the same time because I am a shell of the person I used to be and I desperately wanna live a happy life..